by Ali Merci
He didn’t know how he wanted to react. Scream? Pull out his hair? Tell her it was all right and that he understood? Storm out? Remain speechless as he listened to something inside him shatter repeatedly?
He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t know.
But he managed to find his voice soon enough.
“Which is why I apologised.” His tone sounded unintentionally harsh, borderline defensive even. He had taken off that armour and allowed her to see the boy underneath it, but her words seemed to be bringing those walls crashing down on him—painfully. “Because I figured you weren’t expecting it, because I knew I’d put you on the spot. And for the record, I didn’t plan that. It just happened, and I was just as shocked as you were when I said it, so you weren’t the only one I put on the spot—”
“Why are you getting defensive?” She whipped her head around to stare at him in confusion and slight annoyance.
Asa cursed under his breath and stood up abruptly, throwing his hands into the air. “Because when someone tells you they’re in love with you, you don’t throw it back in their face!”
“What did you expect? For me to say it back?!” She narrowed her eyes at him, her chest heaving in a suppressed tornado of emotions.
“Goddammit, Carmen!” he snapped, jaw clenching, “I don’t care if you never say it back to me. When I tell you I love you, I say it because I do. Not because I’m expecting something in return! And if you don’t know that about me by now...” he let the sentence hang, turning away from her and pressing his lips into a thin line.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
He could feel that rash part of him clawing at the insecure parts of his mind; he could hear the whispers telling him to run. But he fought back against the voices, He resisted the temptation to storm out the door and never look back because taking down his armour was terrifying, but it was also what allowed him to be here, with Carmen.
So he fought back against the part of him that wanted to build those walls back up. He fought against it because Carmen West was worth fighting for.
Regaining his composure and breathing deeply so that the slight tremble in his fingers was no longer because of anger but due to all the raw emotion coursing through him, he walked closer to Carmen and then crouched down in front of her.
“Look.” His voice was gentle as he took one of her palms in both his hands and cradled it against his chest. “I wasn’t supposed to say it, not like that anyway. But you need to know it was sudden for me, too. And it was just as hard for me to realise I’d actually said it as it was for you to hear it. So I don’t expect you to jump up with joy or tell me you love me in return, but Carmen—” There was a flash of pain in his eyes. “You don’t get to analyse what I said, okay? Dissecting it and then coming to the conclusion that it was me dumping on you than opening up to you? That was… that was out of line.”
“I’m s—”
“It’s one thing for you to not be ready to accept it, but a wholly different thing to just blatantly disregard what I said like that.”
“I know, I’m so—”
“And you didn’t ev—”
“Asa!”
He stopped speaking, his mouth falling open in shock at her yelling. “What?”
Carmen let out an exasperated breath. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry and you keep interrupting me,” she deadpanned.
“Oh.” He blinked once. Then again.
“Yes, oh.”
Asa’s cheeks grew warm ,and he shot her a breath-taking smile in return. “Well then, thank you for uh, apologising.”
“You know, technically speaking, I didn’t apologise yet because you kept cutting me off.”
“Eh, it’s the thought that counts.” He shrugged, the smile slowly morphing into a wide grin.
And when she grinned back at him then, and with that subtle shake of her head, Asa’s chest didn’t feel so constricted anymore.
•••
Asa and Carmen were walking towards his red truck, the conversation flowing easily between them, when he caught her smiling to herself in an oddly nostalgic manner during one of their moments of silence.
“What is it?” he asked her, pulling his brows together.
“That dent.” She nodded towards the familiar vehicle. “Just above the front left wheel. It just. I don’t know. It feels nice. It’s been a while since we shared a ride back home.”
Asa’s lips quirked up, feeling that calming wave of warmth wash over his insides just like it always did whenever Carmen talked about the little things—the seemingly insignificant things but which mattered to him because it mattered to her.
