Stained Hearts

by Parker Williams

  “Please, Tom. Just a few minutes?” He turned his attention to me. “Please?”

  “Okay. I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me.”

  He gave a tight smile. “Thank you.”

  It felt wrong closing the door behind me, but I did what he wanted. I returned to the bed and sank down onto it, waiting for him to call out. After fifteen minutes, I got worried. I went over and tapped at the door.

  “Aiden?” He didn’t answer right away, so I knocked a bit harder. “Aiden?”

  The door opened, and he sat there, his pants pulled back up. He wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Livvy’s coming to get me.”

  I knelt down beside him. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

  He worried his lower lip. “Would you help me get outside, please? I’ll need the chair too.”

  “If that’s really what you want.” I reached out and took his hand. “But I don’t think it is. Can I tell you what I think is going on?”

  “I’d rather just—”

  “You’re embarrassed because you had to ask me for help. After telling me you wanted to be seen as an adult, you needed me to get you into the bathroom. Am I right?”

  A nearly imperceptible nod.

  “I get why you’re upset. It’s hard to let people see you when you’re vulnerable. You spend your whole life trying to be strong, to show the world you can care for yourself, and in a flash, you realize that sometimes you have to ask for help, and it chafes.” I reached out and put my hand atop his. “I’ll help you get ready to go home, but you need to know that I like it when people need me. It makes me feel good to help out, and I absolutely don’t mind. Whether it’s to use the bathroom or just to snuggle against me on the couch. I won’t ever see you as weak, and I don’t want you to see yourself that way either.”

  His sad expression slipped into anger as he jerked his hand away. “How can you be so goddamn calm about this? Fuck, this is one step away from asking you to change my shitty diapers.”

  “If you wore diapers and needed me to change them, I would.” I stroked his cheek. “Sweetheart, if the roles were reversed, would you want me to feel bad because I needed to depend on you? Would you hold it against me or think I was weak or broken?”

  “No.” Again, his voice was too soft. “But….”

  “But what? Talk to me.”

  The doorbell rang. I stood and picked Aiden up, just like I had last night, but now he stiffened. I hated that he saw himself as broken. I put him down on the bed.

  “I’m going to go answer the door. Be right back.”

  Once I got downstairs, I took a deep, calming breath, then pulled the door open. Olivia stood there, glaring at me.

  “Nice to see you too.” I stepped back and made a sweeping gesture with my arm. “Come on in.”

  She came into the house, closing the door behind her. “Tell me what happened.”

  I’d expected her to be angry, maybe yell, but though I could see she was upset, I got the impression it wasn’t with me.

  “He needed me to help him get to the bathroom.”

  “Oh.” The anger bled away. “Can we have some coffee? I think the three of us need to have a talk.”

  “Coffee sounds good.”

  I got up and headed for the kitchen with Olivia following me. She grinned when she saw me take the grounds from the refrigerator and measure them out.

  “No pods for you, huh?”

  “Nope. They’re messy and bad for the environment.” I filled the pot with water, then poured it into the reservoir. Once it was bubbling away, I turned and leaned against the counter, my arms crossed over my chest. “What’s going on?”

  She shook her head. “This has to be all of us. I’m not going to talk about Aiden without him being here.”

  I admired her for that. “Okay, let me go get him.”

  Before I did, though, I went to the car and brought in his chair so he’d have a little mobility and not have to feel bad when I carried him. I parked it at the bottom of the stairs, then went up to get Aiden.

  He sat staring out the window. “She’s here?”

  “Yeah. She wants to talk to us.”

  He gave a weary sigh. “I just want to go home.”

  “After Olivia has her say, you’re welcome to go if you want. For now, come on.”

  I went to him and picked him up. He slumped, like he had no energy to argue anymore. I took him down the stairs, then put him in his chair. He immediately reached for the wheels.

  “She’s in the kitchen. C’mon.”

