Through Your Eyes

by Ali Merci

  “Right,” he drawled, his eyes flashing back at her with a look of pure defiance. “Because you’re going to give me a piece of your mind if I push you too much. Because for once in your life you’re actually going to put someone in their place after wronging you.”

  “Stop it, Hunter. I mean that.”

  “Well, go ahead, show me what you’ve got then—”

  “Stop it—”

  “—I mean, you are Carmen West, right? The girl who’s always smiling, always letting things roll off her, the one who’s always unfazed and nonchalant —”

  “Shut up!!” Carmen bellowed, jumping from the couch and hurling whatever her fingers could grasp in Hunter’s general direction.

  The TV remote flew a good distance past Hunter’s head, crashing into the wall near the entrance of the living room, the batteries falling out and rolling away as few pieces of the device broke and scattered across the tiled floor.

  “What the hell do you want from me!” Carmen’s eyes flashed, every bit of that storm in her coming to life and engulfing her as a whole.

  “This,” Hunter replied, not appearing the least bit stunned as he gestured towards her. “I want you to stop shutting down. I want you to stop blocking out all the bad shit. Scream at me. Yell at me. Throw whatever at me. Go ahead. Punch me while you’re at it. But don’t go crawling back into that shell of yours.”

  Carmen let out a laugh of utter disbelief, throwing her hands up into the air. “Is that what you’d like me to do, Hunter? You’d like me to let you in?”

  Hunter tilted his head slightly, his eyes narrowing the tiniest fraction. “Yeah,” he eventually said. “If it takes you screaming your lungs out at me, then so be it.”

  “I can’t believe you,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head to herself.

  “Why is it so hard for you to believe—”

  “I did let you in!” Carmen’s voice was thunder as wave after wave of buried, restrained pain from a lifetime ago came undone and crashed over her. “I did let you in once.” She bit out, her breaths coming in harsh gasps. “And do you know what you did? You took all that love and trust and admiration I had for you and walked right out of my life with it. And then—do you know what you did after that, Hunter?—you threw it all back at my face in school. You turned all that affection into something ugly and used it to drag me down time after time.”

  “Carmen—”

  “I did let you in, Hunter.” Her voice cracked, like that split in the sky when lightning struck. “And you repaid it with pain and my heart torn to shreds.”

  Asa. She wanted Asa. She wanted his rough fingers running through her hair, his hands cradling her waist, his chest shielding her in a bone-crushing embrace, his terms of endearment tumbling out his mouth as he murmured them against her skin repeatedly.

  She wanted the one person in this world who made her realise what home was supposed to feel like.

  “Fine.” Hunter snapped, eyes hardening but not before Carmen noticed a flicker of hurt there. “Don’t let me in, then. At least let me call that perfect little boyfriend of yours.”

  Carmen froze, momentarily losing track of her thoughts regarding Asa and wondering how, even after all this time apart, Hunter could read her like an open book.

  “Come on,” he muttered, sighing in defeat. “He’d be better at this whole comforting thing anyway. I’m not the sentimental type. Can’t do this heart-to-heart shit right now.”

  Carmen’s mind flashed back to when Asa had hugged her after their date on the porch when she’d started panicking—how he’d wrapped his arms around her in an ironclad grip as if he wanted to force back all her broken pieces together.

  She wanted to feel that again, to get lost in his warmth, to see that tenderness in his coffee eyes every time he stole a glance at her.

  But…

  But Carmen had just fallen and crash-landed on the cold concrete with everything that made her whole now lying around in fragments. And she just needed to gather those shards of her entire being and sew them back together before raising herself up from rock bottom.

  It was tiring—this constant act of coming undone and patching herself back into something whole. But she knew what it was like to have been condemned before being given a chance, and Carmen wasn’t about to do the same and give up on herself.

  “I can’t do that,” she mumbled under her breath, letting her body fall back into the soft cushions as all the energy drained away from her bones.

  “Why not?” Hunter asked, that sour look still on his face.

