“I’m sorry. I was upset. I was worried about Kelsey. You must have realised I was just lashing out.” Riley glanced at her, then looked back down at Emily. “But you didn’t, did you? You thought I was serious.” Of course she had. When had Jennifer ever said anything to her that wasn’t spiteful? No, that wasn’t right. They had connected over the last few months and were building something together. They had made love and it had been amazing. How could Riley think anything she’d said in that damn doctor’s office meant anything?
“I don’t exactly have a good track record,” Riley murmured.
“No, I guess not, but I thought we were different, that maybe we were heading somewhere.”
“We still can, if you can forgive me for disappearing on you.”
“I do forgive you, but right now probably isn’t the best time to be getting into anything.” As much as she wanted, needed Riley, Jennifer couldn’t give a relationship with her, her full attention. “I spoke with Mike at the wake. He doesn’t want anything to do with Emily. He’s given me the green light to adopt her. She’ll be coming home next week with me and I’ll need to concentrate on raising her and trying to fit work and studying in as well. Things are going to be difficult for me for a while, so dating isn’t something I can think about now.”
Riley straightened, shoving her hands into her jeans pockets. “How many more times are you going to put your life on hold? You can’t keep waiting for the right time; it’ll never happen. Things will always get in the way.”
Jennifer squared her shoulders. Pointing to Emily she said, “Emily will never be in the way, and she needs me. She can’t wait, but my sex life can.”
“I wasn’t talking about sex. I was talking about a life together, a family.”
“You can’t be serious?” She let out a bark of laughter, disturbing a couple of babies, who let it be known they weren’t happy being woken up. She lowered her voice. “It was only a few weeks ago you were out clubbing all the time. You’re only twenty-seven. You should keep on enjoying yourself, having fun.”
“I don’t want that anymore. I want you.”
She seemed sincere enough, and just for a moment Jennifer let herself dream of a future of them all together, as a family. It was a nice fantasy, but the reality was Riley wasn’t ready to settle down, no matter what she said. And Jennifer wasn’t about to let her get tied down with a wife and baby. She had been through this with Kelsey; she could do it again. On my own, the way it always is.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. You can come and see Emily whenever you like, and I hope we can be friends, but I can’t give you anything more than that.”
Izzy came back into the room. “I found a coffee machine, but it was broken.” Her gaze flicked between them. Clearly she sensed the tension in the room. “Everything okay in here?”
“Yeah, I was just leaving.”
“You don’t need to go yet.”
“Yes, yes, I do. Izzy, it was nice to see you again.” Riley turned and practically sprinted to the door, tears on her cheeks.
“What’s going on?” Izzy asked after Riley had left.
Jennifer ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated. She had hurt her, again. “Riley and I kind of had a thing.”
“A thing?” Izzy’s eyebrows rose in confusion.
“Yeah.”
“What does that mean? Oh, you mean an intimate thing?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t know you were gay.”
“I didn’t either.” She assumed she would be embarrassed admitting she had a sexual relationship with a woman, but she wasn’t. What they’d had together was nothing to be ashamed of. Jennifer was too long in the tooth to worry what others thought of her. “Riley was the first woman I have been attracted to. But it felt right. We were together the night Kelsey collapsed.”
“And knowing you like I do, you probably blamed yourself.”
“Yeah, and I took it out on Riley.”
“Which is why you haven’t seen her all week.” Sometimes Izzy was too good at reading people.
“I apologised, and I think we’ve cleared the air, but she wants more than what I can give her at the moment.”
She felt Izzy’s stare, but she refused to look at her, afraid of what Izzy would see. “Are you using Emily as an excuse because you’re scared of having a relationship with Riley?”
Yep, Izzy sees everything. “I freely admit these feelings are new to me, and if Kelsey hadn’t have died, who knows. But right now, Emily has to be my focus.” She concentrated hard on schooling her features, hoping Izzy would believe her, because Izzy was right: she was afraid of a relationship with Riley. Too much was at stake, and her heart was only one of those things.
†
“Are you sure you don’t mind me sleeping in Kelsey’s room?” Izzy asked later that night.
They had stayed at the neonatal unit for an hour, spending time with Emily and catching up on their lives. Jennifer had talked about Kelsey a lot, about all the trouble she got into with Riley by her side. She couldn’t help but laugh about it all now. At the time she had been angry, as any parent would, but in the end, their behavior was just kids being kids. Thinking back to all the times Riley had tormented her made her smile. She was such a little terror but had grown into an amazingly strong woman. Jennifer desperately wanted to see her. Riley had been through so much in the last few months. Her dad and Kelsey dying, finding out she had a brother, and reconnecting with her mother. Jennifer had so much she wanted to talk to her about, but she couldn’t, because Riley was avoiding her.
“No, of course not. She wouldn’t want her old auntie sleeping on the sofa.” She ducked as Izzy threw a cushion at her.
“Brat.” Izzy was forty-seven but still looked thirty. She was fit and healthy and could no doubt whip Jennifer’s ass in any sport. Some days, Jennifer felt frumpy, old before her time. Only when Riley looked at her in that smouldering way did she feel desired, sexy. And we’re back to thinking about Riley. God, I need to get a grip.
“Seriously, it’s fine. I’ll grab you some clean sheets.”
Jennifer went to the ottoman at the top of the stairs and pulled out a spare set of linens, the smell of washing powder making her take a deep sniff. She loved clean sheets. She headed back downstairs and tossed them to Izzy, who just managed to grab them before they fell to the floor. “Here you go.”
