When My Soul Met A Thug

by Jessica N Watkins

I looked around, relieved that my mama was gone out of my bedroom. But I still wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. “I’m good. I’m about to go meet Banks for some drinks.”

  “Oh okay…” She paused and then slightly pouted. “Sorry about Mama. You know she just wants the best for you.”

  “I know.” I rushed, anxious to get the hell out of the house.

  “I do too. And I know Banks is who you want. Marrying him, you would be at your best, so I got your back.”

  I rushed a smile and mumbled on a shallow breath, “Thanks, sissy.”

  She reached out and hugged me quickly. “A’ight, let me get your mama outta here.”

  “That’s yo’ mama,” I slurred as I went for my bed where my shoes were.

  “Y’all way more alike than you know.” She laughed. “See you later. Call me.”

  “Bye,” I shot back in a hurry. My heart eased with relief as she disappeared. “Thank God,” I mumbled as I hurriedly slid into my shoes as I heard the alarm system alert that the front door had opened.

  I started to race around the house, grabbing my phone, keys, and purse. I then raced towards the door, hoping that Banks hadn’t done this, that he hadn’t played me yet again, that he would fulfill his promise to do right this time.

  I bolted out of the door, hating the familiar feeling of heartbreak that was seeping into my soul. Every time that he had cheated ran through my mind as I jumped into my car and sped off towards Shandra’s house. I knew where she stayed because I had followed Banks there so many times last year when I’d found out about her. I had spared none of my dignity, banging on the door, making him come out, asking him to come home, every one of the four times that I had caught him there.

  My mother and sister wondered why I stayed through all the hurt. Hell, sometimes I wondered too. We had no kids binding us together. But every time I thought about walking away, I felt like I would be giving another woman the chance to reap the benefits of enjoying the man I had made. I had molded Banks into the successful street hustla that he was. I had experienced the blood, sweat, and tears. So, no way should another woman reap the benefits of him. That was my reward.

  Plus, I wondered if it were even possible to find another man at this point. I had gained so much weight. I wasn’t sure of myself anymore. I didn’t have enough self-esteem to get out there and meet anyone new.

  As I approached the block that Shandra lived on, I hoped that I didn’t have to do this yet again. I turned the lights off on my Lexus and eased down the street towards the house that I’d found out that Banks had been paying the rent at for the time that he was with her. My heart pounded out of my chest as I squinted as if that would help me see better in the night sky.

  “Thank God,” I said and exhaled when I didn’t see his black, Hummer in her driveway. But Banks wasn’t stupid. He knew I would do this. He could have easily gotten dropped off. So, I parked and hopped out. I didn’t want her telling social media that I had showed up at her house, so I crept around the back. I peered through the windows, listening, trying to see any and everything. But the house was dark and quiet.

  It was only ten at night. Banks wouldn’t sleep this late, so it appeared that he wasn’t inside. But I wasn’t relieved. They could’ve been anywhere. He’d had her on the block, around his friends in our circle.

  I sped off and headed towards the block. He wasn’t there either. His Hummer was nowhere. But I still wasn’t convinced. I drove everywhere I thought he would be, every club and every hotel that I had caught him with another woman at before.

  And he was nowhere.

  I didn’t even bother calling his phone because he’d talked to me while right next to another woman before.

  “Please prove them wrong, baby,” I cried into my hands as I sat at a red light. My knee jumped nervously. My stomach was balled up in a nauseating knot.

  In a last-ditch effort, I drove by his usual Wednesday-night spot, The Dating Game. Banks had his hand in club promotion as well, and every Wednesday he had a comedy show there. I usually made it my business not to show up in environments like this one with Banks because I was too scared of what I would run up on.

  Against my better judgment, I pulled into the lot and hopped out. I was too sporadic to wipe my tears, fix my hair, or adjust my clothes. I ran right past security.

  “Aye!!” I heard security behind me as I raced through the glass doors. I sped past the female security guard who would have checked my ID and my purse.