  “Because…” Carmen pressed her lips into a thin line, feeling her chest tighten with something she couldn’t explain. “He, uh, he doesn’t—he doesn’t know.”

  At first, confusion swam in Hunter’s eyes then understanding dawned on his features. Carmen watched as his expression softened and the annoyance slipped away from his demeanour. Pushing himself off the other couch, he walked towards Carmen and then dropped down next to her, leaning back against the cushions and tipping his head back on the headrest.

  “Then let him know,” Hunter said, shrugging as he kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

  “No,” Carmen said hastily, eyes widening and her heart jolting sharply in her chest. “No, don’t be ridiculous, Hunter. I can’t do that—I mean, Asa and I—we—things are good, okay? Really good. I love what he and I have but... Letting him see this part of me, telling him about where I come from—I can’t—it… it’s just going to make…” Carmen sighed heavily, feeling weighed down by something she couldn’t touch. “I…I feel like what we have is pure, you know? And I don’t—Hunter, I can’t let that part of me taint it,” she finished saying in a small voice.

  “It’s not a part of you, Carmen,” Hunter told her quietly. “It is you. You need to stop pretending like it’s a piece of cloth—like it’s something you can take off whenever you want.”

  “I’m not sure if you’re trying to make me feel better or worse.”

  Hunter sighed and shot her a flat look. “What I mean is, you’re keeping your birth at an arm’s length instead of owning it and letting it sink in—really sink in.”

  “I’m fine.” Carmen looked away. “It’s worked this far, and I’ve always managed to pick myself back up.”

  “Maybe, but it’s also acting as a barrier when it comes to you letting Asa all the way in.”

  Carmen stiffened, and Hunter seemed to notice it, because he turned to face her with a weary expression, as if expecting her to lash out at him again.

  “You know nothing about Asa and me,” she muttered, curling her fingers into her palm.

  “No, I don’t,” he replied easily. “And do you know why? Because I wasn’t around—because I wasn’t a part of your life. And do you know why that was? Because I put up a barrier that didn’t allow you all the way in. And that cost me you, Carmen.” Hunter averted his gaze, jaw clenching. “After that, it was a downward spiral. Shutting down mentally, closing off and pushing away people—it all became so easy, almost as natural as breathing. If you let this keep dragging you down, it’s going to cost you Asa. And then more.”

  Carmen blinked back a fresh set of tears, her throat tightening and making it even more painful to speak. “I don’t know how to—how would I even say it? How am I supposed to actually say the words—I don’t…”

  “See,” Hunter murmured, the uncharacteristically soft tone of his voice catching Carmen off guard. “The problem isn’t that you think he’s going to love you any less. It’s that you’ve never actually said the words out aloud. And saying them would make it all real and you’re not ready to accept that.”

  Despite the harsh, bitter truth in his words, Carmen chose not to confirm them and instead looked at Hunter through the corner of her eyes. “You can’t know that,” she said quietly.

  “Yes, I can,” he said, smiling sadly. “Because when you broke down in the car just an hour ago as we were leaving the dinner, I wanted to tell you that I never meant an
y of those things I said to you. I wanted to tell you that you’re so much more than a broken heart, that you weren’t an abomination, that I’m sorry, that I lo—that you matter to me. I wanted to tell you how I wish I could take everything back. But I couldn’t bring myself to say any of that.”

  Carmen’s vision blurred as she tilted her head up to look at Hunter, the tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. “Why not?”

  “Because,” he paused, breaking the eye contact and looking down at his hands, “the minute I tell you that I care, that I’m sorry, that I do accept you as one of my own, that I never meant for all the hurt I caused—it will become real. Everything becomes real. It becomes real that I caused you so much pain, that I let you down, that I was supposed to be your brother and protect your heart from getting broken, but instead, I went ahead and broke it before any other man ever had the chance to. And once all that sinks in, I’ll be forced to accept it… and I don’t think I could ever live with myself after that, Carmen.”

