The Melody of Silence: Crescendo

by LP Tvorik

  It was like someone flipped a switch. The fire went out, his fists unclenched, and he didn’t offer any resistance as Deb pulled him to his feet, dragging him away from his victims with a hand around his wrist.

  “If any of you go to the cops about this,” she hissed, glaring at Lance and Isaac, who were struggling to sit up, then at me, “I will tell them you tried to rape me.”

  “You’re a lying slut,” Lance said, and Nate lunged, held back only by Deb, who placed herself between the two like some kind of perverse force field. Her hands were on his chest, and I wasn’t even jealous. His lips were drawn back in a snarl, his expression so fierce I barely recognized him.

  “I might be a slut,” she said over her shoulder as she marched Nate away from the carnage he had caused, Lance and Isaac still sitting on the sidewalk with blood-streaked faces. “But I don’t make empty threats, and you don’t want to test me on this.”

  The fight had carried us ten feet from where Nate had parked his truck. They were halfway to it, Deb dragging Nate by the wrist, before he planted his feet, pulled free, and marched back to where I still stood. My body was still frozen as my mind struggled to process everything that had happened.

  “I’m driving you home,” Nate growled, reaching towards me, and I flinched away. I no longer recognized him. This wasn’t my boy. This wasn’t the man with whom I wanted to raise children and grow old. What little trust I still had in him dissolved in the face of his uncontrollable violence. For the first time, I feared him as much everyone thought I was supposed to.

  His hand dropped to his side like I’d burned him and his eyes went hard as granite, but he didn’t turn away.

  “I’m not leaving you here, Al,” he said, jerking his head toward the truck. “Either come with me or I’m walking you home.”

  Isaac and Lance were weaving unsteadily as they helped each other stand. As much as I feared Nate, I feared them more. Plus, Deb would be there. She could sit in the middle—a barrier between us.

  Feeling utterly powerless, I turned and followed the stranger to his truck.

  Chapter nineteen

  nate

  “What the hell were you thinking?” Deb hissed as I leaned out the window to check for passing cars and pulled back onto the street. Alex sat scrunched against the passenger door, hugging her backpack to her middle and staring out the window.

  “Leave it alone,” I snapped at Deb, probing at my lip with my tongue. I’d bit it when Isaac’s weight slammed me into the ground. That was my only injury aside from the requisite bloody knuckles.

  “Fuck you,” Deb hissed. “You just put us all at risk. What do you think happens if you go to jail?”

  “Shut the fuck up, Deb,” I growled, glancing over at Alex. She was still staring out the window, but I knew she was thinking about me. I knew she was terrified. I could feel her scrutiny and fear down to the marrow of my bones. I knew what she was thinking because it was exactly what I wanted her to think. She was asking herself who in the hell I was. If she even knew me. If I was too dangerous to be around. If I was some kind of monster who couldn’t control his anger.

  All those years, I’d hid this part of myself from her because I’d known what would happen when she learned the truth. She’d be repulsed, she’d run, and I’d never had the strength to let that happen. Alex was an open door in a dark room, and when she left she’d pull that door shut behind her and I’d have nothing left but the darkness. I’d been a coward and an idiot, letting her light up my life and exposing her to darkness that had no business touching her.

  That was why I’d finally let her see it. She had to leave. I didn’t deserve the light. People like me can’t just waltz into heaven. We have to do penance. Mine wasn’t even near to complete, but that hadn’t stopped me from pouncing at that open door and the light spilling through it. I’d stepped into heaven, and when the universe came to collect my entrance fee, it wasn’t me who paid it.

  It was Deb.

  On Friday night, I’d gone on a date I couldn’t afford with a girl I didn’t deserve, while Deb got high on pills. I ate more than my share of food while Deb’s boyfriend drank more than his share of beer. I’d laughed more than I thought possible while, somewhere across town, Deb’s boyfriend dumped her because he was too drunk to get it up and it was easier to blame her.

  Then I’d driven out to the lake while Deb stumbled back to Tim and Marsha’s house.

