The Melody of Silence: Crescendo

by LP Tvorik

  “Alex, just tell me—”

  “We’re done talking,” she said, hammering her point home by throwing herself at me, tackling me to the ground.

  We landed in a mess of limbs at the edge of the island, cold water licking at the back of my head and the nape of my neck. Alex straddled my waist, her hands tangled in my shirt as she bent down, pulling the protest straight from my lungs with a kiss that had me seeing sound and tasting color.

  Again, my body took over. Something about being tackled off my feet flipped a switch inside me and instinct rose up, demanding that I find my way to a position of advantage. I rolled, pinning her beneath me without breaking the kiss, and she made no effort to stop me. The only sign she gave of awareness was the feel of her hands, which let go of the front of my shirt and found their way to the hem, tugging restlessly until I sat up enough for her to tug it up and off.

  Cool, fall air brushed across my skin as Alex tossed my shirt away. I pushed my hands into the rocky ground, staring down at her. She lay pliant beneath me, her hair drifting and swirling in the water of the stream.

  “Don’t think,” she whispered, reaching between us, working at the clasp of my belt and unzipping my jeans “Please just don’t think.”

  I almost disobeyed. There was something about the desperation in her voice that set off alarm bells in my head. I opened my mouth to ask her what was wrong, but all that came out was a groan, as she chose that moment to slip her hand down the front of my boxers.

  “Fuck,” I gasped, dropping down to my forearms and capturing her lips with mine, trying to distract myself from the sensation of her small fingers milking me of every last shred of resolve. “Alex,” I breathed against her mouth. “You can’t—”

  “Shut up,” she whispered, and when I tried again to protest, she bit my lip. Hard. “I told you to stop thinking.”

  The wrongness was hovering, mixing its steps into our dance, tripping us up, singing a discordant, arrhythmic song that made my heart stutter and stole the breath from my lungs. I was a slave to its pull, following the whitewater current as it bashed me about until I couldn’t have told you which direction was up.

  I could hardly breathe as I pulled back, gently tugging her hand away.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Alex hissed, sitting up as I stumbled to my feet. “I’m trying to give you my fucking virginity, Nate. Do you want it or not?”

  “Of course I want it,” I hissed back, fumbling in my pocket for my wallet. My fingers shook so hard I struggled to pull the foil wrapper from its place, nestled in the lining. “You wanna be a teen mom?”

  My jeans went the way of my shirt, and I tossed my wallet on top of them. I found my shirt in a heap a few feet away and shook the sand out of it before spreading it over the rock. Alex was still sitting on the ground when I turned around and tugged her to her feet, my other hand still clenched around the wrapped condom. I kissed her so deeply her back arched, her soft body melding against the surface of my chest. Her hands were like twin brands, burning into the skin of my back as we drank each other in.

  “You’re sure?” I asked, pulling back. Tears streamed down her face and the slithering, dissonant hum of wrongness crescendoed.

  “I’m sure,” she whispered, nodding, and suddenly I was at war with myself. My hands lifted her up, carrying her to the rock, completely at odds with my mind which screamed at me to stop— stop, before I committed some terrible, irreversible wrong. Then her legs tightened around me, and my body throbbed with a fierce need that battled back my heart, which burrowed, trembling and wary, into my chest.

  Stop, stop, stop!!! The voice in the back of my mind screamed the words at me as I tugged on her ankle until she loosened her hold, letting me step back, appreciating every inch of her perfect body. My fingers shook as I reached out and brushed sand off her belly and thighs. Her muscles tensed beneath my touch, and her chest rose and fell jerkily as she fought to stifle her sobs.

  “Alex…” I couldn’t find my words. I felt trapped— caught between two horrible futures. In one future, I walked away. I put my clothes on and left her alone, just like everyone else had done. I couldn’t stomach that thought. In the second future, I took what she was offering and, for the rest of her life, she would think back to the night she lost her virginity and remember nothing but pain and tears. Frustration and anger.

