by Riley Ashby
He put his hand on my shoulder again and squeezed it lightly. It was reassurance not just that we would figure out this situation, but that he forgave me for breaching his trust like this. For letting myself fall in love with her.
“Go to sleep. I’ll come get you in the morning, and we’ll figure this out.”
I didn’t move as he walked softly across the room nor did I flinch when the door latched closed. I squeezed my eyes shut, but it was no use; tears poured down my cheeks with reckless abandon. I cried silently, and when I couldn’t cry anymore, I took the longest shower of my life. I tossed and turned in bed for hours, reliving the look on her face and the sound of her voice as she forgot who I was, then remembered who I was and told me to leave anyway. Finally, around the time the sun began to peek over the horizon and brighten the sky with a new day, I fell asleep.
I rocked myself into oblivion before I even realized that Castel had left the cottage. I pulled the blanket and sheets off the bed, grabbed afghans hidden at the back of my closet, and wrapped myself up so completely that no one would ever be able to touch me again. No one would send me back to that place. I would isolate myself against intruders, any touch whatsoever, and put up a wall a mile thick that no one would get through. I didn’t have to leave the property as long as everyone left me alone here. I would meet no strangers and wouldn’t expose myself to any new opportunities to get hurt. I had everything I needed here, and I was foolish to think I needed anything else.
Footsteps sounded on the floor, then a voice called my name. I curled up inside my cocoon, willing whoever it was to go away. I wanted to be alone. No one else needed to be here. Hands prodded at my shelter, trying to peel back my layers.
“Get off me,” I growled, and the prodding stopped.
“Can you talk to me?”
Hearing Tori calmed me somewhat. Since the day she had come into our lives as my brother’s personal security, she had always been a comforting presence in my life. She wouldn’t touch me if I didn’t want her to. I could count on her for that.
“Is he gone?” My voice was small, swallowed in cotton and down.
“Is who gone?” she asked, and I heard the cautious tone in her voice. She wanted to make sure I knew where I was and who I was talking about.
“Castel,” I whispered.
Silence rolled off her like a wave. She shifted, moving from kneeling to sitting.
“Yes, he’s gone.”
I lifted my head out of the blankets to see her sitting a few feet away. She held out her hands to me, and I shook my head. She waited for a second, arms suspended in air, and then let them fall.
“What happened?”
“He touched me.”
“Did you not want him to?”
I shook my head. “No. I mean, I did want him to.” I’d been so eager to shake off my trauma and try to have a normal sexual relationship, and look at where it landed me.
“What made it go sideways?”
I shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself inside the fabric. “I thought he was Chase. I honestly did, Tori. I saw him; I heard his voice. It was all the same.”
For once, she didn’t have anything to say. No wisdom to offer or joke to crack a smile on my face. There was no ice cream or tea or cheesy popcorn that could help me recover my sensibilities and come back to who I was.
This was it. This was the truth of what had been done to me. I was broken, and not even the boy who had given me his blanket so many years ago could put me back together.
“You know Castel isn’t him. He stopped, right? He came and got me. He ran across the lawn half naked screaming for me because he knew he couldn’t help you right now.”
I pressed my face against the fabric. I tried not to breathe in his scent permeating every fiber. Despite myself, it still comforted me. It was like he was still here without touching me. But I could never let him put his hands on me again.
“It was too much. You were wrong. I’m not strong; I won’t be able to come back from this.” The blanket grew damp beneath my face as the tears leaked from my eyes. I was still mostly naked underneath the blankets. I was as cold as I had been the first night I had to go to sleep in Chase’s house, the first night he raped me. He had ruined this for me now, too. No matter what, my first experience with Castel would always be tainted by this memory. Of thinking he was Chase. Of likening it to rape.
She sighed. “Don’t say that, Vail. You are strong. The fact you even got this far … it’s huge. You pushed your boundaries to the edge, and it turns out the edge was a little closer than you thought. With every try, you’ll push it a little bit further.” Her words were strong, but her voice didn’t convince me. She sounded unsure. Almost defeated.
I shook my head endlessly. “It’s too late.”
I had known that the day Castel and I stood outside the doctor’s office. The first time he kissed me as his taxi pulled into the parking lot to take him away from me. I had tried to tell him that, to explain to him without words that there was no more time for us. It was done. He hadn’t believed me.
He would believe me now.
We were quiet for a long time, and in that empty space, I heard her disappointment. In Castel, for not better anticipating my needs; in herself, for not being able to talk me out of this pit; in me, for giving up. For letting the bad guys win. For not fighting harder.
“Why don’t you get dressed in something comfortable?”
I nodded. Get out of the blankets, dress, then get back in bed under the blankets once more. She would sleep on the floor and keep me safe. I wouldn’t have to worry about intruders or hands on my body where none were welcome. In the morning, I would tell my brother to send him away, and he would. To keep me safe. Tori would bring me my coffee, and we’d leave every light in the house blazing. Turn all the locks and move furniture in front of the door. Anything to keep away those who wished to hurt me, both real and imaginary.