  I’d tasted heaven while she curled up on her bed and tried not to listen to the sound of Tim drunk-fucking his wife.

  I’d listened to the sweet sound of Alex screaming my name while Deb screamed my name too— screamed my name and hammered on the wall that joined our bedrooms, begging me for help while she clawed and bit and punched and made every futile effort to stop Tim from forcing himself on her.

  Then, for hours, I’d slept like a baby, safe and content, while Tim pulled himself out and stumbled off to bed. While Deb curled up on her mattress and cried, unable to move, too scared and humiliated and shocked to pick up a phone and call for help.

  I’d done that. My world was dark and ugly and filled with innocent people, like Deb, who didn’t deserve to be there. Protecting them was my job— my only hope at redemption— and my negligence had cost Deb what little innocence she had left.

  Alex thought I was cheating on her. I wasn’t. I would never sleep with Deb. I loved her, but she was a sister to me. A charge. Everything about her screamed ‘fuck me’ to the world, but all I ever saw in her was a scared little girl who needed protection.

  In a sense, though, that was worse. I’d die before cheating on Alex, but what had happened to Deb made me realize that I had to choose: the kids or Alex; redemption or happiness. I wanted Alex. I needed her like I needed air to breathe. But I couldn’t turn my back on the kids, and I couldn’t have both.

  Alex deserved someone who was all there. Someone with whom a regular date was the rule, not the exception. Someone who didn’t keep half of himself locked away from her out of necessity. Somebody who, when all was said and done, could join her on the gold-paved roads of heaven instead of abandoning her to rot for his sins in hell.

  It took me two weeks to talk myself into letting her go. No, not letting her go—driving her away. Two weeks to work up the fortitude to accept a future without her. Two weeks to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t be both the brother Deb needed and the boyfriend Alex deserved. It was one or the other, and the sad truth was that Alex would survive without me.

  Deb wouldn’t.

  I had a whole break-up speech planned, and merely reciting it in the mirror had taken rusty sawblades to my insides. I planned to lie to her, one last time. “I’m with Deb. I’m sorry. I loved you but I don’t anymore.”

  Call me a coward, but I’d been relieved when Lance and Isaac had given me an easier out. Why put the weight of another lie on my soul when I could just show Alex the truth and let her do the dirty work for me.

  So I let her see the real me— violent and cruel and mean, and as I drove her home I felt a weary sense of satisfaction. Alex was too smart to stick with me after that display. She’d dump me so I wouldn’t have to do it. She’d get on with her life. She’d pull the door shut behind her and leave me where I fucking belonged.

  It was exactly what I wanted. It was the right thing to do. Which is why it was so strange that, the closer we came to her house, the more agitated I became. It was like an off-key note, screaming in my ears, louder and louder, multiplying into a chorus of dissonance that had me wincing.

  The sense of wrongness grew to nauseating levels when I pulled into Alex’s drive and shifted into park.

  “Thank you for the ride,” Alex said woodenly, fumbling to push the door open and slipping out of the car. She was painfully composed, pushing the door shut instead of slamming it. She met my eye through the open window, ignoring the heat of Deb’s sideways glar
e. “You don’t, um…” she broke off and crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at the ground. “I think maybe we shouldn’t… I don’t want…”

  “Just spit it out,” Deb snapped, resting a possessive hand on my thigh and gripping so tight I felt the bite of her nails.

  Alex flinched and nodded jerkily, raising glassy eyes to mine. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” she said quickly. “I’m… I’m done. I can’t do this.”

  Those words were what I expected. They were what I wanted—for her to say them so I wouldn’t have to.

  But how could I have known the way they’d hit me? For six years, I had taken her for granted. All those years, all those homes, all those fights, and I’d assumed I’d survived them because I was strong.

  It had nothing to do with strength, and everything to do with the fact I’d had somewhere to go. I’d had the quiet noise of the woods, and the cool water of the creek, and the breadth of the stars, and a girl who held my hand and brought me food and loved me even when I gave her nothing.