  “Just shut up,” Alex moaned, pushing herself back on the rock. She braced her feet to either side of me and let her legs fall open. I damn near passed out at the sight, but at the same time she let her head drop back against the rock, staring up at the sky as if begging the stars for guidance.

  “Alex just tell me truth,” I choked, leaning over her, blocking her view of the sky. Since the night I met her and she had begun teaching me the constellations, Alex had embodied the stars for me—brilliant and unattainable. Just this once, I wanted to be the same for her.

  Her eyes met mine and, in an instant, the wrongness evaporated. We fell back into the smooth steps of our dance and the music rang clear. Tears matted her eyelashes together and trickled over her temples. Her hands, suddenly gentle, came up to frame my face.

  “I want you,” she whispered, and I could hear the truth in her voice. Her words weren’t stern or angry or desperate. They were deeply, achingly lonely. “Please, Nate. Don’t leave me alone. I just want you.”

  “Okay,” I managed, bending to press a kiss to her lips. She closed her eyes with a shuddering sigh, and I kissed her eyelids, too, tasting the salt of her tears. I kissed the bridge of her nose and the curve of each cheekbone. My clumsy tongue wasn’t capable of sweet words, so I worshipped her with my lips, because she had to know. She had to know that I wasn’t taking. She was giving and she needed to feel the gratitude that coursed through my veins.

  “Please,” she moaned, arching her hips against me, and I reached between us, slipping two fingers between her legs. She gasped as my fingers slid deeper. She was slick and warm… ready.

  I groaned, grabbing her hand and guiding it between her legs. She seemed to read my mind, taking over for me as I eased my fingers out of her. She touched herself, her heels digging into the back of my thighs as I pushed away just far enough to shove my boxers down and grab the condom off the rock by her hip.

  I tore the wrapper open with my teeth and made quick work of rolling the condom on, my eyes locked on her face as her own squeezed shut in pleasure as she kept herself ready.

  I hated the condom. I’d never minded them before, but this was Alex. For some reason, it felt like blasphemy to deprive either of us of even those scant nanometers of contact.

  I pushed Alex’s hand aside, smothering her moan with a kiss as I took over for her. “You gotta look at me, angel,” I whispered, stilling my fingers until she opened her eyes, glaring at me. “Are you absolutely sure?” I asked, reaching between us and guiding myself into place, nudging against her so she knew exactly what I was asking.

  There wasn’t even a second of hesitation. Her hands gripped my hips, digging in painfully. Her lips parted and fiery eyes met mine, glassy with need. “Yes,” she said, her voice hoarse. “Yes.”

  I didn’t think it was possible to love her more, but the second I entered her I learned what love really meant. She gasped and cried out, contracting around me, and I fell. I fell so fucking hard I forgot my own name. I fell and spent the rest of my life waiting to hit the ground.

  Chapter twevle

  alex

  I expected the pain. I’d read about it, so the aching pressure didn’t surprise me, nor did the sudden, awful tearing sensation. I cried out, digging my nails into his skin, but I wasn’t surprised.

  What really took me aback was the slow burn in my chest. It had started in the moments before he pushed inside me— when I met his eye for the first time that night and saw, not animalistic lust, but pain and love. The burn only grew as my body opened up wi
th that terrible ripping pain. Fresh tears rose up in my eyes, but Nate’s shaking fingers pushed the hair back from my face and soft kisses landed on my temples, soaking up the tears.

  “Okay?” he asked breathlessly, and I nodded, the burn in my chest growing to a roaring fire. It melted the ice inside me like a blowtorch and all of a sudden every pain and worry that I’d stifled and preserved in waking death came back to me at once. I cried. Not silent tears, anymore, but heaving, gasping sobs.

  “Al, what’s the matter?” Nate asked, and I felt him pulling back, sliding out of me. My limbs acted on their own, legs locking around his hips, hands gripping his back.

  “Don’t stop,” I gasped. Overwhelmed. I opened my eyes and blinked away tears, letting him see the truth in my eyes. “Please keep going. I need…” What did I need? I needed this. I needed him. “I need to feel alive, Nate. Please.”