Goddamn, he really was in love with her, wasn’t he? He bit his lip discreetly at the rhetorical question, the bursts of affection he felt for her in unexpected moments not bothering him anymore. He was about to say something, but he forgot what it was as soon as he felt a strong arm fall around his shoulder and tug him closer to a body.
“Hey,” Wyatt muttered, his blonde hair dishevelled and grey-green eyes looking troubled.
Scratch that. Not troubled. Asa realised his friend looked plain pissed off.
“What crawled up your…” The words died in Asa’s throat when Wyatt shot him a threatening look. Instead, he just rolled his eyes and stopped in his tracks. “Why do you look like you found someone taking a piss on your doorstep?”
“Some asshole keyed my car,” he bit out through gritted teeth, obviously trying hard to contain his anger. “I had to call a service and they took my car to the garage, so I’m going to need a ride.”
Asa’s eyes slowly travelled to a very bewildered Carmen standing a few feet away, staring at both him and Wyatt.
“Sure.” Asa shrugged. “Do you know who did it?”
“If I did, I’d be sitting in a cell by now, arrested for homicide,” Wyatt snapped, as if he couldn’t believe Asa would ask something so stupid and self-explanatory.
Asa held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “As if you’re the type to throw punches,” he mumbled under his breath, inaudible to Wyatt’s ears.
“Can we get going now? If I stay here any longer, I might actually start breaking limbs in order to find out who did it.”
“And I thought I had anger issues.” Asa shook his head.
Wyatt’s disbelieving stare fell on him. “Are you kidding me? I’m nowhere as violent as you!”
“Whoa. Okay, violent is a strong word.”
“You know how many fights I got into this year so far? That’s right, none. And you? God, I’ve lost count!”
Asa folded his arms across his chest defensively. “Keep talking and you’ll find yourself walking home.”
“Fine, Mum.” Wyatt mocked, walking past him and towards the truck where Carmen was still standing.
This should be fun, Asa thought as he too covered the distance to where both of them were.
He noticed Wyatt’s eyes flicker towards Carmen in confusion. “Hi,” he said uncertainly.
Carmen beamed at him. “Hey—”
“Yeah, I don’t really care,” Wyatt cut her off. “I just need you to move. You’re blocking my way.”
Carmen’s jaw dropped open the same moment that Asa smacked his palm against his own face.
“Excuse me—” Carmen began, but was cut off again.
“Asa!” Wyatt shouted, not turning back to see Asa staring at the scene unfolding before him with weary eyes. “There’s some chick leaning against the door on the passenger seat. Can you ask her to scamper off because I’m really not in the mood to be civil right now?”
This was going to end well.
“Hey, man.” Asa patted Wyatt on the back. “I see you’ve met Carmen.” He turned towards Carmen who had her eyes narrowed at Wyatt. “And I see you’ve met my friend Wyatt.”
“I’m seriously beginning to question your choice of friends,” Carmen told him, not breaking the stare-off with Wyatt.
Asa chuckled weakly. “What are you talking ab
out? Wyatt’s super friendly.”
“I’d really hate to see what your version of unfriendly is then, Asa,” Carmen said seriously.
“Why is the girl talking to you?” Wyatt asked, frowning.
“‘The girl’ is Carmen West.” Asa sighed. “Please be nice.”
Wyatt raised a brow, smirked, and then shrugged. “I can be nice,” he said nonchalantly, before looking at her again. “Please crawl away from where you’re standing because you’re being a nuisance,” he said in a pleasant manner. “Please.”
Asa rubbed a hand down his face, sighing again “I don’t think that qualifies as nice.”
“What are you talking about?” Wyatt asked incredulously. “I even said please! Twice!”
“Yes, I feel really honoured,” Carmen said in a flat tone. “I can’t begin to imagine how heartfelt those words were.”
Wyatt’s eyes narrowed. “All right, listen up smartass—”
“All right,” Asa intervened, wanting to bang his head against the window of the passenger seat. “That’s enough. The two of you are going to play nice during the ride, or I’ll kick you both out, got it?”