  Once inside of the club, I could feel someone pulling on my arm and all eyes on me. That’s when I realized how crazy I must have looked. I hurriedly wiped my face as I turned to see who was tugging on me.

  It was the female security guard holding a stern expression. “We need to see your ID.”

  “Aye, she good. This my woman. You know that.”

  Hearing that, the security guard realized who I was and immediately appeared to be apologetic.

  I swung around. My eyes met his beautiful, sandy brown orbs that were encased in narrow, bedroom eyes that had the nerve to twinkle. Even in my anxiety, I appreciated the colorful tattoos that covered his arms and bounced beautifully off his butter-coated skin. Banks was hardcore, but his appearance was that of a pretty boy. His 6’1” frame was athletically cocky. He was draped in diamonds and tats. His full, pink, lips were surrounded by a full, beard, which was as luscious and curly as his bushy eyebrows and tapered fade.

  Banks eyed me curiously as he took in my appearance. I started to fix my long, Peruvian, deep-wave, layered weave with my fingers. I then pulled down the T-shirt dress that was riding up a bit from all the chaos.

  The security guard walked away as Banks approached me. I looked around for Shandra and thanked God that I didn’t see her in the small, intimate crowd of the comedy set.

  Thankfully, Banks hugged and kissed me as he always did. He held me for so long that I realized he could not be with another woman. Shandra had just posted those statuses to mess with me.

  Finally, relief filled me as the smell of his Tom Ford cologne drowned me.

  “What you doin’ here, bae? You felt like coming out tonight?” When he let me go and smiled into my eyes, I was reminded why I had forgiven him so much and why I was willing to hold on.

  Banks was going to prove them wrong.

  God, I hoped so.

  True

  “Angel?” My mother and I were leaving dinner at Tilly’s when we heard someone call her name. She and I slightly jumped at the sound of her name being called by an unfamiliar, deep, male voice. We turned our attention towards the voice to see a handsome, older gentleman smiling down on her.

  My mother’s skin seemed to sheet white right before my eyes as she stuttered. “Russ…Russell.”

  My eyes darted towards my mother’s sudden girlish nervousness.

  “My God…” This man, Russell, took a step back to look my mother up and down ever so slowly.

  I had never seen my mother blush so red. I suddenly felt like the third wheel.

  “I haven’t seen you in ages.” He looked over at me. “I know this isn’t True.”

  Smiling from ear to ear, she told him, “As a matter of fact, it is, and that is my grandbaby, Joy.”

  I gave him a half smile that was full of curiosity as to who the hell homeboy was. He nodded hello and then smiled down on Joy. Then his attention was back on what seemed to be a sight for sour eyes to him. “You don’t look like a grandmother.”

  My mother failed at hiding her smile as she nervously ran her hand over the back over her tapered cut.

  The tension between the three of us was thick. I was done trying to hide my interest in my mother’s jumpiness over this stranger’s existence. My mother avoided my eyes as her hand nervously ran over her hair again.

  She swallowed hard and snatched Joy’s hand into hers. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Russell.” She turned away from his need to say more and gave me a stern look. I knew its interpretation without her saying a word.
“C’mon, Joy. Let’s go.”

  She walked off before Russell could get another word out. He looked to want to say so much to her, but he was so shocked by her response that he was offended and just walked away. I felt bad for the disappointment in his eyes. I then hurried behind my mother to catch up with her.

  “Mama,” I called as I caught up with her near the exit. “Who was that?”

  “Nobody,” she said shortly as she nearly dragged Joy through the door.

  On her heels, I teased her, “That didn’t look like a nobody. Seems like he knew you.”

  “Mind your business,” she scolded me.

  Finally catching up to her, I could see that her face was still wearing that perplexed look. “Unt uh. He was looking at you like you was a snack. Who was that man?”

  Her eyes rolled slightly as she marched towards her BMW truck. “He wasn’t looking at me like I was no damn snack, girl. Hush.”

