Through Your Eyes

by Ali Merci

  “Come on.” Asa laughed, shaking his head to himself and shifting from his position. “Let's start with the food or I'll end up spending the rest of the night finding ways to make you blush.”

  “You know, I don’t think people come to the park with food and blankets at half past eight in the night,” Carmen said, sounding amused.

  “We’ll just have to make history then,” Asa told her, catching her eyes and offering her a tender smile. “Besides, the park is very well-lit with all these lampposts and garden lights. It might as well be late noon or something.”

  Carmen hummed in agreement, her eyes instantly widening as soon as one of the food containers was opened and the aroma hit her nose.

  “Now,” Asa declared grandly. “Let me introduce you to some fine cuisine.”

  And so Carmen let herself be taught about how gorditas were best served with potatoes and that frijoles were just plain disgusting—in Asa’s opinion, anyway—which was why he hadn’t let his mum add it to the mix. Carmen also learnt that pozole rojo was Asa’s absolute favourite, and according to him, no one made it as good as Iliana San Román did.

  Asa’s eyes were lit up with a pure kind of innocence, making the golden embers stand out even more than usual. He rambled on and on about how he believed tacos were overrated and that elotes tasted much better without the mayonnaise and sour cream, the enthusiasm never leaving his face or voice as he allowed Carmen to step into his world.

  And even as her ears registered his words, her heart was absorbing everything else: the rushed tone of his voice as if he’d never be able to say all that he wanted to before tonight was over; the way his lips remained stretched into a wide, excited smile; and the way his entire face seemed to light up when he spoke so passionately about something he loved.

  “And, I mean, who would even want to eat that, right? It even smells—” Asa was cut off when Carmen grabbed the back of his neck on impulse and pulled his face down to press her lips against his.

  She rose to her knees from her sitting position, curling her entire arm around his neck as she kissed him deeply. The moment didn’t last for too long, though, as she pulled away after a few more seconds.

  Asa blinked, staring at her in a dazed manner as he brought his hand up to touch his bottom lip. “What was that for?” he asked in a surprised tone, genuine happiness evident on his face.

  Carmen lifted her shoulders helplessly. “You were being cute.”

  Asa only grunted in reply, averting his gaze, but Carmen caught the way his lips twitched—a telltale sign of a smile being suppressed.

  That only caused a smile of her own to sneak its way onto her face.

  •••

  As it turned out, Asa was also obsessed with ice cream.

  After they had left the park, Asa drove them to a self-service ice cream parlour and had gone crazy trying out toppings of various flavours and types until he realised he couldn’t force himself to eat his horrible concoction.

  Carmen watched him dump his paper cup into a bin and serve all over again, all the while struggling to contain her laughter because she had repeatedly told him the toppings he’d chosen didn’t blend with one another at all. He’d told her something about being adventurous and trying out new things.

  “Just plain old cookies and cream,” Asa said with a sigh as he walked to where she was standing, holding up his freshly served ice cream.

  “Aw, really? What happened to being adventurous?” Carmen asked, feigning pity.

  Asa shot her a half-hearted glare. “Don’t.”

  “Now, now.” She grinned. “We can’t all be experts at both Mexican cuisine and ice cream. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” Carmen pressed her lips together, trying her hardest not to laugh at the wounded look on Asa’s face.

  “You’re being awfully cheeky tonight,” Asa muttered, eyes softening as they swept across every inch of Carmen’s face.

  “Means I’m happy.” She smiled, reaching out and slipping an arm around the crook of his elbow as they walked towards the exit and left the parlour.

  They decided to leave his truck in the parking lot, opting to walk around the block with their ice cream cups rather than having it inside the crowded parlour.

  Asa went on to tell her about the time he’d made breakfast for his family for the first time ever and his mother had come into the kitchen with a baseball bat, thinking a burglar had broken in.

  Carmen listened as he told her about his mother’s huge vendetta against cursing whilst she herself did it relentlessly. And not once did Carmen find herself without a smile on her face. She loved to hear him speak about his family, about his trips to Mexico for their Independence Day, and the crazy pranks his cousins would pull on each other.

  Somewhere along the way, Carmen realised he was doing the talking for both of them because he knew she wouldn’t have much to say about her own family. And if it was even possible, she fell that much more in love with him.

  They dumped their empty ice cream cups into a street bin and walked back around the block to return to the parking lot, Asa’s arm now draped over Carmen’s shoulders as he tucked her into the side of his body.

  “So how come you don’t have a phone?” Asa asked, frowning slightly.

  “I’ve got no use for it,” Carmen replied, pinching her brows together. “I mean, all everyone uses it now for is the social media applications, right? I can’t see myself opening up a Facebook or Twitter account, unless I wanted to take nature photographs or share my paintings and stuff.”

  “Um, you’d use an Instagram account for that, rather than Facebook or Twitter,” Asa told her, amusement dancing across his face.

  “Same thing, right?” Carmen sighed. “ Just pictures being posted everywhere.”

  “Fine, forget the social media, but what about keeping in touch with your friends?”