  Before I could stop myself, I was shoving my own door open and throwing myself out of the truck, jogging around the engine block and chasing her across the lawn. My mind wanted to let her go, but my heart wouldn’t let it happen. My soul knew better than I did that I wouldn’t survive without her. She was it—the only good thing—and my selfish fear of losing her won out over my desire to set her free. Disgusted at my own weakness, I circled around her and placed myself between her and the house, effectively stopping her progress. I didn’t dare reach out and touch her. Watching her flinch away again would kill me.

  “Alex, wait,” I gasped, breathing like I’d just run a race. It was like my mind’s resistance to my soul’s desperate striving for her had sucked the energy right out of my body. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.

  “What do you want, Nate?” Alex asked, her composure cracking slightly. Her face was stern, but her eyes were bleeding heartbreak that burned me like acid.

  “Please don’t go,” I begged, trying to keep up with the words that spilled out of my mouth and barely managing to stop the ones that so desperately wanted to follow. Please don’t go. I don’t know what to do. I need help.

  My convictions and self-damnation crumbled under the force of her pain. Of my pain. I had to explain. I respected Deb’s need for privacy, and my life was almost too humiliating to put to words, but Alex needed to know. If I was going to break her heart, and condemn myself to a life without her, I’d do it with the truth. The full truth. I couldn’t send her out into the world alone without making sure she knew exactly how much I loved her. It wouldn’t be fair. And what if there was a chance she’d still want me? We’d find a way. Maybe I could pay off my debt without living in hell. Maybe I could look out for the kids and do right by Deb without bailing on Alex. If there was a way, she would help me find it.

  “You’ve had two weeks’ worth of chances,” she said, taking a step back. I felt a desperate urge to drop to my knees and plead, but I just stood there, rooted to the ground, as tears sprang into her eyes. “I can’t do it anymore, Nate.”

  I can’t either. “I know.” I shook my head. Of course I knew I didn’t deserve another chance, but this was Alex. She’d always been better to me than I deserved. “I know I fucked up. I’ll tell you everything. I’ll explain it all. Just give me one more chance. Please, angel.” Please, help. I need help. “I…” my own voice cracked and I ground my teeth together, fighting for a brand of strength I’d never had. I sucked in a deep breath and squared my shoulders and met the sharp distrust in her eyes. “I need help, Alex. Please…”

  I watched her resolve falter. Her lips trembled and a single tear broke loose and tracked down her cheek. It took everything I had not to reach out and brush it away. She drew a shuddering breath and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Fine,” she said, her voice hard. It wasn’t hard like steel, though. It was hard like plaster, cracking and flaking away, unable to mask the technicolor pain that lay beneath it. “Explain.”

  I almost did. Right there, standing in the lawn. But it wasn’t the time or place. We needed time, and privacy. Over her shoulder, I saw Deb scowling at us from the open window of my truck.

  “Meet me at the spot tonight,” I said, the words spilling out in a frantic rush as I watched frustration and resignation rise on her face. “I swear I’ll tell you everything. Everything. It’s just… not the way you think, but some of it’s got to do with Deb, and it’s a really long story. We need time and we need to be alone. Please meet me at the spot.”

  I saw the hesitation on her face. More importantly, I saw the fear. Now that she finally knew what I was, she was scared to be alone with me. That hit me like a one-two combo to the gut. My feet moved, carrying me backwards.

  “I can come here if you’re more comfortable with that,” I said, struggling to talk around the pain in my chest. “After your dad and Tom turn in. That way if… if you feel uncomfortable there’s other people around.”

  Alex steeled herself, raising her chin and clenching her jaw. So brave. So perfect. “I’ll meet you at the spot,” she said. “But this is it, Nate. If you don’t… I can’t keep doing this.”

  It was a miracle she’d stuck with me for as long as she had, considering the dishonesty. The secrecy. She wasn’t stupid. She must have noticed I’d evaded all her questions. It must have hurt her, all those nights throughout the years when I hadn’t showed up at the spot and hadn’t given her shit by way of explanation. But she’d stuck around. Trusted me even when I didn’t deserve it.

