My Alien Roommate

by Tracy Lauren

  Yeah, I tell myself. Everything will be fine. Time will give us both perspective and then I can help him solve that little problem of finding a women to fall in love with and marry in the next 28 days. I ignore the anxiety in my gut and step out of my room. Dorran’s not in the kitchen…must still be in bed. I hope he isn’t too broken up about my rejection.

  I open the bathroom door, eager for a shower to wash away all the nagging cobwebs in my mind and am flustered when I walk in on a freshly showered Dorran, brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. A freshly showered and butt naked Dorran. He freezes, mid-brush, his eyes wide and locked onto mine in the mirror.

  Not even a millisecond passes as I rush to cover my eyes and back out of the bathroom. “Oops! Sorry, sorry, sorry!”

  I pull the door shut. Oh my God… I touch my face—it’s hot with embarrassment. I’m probably beet red—

  Red? Red? Or…bright, fucking purple?

  I contemplate the confusing mental image in my head. I know what I saw but…I mean, that’s impossible. When I looked at Dorran he was definitely not the same vibrant purple as his eyes. He couldn’t have been. Yet, he was. And for the sake of my sanity, I need to double check.

  I swing the door back open, consternation written on my face. Have I lost my mind? But Dorran has ducked behind the shower curtain and it’s still rustling from the movement.

  “Dorran?”

  “I am…indecent,” he tells me, echoing Mrs. Doherty’s words from yesterday morning. Of course, yesterday morning he wasn’t purple.

  “Let me see you.”

  “I think that might be inappropriate, Carly. I am nude at the moment.”

  “Stick your hand out.”

  “…No.”

  “Your face.”

  “I would rather not.”

  I squint to see through the practically opaque white shower curtain. Even like this I can see purple. My mind is racing. I need to know what the fuck weird thing is going on with Dorran. I reach up toward the curtain, but drop my hand. I can’t just swing it open, can I?

  “Oh fuck it,” I mutter. I rip the damn thing open.

  The curtain glides across the metal rod. The sound might as well be as powerful as a clap of thunder for all that it echoes in my ears. And then, Dorran is standing there in front of me, butt ass naked in the shower, but more importantly—completely purple. From head to…

  “AGH!” I scream, jumping back when my eyes land on his cock. Or should I say cocks. As in motherfucking plural.

  His hands shoot over his piece-s. A vain effort to block the business he has going on down there.

  “Dorran? What the fuck?” I gasp.

  “I can explain,” he starts. “But Carly, please, please, please do not be frightened.”

  “Oh shit, should I be frightened? I was stuck on shock right now—but should I be scared?” I’m hyperventilating. Dorran hurries to step out of the shower, slipping slightly and catching himself—and letting his cocks swing free.

  I grab a towel and toss it to him. “Start talking!”

  “Okay! Okay… Don’t you think we should sit down first?”

  “Now, Dorran! Tell me what this is now!”

  “Okay! I…I am not from here.”

  “That’s information I already know!” I point out.

  “No…I mean I’m not from Santa Barbara. I’m not from this country. Or any country on this planet.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “It may be hard to believe Carly, but I…I am an alien.”

  My mouth moves but nothing comes out. I can’t make words…my head shakes dumbly from side to side, refuting Dorran’s words.

  “I told you that I came from very far, yes?”

  “Yes…”

  “Well, I meant very, very far.”

  I try to fit what he’s telling me into a safe, normal little box. “You’re an illegal alien?”

  Dorran’s face drops. “I tell you time and again that I am not a criminal!”

  “No, this is a language barrier thing. I mean…you are from Earth. Just from a different country,” I try to assert.

  “I am from a different planet,” Dorran maintains.

  “I’m sorry, that’s not possible.”

  Dorran looks at me to say, come on, you’ve got the big naked evidence right here before you.

  “It’s body paint.”

  Dorran looks down at his chest. “Touch me.”

