Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6)

by Andie M. Long

“She’s got a date with one. Tonight.” Kim winked.

  “I don’t understand,” said Jax.

  “Theodore Landry. Total sex god but he thinks he’s a vamp. The computer picked our Shelley as his ideal match. So she’s off out on a hot date.

  “Burning. Fire,” drawled Ebony who was staring into space.

  “I really need to get Frankie over here to take a look at her off the record,” said Kim. nodding in Ebony’s direction.

  “Do you know, that’s a good idea. Get him to drop by tomorrow morning if he can. I’m getting worried about her.”

  Ebony’s eyes rolled, and the whites flashed. “You’re one is here, but the path to true love is paved with danger.”

  “She really ought to sit with a crystal ball in the cafe, instead of behind that boutique counter.” Jax shook her arm. “Ebony. EBONY, you drunk ass biatch. Get this coffee down you.”

  Ebony came to and swigged down the coffee, quickly following it with another one. “Thank you." Her shoulders loosened, then she pointed at Kim “You have a date with a police officer.”

  Kim pouted. “I do not. It wasn’t me who had sex in the graveyard. There was no proof.”

  “Other than you left your panties there, which had your name sewn in them.” I laughed.

  “I can’t help it if I like to go down the gym knowing which clothing is definitely mine. Someone must have nicked my clothes off the washing line.”

  Jax looked out of the window making me realise that there was some kind of disturbance outside. It sounded like arguing. “What’s going on out there?” Jax said.

  “I’ll find out,” said Kim. “Hold up.” She pushed the door open and went outside.

  "Should we let her go out on her own?" I bit my lip wondering whether I should see if Kim was okay when the lady herself stuck her body back halfway through the cafe door.

  “Wow. Ebony, you better open your shop" She looked at me. "It looks like me and you better go help. That makeup set we showed Theo? There are about forty people outside wanting one. I told them you’d not hold that many in stock and they’re willing to order, and I told them it was sixty quid, not thirty. Your day’s looking up, Ebony.”

  Ebony brightened. “I knew that would be a winner.”

  “Saw it in the tea leaves did you?” I joked.

  “No, last month’s InStyle.” She gave me a weird look.

  “Well, we’d better go assist,” I told Jax. “Thank you for the hospitality and for bringing us together as a business community.”

  “It’s my pleasure,” she said. “Now, enjoy your date tonight and just in case, wear a big scarf around your neck so he can’t bite you.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  “Where’s he taking you, anyway?” she asked.

  “No idea, but he seems a gentleman so I’m sure it’ll be somewhere nice.”

  I should have kept my mouth shut.

  Chapter Seven

  Shelley

  “A walk around a cemetery. Very original idea for a date,” I told Theo as he guided me around.

  “I read in a dating guide that you should take your girlfriend to meet your family. It shows your intentions are serious.”

  “That means living family, Theo. Ones you can be introduced to, you know? Get to know. They show you embarrassing pictures of you as a kid in your underwear.”

  “There are no such pictures of me. I could have some taken if that is acceptable?”

  Fucking hell, yeah.

  “So, Theo. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself? That’s kind of a date thing, getting to know each other.”

  “But is it?” He pulled a face. “In these times of social media I can consult Facebook and know what your life has been like for the last six years, and without being too insulting, might I say, your life has been extremely dull. Just constant selfies where you puff your lips out. I don’t understand women at all, especially modern ones.”

  “Why do you want a wife anyway?”

  “I want a family. My time is coming around again. I think 126 years is old enough to not have experienced fatherhood.”

  I took a step back, taking care not to fall in a newly dug grave. “You want a family? Not being funny but are you sure you’re mentally stable enough for that?”

  “My kind can procreate every one hundred and one years. I was turned at twenty-six, so my time will be in the New Year. Then it will be over for another one hundred and one years.”

  I rubbed at my forehead. I didn’t even know where to start with this guy.