  “I know,” I said, nodding as I backed away. I had to escape before she changed her mind. “I’ll be there. Thank you, angel. I love you.”

  She didn’t say it back, but I didn’t need to hear it. I heard it loud and clear when she agreed to meet me. Alex loved me, I loved her, and I had one more chance to prove it. I couldn’t squander it. If protecting the kids was my job, Alex was the home I came back to after doing it. If I didn’t have her, there was no point to redemption. Without her and the light she gave me, I wouldn’t be alone in the dark. I would become it.

  ‥ ‥ ‥

  Deb didn’t speak to me all evening. I think she knew what I was planning to do. When we got home, she marched off to the bedroom I shared with Ronnie and threw herself down on the unclaimed third bed, turning her back to the room. The girls’ bedroom was just a formality by that point. Deb couldn’t bear to be in there, and Trish— although ignorant of the cause— fed on Deb’s anxiety and refused to spend time there as well.

  So, every evening, the four of us would pack ourselves into that one little bedroom and distract ourselves from whatever was happening beyond the door. We played shitty board games and told stories and listened to music on Ronnie’s thrift-store boombox. I’d bought it for him for Christmas the year before. In true Ronnie fashion, he’d called it a piece of shit, bitched that it didn’t have a CD player, and then proceeded to treat the damn thing like a priceless ancient artifact. None of us were allowed to touch it, and he put more love and attention into cleaning and maintaining it than most people put into caring for their children.

  At around six, Trish and I tiptoed to the kitchen to make dinner while Deb and Ronnie stayed behind. We’d long since figured out that traveling in smaller groups meant less noise and presence, which in turn meant less likelihood that Tim and Marsha would take notice of us.

  Our ‘parents’ were in the living room, yelling at some pre-recorded baseball game. They were distracted, but not yet drunk enough for their awareness to fade, so I tried to make a game of avoiding their attention. When Trish dropped a butter knife on the ground, I hid my cringe and nudged her in the shoulder.

  “That’s one point for me!” I whispered, pressing my finger to my lips. She grimaced dramatically, displaying two missing baby teeth, and nodded.

  When the plates clattered as I p
ulled them from the cupboard, she grinned at me in triumph and held up one finger.

  By the time we made it back to the bedroom with four hastily-prepared turkey sandwiches, Trish had three points and I was still at one.

  “I win!” I sing-songed, nudging the door shut with my heel.

  “It’s no fair!” she complained, sitting on the edge of my bed and taking a sloppy bite of her sandwich. “You’re bigger.”

  “Yeah, that should make me louder, silly,” I teased, sitting by Ronnie and prodding his hip until he tossed his magazine aside and sat up, accepting the plate I handed him. “I think you’re just clumsy.”

  Trish spat out her tongue at me, and I faked disgust at the lump of half-chewed sandwich in her mouth. Deb’s disgust was real enough. “Shut your mouth while you’re chewing,” she scolded half-heartedly. Her shoulders were slumped and she stared with disinterest at the untouched sandwich on her plate. She wasn’t eating enough, rapidly shedding pounds she couldn’t afford to lose.

  I’d always thought there must be some kind of limit for how much a person could worry. I imagined at some point you just ran out of brainpower and couldn’t fit any more items on the list of shit that stressed you out.

  I was out of brainpower, though, and the list just kept growing. Tim’s predation. Alex’s heartbreak. Deb’s deterioration. Trish’s perilous innocence. Ronnie’s distance. Money. Food. Assholes at school creeping on my girl. Said girl’s imminent departure for college. My looming exit from the foster care system. The question of how to look after the kids after I aged out and couldn’t live with them anymore. Deb’s refusal to go to a doctor after Tim raped her. My own culpability in allowing it to happen….

  Earlier that day, Mrs. Parker had pulled me aside after class and told me she was concerned. “You haven’t been turning in your homework,” she had said, brow furrowed. “You’ve been doing so well, Nathan. You owe it to yourself to see this through.”