  He followed behind me. When Olivia saw him, she smiled. She’d already gotten herself a cup of coffee and put one out for Aiden.

  “I wasn’t sure how you took yours, otherwise I’d have poured you one too.”

  “I think I’m going to need black this morning.”

  “Okay, good. Grab a cup, cop a squat, and let’s get this all out in the open.”

  Aiden opened his mouth, but Olivia held up a hand.

  “No, you don’t get to talk now. You called me, in tears, telling me you needed me to come and get you. I won’t deny I was scared, but when I get here, what do I find? You freaking out because Tom saw you at less than your best.” She pierced Aiden with a cold stare. “Does that sound about right?”

  “But, Livvy—”

  She slammed a hand down on the table, causing the coffee to slosh out of the cup. “Shut up, Aiden.” She stood and glared down at him. “You need to make up your mind right now. Do you want to be an adult, with all the problems that comes with it, or do you want to be the scared kid who’s too afraid of people seeing him with all his warts and scars to venture out into the grown-up world? You can’t have one foot in both places and think you can shift from one to the other. That’s not fair to you, to Tom, or to me. So what’s it going to be?”

  And I think she and I held our breath as we waited for Aiden to answer.

  Chapter Eleven

  THERE WERE no sounds in the kitchen, beyond Olivia and me sipping our coffee and the cups being put back on the table. Aiden sat like a stone, his thin lips pressed together, his eyes crinkled. Finally I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

  “Aiden—”

  “No.”

  My gaze shot to Olivia, who sat there glaring at me. “Excuse me?”

  “Can we talk in the other room?” Without waiting for an answer, she got up and strode out the door.

  I leaned in close to Aiden. “Think she’s going to ground me?”

  He didn’t say or do anything.

  I ground my teeth, angry with myself for not knowing what to do to make things better. I went out into the living room and found Olivia looking at the water feature. Without turning around, she spoke her mind.

  “Whatever you’re thinking about saying to him, don’t. I’ve been quiet about this for way too long. Aiden claims he wants to be independent, but then he calls me when he needs help. He doesn’t seem to see that’s not the freedom he’s looking for, because he knows he’s always got a safety net in me.” She sighed, and turned to face me. “It’s going to kill me, but I have to let him fall this time.”

  “What? Why would you—?”

  Her lip quivered, much like Aiden’s did when he was upset. “Don’t you get it? I want him to live a happy and full life, just like he wants. But when things start to get hard for him, he comes running to me for a pep talk. If you get involved with him, that’ll become your job.”

  I didn’t have a problem with that.

  “And don’t give me that look.”

  I startled when she put a hand on my chest and gave a light push.

  “You want to protect him, just like I do, but we can’t. He’s a big boy, and he’s going to have to take some dings along the way, or he’s never going to earn the freedom he wants.”

  That ran contrary to everything I knew. I never learned how to let go, because I always thought I needed to protect my family.

  “Not sure I can do that.” I rubbed the back of my neck
. “I’m not even sure I want to.”

  “Then he’s never going to grow.”

  That made no sense at all. “But what he went through with your parents, his legs—hasn’t he already had enough to deal with?”

  She blew out a breath. “Look, what my family did to him sucks hairy donkey balls, and I’m never going to deny that. But he ran to me, and I coddled him. His legs? He thinks things are bad now, but what happens in the future? Maybe they’ll find a way to make them better, or maybe they’ll get worse. You see how he is now. He has to learn to accept help when it’s offered, but also to stand on his own proverbial feet.”

  God, she made so much sense to me. “So what do you suggest?”

  She shrugged. “I’m leaving, so you’ll have to figure it out.”

  Wait. What? “What do you mean, you’re leaving?”

  “As he reminded me earlier tonight, he’s not a kid, and I have to stop treating him like one. He called and was crying on the phone. I seriously thought something bad had happened. I get here and find out he’s ashamed for needing you to help him to the bathroom. That’s not life or death, and it’s something the two of you need to deal with if you’re going to have any kind of relationship at all.”

