by Riley Ashby
I straightened my tie before knocking on his office door, then walked in without waiting for an answer. He wasn’t even looking at me. He held out a small pink notebook while he stared at his computer.
“If you tell her I have this or that I showed it to you, I will ruin you.”
“What is it?” I asked, walking closer. I knew already, though. I had watched her write in it nearly every day for the three years we had lived together.
Vail’s diary.
I sank into the chair in front of his desk, not touching the book. He sighed and let it fall to his desk with a bang.
“How do you have it?”
“I ransacked her room after she was first taken, looking for anything I might have missed. She doesn’t keep a diary anymore, but she still had this tucked away in her closet.”
“And you read it?”
“What do you think?”
I swallowed hard. “What does it say?”
He finally took his eyes off the computer, folding his hands in front of him as if he were barely containing his patience. “You should read it and find out.”
I shook my head. No way. I had already taken enough from her. I wasn’t about to steal her secrets, too. “I can’t do that.”
“You can and you will because I’m ordering you to as a member of my staff.”
“You don’t pay me anymore,” I reminded him.
He pulled out his wallet and threw a handful of fifties at me. “There. You’re my employee for the next three hours. Read. It.”
Still, I refused to reach out and even so much as touch the notebook. “It’s not my place.”
He slammed his head into his hands, pulling at his hair. “Castel, I wouldn’t tell you to read it if I didn’t think it was necessary. Can you trust me on this?”
I stared at the notebook, warring internally. It was a violation to read her private thoughts like this. I had been tempted over the years to pick it up, watching as she added pages when she ran out and noting where she hid it whenever I came back into the room. But I had never gone so far as to think I was entitled to her innermost thoughts.
And truly, I knew Ellery felt the same. He didn’t want to invade his sister’s privacy. So if he was telling me to read it … there must be a reason.
Glaring at him, I snatched the book and walked over to the window. I could see the cottage from here, and when I noted slight movement at the door, I eagerly sat up, but it was just Tori opening the door for Sophie.
I should be there. I ought to be the one helping her through this. But I was stuck here because she didn’t want anything to do with me. This was my only link to her now.
I opened the book.
She wrote about the first night she slept with me and how much it calmed her, and how from then on, if she was feeling anxious when I wasn’t around, she would lie on my bed with her head on my pillow. How she fought so hard to keep me from trimming the branches on that tree that was always scraping the window because she had watched the birds building their nest and wanted to surprise me with the babies in springtime. About how afraid she was the night Ellery caught me passed out drunk in her bed that he would kick me out and we would never get to lie together like that ever again. How even when I was drunk and mumbling about another girl, she had been so relieved that I had come back to her.
All these memories, I had thought they were unique to me. Little moments I had mulled over again and again, analyzing every aspect and trying to determine where I went too far and when I could have leaned in a little closer. She saw them all as clearly as I did. She saw me as clearly as I saw her.
And woven in with these memories of the two of us together, unspoken in words but so evident in the way she wrote, was the pain it caused her. The sadness when I drew away or went on a date with another girl. The anger she felt when I brushed her off or didn’t make it back from the library in time to watch Grey’s Anatomy. The pain of watching me grow and move on without her while she struggled to find a foothold in the world she’d been shoehorned into out of necessity. It was hard on all of us, living three in such a small space and mixed gender at that, but it was so much harder when you thought the person you liked didn’t see you at all.
I closed the book and dropped it on the chessboard. The pieces tumbled to the floor, ruining our game, but I paid no mind. I was done with the old ways. The painful memories of purposely ignoring her when I thought she was getting too close or the way she smiled at her project partner when I ran into her—no, when I went looking for her—at the library her freshman year. The year she moved out. The year I stopped getting to see her every day. I had been so lonely without her to talk to that I changed my study schedule to match hers. But she made new friends, people her own age, and I thought she didn’t want me. The diary revealed the opposite—she thought I wanted space from her after so many years of living in close quarters. So she pulled away, met new people, and talked to other boys. Because she thought I wanted her to leave me alone.
And her memories … memories without me that threatened to tear us apart because I took off. During her final three years without me around, we barely stayed in touch because I was so busy. We had grown apart by then, but it was still too much for her. Painful flashbacks that rocked her to the core no matter how much she tried to shake them off.
The most damning was when she came to see me in Virginia.
She had mentioned moving out East in casual conversation, but I had refused to sway her one way or the other. I would have felt too guilty taking her away from her brother. No matter how badly I wanted her near me, it had to be her decision. I thought she’d decided not to come, and I’d moped about it for weeks. I was convinced everything between us had been in my head. But it turned out that she had come out after all, intending to surprise me. She had packed up her apartment and put her furniture in storage, enrolled in a nursing program out East, and was looking for jobs. She didn’t look for housing because she thought we’d live together. That was, until she showed up at my apartment unannounced and saw me kissing a short redhead on her way out my door.