  Carmen couldn’t recall the last time she’d been rendered speechless but oddly enough, she found it touching, even more so that this was coming from the ice king himself.

  “I…don’t know what to say.” She blinked, a tiny smile tugging at her mouth.

  “Say that you won’t make this easy on me,” he replied, a corner of his lips lifting in something of a smile. “That you’ll make me work towards earning your trust back because I want to deserve it. Rather that than you giving it to me out of that forgiving heart of yours.”

  “Kind of hard when I can’t find it in me to hold anything against you anymore.” Carmen grinned, her first real smile during the whole night.

  “You can’t just forgive me that easily, Carmen.” Hunter sighed, looking troubled. “Or anyone for that matter.”

  “You’re not anyone.” She nudged him with her elbow. “You’re like my—what’s that phrase again?—ah, yes, Achilles’ heel. That’s what you are.”

  Hunter frowned, looking even more unimpressed by the second. “You do know his heel got him killed, right?”

  Carmen blinked at him, furrowing her brows together. “Wait, that phrase actually means something? I thought it was a fancy way of referring to someone’s blind spot or weak point.”

  Hunter snorted loudly, surprising both Carmen and himself with the suddenness of the gesture, causing them to dissolve into laughter.

  Warmth blossomed in her chest at the simplicity of that moment—two people who’d suffered just as much tonight but who had also found a way to make each other laugh.

  “Hey, Hunter?” Carmen spoke into the silence that had fallen amongst them, the ghost of her laughter still lingering in her voice.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you,” she said softly.

  “For?” His forehead creased ever so slightly, never the one to display his emotions to their fullest extent.

  “When I was five, this classmate of mine—I think his name was Ben—used to follow me around all the time and spend every single lunch hour with me. You hated it. You never liked it much when someone took up too much of my attention away from you. And one day, you hid his favourite action figure he always brought to school so that he would waste the entire period looking for it while you finally got to spend that time with me.”

  Hunter’s face flushed and he scratched the back of his neck, suddenly looking like he wanted to be anywhere else. “I forgot about that,” he muttered. “But, yeah, I remember now. I didn’t know that you knew I was the one who hid his toy.”

  Carmen grinned. “Of course I knew. It was such a typical move of yours. You used to be so possessive back when we’re kids.”

  “All right, all right,” he grumbled. “I think I’m more mature than that now.”

  “You are.” She smiled, hesitating briefly before she leant sideways and rested her head on his shoulder.

  Hunter froze for a few seconds and then seemed to relax, allowing a small breath of relief to leave Carmen’s lungs.

  “That’s why I was thanking you,” she mumbled, her eyes drifting shut as the exhaustion of the night caught up with her. “Because I know you’re not Asa’s biggest fan and that you’re finally getting to spend some time with me after all these years. But you didn’t let that territorial nature of yours to stop you from putting my needs first when you offered to call Asa tonight.” She subconsciously snuggled further into his side, a yawn escaping her mouth. “So thank you.”

  She heard Hunter mutter something inaudible under his breath and smiled to herself, the last thing floating through her mind as she surrendered to sleep being the wish that this newfound happiness would last.

  •••

  Breakfast the next morning was tensed.

  Carmen sat on one end of the medium-sized table, and her father on the other, both staring down at their food listlessly.

  Hunter—who had passed out on the other couch last night while he waited for Carmen’s dad to show up after she’d fallen asleep—seemed to either not notice the awkwardness or he was deliberately not acknowledging it.

  Carmen figured it was probably the latter; the boy had an infuriating ability to remain stoic regardless of what the situation was. The earth could split open and he’d still remain unfazed.

  She supposed that was another one of their similarities. Carmen too had a tendency to wear nonchalance so well that it drove Asa insane sometimes.

  The mere thought of him lifted her lips into a soft smile.

  She knew she’d seen him just yesterday, right before she left for the god-awful dinner—but it felt like forever with everything that had happened.