  Now that I understood. “Thanks, Olivia.”

  She grinned. “You can call me Livvy, too, if you want.” When she enfolded me in her arms, I let her take comfort. “I’m trusting you with him.”

  “I won’t hurt him.”

  She pulled back and stared me in the eye. “Yeah, you will. We’re human, and we all do it. But you’ll also be there to pick up the pieces, I’m sure.” She turned and meandered to the door, stopping to check out the house. “You’ve got a beautiful place. Good luck. If you need me, give a call.”

  And with that, she opened the door and stepped outside. Her words echoed in my head as I headed back into the kitchen. Aiden hadn’t moved from where he’d been when we left.

  “Is she ready?”

  “Olivia’s already gone home.”

  His head snapped up. “What?” He put his hands on the wheels of the chair and started toward the door. “Why would she leave me?”

  “Because you scared her. You made her fearful, and all because you were embarrassed that you needed help.” I blocked his way. “You said you wanted to be treated normally, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to impart on you the greatest wisdom my father ever gave me. Now, I want you to listen carefully, okay?”

  He didn’t reply, but I could see his chest heaving and his death grip on the wheels.

  “Aiden, will you listen?”

  “Yes.”

  It was terse and to the point, and that was fine. I knelt down in front of him, reached out, and took his hands. “Here you go. ‘Grow the fuck up.’”

  He reared back. “What?”

  I got up and went to the refrigerator. I opened the door and pulled out things for breakfast. A package of bacon, some eggs, and a bit of cheese went onto the counter, then I opened the door beneath and pulled out some potatoes to fry hash browns. As I set to work making omelets for us, I kept up a stream of conversation.

  “You’re upset because you needed help in the bathroom. What was the most embarrassing for you? Me seeing your dick? I mean, when we get around to sex, I’m pretty sure that’s going to be in my mouth. Or was it your ass? Because I promise you, my cock is going to be up there. In fact, it’s probably going to make a nest, because it’s a sure bet it’ll be returning all the time.” I cracked the eggs in a bowl and set to mixing them. “You told me you were an adult, so why not start acting like it?”

  God, I hated how harsh I sounded.

  “Fuck you! You don’t know what it’s like, always having to depend on people to help you do basic shit.”

  I whirled around. “Yet you keep making them feel like crap when they do help. Olivia was scared to death something happened to you, but even after you were rude to her on the phone, she still came. Why? Because she loves your cranky ass. And even though she said she was going to leave because you needed the reality check, I’m certain if you called and said you needed her, she’d be here in a heartbeat for you. That’s the thing about family, Aiden. We’re always going to be there for you, so stop trying to fucking push us away when things get tough. Why not try to lean on us instead? Take our strength for yourself? Yes, you needed me earlier, and you know what? You’re the only one who had a problem with it. Your poor-me attitude is growing pretty thin.”

  His jaw worked back and forth as he ground his teeth together. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

  Okay, I could see why Olivia was tired of his attitude. I stomped over to him and glared down. “Who do you think put Brian on the toilet? Who do you think wiped his ass when he was done? Who fed him when he was too weak to do it himself? After his chemo, who cleaned him up when the diarrhea got bad? Don’t you dare sit there and tell me I don’t know what it’s like, because I’ve already lived through it. The big difference here? You’re not dying. You’re acting like a stubborn brat who’s too goddamned afraid to let people in because some haven’t always been nice to you.”

  His cheeks went scarlet. He gripped the wheels of the chair and rolled out into the living room. I wasn’t going to chase after him. Instead, I went back to fixing breakfast and prayed that I hadn’t just fucked everything up between us.

  I WAS plating the food when the squeak of wheels on the hardwood floor caught my attention. He was behind me, I knew. His short breaths, his whimpers—they made me want to turn and pull him into my arms, but I didn’t.

  “I’m sorry.”