  “Theo. Have you seen a doctor?”

  “Yes, I’m in perfect health. My fake documents say I’m thirty and of course I can use the power of suggestion on my General Practitioner if he gets suspicious.”

  “The power of suggestion?”

  “I guess you’d call it a kind of hypnotism. Basically, if humans get suspicious of my true nature, I can look into their eyes and make alternative suggestions.”

  “Really?” I scoffed.

  “Yes, really. Shall I do it on you?”

  “Okay. Make me believe that tree is a Celine handbag.”

  Theo stood still, got hold of my face and looked down into my eyes. He started chanting and then turned to the tree.

  “Tell me what you see.”

  “The most beautiful handbag.”

  “See?”

  “No, I don’t. I’m lying. I see a fucking tree. Theo, I don’t know why I like you but I do; however, you’re full of shit.”

  “That’s totally incorrect. Vampires are not made of fecal matter, and I need to try again because you should definitely think that tree is a bag.”

  He held my face again and looked deeply into my eyes. I had to admit that it gave me goose bumps. He was so gorgeous. Once again, he chanted.

  “Okay, look at the tree.”

  My face twitched. “It’s still a tree, Theo.”

  “Well, that explains it then.” He clapped his hands and did a little skip which looked ridiculous on a six-foot-two man. “The only person a vampire is unable to coerce, according to our archives, is their one true love. You, my dearest Shelley, must be my one true love.”

  He got down on bended knee.

  “Please would you do the honour of becoming my wife?”

  “Easy, tiger,” I told him, though I had to admit my goose bumps had goose bumps and I was feeling a little giddy. “Still on the first date here, getting to know each other, remember?”

  “Ah, yes, my apologies. We have to do this the human way. How long does that normally take by the way, approximately?”

  “Well, people can take as long as they like. I think the average is probably like two years.”

  “Two years? I can’t wait that long. I’ll miss my fertile window. My body clock is ticking.”

  “Well, it certainly needs to be longer than one date.” I smiled. “Come on, I’m getting cold out here. Let’s go for a burger. I’ll meet your family another time.”

  We went to a local burger bar and I told him this was my treat. He gave me some cock and bull story about how he could enjoy food but it had no nutritional value—again. As I sat across from him I had to admit that something about him amused me. He wasn’t boring that was for sure.

  “So, tell me about your family, Shelley.”

  “There’s not a lot to tell you about my real family. I was placed up for adoption when I was a baby. I was finally adopted when I was two years old. I don’t remember anything about my parents. My adoptive parents got pregnant with a natural baby a month or so after they adopted me and they made my life a misery.”

  “Because you weren’t their natural born?”

  “They said I was cruel to my younger sister. I was no doubt jealous. I was almost three years old by the time they had Polly. Adoption takes time. All of a sudden there was another child there. I wasn’t good enough anymore. They pushed me aside.”

  “I should like to visit them and kick their arse.”

  I burst out laug
hing. “You sound so weird saying that. You look so gentlemanly. Do you always wear a suit and shirt? I especially like your tie.”

  He looked down at his purple and black striped tie. My mind imagined it bound around my wrists. OMG, stop it!

  “I enjoy being smart. But I can wear other clothing if that should please you. I have some jeans the shop assistant said hugged my arse and made it look like a peach. Is it a recent thing that shop assistants feel your derriere in clothes? This one did. He said it was how he ensured the jeans were a good fit.”

  “Oh my God, no. He made a pass at you.” I started laughing. “Oh, Theo. What are we going to do with you? Were you kept in solitary confinement from birth? You know so much about some things and are so innocent with others.”

  “I grew up on the farm.”

  “Ah, yes. The farm. So, what’s this about you trying to get it back?”

  “My sire would have inherited the farm once my family was killed. But then he was killed by the farmhand so it went to his sire. I never met him but apparently, he sold it on Rightmove. I want it back, but the head of the household won’t give it to me. He says if I want it I’ll have to pay for it. He keeps ringing the police and having me removed from the property.”