And if I craved strong arms around me in the night … I would remind myself that even the strongest castle couldn’t keep away my memories.
I was nineteen the first time I went to her bed.
Ellery was spending the evening at his fraternity, and new member duties meant he would spend the night rounding up drunk partygoers and making sure they didn’t destroy the house. I had been at the party on a date with a girl from my biology class, but I had gotten too drunk and made an ass out of myself. I vaguely remembered that the girl had purposely set down her drink and walked away from me. Despondent, I had gone to find Ellery, only for him to tell me to leave him the hell alone before I got him in trouble. So I stumbled back across campus to our small set of rooms, sounding our special knock on the door even though it wasn’t necessary anymore. Vail came and opened the door for me. She took one look at my listing frame and frowned with her hands on her hips like she was my mother.
“What’s got you all riled up?” I asked, stumbling into the room, which seemed to be moving all too quickly.
She looked me up and down, then rolled her eyes. “Nothing. Go to bed. Drink a glass of water first.”
I smiled. “Even when you’re mad, you still try to take care of me.” I reached out to poke her nose, but she dodged my finger. Or maybe I missed her face.
“I’m not mad. Go to bed.” She shoved me into my room, already small but positively microscopic with both Ellery and me crammed into it.
I stumbled around the space, yanking off my button-up shirt and pulling on a T-shirt, then peeling off my booze-soaked jeans and changing into loose sweatpants. When I dropped into bed, though, I found I wasn’t tired. The room was moving too much, and I was still worked up from the events of the evening.
Without thinking, I pushed my way out of my room and over to Vail’s. I knocked again and received no answer. Assuming that meant she had somehow fallen into a deep sleep in the few minutes it took me to change my clothes, I barged in and flopped onto the mattress next to her.
“What the hell?!” she exclaimed as I
landed on her arm.
“Sorry,” I muttered, rubbing her shoulder as she shimmied away from me. The bed was so small that we had to lay on our sides, facing each other as we always did. I threw my arm around her, something I hadn’t done since the last time she came to me, and pulled her close. I was too drunk to notice the way she stiffened, then sighed and relaxed. I was happy to be next to her again.
“She hates me.” I put my chin on the top of her head, closing my eyes as I thought back to the look my date had given me as she walked away. The memory was already hazy.
“Who? Kelsey? She doesn’t hate you. You probably just got drunk and made an ass out of yourself like you always do with pretty girls.”
“Do you think I’m an ass?”
Her head moved against my chest; her pillowcase rustled as she shook her head. “I would never think that about you.”
“Thanks, Vail.” I kissed her cheek, and she laughed.
“You smell like Everclear.” She pushed against me but stopped short of moving me. I would have rolled off the bed anyway.
“You’re my best girl.”
“That’s not true.” Her voice was a tiny whisper, and even in my inebriated state, I was struck by the sadness of it.
“What’s on your mind?” I yawned into the pillow, finding myself relaxed now that she was breathing against me.
“Nothing. Go to sleep.” She kissed my cheek in return, and it almost jolted me awake. But I was too far gone; the world finally still enough for me to rest.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still in her bed, and Ellery and Vail were screaming at each other beyond the door. I froze in bed, straining my ears to listen. I could hear everything, and it was splitting my head. I should have listened to Vail when she told me to drink that water.
“What the fuck am I supposed to think, Vail? He’s in your room. In your bed. That’s completely unacceptable.”
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
He was going to kill me. He’d move them out, or I’d have to leave, and that would be it. I’d lose both of them in one fell swoop.
“And I told you, nothing happened. I wasn’t even in there when he came in. He was so disoriented, he didn’t even know where he was. Why did you let him drink so much?”
I froze. She was lying to him, a lot. She was definitely in here when I came in, and I definitely wasn’t that drunk.
She never lied to him. Even when he had confronted her about stealing the alcohol from my dad, she owned up to it instantly. They respected each other too much to keep secrets when the only thing they had in this world was each other.
I had to fix this. I couldn’t be the one to come between them like this.
I got up and stumbled toward the door, nearly falling over my own feet. The world was still spinning. Apparently, my brain never got the message to set it still last night.
A grunt escaped my throat as I fell to one knee on the floor, and the shouting abruptly stopped. It started again a moment later, but this time, it was directed at me.
“Get the fuck out here, Castel!” Sounds of a struggle floated through the door as Ellery tried to barge into the room. I grabbed the door handle and flung it open before they could hurt each other.
Both stopped dead as I lurched forward into the main room. Ellery stared at me, his rage transforming into something I couldn’t even name. I raised my hands in surrender.
“It’s not like that,” I swore at the same time he resumed his tirade. Vail put herself between us as he tried to take a swing at me. I tried to push her away, ready to accept my punishment, but she refused to be moved.
“Ellery, look. My pillow isn’t even on the bed. I fell asleep out here, and he came in so drunk he didn’t know which way was up. He stumbled in there, and I couldn’t get him to move. That’s all it was.”
Ellery ceased struggling for a long moment. I turned to follow his gaze as he looked into the room. Sure enough, her bed was bare. I had been sleeping without even a sheet.