  Strain twisted his features, making him look much older than we were. He hesitated, jaw clenched so tight I was surprised I couldn’t hear his teeth cracking.

  “Please,” I said again, letting my body take over. I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, but I let the muscles inside me clench around him, and the tension on his face fell away, replaced by something akin to rapture. He bit out a groan and dropped his head, stealing a kiss from my lips.

  “Stop that, Al,” he breathed.

  “But it feels good,” I whispered back, truthfully. I did it again, and small fireworks of aching pleasure burst deep inside me.

  “Fuck,” Nate choked. “Stop it, Alex. You’re killing me.”

  “Then kill me back,” I moaned, frustrated.

  Would you believe me if I told you we came at the same time? Would you even believe me if I told you I came at all? That’s not normal, right? A girl’s first time is just a technicality. It’s a thing that has to happen to prepare her body for the real adventure.

  I guess I attribute our success to Nate’s infuriating fear of hurting me. My body had time to get used to him before he started moving. I had time to learn what those muscles inside me could do and how my use of them affected both of us.

  Nate moved like a machine— slowly at first, then faster, responding automatically as I tightened and released around him. That was all I got from him that first time, though— movement. I got no loving words, no eye contact, no attention. He braced himself on his forearms and buried his face in the crook of my neck, breath hot and irregular on my skin. I asked him, later, what his problem was, and he admitted that the second he pushed inside me it took everything he had— every ounce of energy and concentration— not to explode like a ‘two pump chump.’

  I, of course, found a way to be his opposite. He was stiff and mechanical and restrained, and I cut loose. I was alive, for the first time in months. Stars exploded behind my eyes and my body writhed and bucked beneath his weight. Those clever inner muscles of mine pulled him deeper inside me until I felt perfectly, wonderfully full and complete. His every movement tore a whimper of pure relief from my lips, pounding home that sense of wholeness until there was no more room for it inside me.

  I laughed a little as I came. I watched the stars, and my laugh turned to a primal scream as every muscle in my body escaped my control. The gritty surface of the rock abraded my skin, but the pain fed the fire of my pleasure, withering and dissolving into the flames. My hips rose to meet his as I threw my head back and arched off the rock, tears of bliss streaming down my face.

  The colors exploding in my eyes faded, my muscles relaxed, and I collapsed against the rock. Nate was still moving inside me, and aftershocks of agonizing pleasure rose within me in response to his thrusts. I shuddered with each one, counting four before he grew suddenly and extremely still. His muscles shook and a growl rumbled, low in his throat. Where my orgasm was a white-capped wave of pleasure, his seemed to be more of a sudden release of pressure. One second he was shifting tension, the next he was near deadweight on top of me, barely able to support himself on shaking arms to hold his body off of me.

  We stayed that way for I-don’t-know-how-long. Me, sprawled on the rock. Him, bent over me, still buried inside me. When he finally spoke, he didn’t lift his face, and I struggled to make out the muffled words.

  “You okay?” he mumbled.

  “Yeah,” I whispered, smoothing gentle fingers over the indentations my nails had left in his skin. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  He nodded against me. Then, after a bracing breath, he slowly straightened, pulling out of me. His departure left me feeling cold and empty, fresh air sweeping over my sweat-coated skin. I felt alive, but now that the distraction of his presence was gone, all the hurt that had thawed in the fire hit me full force.

  I wept. Sprawled on the rock, naked as the day I was born, I scrubbed my hands over my face and sobbed. Distantly, I heard splashing as Nate cleaned up in the stream, and the sound of cloth on skin as he slipped back into his jeans. Then his hands were on me, gentle but firm, pulling me to my feet.

  I stood, swaying, tears dripping into the sand by my feet, listening to the gentle splashing sound as he rinsed his blood-stained t-shirt in the creek. The cloth was icy and rough as he used it to clean the sticky combination of blood and arousal from my legs. He dunked the shirt a few more times in the creek, scrubbing it clean, before ringing it out and spreading it on the rock to dry.

