And Here I'll Stay

by Rita Hestand

  "I really hurt you in San Antonio, didn't I?"

  She stared at him now, unable to answer that question for she knew too well the answer. "I'm fine Joe. You just woke me up to myself. And I'm glad. If you hadn't, I might have gone on doing one stupid thing after another. But I've accepted that I was very selfish. You were right about me. How many women do you know would ask a man to marry her just because she's embarrassed? How many women do you know that couldn't face a little gossip? You had me pegged right all along. I was a selfish brat. You just opened my eyes to it. Now I want to straighten that out. I want to change, I'm tired of being the town clown. And I'm sorry I got you in this mess."

  "Have you ever asked yourself why you chose to ask me to marry you?"

  "You were my best friend, always had been. You were always there for me. I didn't think you'd ever walk out on me. And– I always loved you… I thought with you I wouldn't make another mistake, but I guess I was wrong." She walked away now, and tears ran down her cheeks. She didn't wipe them away.

  He didn't run after her, he just stood there! Staring after her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  She loved him. She meant it when she said she loved him? How could he have missed that? How could he have been so dumb?

  And then he realized he'd never said it to her. Not like he meant it. And there was a reason for that too, but she had no idea. How could he have been so blind.

  He'd hurt her badly in San Antonio. He wanted her to straighten up and realize that what they'd done was serious, not some joke. So, he was brutal with his remarks. He hadn't meant to hurt her, but the way she'd been acting, he wasn't sure he could hurt her.

  When had things changed between them so drastically?

  When they grew up. They weren't kids anymore and trying to keep a relationship the same was impossible. She'd grown into a beautiful young woman who could have her pick of men.

  And her wanting to be like her sister, made her act irrational. Because it wasn't her nature, he could see that.

  Didn't she know she was perfect the way she was? Of course, she didn't, he hadn't told her. He'd failed her as much as she'd failed him. He just hadn't seen it.

  He didn't trust her feelings.

  Because they had grown up, they couldn't keep the same relationship. That was the problem.

  There was an attraction between them, and they hadn't faced that either.

  But there were things she didn't know, and it was time for him to tell her, to build the trust they lost somehow. He only hoped it wasn't too late to convince her.

  He went to her room wanting to talk to her but when she didn't answer, he went in, and she was asleep, laying across the bed. She was curled in a ball, and she'd been crying. It broke his heart to know he had hurt her again.

  He pulled a blanket up over her, kissed her on the cheek and walked to his bedroom.

  The next few days it was impossible to talk to her as her work had her coming in late and exhausted. She would still eat, and Maria worried and fretted over her.

  "She's losing weight." Maria told Joe.

  "It's all the work she's doing. She eats well enough." Joe let her know. "She loves your fixing lunch for them."

  "Si, she does, but she works too hard."

  "Pettigrew is sick and can't come to work. George is with her every day, I'll talk to him, see what he knows about it."

  "Good, I am worried." Maria told him.

  "Don't fret, I'm sure it's just overworking."

  Maria nodded.

  But days passed before he even got a chance to talk to her, so he went to talk to George.

  "Are things bad at the livery right now?" He asked George as he caught him cleaning out a stall in the barn.

  "Hectic. You can't imagine the kind of things Pettigrew does every day at that livery. He never turns a job down, and it's hard to keep up with the rascal. I've tried to do all the heavy stuff like you wanted me to, but she's had her hands full with the amount of horses that have come in lately. She cleans the stall, hauls the stuff out, curries them, feeds them and helps me when there is something needed. She works as hard as a man. She's worried about running off customers of his."

  "Maria said she's losing weight. Is she eating at work?"

  "Well, to tell the truth we've both missed our lunch a couple of times. This town is growing, and we have more business than we can handle. I don’t know how old man Pettigrew does it."

  "Thanks for letting me know George. You think I should try to pull her off the livery stable job?" Joe asked him.

  "To tell the truth, no! She loves the work, never complains, but she sweats like a man at getting it done. You should be damned proud of her boss. Never seen a woman work that hard. Even my mother." George chuckled.

  "I need to talk to her but she's so tired all the time, she eats and before I know it, she's headed up the stairs." Joe shook his head. "Maybe I'll run out to her folks place and see how Pettigrew is doing."

  "That's a good idea. Maybe he'll be coming back soon." George shook his head.

  The next day Joe took some time off mending fences to go see about Pettigrew.

  The old man was sitting up in bed now and feeling much better. Anna's mom was pampering him with great food and her dad was keeping him entertained.

  "You're looking a lot better." Joe told him.

  "Feeling a lot better too. Doc says I can come back in a few days."

  "How many is a few?" Joe asked.

  "Three or four. They overloading her with work?" Pettigrew looked at him.

  "Overloading, are you kidding me. None of us knew how much work you did, including her." Joe chuckled.

  "I reckon the problem is, you got to space the work, and not tell everyone you'll get it done that day, but to check back in a day or two. That gives you time. I'll bet she's been trying to do everything all in one day. That will wear you out. I found that out early on."

  "I got George working there with her and they can barely keep up."

