Get Anyone to Do Anything

by David J. Lieberman

In all of these responses, you’re taking the pressure off. You acknowledge the person’s difficulty in answering. You then seem to be asking her to provide something else, when in reality your new question is aimed at getting your initial question answered and opening up the discussion toward a meaningful dialogue.

  An “I don’t know” could also mean that the person feels guilty or foolish about her actions. In this case you want to relieve her of the responsibility. This psychological technique is great because it allows her to answer truthfully without fear that you will judge her. After all, she may believe that she didn’t do it on purpose. This works well because she doesn’t have to feel responsible for her actions. It was not her “intention” to do what she did. Her behavior was not consciously motivated. Your phrasing might sound something like, “I know you’re not sure about why you did that, so can you think of any unconscious motivations that may have been at work?”

  Strategy Review

  • When you get a vague answer, ask a more specific question that is related to his answer. If you ask a general follow-up question you will only get another general response.

  • If the person is unsure of how to answer, ask her instead to tell you how she feels about an aspect of the situation, instead of the entire situation itself.

  • Ask her if there might have been any unconscious motivations at work. This alleviates the element of guilt as it does not imply that there was intent.

  33

  Deal with Any Complaint Fast and Easy

  Get Anyone to Stop Whining!

  Whether it’s personal or professional, follow this list of tactics and you can be sure to assuage anyone’s complaints about anything.

  First listen. Surprisingly most people don’t know how to do this. To listen you simply say nothing and do nothing other than listen. That means you don’t agree, disagree, or argue. In the next step you’re going to agree, but if you do it right away, you risk his thinking you’re just placating or patronizing him. So let him say everything he wants to say without any interruption and then agree.

  Sometimes people just need to get something off their chest. So let them speak. Other times they’re looking for a fight. If you don’t interrupt, then they will eventually run out of things to say. If you interrupt you are going to give him more ammunition and risk a heated argument instead of a monologue.

  Nobody wants to feel he’s been manipulated or taken advantage of. And that is 99.9 percent of the reason why he is so angry. His ego has been damaged. Somebody or something didn’t respect him enough and he is hurting. When he is done speaking do the following.

  First paraphrase back to him what he’s said, so he knows that you’ve been listening. Then build him up with phrases such as, “No one as important as you should have to go through this”; “I know you’re not accustomed to being treated this way”; or “If I were you I would be just as upset.” This completely takes the steam out of his tirade. The last thing you want is to be combative and with this first step you disarm him completely. You’ve made him feel important by listening, agreeing, and stroking his ego. Using this three-step process of listening, agreeing, and stroking will often diffuse the situation. But if it doesn’t continue with the following.

  Now, ask him what he would like you to do. What he offers as a resolution or solution is often much less than you would have given to compensate him for his troubles. In business situations we often make the mistake of wanting to give the world to avoid a bigger problem. But hold off on your initial temptation and ask him what he would like you to do.

  In personal situations, complaints may come the way of vague statements, such as, “I’m not happy,” or “You’re driving me crazy.” While there may be more serious relationship issues at hand, there is a specific way to help the situation. What you want to do is have him get as specific as possible about what is bothering him. (See Chapter 32, Get Anyone to Open Up to You, on how to turn a vague answer into a specific response.)

  While you’re doing the above, try to establish rapport to get him to like you and to calm him down. The way you present yourself can greatly influence the attitude of the other person. If, while he’s venting, your arms are crossed and your posture says, “When are you gonna shut up?” you’re heading for a confrontation. That’s why simple things such as unbuttoning your coat or uncrossing your arms can make the other person feel less defensive. When you have a rapport with someone, he is much more likely to feel comfortable and open up. Rapport creates trust, allowing you to build a psychological bridge to the person. The conversation is likely to be more positive and you will be much more persuasive. To review, here are a few powerful tips for establishing and building rapport:

  Matching posture and movements: If he has one hand in his pocket, you put your hand in yours. If he makes a gesture with his hand, after a moment, you casually make the same gesture.

  • Matching speech: Try to match his rate of speech. If he’s speaking in a slow, relaxed tone, you do the same. If he’s speaking quickly, then you speak quickly.

  • Matching key words: If she is prone to using certain words or phrases, employ them when you speak. For instance, if she says, “I was so uncomfortable with how I was treated,” later in the conversation you might say something like, “I know you must have been so uncomfortable with that type of treatment.” Make sure that you don’t seem to be mimicking her. Obviously copying another’s movements is unproductive. A simple reflection of aspects of the person’s behavior or speech is enough. This can be a very powerful skill for you, once you become good at it.