“Both of us?” Carmen and Wyatt asked in unison.
“Yes, Wyatt needs a ride today, so figure out a way to put up with him,” he responded to Carmen first, before turning to Wyatt, “and I’ve been driving her back for a long time now, so deal with it.”
“I have no problem.” Wyatt shrugged. “Just tell her to move away and get in the back because the passenger seat is mine.”
“I would have given it to you if you’d asked nicely instead of treating me with such hostility,” Carmen said calmly, not moving an inch.
“I’m having a bad day, I’m in no mood to play nice.”
“I’m having a bad life. You don’t see me snapping at strangers, do you?”
“Guys, you’re giving me a headache,” Asa groaned in exasperation. “Wyatt, why don’t you just get in the back—”
Wyatt shot him a look of pure betrayal. “What happened to ‘bros before hoes’?”
Before Asa could say anything though, something flickered in Wyatt’s eyes, and he whipped his head towards Carmen, an almost horrified look on his face. “Not calling you a hoe, sorry,” he hastily said, but with sincerity. “They really need to come up with a better term.”
That seemed to soften Carmen’s posture, and her lips actually curved into a faint smile that was directed at Wyatt.
“Don’t worry.” She waved it off. “I know there was no real heat behind it.”
“Hmm.” Wyatt’s eyes narrowed in speculation. “Maybe you’re not so bad.”
Carmen sighed, and her shoulders fell from the defensive stance. “Who are you dropping off first?” she asked Asa.
“Wyatt,” he replied. “His house would come up before yours.”
“I bet.” Wyatt smirked at Asa, a knowing glint in his eyes.
Asa flushed and discreetly flipped him off when Carmen wasn’t looking.
“All right then,” she muttered, “You can ride shotgun. I’ll just move over once we’ve dropped you off.”
“She’s very sensible, this one,” Wyatt remarked, looking more amused by the second. “I approve.”
“Wyatt, please, please shut your mouth, okay? For me?” Asa requested.
The wicked grin didn’t vanish from Wyatt’s face but he nodded anyway. “Cute, San Román. I’ll bug you about this later, and you know me. I’m a man of my word.”
Great, Asa thought.
Carmen waited for Wyatt to get into the truck and close the door before turning to Asa, “He was teasing you about me, wasn’t he?”
Asa’s cheeks burned, and he never wanted to punch Wyatt more than he did right then. “He was right. You are a smartass. Now get in.”
She turned around to get into the back seat, but not before Asa saw her trying to fight off the smile on her face.
And that made a smile of his own appear.
•••
“He’s actually pretty friendly, you know,” Asa told Carmen once he’d dropped Wyatt off, and she was back to being seated next to him, right where she fitted perfectly. “He’s pretty chill and really hard to anger, but once someone does manage to piss him off, then it’s even harder to get him to calm down. Really unfortunate timing that you had to meet him when he was pissed.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll take your word for it,” she answered, and even with his eyes on the road, Asa could hear the smile in her voice.
This was nice. Really nice. God, he missed this.
“Hey, Carmen?” His tone was light, airy. But his heart was doing all sorts of cartwheels inside his ribcage.
“Mmmm?”
“Don’t ever push me away again, okay? Or go on avoiding me for days because now that we’re doing this again” —he gestured around the truck, referring to them going back from school together after a long while— “it feels insane to think that I missed a couple of days spending this kind of one-on-one time with you.”
“I won’t,” she promised, her voice quiet even though it was just the two of them in the vehicle. “And please don’t let me push you away either. Don’t let me walk away, because knowing me, I’m very liable to do so.”
“I promise,” he said softly, and then used his free hand to grab one of hers. “I’ll hold on,” —he kissed the back of her hand,— “even when you’re pulling away.”
“Good,” she murmured, and Asa could hear the faint smile in her voice again.