  “What does he mean, pay for it? Is he blackmailing you?”

  “No, it’s back on Rightmove. He says he’s had enough of me. It’s been up for sale for a couple of years now. Every time someone goes to visit I do my suggestion thing on them on the way out so they think it’s a wreck and the owner a pervert. I’ve hacked into the estate agency website so I know when the visits are.”

  “So why not just buy it?”

  “It’s a matter of principle. It was stolen from me. I shouldn’t have to buy it.”

  “But the man who owns it wasn’t your, erm, sire’s sire.”

  “No, but he gave money to the sire. Money that should have been mine. I didn’t ask to be bitten by a vampire and turned.”

  Theo went into a sulk and turned his head to look out of the window.

  “Okay, then,” I said. “Erm, fancy another coke?”

  “I think I’d like to go home now.”

  I sat back in my chair surprised. “Theo, have I said something wrong?”

  “It’s talking about the farm. I get emotional about it.”

  “Look.” I placed my hand on his. “I’m sure there’s a way of getting it back. I’ll help you, okay? We’ll have to find this sire’s sire.”

  “You’d do that? You’d help me get my farm back?”

  “Weellll, I’ll help you look into it further. See if there’s a way of you owning it again. Do you have savings? Just in case we have to do a deal.”

  “I will not pay a penny for that property. Although yes, I have several million at my disposal.”

  Coke shot out of my nostrils.

  “Pardon?”

  Theo sighed. “Shelley, I’ve been around a long time. I’ve been a film star, a model. I’ve made a lot of money in that time. It’s invested though, so don’t think you can visit my place and find thirty grand under the sofa.”

  “I think we will call it a night. You’ve gone really moody. I’ve just got rid of my own PMT without encountering a male version.”

  “Males don’t get PMT. We have no womb.”

  “It’s called Petty Male Tantrum, and you own it tonight, pal.” I felt my body tensing up.

  “I do not.” He looked out of the window again. Oh my God, what a prick.

  “Yes, you do.”

  As my frustration mounted, Theo’s glass slid across the table, gaining momentum before it upended straight down his shirt and the front of his trousers.

  “Jesus, that’s cold.”

  He grabbed a handful of napkins from the table and began dabbing at himself. “Well, would you look here. I said no food to be thrown at me, so you got me on a technicality, throwing a drink at me instead.”

  “I didn’t do it.” I protested, looking at the table legs to see if there was a wonky one.

  “I suppose it just shot across the table and tipped over me,” Theo said with dramatic hand gestures.

  “Yes. Yes, it did. It was weird.”

  This date was going to hell in a handbasket. If I didn’t rescue the situation I was going to put poor Theo off females for life.

  “Stand up,” I told him. I grabbed a few more napkins from the condiment table and started to dry his shirt, feeling his rock hard abs beneath the napkin.

  Oh my.

  “Erm. I think I’m dry now,” he said just as a man in a suit approached us. The badge on his lapel identified him as the manager.

  “I’m going to have to ask you to leave before I call the police. This is a family-friendly establishment, although thankfully there are currently no children present.” The man’s face was puce and his chin taut.

  “What bug crawled up your arse? I’m only drying this man’s-”

  And then I realised, and I almost died. Without fully concentrating I’d moved downwards. My hand rubbing napkins over Theo’s wet lap, and over his now rather erect cock.

  “Oh my God.” I reared back, at which point the help yourself drinks machines spurted juice everywhere. Fountains of black, orange and clear liquids rained over the restaurant floor.

  “Oh my God. What is happening? What have you done, William?” The manager scurried off, shouting at the poor lad at the front who was innocently wrapping up a value meal.

  “Something strange is going on,” said Theo. “Only I find myself unable to concentrate as you are still rubbing my penis.”