  In personal instances, where the complaint is directed at you specifically, say the following phrase and watch someone’s anger dissipate before your eyes: “I couldn’t be more sorry. I feel so ashamed.” Again, his ego has been damaged and he’s seeking to tear you down as well as restore a sense of pride and balance. By acknowledging your own fault you cause him to rebound. Clearly he’s gotten through to you because that’s exactly what he’s been thinking—that you’re an idiot. He has nothing left to say. If, at this point, you’re still getting flack, go to Chapter 25, Get Anyone to Forgive You for Anything.

  Strategy Review

  • Say nothing. Just listen. Paraphrase what he’s just said. Use “buildup” phrases to reinforce his ego and sense of importance. Ask him what he would like you to do.

  • While doing the above, establish rapport to help him feel more at ease and comfortable with you.

  34

  Stop Jealous Behavior in an Instant

  It is commonly, though wrongly, believed that in relationships the person most likely to be jealous is someone who has low self-esteem. After all, if someone is confident and feels good about himself, then there is little reason to worry that he will lose his partner to someone else. But it turns out that the relationship between jealousy and a person’s self-esteem has been found to be fairly insignificant. Rather, a person is most likely to feel jealous in areas that are especially relevant to his self-worth.

  In other words, building up your partner’s general self-esteem is not usually the answer. He’s threatened only in areas that he considers the basis for his identity. For example, a doctor may become jealous upon hearing about another doctor who is more proficient than he at a specialized operation. However, he will likely be unmoved upon hearing that Jim, his neighbor, is a better tennis player then he. Why? Because he simply doesn’t care. Who he is, how he identifies himself, and how he rates his worth as a human being is by his skill as a surgeon, not as a tennis player.

  Let’s say that you’re a woman who has a wealthy male friend. Your boyfriend is good-looking, smart, caring, and hardworking. But he’s insecure about the fact that he doesn’t have much money, because to him money is something that is important. Therefore, as far as he’s concerned, your friend is more valuable and “better” than he. Your typical strategy might be to build up your boyfriend, and tell him how great he is and how much you care for him; but you will find that i
neffective. Telling him that you love him and that he’s better-looking and smarter than your friend will do very little to assuage those jealous feelings. That is not where he’s coming from. Instead you should explain to him why the “quality” in your friend—in this case money—is unimportant to you and his jealousy will simply disappear.

  You take the wind out of his jealousy instantly by downplaying what the other person has that he doesn’t. Your boyfriend values money and hence places a greater value on this guy, so he assumes that you perceive him in the same way. His jealousy is really envy of what your friend has that he doesn’t.

  So it’s your friend’s qualities—or in this case money—that you need to address, not your boyfriend’s qualities. Simply give a rational explanation for why it’s not important to you and he’ll be fine. For instance, you can say something like, “A true measure of a man is not how much money he has, but who his friends are. While I like my friend, I think that people who flaunt their money do so to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. I like my friend but I feel bad for him.” After hearing this, your boyfriend is not going to mind your being friends with him because he no longer feels threatened by the issue of money. If anything, now it’s the fact that he has money that’s comforting, because he believes this is the very reason why you find your friend so unappealing.

  When you employ this tactic, it is best to do it casually. In this way he is not likely to believe that you are just saying it to make him feel better. A casual approach ensures that you believe it and that you want him to know how you feel, and you’re not just saying this to change how he feels.

  To be clear, if you are dealing with someone who is just insanely jealous of everyone and everything, then you have to handle this a little differently. This person’s jealousy is rooted in a deep insecurity and he will “read into” everything that you say or do and conclude that he simply can’t trust you. Even the most innocent of situations will be misinterpreted and logic is lost in a sea of unbalanced emotions. While therapy might be in order for this person there is one psychological tactic that will provide temporary relief. He is jealous because he perceives an imbalance in the relationship whereby you are more valuable than he. And he, albeit sometimes unconsciously, believes that it’s just a matter of time before you figure this out for yourself. Therefore, if you become openly jealous about everything that he does, his perspective should shift dramatically. This is evidenced by the fact that you almost never see a relationship where both people are insanely jealous of the other. This is because one person’s jealousy makes the other person “retreat” to more neutral ground.

  Strategy Review

  • A person feels threatened only in areas that he considers the basis for his identity. Building up his self-esteem is not the answer. You must downplay the trait that he feels he lacks and that others possess. His jealousy is really envy of what other people have that he doesn’t.

  35

  How to Get the Best Advice from Anyone

  It’s been said that advice is something you ask for when you know the answer but wish you didn’t. Other times we ask for advice just to confirm our own thinking. So if you do seek it out, have an open mind. Good solid advice from people whom you can trust is invaluable. The problem is that we don’t always go about getting good advice the right way.