The remaining duration of the ride passed by in a comfortable silence, with Carmen’s hand in his and nothing but the sound of her breathing filling Asa’s ears.
I love you.
He wanted to say it again; the words were skipping along the tip of his tongue, playing too close to the edge, ready to fall over and come tumbling out of his mouth.
I love you. I love you. I am so goddamn in love with you.
But Asa swallowed back the words, forced it down his throat, and crammed them into a box that he then sealed and didn’t dare touch until it was okay for him to say them to her. If that time ever came.
The truck came to a slow stop right outside her house but as usual, Carmen didn’t make a move to leave the vehicle right away.
It was another one of the little things Asa had grown to love about her: the way she wasn’t afraid to show she preferred spending time with him. Even the stolen moments such as this, where she needed to get home and he needed to go home too but instead made time for each other.
I love you.
Carmen’s grip on his hand suddenly tightened, and Asa’s heart jumped to his throat in fear that he actually said the words out loud. He relaxed once he realised he hadn’t.
“Asa.” Her voice sounded choked, and it made him turn towards her in mild alarm.
“Sí?”
A ghost of a smile graced her lips at his response, but her expression turned serious within a heartbeat. “I need to say something, okay?”
His stomach jolted uneasily. “Okay.” He forced a smile.
“All right, so.” Carmen cleared her throat and twisted her body around so that she was completely facing Asa, her left side pressing into the back of the seat. “When I—Those things I said back in the art room. When I accused you of dumping the fact you’re—that you—” There was a sound of pure frustration from the back of Carmen’s throat, and it startled Asa. “When you admitted what the extent of your feelings for me were, I questioned it not because I doubt you, Asa, but because I doubt myself.”
“What do you mean?” he asked gently.
“I mean that if you’d told me you were in love with someone, I’d have known that you meant it. Really meant it.” There was a pause, and Asa noticed Carmen’s breathing was a little louder and rushed. “But when you said you felt that way about me, it…it’s hard for me not to question the sincerity behind your words —because—well, because it’s me.”
“Carmen…”
“I don’t
know how to deal with being loved by you,” she said in a pained voice. “I don’t know how to deal with being loved.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath, and Asa felt his heart break for her along with it.
“What are you talking about?” His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears. He hated, hated, hated hearing the raw hurt in her voice. “People love you. Your dad loves you.”
She let out a weak chuckle. “Because he has to, right? Because he raised me, and the feeling comes naturally with all those years spent by my side. That kind of love is out of duty, not choice.” There was another pause. “But when you said you—when you said it, I know it was out of your own choice. Out of your free will and… I don’t know how to—I don’t know.”
“You once told me that I have a beautiful inside,” he reminded her. “Do you remember?”
Carmen nodded, eyes watering and gleaming.
“And you also told me that I make this world a better place,” he continued. “Do you still believe that?”
She nodded again. “And I always will.”
“Okay then,” —he exhaled, a tired smile crawling over his face— “because when you told me what a nice inside I have or how you think the kind of person I am makes this world a better place—if you really meant all that you said—I want you to remember that it’s that same person telling you he’s absolutely and unapologetically in love with your heart and your soul and your mind.” He brushed his lips on the back of her palm that was resting cosily in his hand. “And something tells me you’d never doubt the sincerity of a person like that.”
When Carmen smiled at him then, her lips shaking and her eyes watery, Asa fell in love with her all over again.
Carmen West had been everybody’s rock for far too long, and she needed a rock of her own to hold onto now that her world was crumbling around her. And Asa would be that for her. An anchor, a safe place for her to seek solace in, a sanctuary—he’d be whatever she needed him to be ‘till she picked up the pieces of her broken heart and glued them back together.
Maybe he didn’t know how to fix her by himself and maybe it wasn’t up to him. But what he most definitely could do without a sliver of hesitancy was love her wholeheartedly while she saved herself.