  I swallow a knot in my throat and inch forward. Reaching my fingertips up, I glance at Dorran’s eyes. Purple eyes. Then, I let my fingers trace his collar bones. He’s slightly damp from the shower, but my touch doesn’t smear any body paint. I look at my fingers, rubbing them together. There’s nothing. I frown, still not believing any of this.

  I push past Dorran and turn on the shower. “Get in,” I insist.

  “I am telling the truth, Carly.”

  I pick up my loofa and shove it into his hands. “Prove it.”

  My purple roomie gives me a smile and drops his towel. My eyes shoot up to the ceiling.

  “What would you like me to do?”

  I take a deep breath and venture a look at him. He’s standing under the stream of water; it’s flowing down the muscled planes of his body. Down his broad chest, down his corded abs, all over his…double barrels. They twitch under my assessment. I gasp again and meet Dorran’s eyes. He’s smirking at me.

  I point at the soap. “Wash.”

  He gives a dutiful nod and adds soap to the loofa. I stare with narrow-eyed scrutiny as he scrubs his chest and arms. He’s vigorous, and yet still, nothing washes off. He gives me a shrug when he sees the confusion on my face building.

  “If aliens existed we’d know.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Well, if they were advanced enough to travel here, wouldn’t they conquer this place?”

  “That would be criminal now, wouldn’t it? Besides, all manners of alien races visit Earth quite frequently.”

  “Why?” I gape.

  “Vacations? I first came to Earth as a youth with my parents,” Dorran shrugs. “And…while I don’t mean to frighten you…criminals do venture here, but not to wage war. They steal humans for the black market, probably more frequently than interstellar law enforcement would like to admit.”

  His words hit me like a Mack truck. “I need to sit down,” I say, but I can’t get my feet to move.

  Dorran hurries to shut off the shower. “Do not worry, Carly, I would never let such a thing happen to you.”

  “Oh my God…” I stare at Dorran from head to toe, taking in the natural dappling on his purple skin. It’s a perfect match to his purple eyes. “This is insane. I can’t believe it. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

  “I can show you my ship. Hells, I can take you into orbit if you like.”

  I feel the color drain from my face. Turning, I stumble out into the living room. Behind me I can hear Dorran fumbling with a towel as he tries to catch up to me.

  “I imagine this is quite a shock.”

  “Understatement of a lifetime.” I drop down onto the couch and hang my head between my knees as I try to catch my breath. “I can’t tell anyone, can I?”

  “I would recommend against it.”

  Obviously. Everyone would think I’m insane and if any authorities did believe me they’d lock Dorran up in an instant. And, alien or not, he’s not a bad guy. He doesn’t deserve that.

  “If you’re opposed to helping me, Carly, I can leave…”

  I pop my head up. “Is all that other stuff you told me true?”

  “My origin is the only thing I had not been upfront about,” he confirms. “I hope you can forgive the fact that I intentionally mislead you on that matter.”

  “Well, I can understand why.” The shock is abating and I take Dorran in with fresh eyes. Damn it, he’s actually even more gorgeous like this and I blush to remember what he’s packing…because Dorran is double barreled. How the hell is that even supposed to work?r />
  “Okay, so you need to find a wife before the end of the month?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around everything—and feeling like I’m handling it pretty damn well considering the gravity of the situation. I mean, I have a fucking alien in my apartment.

  “That is correct.”

  “And it has to be a human wife because…”

  Dorran grows a darker shade of purple and averts his eyes, rubbing at his neck. It makes the muscles all down his chest shift and ripple. I swallow heavily. Why isn’t he wearing his pajamas or his robe, I wonder, tugging at my collar.

  “I became infatuated with humans when I came here years ago. I don’t know, I always felt like my fate was here.”

  “So, let’s say you find a mate. Are you’re going to…abduct this woman?”

  Dorran looks aghast. “Are you asking if I would kidnap a female and take her to my world against her will? If I would force her to marry me against her will?”