“He knew his way around his clothes well enough. I know that wasn’t what he was wearing at the party.” He sneered at my sweatpants and T-shirt. I frowned.
“Do you not like my PJs?”
Focus. That’s not what we’re talking about.
Too late. He nearly lunged at me again. Vail shoved his chest, hard.
“I brought him his stupid clothes. He was half naked when he came in. I had to collect his shirt from the hallway. Seriously, Ellery, he didn’t know what was going on.” She poked him in the chest. “This is your fault. You should have been looking out for him at that party.”
Ellery still looked skeptical, but at least he wasn’t trying to hit me anymore. “I didn’t think he drank that much. And it’s not my job to babysit him anyway.”
She folded her arms, looking for all her toughness like a child trying to tame a lion. “You would have stopped me if I drank too much. That should go for your friends, too. He could have gotten sick.”
Ellery looked at me again. His rage was slowly transforming to concern.
Holy shit. It’s working.
“Was he really that bad?” He stepped toward me, and she let him this time. “How do you feel now?”
I clapped his shoulder. “I’m okay. She’s exaggerating.”
Vail shot me a glare, and I remembered that this was my defense for crawling into her bed last night. I put my hand over my eyes. “My head does feel like it’s about to fall off, though.”
Ellery sighed and led me to over to the couch, pushing aside Vail’s blanket and pillow. Vail handed me a bottle of water and three ibuprofen. I swallowed them along with half of the bottle.
“Thank you,” I muttered. I really did feel awful.
He sat down beside me with a huff. “You need to be more careful. How would she know you weren’t a creeper if you stumbled in there one night? She could have hurt you.”
I nodded as vigorously as my throbbing head would allow me. “I know. I’m sorry.” I looked up at her. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. She gave me a sad smile.
I had failed in my own efforts to keep us away from each other. Seeking her out while I was drunk was reckless and stupid, and I couldn’t think about why I had done it besides the alcohol I had drunk.
Or maybe it was the seeping loneliness I felt whenever I looked at the girl next to me and remembered it wasn’t her.
*
When I woke up, the sun was blazing through my windows, and I was sweating beneath the blankets. I laid there for a few minutes, not remembering why I was here and not in the cottage before it came rushing back. I pushed my face into my pillow, trying to tamp down the shame and anger that rose like a tsunami to drown me.
Running through every detail of the previous night, I forced myself to look back at every touch and gesture, no matter how sick it made me feel. When had a sigh turned from a sound of pleasure into a plea to stop? At what point had her grip on my hair turned from urging to protest, pushing me away instead of pulling me closer? I licked my lips, remembering the way she tasted. I had thought she was made for me. Was I projecting, forcing her into the mold I had fashioned in my mind after so many years of wanting her without acknowledging it? Was whatever existed between us only a symptom of years of lust that we had been too afraid to act on?
Maybe it was always destined to end this way.
“Get out of bed.” The door slammed open, causing me to start as Ellery stormed into the room. He was back in his normal attire, shoes laced in perfect loops and tie straight even though it was before noon on a weekend.
I swung my feet over the side of the bed and stood as he walked to my closet and literally started throwing clothes at me.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked, catching a shirt midair.
“I’m not letting you wallow in bed all day. You’re not the kind of person who shuts down when something goes wrong. And you’re going to drag me down if I know you’re sitting in here feeling sorry for yoursel
f all day. So get dressed.”
I picked up the socks he had tossed over his shoulder and straightened. “I don’t need you to take care of me.”
He turned to face me, running a hand through his hair as he looked at mine. I reached to flatten it, then stopped. What was the point?
Vail likes it better messy.
Not that that mattered anymore. It wouldn’t matter ever again.
“Honestly, Castel, I’m still resisting the urge to beat you to a pulp right now for the state you left my sister in last night. So if I were you, I’d let me work out this aggression in a healthier way. I meant what I said when I told you that what happened wasn’t your fault. You’re not the same kind of person he is. And she hasn’t been as happy since she got home as she has since you came back and started hanging out with her again. So if you’re going to shut down and run off, I would rather you had never come back at all.”
I tossed the socks on the bed as I pulled the shirt over my shoulders, then stepped into a pair of black trousers.
“I don’t need you to fix this for me.”
“Good. Because I can’t. You need to fix it yourself.”
“And how exactly am I going to do that?”
“Figure it out. You said you didn’t need me. I, however, need you in my office in ten minutes.”
And with that, he strode out, leaving me alone.
I frowned. Why did he want me in his office? I couldn’t believe he wanted to see me at all, but here he was, comforting me and trying to pull me back into the real world when all I wanted to do was sulk in my own misery.
I dressed as hurriedly as I could, pausing only to choose a tie. I needed to be on his good side for now, and that meant adhering to the dress code. I would help him with whatever he needed, and then I would go. He would even charter the plane if I asked him to. I had been away from work too long—if I even still had a job. Other people needed me, and I had other responsibilities to uphold. This little foray into thinking I could have a personal life was over.