by Ali Merci
And that was what he would do.
42.
Brother Dearest
Asa had just stepped into the general boys’ locker room, accustomed to using the one at the swimming pool building only whenever necessary, when all conversation suddenly stopped and every single head turned in his direction.
The soft smile that had unintentionally slipped onto his face when he replayed a conversation between him and Carmen instantly fell and he froze momentarily.
“Asa,” the swimming coach called out, nodding casually at him.
“Coach.” Asa nodded back, regaining his composure and stepping further in, letting the door swing shut behind him.
“We were just talking about the interstate swimming meet,” Wyatt said in an airy tone, obviously trying to ease the tension that was now almost tangible in the air.
“Yeah,” somebody else spoke up, “and about how Carson is not going to be able to take part in it.” His tone had a bitter edge. “Convenient for you, isn’t it? You’ve got no competition now.”
Asa stared at the sophomore with incredulity, genuinely clueless as to what he was talking about. “What the hell are you going on about? Obviously, Carson can compete in the meet; you’re exaggerating the damage I did to him.”
Wyatt shook his head. “Gabe’s not talking about Carson’s injuries. Didn’t you hear? Hendrickson isn’t allowing Carson to enter the meet either.” He didn’t bother keeping the glee out of his tone, earning a dirty look from Gabe, the sophomore.
Asa blinked, obviously taken aback at this news. “I—I didn’t know…” and neither did he know how to feel.
On one hand, he was euphoric something fair was actually happening, that Carson was being punished for his disgusting behaviour as much as Asa himself was being punished for getting into a brawl.
On the other hand, though—despite his dislike for Carson—Asa knew he was every bit the passionate swimmer as himself. He knew how crushed he’d felt when he was told he couldn’t be a contestant and Asa didn’t think he’d wish that sinking sensation upon someone else.
“I’m sure.” Ronnie snorted, apparently not believing that Asa didn’t know about this.
“Dude, shut up,” Hayden muttered. “Carson had it coming anyway. He never knew how to keep his mouth shut.”
“Well, Asa could’ve just thought with his brains rather than his dick that day,” Gabe snapped. “Now all he’s done is ruin this school’s chance of winning that championship.”
“Wanna say that again?” Wyatt asked threateningly, eyes narrowing into slits.
“All right, that’s enough.” Coach’s authoritative tone cut off any further arguments. “Shit happens. Shit already did happen. So quit your whining. Jesus, even the cheerleaders don’t make such a fuss when they lose a competition.” Then he left the room.
“Cheerleading isn’t even a sport,” Ronnie snickered after the coach was out of earshot.
“Don’t let Isla hear you say that,” Asa muttered, not hearing his own words until after he’d said them.
He didn’t expect the sudden jolt of pain, he really didn’t. Defending her, speaking up for what Isla believed in even though they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. It was so natural for him to do so, and it hit him like a punch to his gut.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.“Right,” one of the seniors drawled, a suggestive tone lacing his voice. “I almost forgot how quick you’d jump to your girlfriend’s defence.”
“She’s not my girlfriend.” Asa sighed, tired of having this conversation for the thousandth time.
“By the looks of it, she isn’t anything to you anymore.”
That comment hurt, but Asa didn’t show any signs of it. He wasn’t going to give anyone any more ammo to load their guns.He was done being at the mercy of whoever had their hands wrapped around the trigger. Except, he realised, he’d already given someone the ultimate power to shoot him dead when he told Carmen he was in love with her. He stamped down on the worry, though. There was no reason to be afraid, was there? Carmen’s hands were safe. They were gentle. Her hands could never aim a loaded gun at him.
Asa was safe. He was safe.
He’d found a safe haven in her. And he was darn lucky to have done so.
“Asa’s right, though,” somebody else from the basketball team spoke. “Isla’s out of the picture. He’s got himself a new girlfriend now.”
Asa’s back stiffened, his muscles tensing, and the only words playing in his head were Oh, don’t you dare. Don’t you drag Carmen into this.