  This time it was me who blew out a breath. “For what?”

  “Can you look at me? Please.”

  I took the pan off the burner and put it on the back of the stove. When I turned, my resolve not to scoop him in my arms wavered. He sat there, his cheeks mottled red with patches of white. There were streaks where tears had run down them. I stayed strong, though it was hard.

  “You and Olivia are right.” He rolled his chair to the table. “I’m angry all the time at how weak I think I am. Olivia shouldn’t have to put up with me whining and fussing all the time.”

  “You don’t do it all the time. I think it’s when you get scared or feel shame for your situation. You lash out because it’s easier to push people away so they can’t hurt you.” This time I didn’t even try to stop myself. I put a hand on his cheek and rubbed away the stain. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for you.”

  “But that’s not an excuse. I knew it for the longest time, but you’re right. I don’t want to need help. I want to be like you or Livvy. To stand up on my own two feet and do things by myself.” He swallowed. “I was never angry with you or her. I was mad at myself. I always said people looked down on me because of the chair or walker, but the reality of it is, I’m the one who sees my limits, while you and Livvy see my potential. Maybe it’s time for me to do my best to see myself through your eyes.”

  I couldn’t hold back anymore. I threw my arms around him and held him tight.

  “I am so sorry, Tom.” He buried his face in my chest. “Please don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not.” I stepped back and ruffled his hair. “I accept responsibility for my own part in this.”

  His eyes widened. “You? What did you do?”

  “Let me ask you something, okay? If your walker was here, or if I had brought the chair in the house, what would you have done last night when you needed to use the bathroom?”

  “I would have gotten up and gone.”

  “And that right there tells you what my part was. I’m used to people depending on me, so I never think twice about it. It never even entered my mind that I needed to give you your mobility. For that, I truly am sorry.”

  He chuckled. “I can think of more things that are my fault. Like telling you I wanted to sleep up in the loft, when it’s not really accessible for me. Can we just admit we’re both wrong?”

&nbs
p; I leaned down and kissed him on the nose. “We can.” I stood up. “Now, are you ready to eat?”

  He rubbed his stomach. “I will be, but I need to make a call first. Is that okay?”

  I figured I knew who he planned on calling. “Of course. I’ll give you some privacy.”

  He reached out and put a hand on my arm. “Stay?”

  “Okay. Let me get some coffee.”

  Once I’d filled both cups, I took a seat across from him. His nerves were evident from the way he bobbled his phone.

  “She’s going to understand. She loves you, probably more than you know. If you were her son, she couldn’t be more proud of you.”

  That seemed to perk him up. He tapped the screen twice, then put the phone on speaker and placed it on the table.

  “Aiden, I swear to God, if you don’t let me get some sleep, I won’t be responsible when they find your body.”

  “Nice to hear you too, Livvy.”

  “You okay?” Her voice softened. “Do you need me?”

  He chuckled. “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m always going to need you. You’re more than my sister, you know. You’ve been more a parent to me than either of them. You didn’t deserve how I treated you.”

  She cooed. “I’m always going to be here for you. Having you with me was the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten. I know you didn’t come here under the best of circumstances, but when the chips were down, you knew where you’d be safe.”

  He glanced up at me. “I’m starting to learn that I’ve got two safe harbors now.” His lip jutted out. “Is that okay?”

  Livvy chuckled. “Of course it is. You need to know where to turn when you need us, but also where to look when you want to find us cheering you on.”

  His lower lip wobbled, and I went to him and pulled him to me.

  “Hey, Olivia. Aiden needs a few minutes. I have a question for you. What would you say about coming to my parents’ house for dinner next Sunday?”

  “Really? Why?”

  I glanced down at Aiden, who was peering up at me. I put a hand on his head, rubbing his silky hair. It happened so fast, I hadn’t been expecting it, but it was true. Aiden had become that important to my life, and the woman who mostly raised him? She was every bit a part of my life too.