  "Well you should have told me Joe. Tell her and George to space all the work out over a week. Otherwise they'll just keep bringing more work to her. And I won't be able to keep up myself if she's trying to get it all done in one day." Pettigrew shook his head. "They all know better than to gang up on her like that. But it's my fault for not warning her about how they'll do her." Pettigrew fussed.

  "Well, don’t you worry, I'll get George to straighten a few of them out. They have been working their butts off to keep up. I didn't understand it, myself. I mean you seem to handle things well."

  "That's because I don't tell them I'll have it ready for them right away. I space everyone out. By the end of the week usually it's all done. Unless I run out of parts or something."

  "It really isn't your fault; you've been sicker than a dog and we all know it. But we'll get it straight before you return, you can bet on that."

  Pettigrew laughed. "You know when I hired her, I thought she was joking. But she showed up, every day, on time, and she worked right along side me, and did everything any man would have done. I'm proud of that little gal, yes siree, she's a good hand. I'd hate to lose her."

  Joe laughed, "I guess that means I can't get her fired?"

  "Hell no, I need her."

  "Alright, you just concentrate on getting well. Is there anything else we should know?"

  "What I just told you, is the secret to running that livery stable. Once they think you'll have it done that day, they'll expect it. And once they find out you won't, they settle out and act reasonable about the workload they put on us. It's all part of the business."

  "Get well," Joe told him and tipped his hat to him.

  Her mother had him sit down with a cup of coffee with her. "So, how's married life?" she asked him.

  "I'm hoping it's going to get better soon."

  "Oh, what do you mean?"

  "I haven't had the time to even talk to her in days."

  "Pettigrew says she's right handy at the stable." Her Pa joined them at t
he table when he came in from working out in the pasture.

  "Yeah, I know, he was just telling me. He likes working with her."

  "Everyone thought she was crazy taking that job. But Anna was always cut from a different mold." Her father told him. "We learned early on with her, that she just wasn't like Mary and couldn't be. We wouldn't want her to be."

  "I had a hard time with it myself, at first."

  "I stopped by a time or two to see her, she's lost some weight." He mentioned with concern.

  "Yeah, Maria was remarking about that. I'll just be glad when Pettigrew gets back. George is good at the stable himself, but he didn't realize the amount of people that Pettigrew takes care of. He's got quite a reputation to live up to."

  Her Ma smiled.

  "Something I wanted to ask you." Joe looked at them both.

  "What's that, go ahead?"

  "Did you know she wanted to be like her sister?"

  "Mary?" Her mother shrieked. "Well, Mary's ten years older than her. It would be hard to keep up with her, if it's children you are talking about. Mary fell in love early, married and started having babies. They live south of Camp Dallas, has now for the last three years, they built a place and are doing fine. But there is no way the two of them are alike. They never could be. Although Mary was like a second Momma to Anna."

  "No, I think that's true too, but she thinks Mary is a saint and does everything right, and that y'all are proud of Mary, but not her! She's convinced herself she's the town clown, and I haven't helped much either."

  "Your joshin'." Her father said. "You don't love your kids the same, because each one is different. Mary and Anna are really different. They always have been."

  "I think that's why she's been in such an all fired hurry to get married. And she feels herself a failure because it took her so long."

  "Her and Mary are like night and day. Both got their good points; both got their faults. Mary is more turned to marriage and family, while Anna is more independent and different. I mean, who'd have thought she'd take a job at the livery stable. Everyone in town is talking about it, like she's lost her mind. It's just her way but trying to be like Mary will kill her. She needs to accept the way she is, or change her whole attitude toward life."

  "Well, she's trying to change, but I’m like you, I think she needs to stay the way she is."

  "I'm glad to hear you say that, Joe. And I know that you two will work things out before too long. If you didn't care about her, you wouldn't be with her now. She's stubborn, strong willed, and got a heart of gold. And to tell the truth she works harder than Mary ever did." Her mother smiled proudly.

  "She works harder than some of my men." Joe chuckled.

  Her Ma had to get supper on, so Joe walked out on the front porch with her Pa.

  "I'm glad she married you Joe." Her Pa said quietly.

  Joe gazed out over the land as the sun was setting. He turned to look at him, "Why's that?"

  "Well, we knew she wasn't in love with those other three men that walked out on her. Ain't no shame there, because they weren't in love with her either. But you, it's different, she's got feelings for you. She always has."

  "We've been good friends all our lives."

  Her father shook his head. "It's more than that Joe." Her Pa lit a pipe and looked at him seriously. "When you grew up and went your own way, she blamed us for how things worked out."

  "Blamed you? I don't understand?"

  "She said age was between the two of you and that we told her you were too old for her. And we did. You was five years older than her at the time, still are but what I’m saying is, she liked you like a girl likes a boy. She always did."

  "I didn't know— She never let on."

  "'Course you didn’t know. You was nineteen and beginning your adult life. She was still wet behind the ears. And still is in many ways."

  "She wanted you then, but we kept telling her it would never work, until she believed it. The day she finally believed it, everything changed. That's when the crazy stuff started happening."

  "I don't understand?" Joe turned to stare at him, waiting to hear the whole story.