“I’ve noticed, too!” Ronnie grinned, eyes widening. “She’s a senior, right? I think she’s in one of my classes.”
“So, is she any good?” someone whose name Asa couldn’t pronounce asked suggestively.
“‘Any good’?” Asa repeated, feeling sick to his stomach. He hated locker room talk.
“You know.” Gabe smirked. “In the sack.”
Anger flared up in Asa so fast, he thought he would explode into flames right then and there.
“Don’t talk about her that way,” he hissed.
“Oh, relax,” Ronnie rolled his eyes. “As if you haven’t thought about getting it on with her. What’s her name again? Something West…Carmen, I think.”
“That’s enough,” a low voice came from the back and Asa whipped his head around, eyes landing on Hunter who’d been seated on the bench at the corner all this while, apparently watching the scene unfolding before him without a word.
“What?” Ronnie gawked, stunned like every other person in that room that Hunter was actually not jumping at the chance to antagonise Asa, his supposed archnemesis.
“I said shut up,” Hunter growled. “Or, are you fucking deaf?”
Ronnie was blinking repeatedly, his mouth opening and closing like a fish on dry land, looking so lost that he might as well have arrived on planet Earth just yesterday.
“Since when do you have a problem with us talking about girls?” one of the senior swimmers scoffed.
“When the girl you’re speaking about is my cousin, you asshole,” Hunter said with an edge to his voice, his tone sharp enough to cut through steel. “Mention her one more fucking time, I dare you.”
The whole room fell silent within a matter of seconds, and everybody looked away awkwardly, suddenly finding something to fidget with or forcing themselves into conversations with whoever was near them.
But Asa wouldn’t look away. He couldn’t.
He hated Hunter, and he always, always would. But his eyes remained fixed on the brown-haired, blue-eyed boy as if waiting for him to turn to smoke and vanish into thin air like it would in a dream.
But it wasn’t a dream, because Hunter was still seated there, sweeping his eyes over the lockers, the scattered jerseys, and the athletes in a bored manner. No, scratch that. Hunter didn’t look bored—not even that, no. There was nothing there in his eyes, not a single flicker of emotion. And Asa hated himself right then. Because even though this boy had put him through hell, made him feel like he wasn’t good enough, Asa felt the tiniest part of him twist in sympathy for Hunter.
He tore his eyes away, reminding himself that he was the last person Hunter deserved any shred of compassion from.
With that in mind, he walked towards Hayden and Wyatt on the other end of the locker room and soon enough fell into an effortless conversation with them.
•••
“Hey,” Asa murmured as he lowered himself into the seat next to Carmen during lunch, his voice soft enough for only her to hear.
She tilted her head towards him, a surprised smile lifting her mouth at the corners. “Hi.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “This is a nice surprise.”
Carmen sounded genuinely happy, and that sent a ripple of warmth through him.
“Yeah? Well, then, I’m glad you’re not kicking me out.”
She laughed, and Asa could picture a shooting star zooming across the midnight sky, a trail of light in its wake.
“Is this
going to be a daily occurrence now?” Willa asked, raising a brow as she placed her tray on the table and sat down across from them.
“Feel free to move if it makes you uncomfortable.” Asa shrugged, a lazy smile playing on his lips.
“All right, Cassanova.” Willa grinned. “Play nice now. We can still vote you out of this table, you know. Carmen’s the only one in your favour here.”
Asa’s teasing eyes fell on Joyce, the mischief in his smile unmistakable. “Joyce, you want me here, don’t you? Unless, of course, you want to take my place in History class again.”
Joyce’s cheeks flamed red, and her jaw dropped open, appalled that Asa had the audacity to actually threaten her.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He grinned, taking advantage of her speechless state. He turned towards Willa. “Guess it’s a tie now.”
“You guys aren’t a thing, right?” Lottie spoke up for the first time, nodding towards Carmen and Asa. “Like, you aren’t together or anything, yeah?”
Asa figured she was Joyce’s counterpart, bold and blunt.