That girl hadn’t been anything but a fling, but how could Vail know she meant nothing to me? Beyond that, why would she want to see me, knowing I had been seeing other girls? We weren’t in a relationship by any means, but the trust between us had shattered the moment she realized I wasn’t as dedicated to her as she was to me. She had waited for me until it was safe for us to be together, and I hadn’t done the same.
Her fear and distrust weren’t just from last night. I had to apologize for what she’d seen … and for not trusting in us sooner.
It was time for the future.
No more looking back.
For either of us.
I awoke to the smell of pancakes and bacon. Far from making me hungry, the scent made my stomach roil. I was in no mood to get out of bed. I wouldn’t beg for my food. If he wanted me to eat, he would have to give it to me freely.
A haze cleared from my mind, and I blinked back into reality. I saw my phone on the nightstand, flashing awake with text messages arriving in a flurry. I wasn’t at Chase’s house. I was at the cottage. At home. Safe, except for what had happened last night. Except for what Castel did.
He didn’t do anything.
I shook the thought away. This had to be his fault. There was no other way for me to recover than to be able to punish someone who was here in front of me and not thousands of miles away.
I picked up my phone. There were multiple messages from Sophie and Tori, beckoning me downstairs.
Tori: Food.
Sophie: Lots of food.
Tori: Seriously. Come eat this. Sophie won’t even look at the bacon.
Sophie: You’re lucky I’m not getting sick everywhere. I told you there was vegan bacon, but *you* won’t make it.
Tori: Well, I’m not going to eat all this myself.
Sophie: I’m gonna make the vegan bacon.
Tori: She made me make vegan pancakes. Do you know
what a flax egg is? Sounds fake.
Sophie: You saw me make it. You know it’s not fake. And they taste just fine.
Tori: Idk. Still looked pretty fake.
I brushed the sleep from my eyes as I replied.
Me: Are you guys seriously sitting down there texting each other at the same table?
Tori: She wakes!
Sophie: Truer miracles have never occurred.
Tori: But will she be tempted downstairs by *shudder* vegan pancakes?
I stood tentatively, scrunching my toes into the rug beneath my bed, noticing the grains of the wood floor that stretched beyond its border. It was true, I was home, and an old friend and a new one sat downstairs, making me food. I could eat whatever I want. Even shower first if I wanted to. Put on clothes that I chose and not worry about anyone tearing them off.
Anyone.
I wrapped my arms around my chest as I shuffled to my wardrobe. My breasts—that was what had set me off. He had moved his hands to the clasp of my bra and paused, seeking my permission. And I nodded. I wanted him to take it off. I wanted to show him everything. I had been going mad with desire; I wanted to feel his hands on me. Everywhere. But when his thumb grazed my nipple…
I drew my own fingers over my chest now, trying to see what it felt like. I had touched myself like this before and not panicked. It was making me so angry that I couldn’t trust my own reactions to his touches. I thought I was okay. I had been making progress; I wasn’t as afraid of the dark anymore, and I didn’t shy away from touches. But then that touch had been far too much.
It wasn’t fair.
My hands landed on a full coverage bra, quickly followed by a long-sleeved shirt. Damn the heat; I wasn’t planning on going outside anyway. Looking around for last night’s clothes, I saw my bra in the corner of the room, making my face flush with shame. I scooped it up by the strap, trying to touch as little of it as possible, and buried it beneath the crumpled tissues in my wastebasket.
I had expected fanfare when I went downstairs, based on the enthusiasm of their texts, but Sophie and Tori smiled at me sweetly. Bella was sitting on Sophie’s lap, eagerly sniffing at the food on the table, she but began yipping excitedly when she saw me. I gave her a little scratch on the head before sitting at the table.
“Vegan bacon is complete,” Sophie said, but Tori pushed her plate out of the way.
“She doesn’t want that crap. Here, have the real bacon.” She waved another plate in my direction. Sophie rolled her eyes.
“More for me,” she said, holding the plate close.
I smiled. “Why are you always waving food at me? And I’ll try the vegan bacon. I’m not a picky eater like you.”
Tori feigned offense with a hand to her chest. “I am not a picky eater. I just know what I like.”
“And refuse to even look at anything else,” I said, sitting down. I took one piece of the vegan bacon, squinting at it suspiciously.
“Here.” Sophie dumped a pile of maple syrup-smothered pancakes on my plate. “You’ll need the rest of the week to digest these, but Sundays are for feasting.”
I didn’t disagree as I cut off a slice of the huge stack and shoveled it in my mouth. They were delicious and completely saturated with the sugar from the syrup. I groaned a little as I swallowed. “This is just what I needed.”
“Food is always a good idea,” Sophie said, shoveling in her own bite.
Tori looked thoughtful. “These taste just like normal pancakes.”
“I told you they would.” Sophie rolled her eyes so hard I worried she pulled a muscle.
We ate in silence for a few minutes, but I was anxious because I knew they were going to talk. I had wondered why Sophie didn’t show up last night, but I was glad she was here now, though I knew they would be pushing me to discuss what happened. They would want to talk about what had set me off, how I was feeling, and how we could keep it from happening again. I didn’t want to hash that over with them. I wanted to pretend everything was fine.