  I wave away my misstep, squeezing my eyes shut. “No. No. Sorry, still just trying to absorb things. I know better. You wouldn’t do that. Okay, let’s say you find a girl, you start dating, you fall in love…”

  “Yes?”

  “Then you tell her you’re an alien and she can’t deal. She backs out and doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

  “That is certainly a risk I am taking.”

  I rise to pace the room. “This is serious, Dorran.”

  “No one knows that better than I,” he says morosely.

  “This is your happiness, and this other chick Tereza’s too. If you fail…”

  “If I fail, I will be consigning both of us to a loveless marriage for the rest of our lives.”

  I tug at my hair, feeling like I might start hyperventilating again. I’ve got this kind alien in my living room. One who wants to fall in love and have a happily ever after. Back home he’s got some women counting on him to succeed. Their entire lives depend on it. And I’m the only one here to help.

  “No more dicking around, Dorran. Tonight—no, this afternoon, we get serious about finding a girl for you.”

  Dorran nods solemnly.

  “Okay, I have to get ready. We can talk about this when I get home.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I have a subbing job at the school today, I’m going to be teaching seventh grade math.”

  Dorran jumps up, his towel barely clinging onto his hips. “That is excellent news, Carly, you must be very happy!”

  “It’s just a subbing gig for the day,” I explain. “I try to take on as many as I can to keep up my reputation at the school.”

  “Surely your reputation is impeccable. They will want to hire you on.”

  “It’s tough in Santa Barbara, Dorran. These teaching jobs have such longevity. You basically have to wait for someone to retire, then you go up against a few hundred people fighting for that one spot.”

  “Sounds very competitive.”

  “It is, and I hate competition.”

  Dorran gives me a soft look. “Get ready for work, Carly. I will make you breakfast.”

  I raise my brow. “I thought you only knew how to make soup?”

  “I will try my hand at making a human dish if it means you will get to your job at the school on time.”

  “Thanks, Dorran,” I say, letting my eyes linger on his body. An honest-to-goodness alien… I tear away and head toward the bathroom. Just as I’m about to shut myself in, the doorbell rings.

  “I’ll get it,” Dorran calls.

  I nearly jump through the door like the God damn Kool-Aid man. “Get in your room!” I hiss, dragging him back and tossing him into his room. I scramble for the door, and Lord help me, it’s Mrs. Doherty.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Doherty, how are you today?” I plaster a fake smile on my face and even I can hear that my voice is far too shrill to be considered normal.

  “I was just stopping by to deliver this reading material,” she tells me, her face in a sour pinch.

  I look down at the pamphlets in her hands. One has the word abstinence written across the front and another looks suspiciously anti-LBGTQ.

  “I am not a lesbian, Mrs. Doherty,” I insist, crossing my arms over my chest and refusing to take the “reading material.” She’s busy trying to look past me to get a view of the inside of the apartment. Looking for signs of debauchery, no doubt. I pull the door tighter, so she can’t see inside, and she scowls at me before shuffling the pamphlets in her hands, extracting the ones meant specifically for a too gay neighbor, but pointedly leaving the ones for the neighbors who are too slutty.

  “You might still find these useful.”

  “Mrs. Doherty, it is 6:35 in the morning, the laundry room isn’t even open yet.”

  “You know what they say?” She feigns a smile. “No rest for the wicked.”

  “And who exactly is wicked in this scenario, you or me?”

  “This reading material should clear that question up for you.”

  “You’ll have to excuse me, Mrs. Doherty, I’ve got to be getting ready for work.” And as politely as I can, I shut the door in the old hag’s face.

  Any other day of the week I would make every attempt to be cordial to the woman. But today I just found out that aliens exist and I excuse myself from the social constraints of being kind to one’s elders on a day my apartment is invaded by a purple man from outer space.

  Dorran pokes his head out of his room, still wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. “Is she gone?”

  “Oh, for goodness sake, put a robe on!” I bark, hurrying into the bathroom. At this rate I’ll be late for sure, and it isn’t like I can tell the principal that aliens and a nosy neighbor are to blame.