  I was cracking up at how frazzled the sight of that man had made her. “Yes, he was.”

  “He was just somebody from the old hood. Somebody that knew your dad.”

  “My dad?” I asked shockingly.

  She shook her head slightly. “No.” She finally gave me her eyes, and they were reluctant. “Sorry, not your biological father. I’m talking about your stepfather.”

  “Okay, so why did you run away so fast?” I pushed.

  She sucked her teeth as she waved my nosiness away. “Mind the business that pays you.”

  Teasing her more, I smiled hard. “Mmmm hmmm. Well, it seems like he had more to say to you. Gon’ head and get those cobwebs knocked out, Mama.” She was trying her best to avoid my eyes, but she couldn’t help it. Her eyes met my smiling eyes and an uncontrollable smile spread across her face.

  We both broke out into uncontrollable giggles. It wasn’t even that funny, but we took every opportunity to laugh those days. After dealing with my stepfather’s death, it broke my heart that my mother was being put through yet another test of her strength and faith. We both felt a lot of sadness when we were near each other. But, thankfully, tonight there was some joy.

  3

  Coop

  ♫Now behold the Lamb

  The Precious Lamb of God

  Born into sin that I may live again

  The Precious Lamb of God

  Now behold the Lamb

  The Precious Lamb of God

  Born into sin that I may live again

  The Precious Lamb of God ♫

  The choir serenaded the congregation as they filed out of the church behind Mac’s casket. I was standing along a wall in the vestibule around the homies and my crew. Looking outside of the open doors of the church, I could see Mac’s baby mama hysterically crying and clawing at Mac’s casket as they put it in the back of the hearse.

  I felt a soft touch on my back that made me tear my eyes away from Mac’s baby mama. Issa was standing behind me looking like an angel in the midst of such dreariness. Her cream, quarter-sleeve dress hugged her massive curves. The cotton looked like butter. Her caramel skin was dripping with shea butter. Her juicy lips were glossed with red paint. Long, curls fell thirty inches down her back.

  “Hey, you,” she said lowly.

  All eyes were on us, further proof that the hood-vine had definitely been talking about me and Issa.

  “You think you should be speaking to me here?” I whispered.

  I could see her forcing back a pout. “You haven’t been answering my calls.”

  I gritted. I didn’t like how she called herself checking on me. “I’ve been taking care of business.”

  Still pouting, she said, “Prince told me what happened the other night. I’m sorry.”

  I chuckled. “Don’t be.”

  Her voice was pleading as she said, “Coop…”

  Just then, I saw Mac’s mother moping towards me. Her face was so tear-soaked that her makeup was causing brown stains on the all-white that she and the rest of Mac’s family was wearing.

  “I’ll call you later,” I rushed and told Issa just as Mac’s mother reached me. I turned my back on Issa just as Mac’s mother was reaching out to embrace me.

  “Coop,” she cried as I embraced her.

  Kissing her cheek, I replied, “Hey, Ms. McCoy.”

  She started to sob on my three-thousand-dollar suit jacket. “Thank you.”

  I pulled back, looking into her sorrowful eyes. “What are you thanking me for?”

  “For looking out for my son. You helped him feed his sisters and brothers. You took care of him even in death. You paid for his funeral. That was so sweet. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

  As I smiled down on her, I felt eyes on me. I looked up and saw Zell a foot away talking to one of the homies while staring at my exchange with Ms. McCoy.

  “You don’t have to thank me for that. It was the least I could do.”

  She smiled up at me, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed the same cheek that I had wiped her son’s blood from a few days ago as he lay dying in an alley. “You’re so sweet. Please keep in touch.”

  “You know I will. I got you and his siblings. Don’t worry.”

  “Thank you,” she said again, tearfully.

  She squeezed my hands before walking away just as Zell walked up.

  “Damn, man, this all fucked up,” Zell grumbled.