  The first thing to keep in mind is to be wary of asking advice of those who are next to you, metaphorically speaking. Meaning, if you work at a menial job, what do you think your coworker is going to think of your idea of going back to school? Jealousy and envy can creep into the advice and you may not be getting the input that’s in your best interest. This is because your coworker’s likely justified to himself why he hasn’t bettered himself, and will then explain these very same reasons to you. This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to get good advice from him, but that it’s not likely.

  Also, never ask advice from someone who has something at stake or something to lose from your decision. The more objective the person is the greater value you should place on the input. Many people seek advice from friends and family but these people often have an inherent interest in the outcome. This is not to suggest that they would not look out for your best interest, but first, their judgment is clouded by their emotional attachment and second, they may impose what they would like for you without considering your wishes.

  The reason why we often get poor advice is that it’s hard to find a person who always has our best interest at heart, isn’t envious in any way, and at no level thinks he knows what’s best for you.

  And always, always, always, get a second, third, or even fourth opinion about anything that you do. From directions on the road to directions in life, get feedback from a cross section of people. This will give you invaluable insight into what you should do. The more people you ask, the greater your perspective. Often a combination of different people’s thoughts and ideas is what will work best for you. And you can access anyone’s “brain,” even if you don’t know that person well. There is no better way to get someone’s time and attention than to use the phrase: “I’d like to get your advice on something.” You might be surprised at the wealth of information available to you when you just ask for it...the right way.

  Parenthetically, there are times when you don’t want input from multiple people: in situations where you know that there is a right and there is a wrong, but you’re just not clear on which is which. In these instances, you want a single, objective person who is experienced in giving such advice. Find someone who has wisdom in the area in which you seek advice. This is someone who has demonstrated know-how and has the experience to effectively guide you. Don’t make the mistake of getting a consensus from several people. Do that in matters of taste and preference where individual opinion is subjective. However, the truth, or what is best for you, is often objective and counsel in these areas is best given by someone who is experienced. This is because when there is only one right thing to do, then you need only ask the person who knows.

  In addition to specific experience, you should go to someone who listens thoughtfully to what you have to say and thinks before offering advice. If he’s quick to interrupt without fully hearing the situation, then he is only interested in being heard, not in being helpful.

  Strategy Review

  • Listen with an open mind, not just to confirm what you want to hear.

  • Don’t ask advice from someone who may be jealous or envious of you or your ideas.

  • Don’t ask advice from someone who has any type of stake in the outcome—emotional, financial, or otherwise.

  • Get feedback from a cross section of people. The more opinions you get the greater perspective you will have.

  36

  Give the Harshest Criticism Without Ever Offending

  When you want to “tell it how it is,” but you’re worried about bruising his ego or making him feel embarrassed or self-conscious, use this psychological strategy to say your piece without his going to pieces. When you give criticism this way you can be sure you won’t offend anyone.

  The ego is the pivotal criterion because that is the only part of us that really gets injured. Think of the ego as an image or a projection of how we would like the rest of the world to perceive us. And when this image of ourselves is threatened we become self-conscious. And when it is injured we become hurt (and lash out). The ego is fragile (because it is only an image) and when you deal with others you must seek to protect their egos if you want to spare their feelings. And the more someone believes that what you’re saying is true, and depending upon how sensitive he is to it, the more careful you need to be.

  There’s a right and wrong way to criticize and how you do it can make all the difference in the world. As you may have experienced, sometimes you’re open to criticism and other times the slightest comment can make you feel like crawling under a rock or make you extremely defensive and argumentative. What you say, how you say it, where you say it, and when you say
it all have a bearing on how your comments are received.

  The most important part of this overall strategy has to do with the timing of your conversation. The best time to criticize is when you are removed from the event. For instance, if you want to have a discussion with your lover on how she can improve her lovemaking skills, don’t bring it up while you’re in bed five minutes after sex. Discuss it when you are removed from the environment—out for a drive, perhaps, days later.

  Being removed from the environment as well as putting time between the event and your critique is also significant. Because while you may verbally assure the person that it is no big deal, you don’t convey that attitude by speaking up immediately. By waiting a few days you reduce his ego attachment to the situation and he’s less sensitive to criticism. But the closer to the event (in both time and proximity) that you criticize, the more he identifies with his behavior and the more defensive he will become.

  Additionally, when you do criticize, the following eight psychological factors will help to ensure that you can be free to voice your objections without worrying about offending him.

  1. Without making a big deal about it, let him know you’re saying this because you care—you care about him and your relationship.

  2. Always criticize in private. Even if you think that it’s no big deal, you are best to do it behind closed doors.

  3. Preface your criticism with a compliment. For instance, “Bill, you’re the most wonderful lover I’ve ever had, though I was wondering about...”

  4. Criticize the act not the person. In other words instead of saying, “You’re annoying when you...” it’s better to say, “You’re great, but on those rare times that [it] happens...”