“No,” he replied, somewhat awkwardly.
Lottie let out a breath of relief, and it rubbed him the wrong way.
“You seem relieved to hear that,” Willa remarked, picking up on the gesture too.
Lottie lifted a shoulder into a half-shrug. “Well, yeah. Carmen deserves better.”
All the air was knocked out of Asa’s lungs as her words hit him in the chest like a ton of bricks, and Willa’s spoon fell from her hand, landing on the table with a clatter, and her eyes widened with shock and discomfort.
“That wasn’t a very nice thing to say,” Joyce mumbled under her breath, but since silence had fallen among their table, her words were audible enough for everyone to hear.
“The truth stings. Deal with it.” Lottie shrugged again.
“Lottie!” Carmen hissed, and Asa felt her tense beside him.
“What?” she asked innocently. “I mean, come on. The only reason he notices you is because you’re not one of the girls who swoon over him! But the minute you start paying him attention and he’s won you over, he’ll drop you like a used tissue paper.”
He could shake this off like he would have done once not long ago. Asa could let this roll off his back and sweep it under the rug. But he’d had enough. This time, he wanted to fight back.
Folding his arms across his chest, and leaning back in his chair, he narrowed his eyes and stared down at Lottie. “And how do you know that?”
Lottie blinked once. Then again. It was obvious she wasn’t used to her judgements being questioned.
“What?” She frowned, darting a look at Joyce and Willa before landing her eyes back on him.
“All that you just said,” he said, chin raised, voice hard. “You seem to know me like the back of your hand. How is that?”
Lottie’s brows pulled together, the skin on her forehead creasing as she squinted at Asa. “Because… well, it’s obvious” —she threw her hands in the air— “all you jocks are the same.”
Asa nodded seriously, as if he was genuinely taking her words into consideration. “All right, all right.” He unfolded his arms and placed them on the tabletop, intertwining his fingers together and leaning towards Lottie. “See, I may be good with words but numbers are never my strong point. So I can’t tell you exactly how many jocks there are in this state alone. But I’m guessing you’re smart enough to know that there are probably a couple thousand. So tell me, Lottie, are you saying you’ve crossed paths with every single one of those jocks? Is that what you’re telling me? I mean, if you can be so sure of labelling and stereotyping every single school athlete, then you must know what you’re talking about, right?”
He felt a warm hand touch his knee under the table, and he found himself appreciating Carmen’s silent support more than he thought he would.
Willa laughed weakly in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. “Oh come on, Asa. Take a joke. Lottie’s just messing with you, I’m sure.”
Asa’s stare shifted to Willa, his eyes hardening at the edges. “A joke is supposed to be funny. Provoke laughter. Cause amusement. For both parties. I suggest looking up the dictionary sometimes. Because Carmen doesn’t find it funny, Joyce doesn’t find it funny, and I certainly don’t think it’s amusing that she took it upon herself to judge my intentions with Carmen.”
“I didn’t—”
“And you’re the last person who gets to justify what she said,” he cut her off. “Not after the way you treated me. And Isla. I get that you’ve had a difficult past, but use that pain to empathise, not attack.”
“That was a low blow, bringing up my past like that.” Willa glared at him, her face twisted into a grimace.
Asa smiled at her coldly, completely unapologetic. “Come on, Willa,” he mimicked her own words. “Take a joke. I was just messing with you.” This time, Carmen’s hand squeezed his knee gently and he didn’t know if she was reassuring him or if she was asking him to put an end to this right now. He figured it was most probably the latter.
So he took in a deep breath, reminded himself that these were still Carmen’s friends—friends of the girl he was in love with—and let it go.
“I’m going to get my stuff for next period from my locker,” he told Carmen, turning his face towards her. His eyes softened when they landed on the familiar pair of grey eyes.
“There’s still twenty minutes of lunch left,” she pointed out, but her voice sounded small even to his ears.
“I’ll find something to do, don’t worry.” He waved it off, not wanting her to take what had just transpired to heart. Asa knew she had enough on her plate already as it was. This unnecessary drama was definitely something she didn’t need.