  “I have this thing called a landline, you know.” Carmen rolled her eyes. “Joyce contacts me through that. Willa and Lottie aren’t exactly the friends I take back home with me after school.”

  Asa stopped in his tracks, removing his arm from around Carmen’s shoulders and shooting her a deadpan look. “Do I really have to spell it out for you?”

  Carmen tilted her head at him, confusion flickering in her eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  Asa grumbled under his breath before throwing his arms into the air. “Me! I’m talking about me. How am I supposed to keep in touch with you?”

  Understanding dawned on Carmen’s soft features, and a sheepish laugh escaped her lips. “Oh,” she mumbled.

  “Yes, oh,” Asa mimicked, shaking his head fondly as he watched her.

  “Well, then, I actually do have a phone. I mean, Dad got me one two months back but I haven’t used it yet. It’s still in the packaging.” Carmen grinned a little too wide, shrugging in an apologetic manner.

  “God, you’re such a dork.” Asa grabbed the back of her neck and tugged. “Come here.” She stumbled forward at the same time that he stepped closer, bending his head to place a messy kiss on her mouth, a smile still on his lips.

  Then they headed back to the parking lot, the sound of the flickering lamppost above them blending in with their giggles while they kept sharing quick, short kisses and grinning against each other’s mouths, tripping over their own feet like love-struck fools as they walked.

  •••

  Asa’s eyes flickered to the clock on the dashboard of the truck just as he parked in front of Carmen’s house. The numbers read ten minutes to eleven.

  There was a long, deep sigh from next to him, and he turned to look at Carmen who was stretching her arms above her with a giddy smile on her face.

  It made his heart skip a beat, which was actually pretty terrifying because he didn’t think he’d ever felt his heartbeat skip so far in his entire life.

  Until now, of course. Until Carmen goddamn West.

  “Asa.” His name tumbled out of her mouth in a soft breath, as if speaking his name alone s
eemed to make her feel content.

  “Mm?” His response was distracted, almost barely-there, as his eyes zeroed in on her lips yet again.

  He’d lost count on the number of times he’d kissed her tonight, and yet here he was, craving more. It was crazy to think that he’d fallen in love with her without wondering what her lips would taste like, what her skin would feel like.

  But now that he knew what it was like to run his fingers through her endless midnight hair; now that he knew about the wildfire capable of coursing throughout his entire body at having her body pressed against his; now that he knew the mind-blowing sensation of having her lips tucked between his own, it was all that consumed his mind.

  Ah, crap, he thought. He really wanted to kiss her again now.

  “Tonight was perfect,” she mumbled lazily, looking up at him with dazed eyes. It was the first time Asa had seen a pair of grey eyes look so warm.

  You’re perfect, he wanted to say, but kept his mouth shut before he made a fool of himself.

  “I’m glad you think so.” He smiled back. “Because I just had the best night ever.” He paused and reconsidered his statement. “Well, second best, actually.”

  “What’s the first?” Carmen pulled her brows together.

  “The night you told me you loved me back,” Asa murmured, his heart fluttering ever so slightly.

  “Because I told you I love you or because you finally got to kiss me?” She bit her lip and wiggled her eyebrows.

  Ay, Dios mío.

  “Carmen,” he gasped, breath hitching and the words in his head tripping over one another as his mind reeled from discovering this new side of her—a side that Asa was pretty confident only he had the privilege of knowing.

  “What?” she asked, her mouth curving into an impish smile, that teasing glint in her eyes from the night of the party making its appearance once again.

  “You—that.” Asa paused, and then swore under his breath. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me.”

  “I think I have a pretty good idea.” She grinned at him and then started to open the car door. “Walk me to my door?”

  “As if you even had to ask.” Asa scoffed, getting out of the vehicle himself. “You know by now I’m a perfect gentleman.”

  Carmen climbed up the front porch steps and then turned around to face him, lifting a brow in amusement. “In school, you mean, and in public. But I know what you’re really like when it’s just the two of us, and gentleman is the last word that comes to mind.”

  Asa was seeing stars. He had to be by this point.

  “You make one more suggestive comment,” he said warningly, “and—”

  He stopped, because the lack of a car in her driveway reminded him of something.

  “Wait a minute, your dad’s not home.” He grinned, squaring his shoulders and stepping closer to Carmen.

  “Yeah. I did tell you.”

  “Yeah. Which means he’s not pulling the typical dad move and watching us from behind a curtain.” Asa’s eyes were zeroed in on Carmen’s now, inching closer and closer towards her as she slowly backed away.

  “You sound happy about that.”

  “Oh, I am,” he said in a gruff voice. “Because now I can do this.” He grabbed both ends of her scarf and tugged her forward. “And this,” he breathed out, as he lowered his head and grazed his teeth across her bottom lip, hearing her breath hitch at the contact.

  “Asa,” Carmen gasped against his mouth, her breathing growing ragged and heavy.

  “What?” he mumbled into her skin as he left a trail of kisses down her throat and neck. “Where are all your smartass remarks now?”

  His right arm curled around her waist and he used his left one to cup the back of her head as he walked forward ’till her back was pressed against the wall of the house, both of his hands behind her lessening the impact of her body hitting the hard surface.