  “Carmen,” her dad finally spoke, making the smile on her face drop and her head snap towards him.

  “Yeah, Dad?” she asked, her words a little rushed because she wasn’t expecting him to say anything.

  “Your phone was ringing when I got home last night,” he said, letting his fork fall back on his plate. “The two of you were completely out of it so you must have not heard the calls, but it was Asa.”

  “Asa?” Carmen furrowed her eyebrows.

  “Yeah, I answered it and let him know you were asleep. I think he might drop in today—he even asked if it was okay with me.” Carmen’s dad smiled at the last bit, seeming pleased, and she held back a smile of her own, making a mental note to congratulate Asa on actually making progress with her father.

  Hunter just snorted at that and rolled his eyes, earning him a kick from Carmen under the table.

  His eyes met hers and he lifted a brow. “Seriously? What are you, eight?”

  “I was going to ask you the same thing,” Carmen said sweetly, before dropping the facade and shooting him a deadpan look. “Behave. Asa’s not even here and you’re already acting like a jerk about it.”

  “Please.” Hunter scoffed. “As if he wouldn’t do the same if the tables were turned. In fact, he probably has a life-sized poster of me in his basement which he uses to practice throwing darts or something.”

  Someone cleared their throat, and both Carmen and Hunter turned to face her father. “I’m going to be up in my room in case you kids need something,” he said awkwardly, obviously wanting to get away from the conversation the other two were having.

  “Sure, Dad.” Carmen smiled, before looking away quickly, finding it difficult to maintain eye contact with him after last night’s events.

  Hunter just nodded, leaning back in his chair and offering her father a single wave of his hand as he walked out of the kitchen.

  “You have a Jonah West-sized chip on your shoulder,” Hunter remarked once Carmen’s father was out of earshot.

  “Shut up,” she mumbled, pushing her plate away. “I can’t believe I told him I didn’t need him.” Carmen shuddered at the memory, recoiling on the inside as her words replayed in her head.

  “Even the great and mighty Carmen West is allowed to make mistakes,” Hunter muttered, yawning as he stretched his arms above his head. “So quit your whining and st
op beating yourself up about it.”

  “You really do have a way with words,” Carmen said distastefully, throwing him an unimpressed look.

  “I don’t sugarcoat.” He shrugged.

  She just hummed in response and let herself drink in the sight right in front of her, wondering if a few weeks ago she’d have allowed herself to believe in the idea of Hunter and her reconnecting.

  Hunter’s palm came crashing down on the table with a loud bang, causing Carmen to jump back in alarm and snap out of the trance she was in.

  “Are you insane?” she hissed, feeling her heartbeat return to its normal rate after that momentary scare.

  “You were staring. It makes me uncomfortable. Your boyfriend did that once while I was looking for something in my locker, and I told him I’d carve his eyes out.”

  “Oh, God.” Carmen pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes for a brief second. “You are insane.”

  “Well, obviously. I totally didn’t tell my father about where I was going to be last night and then I stayed over here—even if that bit was unplanned.” He let out a low whistle. “Hell awaits me once I get back home.”

  “I’m sorry,” Carmen began, frowning. “If—”

  “Shut up,” he snapped. “I don’t want to ever hear you say those two words to me. I’m the last person you need to be apologising to—about anything.”

  “I don’t think anyone else can be nice and rude at the same time the way you can,” she commented seriously, shaking her head.

  Hunter raised both his brows. “You know, Asa also said something along those lines at that party two weeks back. Something about me being the only person who can pull off doing something nice and acting like an asshole at the same time.”

  “For someone who hates Asa so much, you sure do remember the things he does and says.”

  “What can I say? The guy knows how to leave an impression.” As if on instinct, Hunter’s hand reached up to his jaw, rubbing it with a scowl on his face. “Asshole even broke my jaw once. Shithead.”

  “Yeah? What did you do to provoke him?” Carmen scoffed, rolling her eyes good-naturedly.