  All I could do was cry and comply as he helped me back into my clothes, with the exception of my bra which had washed away. When he took me in his arms and sank down beside the rock, I followed him willingly. I curled up in his lap and pressed my face into his shoulder and cried until I was empty.

  I felt hollowed out when the tears finally stopped, and I must have drifted into sleep for a few minutes, because the gentle jostling of Nate’s arms brought me startling back to wakefulness.

  “We gotta get you home, soon, Al,” he whispered in my ear, but I didn’t want to move. I tipped my head back so I could see his face.

  “I’m sorry I…” how could I even describe what had happened? I’m sorry I gave up? I’m sorry I forgot myself? I’m sorry I froze? “I’m sorry I left,” I said, finally, hoping he’d understand. Or, rather, knowing he would understand and hoping he would hear how much I loved him for that alone.

  “You’re back now,” he said softly, trailing a finger down the bridge of my nose. There was a hint of question in the statement. A hint of fear.

  “I’m back,” I affirmed, snuggling deeper into him.

  Of course, coming back hadn’t been my intent. My intent was to seduce him, use him, and send him packing with the one thing I thought he wanted. I hadn’t expected the desperate fight to make him take what I was offering, or the bonfire our coupling had ignited in my chest. I’d set out to free him so I could die in peace. Instead, he’d brought me back to life and we were more inextricably bound than ever before.

  “You need to get home, Al,” he said reluctantly, holding up his watch to show me. “It’s almost five.”

  It was, indeed. Which meant I must have slept for hours, not minutes.

  We found our feet, and Nate pulled on his still-damp t-shirt. The woods were almost perfectly silent. Those minutes just before dawn belong to rebels, defying the rules of nature and society. The nocturnal animals sense the coming sun and scamper off to bed. The daytime animals slumber on, waiting for dawn. Even the wind goes still and the air settles close to the ground, misty and thick.

  Those minutes were just ours. We belonged to neither the night nor the day, but to each other. We abided by no rules beyond the sacred, unstated truth of us. I grasped Nate’s hand and strode through the misty air, my heart beating strong in my chest, my blood coursing with newfound strength and energy. Sadness dogged my footsteps, as it would for the rest of time, but it no longer controlled me. I’d domesticated my grief— tamed it so that it slouched behind me, weak and defeated, snapping futilely at my heels.

 
; We stopped at the treeline and stood in perfect silence, watching fog drift over the pristine expanse of my neighborhood’s back yard. Swings hung silent and unmoving in their chains, and three houses down a light was on in the kitchen— some early morning jogger having a bite to eat and waiting for the sun to rise.

  Nate’s fingers twitched in mine, and he turned toward me, cupping my cheek in his free hand. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. He just studied my face, like he could read our future in the curve of my lips and the bloodshot whites of my eyes.

  “Please don’t go away again,” he said finally, his voice barely more than a breath of air. “I can’t…” he broke off, shaking his head and lowering his gaze to the dirt beneath our feet. When he raised his face, there was frantic desperation in his eyes. He pulled his hand from mine and framed my face. “You’re the only good thing, Alex,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t lose you.”

  There was terrible truth in his words, fear in his eyes, and a swift undercurrent of pain in his voice. He’d been my unflappable pillar of strength and support since the day I turned twelve. It scared me to see him wavering, just as it thrilled me to know I was the one who’d set the earth to trembling beneath his feet.

  “You won’t,” I said firmly, stepping into him, offering comfort and absorbing it at the same time. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, squeezing tight, like I’d dissolve into the air if he let go. “I won’t leave again,” I said, my hold on him just as tight and just as desperate. “I promise I won’t leave again.”

  It wasn’t the first or the last time I lied to him, but it was the most significant lie I ever told. The one that would come back, again and again, to haunt us both. Even if I’d known, though, how many times it would hurt us, I’d still have said it, because the really important part was the one that came next. The one that I kept to myself.

  Even if I do leave, I vowed to the stars, I’ll always come back.

  That was the truth.