  “Carmen Carmen Carmen,” Asa breathed heavily, leaning his forehead against hers, a smile playing at the ends of his mouth. “Mi amor.” He kissed her forehead. “Mi cielo.” Then he kissed her cheek. “Mi sol.” He kissed her other cheek and then dipped his head, kissing her on the mouth with everything he had, not wanting this date to end at all.

  “Asa.” Everything that left either Carmen’s or Asa’s mouth was a gasp now, every single syllable short of breath and thick with emotion.

  “Tell me.”

  “I’m so happy right now,” she told him, her breath still faltering as she grabbed a fistful of his sweater.

  Asa kissed her forehead again. “I’m happy that you are. You deserve the world.”

  “No, you don’t understand.” She began shaking her head frantically, her voice trembling. “I’m happy, so goddamn happy, Asa. And I… I don’t—this is too unreal. I haven’t been this content and at peace in, like, forever and I just… Maybe I’m being irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling that this will all just get ripped away from me.”

  “Carmen—”

  “And—and—and—” Her hold on his sweater tightened, and Asa watched in horror as she looked up at him with scared, watery eyes. “I did have true happiness once, you know. I remember what it was like to have known love. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I remember. I remember what it felt like. And I also remember what it was like to have it all snatched from my grasp within the blink of an eye when my mum died.”

  “Mi amor, I need you to breathe, all right? Please just take in deep bre—”

  “I thought that feeling was gone forever, that I’d never know what it’d be like to be loved irrevocably, and I have it now, Asa. I have it with you. But happiness has never stuck with me before; it’s always so fleeting. So temporary and—”

  Asa grabbed her chin and lifted her face to look at her with determined eyes. “We are not temporary,” he said firmly, making sure she understood how serious he was, and then rested his forehead against hers again. “I can feel your heartbeat,” he mumbled after a while, focusing on the accelerated beats of her heart since her chest was firmly pressed against his own. “It's skyrocketing. Just like mine. Try and tell me that's temporary.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice, looking away.

  “For?”

  “Panicking. Breaking down on you like that.”

  “If not me, to whom are you going to break down on?” He kissed her temple. “You’re always being brave and strong for everyone else. Let me be the one person you don’t have to put on a mask for.” He kissed the bridge of her nose. “Let me in, Carmen. No matter what, always let me in.”

  She gave him a tiny smile, but it was enough to send a wave of warmth through him and calm his insides.

  “I will,” she promised, releasing the death grip she had on Asa’s sweater and relaxing slowly as the panic faded away.

  “Carmen?”

  “Yeah?”

  “There’s something I've been wanting to tell you all night.”

  “What is it?”

  “You were wrong the other night,” he said softly. “About the binary pairs.”

  “I was?” she sounded confused.

  “Well, no, not really. You were right. But also wrong.”

  A short laugh fell past Carmen’s lips. “That makes no sense.”

  “You said that there was a primary star in the system and a secondary one whose light was dimmer. Well, I went back home and did some reading about the whole binary system.”

  “And?”

  “And, as it turns out, in certain cases both stars do have equal brightness.” Asa smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he did so. “And then there’s a type of a binary pair called close binaries.” He cupped her face, running soothing circles on her cheek with his thumb. “They say that both the stars in that particular system have the ability to transfer their mass from one to the other, almost like giving each other parts of themselves.” Asa pulled her in for a tight embrace, hugging her so hard that he might as well have kept all the broken piece
s inside her firmly held together. “And I think that’s pretty darn amazing,” he said into her hair.

  Carmen didn’t respond, but the way her hands tightened around his torso, the way it screamed never let me go never let me go never let me go as she returned the hug, spoke volumes to Asa.

  “So, see,” Asa murmured, stroking her hair gently. “Two stars can shine equally bright. And the next time you compare stars to souls, just remember that they can be equals.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head, breathing in her scent and enjoying the sense of calm it brought him. “Life finds a way to beat the odds, Carmen. You just need to know where to look.”

  49.

  I’ll Stand by You

  The rest of the days passed by in nothing short of pure bliss, and before long, Thanksgiving had arrived too, and the reality of it all hit Carmen in the face like a bucket of iced water.

  Her father had grown even more withdrawn than ever, filling in for more shifts at the hospital. Carmen would wake up most days to find himself already gone which eventually cut down their time usually spent together during breakfast.

  The logical part of Carmen told her he needed space to think, to come to terms with the fact that he was stepping foot in the family home of his wife’s side after so many years. He was probably anxious to the bone of meeting the people who were once his people too.

  But another part of Carmen couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps it was she that he was avoiding. That maybe staying in the same room as her was becoming too much for him.

  Everybody had their breaking point. Everybody had to hit rock bottom one way or another. Maybe her father’s time was now. And maybe, after hitting it, he’d be able to dust himself off and start over.

  Maybe next time around, they’d do things right.

  So many maybes. And Carmen’s heart swelled with the realisation that Asa was the one thing in her life that was definite. He was her rock, her solid ground that kept her feet rooted when everything seemed to spin around her.

  Warmth washed over her at the thought and a soft smile found its way on her face.