  What the fuck was wrong with me? I’d started again. But it felt glorious beneath the napkins and it had been so long since I’d felt a man. I wanted him.

  I took Theo’s hand and dragged him outside of the restaurant.

  “Can you try that suggestion thing on me again?”

  “Yes, I’ll suggest you never throw food or drink at me again.” He leaned over me. The minute he was near enough I reached up and pressed my mouth to his. My warm lips met his cool ones. He really was going to have to see a doctor about his extremities. Maybe he had poor circulation?

  Theo wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him, against those hard abs I’d felt through the paper napkins. Now I was feeling them through my chest. There were too many clothes involved here.

  And then a felt a little nip at my lip and a small wetness that Theo licked away. As he licked a heat seared up my groin. Whoa. Calm down there. Pussy gone wild. I placed my finger to my lip and looked at it. A small tinge of blood smeared my fingertip. “You bit me,” I said, staring up at him and seeing his descended fangs.

  “How do you make those come down?” I said, reaching up and touching them. Then I pulled at them, and realised that they weren’t fake at all.

  “You really are, you really are…” My breath came faster than I could process it and I went increasingly dizzy.

  “Told you it always takes a third time,” he said as he swept me up and away. That was the last I knew as everything went black.

  Chapter Eight

  Shelley

  When I came around I was in my house laid on the sofa, with Theo sat at the other end looking at me with concern.

  “Oh, thank goodness. Any longer and I would have called for a doctor,” he said, stroking my forehead.

  “How long was I out?”

  He lifted his arm to look at his watch. “Oh, around a minute and a half.”

  I stuck my head forward. “Theo, my house is thirteen minutes away from the burger place—by car.”

  “We didn’t travel by car,” Theo answered. “Now, how are you feeling?”

  I scrunched up my forehead. Why was I back here, anyway? What had happened? Oh yeah, I’d been kissing Theo and… and… he’d grown fucking fangs.

  I scooted to the edge of the sofa, tucking my arms around my knees.

  “You’re a vampire!”

  “Yes. I think I told you that in my application, and a
gain at dinner–where I thought you’d begun to believe me-then again at the second interview and once more earlier, where you felt my fangs and fainted.”

  “But it’s not possible.”

  “Why isn’t it?”

  “Because you’re made up. You don’t exist.”

  “It’s very conceited to believe that you, as a human female, can exist, but I, as a vampire male, must be some kind of an illusion. I’ve just as much right to be around here as you have. Anyway, you weren’t complaining when I was kissing you.”

  “When you bit me slightly.”

  “I got excited. I don’t have to do that but it is quite enjoyable, for both of us.”

  I remembered the feeling I’d had-fire down below.

  “And what about sex? Do you do anything different from a human male?”

  “No, other than to say I lost my virginity at sixteen years old, which means I have one hundred and ten years of sexual experience. I’ve picked up a trick or two in that time.” He winked.

  My stomach fluttered.

  My heart beat faster.

  My vajayjay went cooommmeeee oonnnnn.

  And I launched myself at him.

  He pushed me away and held me at arm’s length with what I felt to be considerable strength from arm-porn arms that made Captain America’s look like shoelaces. “Are you sure you’re feeling up to this?”

  “Hell yeah,” I announced, and that was it. He brought me back to him and crushed his lips to mine.

  His mouth trailed down my neck, eliciting goose bumps as his cool touch felt like the tickle of a feather upon my skin. Theo stripped off his jacket, and I undid his tie, throwing it aside and then unbuttoning his shirt. There were so many buttons, by the time I got to about four away from the bottom, Theo helped me by ripping it straight off, buttons pinging everywhere.

  I raised my arms as he lifted my top over my head, leaving me in a white lacy bra.

  The sound of my heavy breathing filled the room. I realised Theo’s didn’t. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and pulled him closer, kissing him again and then I rested my head in the crook of his neck, waiting for the tell-tale rise and fall of his chest. It didn’t come.