“But you haven’t even eaten properly.” Carmen gestured towards his tray, the dismay still evident in her voice.
“Lost my appetite.” He shrugged, pushing his chair back and rising out of his seat.
As he walked past her, he let his fingers graze the back of her neck and shoulders in an attempt to say that it was okay. That they were okay.
Just as he reached the doors of the cafeteria, he stopped in his tracks and turned around to spare her a glance, only to find her eyes already on him. The gentle nod of her head and soft smile on her face told him that she’d understood what he’d tried to say without words. And that yes, they were indeed okay.
I love you.
Even standing a good distance away from her, those three words were still aching to be released in a scream for the world to hear. But Asa just closed his eyes for a brief second. He inhaled deeply, shook the words off and then walked away.
•••
It was just after the final bell had rung and when the students were flooding into the hallways from every single classroom that Asa saw Hunter again. Normally, he’d have turned away. Asa would have thanked his lucky stars that Hunter hadn’t seen him and just went on his way.
But so much had changed within the past two months—so much had changed within Asa.
And now that the question that’d been nudging him for the past few weeks popped into his head again, he found his feet taking him towards the godforsaken boy.
He was so going to regret this. But he kept walking towards Hunter anyway.
Asa stopped just a few feet from where Hunter was standing in front of his locker and rummaging through it with an agitated look on his face. And now that he was here, he couldn’t understand why the hell he thought this was a good idea in the first place. He wanted someone to throw something at his face for his stupidity, preferably a chair.
“If you keep staring at me for even a second longer, I’m going to gouge your eyes out with my thumbs.” Hunter’s annoyed voice snapped Asa from his thoughts.“I’m not staring at you,” Asa retorted, feeling all the rage he felt for this boy boil towards the surface in the blink of an eye.
“Then piss off.”
“Why’d you stand up for Carmen today?” The question
flew out of Asa’s mouth before he could restrain it.
He noticed Hunter freeze for a moment before he quickly slipped back into that devil-may-care facade.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hunter answered smoothly, his tone implying that he could be doing a thousand other things than have this conversation with Asa.
But Asa knew bullshit when he saw it; he’d put up with Isla for years now and during that time, he’d learnt to tell when someone was wearing a mask.
“Yes, you do,” he said, sounding annoyed. “You defended her in the locker room today.”
Hunter sighed, temporarily stopping the search of his locker’s interior. “I wanted some peace and quiet but all the guys’ voices were annoying me. So I asked them to shut up.” He went back to digging through the contents of his locker, not once sparing Asa a glance. “That’s all.”
“Bullshit.” Asa scoffed. “You spoke up because somewhere deep down, I think some part of you actually cares about her.”
He saw Hunter’s jaw tick, and instantly knew he’d touched a nerve. “You don’t know shit,” he muttered.
Asa didn’t know what the hell he was doing still standing there, having what he could only describe as a twisted resemblance of a conversation with the one person who loathed him as much as he loathed them in return.
“And when I say somewhere deep down, I mean really deep,” Asa went on, “like buried underneath all your hundred layers of tough exterior and scowls.”
Hunter slammed his locker door shut at that, and the bang resonated throughout the hallway, startling most of the students and causing some of them to dare look their way while the others just picked up their pace and walked faster.
“What the fuck do you want?” Hunter asked, eyes blazing as he looked at Asa for the first time since their conversation. “For me to admit that I care about her? Well, I don’t. Sorry to burst your bubble, but piss off already.”
“You’re lying.” Asa shook his head. “Why else would you—”
“Maybe I’m just a territorial asshole,” Hunter answered, taking a threatening step closer, the muscles in his jaw clenching. “Maybe it was just the sadistic part of me telling them that tormenting Carmen was my job. Did you ever think about that?” When Asa didn’t respond, Hunter laughed darkly. “Figured so. Did you really think I cared about her? Stop being so naive and looking for redeeming qualities in me. Never gave a shit about her and I never will.”