  I grimaced inwardly. It was one thing to listen to Mac’s mother mourn, but to hear my own homies crying like punks when they knew this motherfucker was dirty was blowing me. Nobody knew who had killed Mac, but they knew that he was stealing from me. They didn’t have proof that I had killed him, and no one would ever have the balls to say that shit out loud, but they knew. So, Zell was being a goofy right now.

  “He was young. He didn’t have to go out like that,” Zell went on.

  I cracked my neck and focused on Mac’s baby mama now passing out in front of the hearse as Zell kept running his mouth. “It’s messed up that somebody killed him like that.”

  My eyes darted towards Zell, who surprisingly had the courage to look me in my eyes. I laughed at his attempt to puff his chest out.

  With tears pooling in his eyes, he gritted, “That was my boy. We grew up together. We were like brothers.”

  Lucky for Zell, I knew his loyalty, so I took into account that he was in his feelings right now. I lightly gripped his shoulder before walking away from him. “Niggas die every day. That’s the name of the game.”

  True

  While leaving the doctor’s office, my phone started to ring. I looked down at it with weary eyes and cringed when I saw that it was Jameel calling. I wasn’t for his attitude today, but I wanted somebody to take my frustrations out on.

  “What?” I shot after I answered.

  “Hello?” he asked as if he had the wrong number.

  “What, Jameel?” I snapped so loudly that a random old lady looked at me strangely as I walked by her on my way to the parking lot.

  “I want custody of my daughter, True.”

  I laughed. I literally threw my head back and started cracking up. I was grateful that he was giving me something to smile about that day. “Oh, now you wanna be a father? You haven’t seen her in the last three months!”

  “I figure I need to be a part of her life, so she don’t turn out like you, now that I know her mama is out here hoeing.”

  My eyes bucked as I entered the parking garage. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” he slurred.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Weren’t you in Norman’s the other day damn near fucking some yellow nigga on the dance floor?”

  I laughed. Jameel was delusional. “What business is that of yours, Jameel? We are divorced. You left me, remember?”

  This son of a bitch had left me without ever looking back. The bastard didn’t even call me to check on his daughter. He only called to nag about the money he was struggling to pay me every month.

  “Good thing I did leave your,
hoe ass,” he mumbled as I arrived at my truck.

  “Oh, now I’m a hoe?” I laughed. “Or is the issue that you thought when you left nobody would want me?”

  “Don’t you have more important things to be worried about than the next dick you’re jumping on?”

  I laughed again. This was the Jameel that I knew, throwing my reality in my face, trying to demean me, so that I could be some sad woman groveling at his feet.

  “Don’t you have more important things to be worried about than the woman you left?”

  “You got a whole lot of mouth all of a sudden. These niggas got your whack ass feeling froggish.”

  “Whack?” I repeated. I hated that tears were coming to my eyes. Jameel did not deserve my tears. He did not deserve to continue to hurt me. I couldn’t keep giving him that. But even though he had walked out on me a year ago, I was still so shocked that he had turned so cold, so suddenly. He resented me as if I had wasted the last four years of his life. And I couldn’t understand how someone who had once loved me so much could now treat me as if I was the worst mistake of his life.

  “I want full custody of Joy,” Jameel hissed into the phone.

  Again, I laughed. “You just don’t want to have to pay child support anymore.”

  “You’re motherfuckin’ right! Why the fuck am I paying child and spousal support when you aren’t even going to be—”

  “Fuck you, Jameel!” I hung up, too exhausted to continue this fight. I had enough I was fighting for.

  I struggled through the door with a sleeping Joy drooling on my shoulder.

  “Hey, True.” My mother appeared out of the kitchen no sooner than she heard me coming through the front door. “How did things go at—”

  I shot my hand in the air to stop her next words and kept walking past her. “Not right now, Mama.” The last thing I needed was to have a long-drawn-out conversation with my mother about some shit we both already knew. I just wanted to lay down and forget this day. I was suddenly regretting allowing my mother to spend so much time here to help once Jameel left.