“I thought Ellery was going to rape me once,” she said quietly. Tori and I both jerked our heads toward her. A fork clattered onto the table, and I could feel the horrified expression on my own face. Traitorous thoughts raced through my own head. My own brother was one of those men?
“It wasn’t anything he did.” She took another bite and chewed slowly to buy herself more time before speaking again. “It was at that art gallery opening we went to a few weeks ago. A man I didn’t know squeezed my ass when we were introduced, and then Ellery touched my waist a few minutes later. I didn’t know it was him; I hadn’t even seen him approach me. I thought it was that man again.” She took a deep breath and looked up at us. I made a conscious effort to close my mouth and tried to look politely interested.
“He pulled me away from the crowd to show me this painting he was thinking of buying. We were alone in a side room, and his hand was on my waist, but my heart was in overdrive. All I could think about was getting away from him. And he hadn’t done anything.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?” Tori demanded.
Sophie looked over at me, and our eyes met. We both knew why she hadn’t said anything. Because it would have made him feel like an asshole for no reason. She would have had to explain to him that someone had assaulted her right under his nose. He would have torn the party apart to find that man and beat him to a bloody pulp when all she wanted to do was forget about it.
“Never mind, stupid question,” Tori muttered and shoved a huge bite of pancakes into her mouth.
“It’s different for you,” I said, focusing on my own plate. I sympathized with her, but it was nowhere close to what I had experienced. There was no way she could apply reactions to her own experiences to my life.
“I know that.” Thank God, she didn’t argue. “But I think that whatever you have with Castel is still salvageable. You’ve been through far worse than anything I’ve experienced and still come out standing. It wouldn’t be fair for this to be what breaks you. I don’t believe the universe would work that way.”
I pushed away my plate, suddenly full. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I didn’t give one shit about what “the universe” did or did not intend for me. I had never believed in fate except when it came to Cas. Yet last night had shown me how foolish I was to ever believe in anything at all.
She nodded, snapping off a piece of her bacon and holding it out for Bella.
“If you ever want to…”
I nodded, not bothering to hide my exasperation. “I know. You’re available blah, blah, blah.”
Tori frowned at me, but I didn’t care that I was being rude. I wanted to forget this, and she knew that better than anyone. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to go back to a world where Castel Austen had never existed.
It would be a long way to go back because I hadn’t been without him in so long. Even in those years when we lost touch—me busy with school and him trying to get a foothold at work—we always found a way to update each other about what was going on. He knew when I failed a test that could have derailed my entire semester and personally researched online resources to help me get back up to speed when I was falling behind. He called me the night he couldn’t stop crying after meeting the child sex trafficking victim, unable to do anything but think about the dead look in her eyes as he carried her out of a rat- and lice-infested crack house where her mother had let strange men have their way with her in exchange for drugs. He’d been ready to quit right then, board a plane back to LA, and go to work at his father’s company like he had been expected to.
I was the one who convinced him to stay.
I sat up at the realization. Shit, I owed him an apology. How could I have been so cruel to him for running off to chase his dream? I knew how much it meant to me. And as I thought about it, I remembered the times he’d asked me to join him. I’d insisted on staying here because I didn’t want to leave my brother. And I’d worked to make him feel guilty for it when the whole time,
I was the one who had been afraid to reach out.
But how could I apologize when I didn’t even want to look at him again?
I jerked as a soft touch glided over my fingertips. Sophie was looking up at me hesitantly, pulling my hand into one of hers. I reached up with my free hand to wipe away the tears that had appeared unbidden on my cheeks.
“I don’t want him to leave. I don’t hate him. I just don’t know how to be with him when I’m like this.”
Sophie’s hand was warm in mine. “You’ll figure it out together. You always have. Weren’t things good with him for a while? I mean, once he stopped being an ass?”
Tori snorted. “He’s still an ass.”
I shook my head. They didn’t understand. “It’s too late. It’s been too late for a long time.”
As I walked across the lawn with my head hung, Tori came out of the cottage. I didn’t know what to say, had no idea how to go about fixing this, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. Ellery was right. I couldn’t walk away from her now, not after I’d already left her twice before. So I gathered my courage, swallowed my fear, and prepared to try to talk to her.
“You can’t go in,” Tori said, stopping me before I could even open my mouth.
I floundered. “I need to talk to her.”
“I agree,” she said, frowning, “but she doesn’t want to see you. It was all we could do to convince her to get out of bed. She’s going to shut down again if you go in there right now.”
I roughed up my hair the way she liked it. “I can’t leave things like this. I didn’t even get to apologize.”
“I’ll tell her. But you can’t talk to her.”
I frowned. I barely knew Tori. She had joined Ellery’s team after I left, and we had only met on the handful of occasions I had come home from the East Coast. I wasn’t about to let her keep us apart at this critical juncture.
“I’m going in there,” I growled, pushing past her. Let her try to stop me.