  "She decided then she was gonna follow Mary's lead and get married. She wasn't in love with anyone but you, but we convinced her you were too old for her. Believe me it took a lot of doing to convince her. We did it for her own good, and yours. You were her hero. You watched out for her, took care of her, and she knew it. But once she began to realize you were out of reach, she turned herself into a little Mary. Now age don't matter, but she don't see it. She made a mess out of trying to be like Mary, she's just cut from a different mold. She'd made up her mind to leave you alone, too. I don't know what got into her at the church askin' you to marry. But I hope you can make the best of it, because that little gal is worth every bit of trouble she creates." He chuckled. "I should know."

  "My God, I wish I known all of this before," he told him.

  "She didn't want you knowing. She's got too much pride for that. We convinced her that you knew it was better to walk away from her then. She finally believed it, but it must have broken her heart. That's when all the crazy stuff started. Her trying to be a little Mary."

  "Yeah, I've dealt with her pride." Joe studied on what Frank Murray said. "I remember the first day I met her. The kids were all in school and afterwards they had a horse race. Anna Lee beat the biggest boy in school and so in his anger he killed a stray cat with his horse. Anna Lee was crying and holding that dead cat in his face. He took out a whip and struck her with it."

  "I couldn't hold with what he'd done, so I took it away from him, after I beat the tar out of him. John Phillips was his name, a real wild one. I told him if he ever touched her again, I'd use that whip on him good."

  "I remember that day. She brought that cat home and buried him out back, crying all the while."

  "She loves animals." Joe smiled. Joe shook his head, "She always has."

  "That was the beginning, we thought it was hero worship. But since your married to her now, I thought you ought to know. And don't go feeling sorry for her. If you don't love her, don't act like you do. I think we really hurt her when we told her you were too old for her. I don't think she ever got over that. You see we see it now. But she loved you then, and when we flat out told her you were too old, and kept tellin' her, she finally believed it, and tried to let you go. It was the same about Mary, she looked up to her too, and loved her too, took it hard when she married, like she deserted her. But she ain't Mary, and someone's got to tell her, it's alright to be her!"

  "I appreciate you telling me. I've wronged her and I have to make amends somehow. I thought she was just being spoiled."

  Her Pa caught him by the arm as he was about to leave. "If you don't love her, don't let on you know. It'd only hurt her more."

  "We've never even…"

  "I figured as much, the way the two of you been acting. Well, that goes double for that."

  "What do you mean."

  "Don't make love with her, unless you are in love with her. It'd break her heart if she thought you didn't love her and did that."

  "You've got nothing to worry about, Mr. Murray, nothing at all. You know, I didn't mean to just cut her out of my life, so easy. To tell you the truth, I'm as guilty as her at listening to everyone else about love. But I was teased a lot for being so close to her, I was convinced I was too old for her too. I thought at the time I should move on, not lead her on that way."

  Her Pa nodded. "You did right. But it was a hard lesson for her, and one I'm not sure she's gotten over yet. Now mind you, this conversation is just between you and me. And to anyone else, it never happened."

  "And that's for sure." Joe smiled and left. "Don't worry about her Mr. Murray, it's all gonna work out just fine."

  Chapter Fourteen

  Riding home that evening, Joe tossed all the information in his head. Good gosh, how had it come to this? And yet they were headed for it from the start.

  She loved
him! Had always loved him! And he never once suspected that her love was real. He'd made the mistake of thinking she was too young to think that way. Although he'd loved her too, she never knew it as it would have caused a lot of problems, especially when he finally went his own way.

  When he got home, he found her asleep in the front room. She was curled up in a chair and sound asleep. How could he ever tell her that he'd been protecting her all along and she never knew it. Protecting her from his own feelings.

  Maria came through, "She wanted to wait up for you, but she was so tired, she couldn't."

  "I'll carry her up, goodnight Maria."

  "Goodnight."

  Maria went to her quarters in the back of the kitchen and closed the door.

  Joe stared down at her and smiled. He picked her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs. Once more he took her to his room and laid her on the bed. She smelled like hay and horses, but he didn't mind. He was quickly getting used to that smell.

  She sighed and curled up on the pillows.

  He slowly took her boots off then went to get a blanket to cover her with. As he bent down, he touched his lips to hers and again she sighed.

  He couldn't quit staring at her. She'd been his all along. He'd heard her say so many times how she loved him, but somehow, he'd managed to turn a deaf ear to those words.

  Shaking his head, and with a sardonic smile to his lips, he got ready for bed and laid down beside her. He couldn't take his eyes from her though. The gangly little girl with such beautiful golden hair and unusual blue-green eyes had turned into a gorgeous young woman. But Anna Lee wasn't aware of her beauty, which made her even more so.

  "There's so much I want to tell you, but I don't know where to begin." He murmured as though she could hear him.

  The next morning, she was wrapped in his arms again, one leg curled with his, one arm over his chest, her head resting beneath his chin. He could get used to this, he thought with a smile.

  He knew she had to go to work, but he wished she could take off a day, so they could talk. Still, he needed time to figure out how to talk to her.