  Chapter 21

  Carly

  I’m hardly able to concentrate throughout the day. Part of me keeps thinking I’m going to get home and Dorran will confess this is all some elaborate practical joke. But no matter how many times I try to assure myself that’s the case, I can’t unsee what I saw this morning. Not the purple skin and certainly not the double duty penis he has hanging between his legs.

  Time passes excruciatingly slowly and I already have my things packed and ready to go before the final bell. Then, I’m hightailing it back home. I had a chance to think today…or stew in my anxiety. Same thing, right?

  Bottom line? Dorran is an alien. That’s all there is to it. But our agreement still stands. He gave me nine grand to pay three months’ rent in exchange for my guidance. And, to be honest, I believe in his cause. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be forced into an arranged marriage with someone you knew could never love you. Dorran’s happiness, for the rest of his life, is counting on this. So, alien or not, he’s my friend. And I am the only friend he has here on Earth. He needs my help.

  I burst in the front door, my eyes catching on the mailbox, where Mrs. Doherty not so subtly stuffed all her pamphlets into the slot. I snatch them out of the box, wanting to shove them down her nosy old throat. “Dorran!” I bellow into the empty front room.

  Not more than a second later he emerges from his bedroom looking worried by my tone.

  “Is something wrong?” he asks. He’s human colored again and I can’t help but frown. I don’t like that he has to wear a disguise to hide who he is. I mean, he definitely should wear a disguise, but it still seems like a shame.

  “Yes, something’s wrong. Mrs. Doherty is an empty-headed loon and you need a wife.”

  “I do not wish to mate with Mrs. Doherty,” Dorran states very seriously and I’d laugh if all this didn’t feel so dire.

  “That wasn’t what I was aiming at, but fair enough,” I tell him. “We need to get on this.”

  “On what?”

  “The hunt. We’re getting you a wife. Today. Or a date at the very least.” I stride close to Dorran, assessing him with intense scrutiny. “Have you brushed your teeth?” I reach up and muss his hair until it has that sexy bed-head look to it.

  “I have.”<
br />
  I frown at his tee-shirt. “Go put on a collared one.”

  “Am I going somewhere?”

  “Yeah, we’re picking up girls at a coffee shop.’

  “We?”

  “Well, more specifically—you. But I’m your wingman.”

  Dorran gives me a befuddled look.

  “I’m going to be helping. Now go change.”

  Five minutes later I’m shoving an oddly reluctant Dorran out the front door.

  “This has been a mentally exhausting day, perhaps we should stay in?” Dorran suggests.

  “Are you crazy? We can’t procrastinate when it comes to your future, Dorran.”

  My alien roommate nods, but his expression is more solemn than it is determined.

  “Don’t worry, Dorran, we’re going to do this.”

  He gives me a tight smile and mutters something close to gratitude. Before we get to the coffeeshop I stop Dorran and force his attention to the outdoor seating.

  “See that table by the door? That’s where you’re going to sit, with an empty chair across from you. Anytime someone comes out, they will have to walk right past you.”

  “Where are you going to sit?”

  “The table behind the empty seat, so I can give you instructions or tips if you need them.”

  Dorran nods, looking unsure.

  “You probably won’t need any help though, Dorran. You’re a great-looking guy. Women are going to be drawn to you naturally,” I promise, but my alien roommate harrumphs like he doesn’t quite believe me.

  “Come on, no time for a pep talk. Let’s find you a wife.”

  From there, I practically drag Dorran to the coffee shop. We go to the counter and order beverages, but at this point they’re just props. We aren’t here for the coffee, we’re here to snag a date for Dorran.

  “Just make eye contact, smile, say hello—everything else will come easily after that.” Dorran is like a magnet for beautiful women. I bet we can get a few numbers before the day’s through. The tough part will be finding the right girl. One who doesn’t mind an alien boyfriend. Maybe we should be looking at the new age crowd, I think briefly, dropping into a seat at the table beyond Dorran’s.