“Thanks. I’ll go do this and then I’ll see if I can get a hold of Jeff. He should be awake by now.”
“Would you like some wine?” she asked as Izzy climbed the stairs. “I thought we could order a pizza or something.”
“That would be great. See you in a minute.”
Jennifer went into the kitchen and took glasses from the cabinet. She opened the wine and poured a generous amount in each. She took a large gulp as she fished out the local pizza menu from a drawer.
“Um, Jen?”
She turned around, finding Izzy stood in the kitchen holding a pink envelope in her hands. “Yeah?”
“I found something you might want to look at.”
“What is it?”
“It was under the mattress. It’s a letter addressed to you.” She passed the envelope to her; she recognised Kelsey’s handwriting. Jennifer’s hand shook as she took it.
“Oh. Thanks.”
They took their wine and sat on the sofa, thoughts of pizza now gone. After a nod of encouragement from Izzy, and another gulp of wine, Jennifer slid her finger along the opening of the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper. She read the letter silently, tears filling her eyes.
Jen, if you are reading this, then something bad happened to me. Ever since I found out about my heart valve, I had this terrible feeling I wouldn’t live long enough to raise my baby. I guess I was right. I have included the contact details for my solicitor, who has my will. I pray with my whole heart that my baby is safe and healthy, and if that is true, my wishes are that she remains with you, but please let Mike be a father to
him or her. We know how it is to grow up without a dad and I don’t want that for my baby. I also need you to promise you’ll take care of Riley. She loves you so much, and if you listen to your heart, you know you love her too. She deserves to be happy and so do you. I’m sorry I’m leaving you literally holding the baby, but there is no one else on this earth who I trust to raise her and love her the way you can. I know you’ll be a great mother to my baby as you were the best mum to me.
Hopefully I’ll be able to tear this letter up and you will never know what it contains. If you are reading it, you are either snooping in my room or the worst has happened. Please take care of my baby if she is with you.
All my love,
Kels
After she finished reading, she passed the letter to Izzy. As Izzy read, Jennifer tried to compose herself. She couldn’t understand why Kelsey wouldn’t tell her about her concerns. Why wouldn’t she see her doctor if she was worried? But she had, they’d told her everything was fine and just to stay on bedrest and look after herself. Still, she must have been concerned enough to write the letter and see her solicitor.
She must have been so upset writing this. Jennifer was more resolved than ever now to keep Emily, knowing that’s what Kelsey wanted.
“Oh, Jen,” Izzy said as she wiped tears from her own eyes.
“She’s right. She hadn’t looked well for months, but we all assumed her temporary valve fix was good. Her pre-eclampsia must have made everything worse.”
“At least Emily is okay.”
“Yes, but what am I going to do without Kelsey?” She broke down, gut wrenching sobs tearing from her.
“Come here, sweetheart.” Izzy gathered her in her arms and held her while she exorcized her grief. After a while Jennifer pulled back, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks.
“There was another letter with yours,” Izzy continued. “Addressed to Riley.”
Jennifer wasn’t surprised. Kelsey and Riley were closer than sisters, so it made sense she would have written a letter to Riley as well. “I’ll have to post it to her as she doesn’t want to see me.”
“That’s a little bit cruel, isn’t it?” Izzy said carefully. “If her letter is anything like yours, she’ll probably want someone with her when she reads it.”
“I don’t suppose you want to do it for me?” she asked hopefully.
“Not a chance.”
She glanced at the clock. “It’s after ten. Do you think she’ll let me in?”
“Only one way to find out.”
Jennifer hoped she would. Although, judging by the way Riley had taken great lengths to avoid her over the last week, she doubted it.
Chapter Twenty-six
Riley sat on the sofa, a tumbler of neat brandy in her left hand. In her right she held a photo of herself and Kelsey, taken when they were twelve. They had gone to a school friend’s birthday party and they were both dressed as pirates. The theme had been fancy dress and they had both loved dressing up.
I can’t believe she’s gone. Riley had spent most of the last week hiding in the dark, thinking about Kelsey. And, if she was honest with herself, she had also thought about Jennifer. Riley hadn’t been able to sleep in her own bed since the evening they had made love. She couldn’t face it. Jennifer’s scent still lingered on the sheets, and the first time Riley had tried to sleep in there, the memory of their time together assaulted her mind.
It had been such a beautiful evening. Riley couldn’t believe it. After all those years of having a crush on Jennifer, she had won her prize, she had spent an hour making love to her. Only for it all to come crashing down.
She took a sip of brandy, her other hand crushing the photo. Her jaw ached, and Riley realised she was grinding her teeth. She relaxed her hand. Everything was ruined now. Kelsey was gone, her dad was gone, and now Jennifer was gone. How could she have thought Riley was only after a quick screw? Hadn’t Riley made her feelings clear? There was no one else for Riley, never had been. Her clit twitched as the image of Jennifer climaxing gripped her. She was so beautiful.
She laid the photo on the cushion beside her and refilled her glass. She shouldn’t have gone to the funeral. She’d wanted to say goodbye to Kelsey, but the instant Jennifer entered the church, she felt sick. Jennifer looked so empty and lost, and Riley had wanted to go to her, take her in her arms, and make her feel better. But Jennifer’s words came back to her: “I should have been there for her. Instead I was with you.” They had hurt so badly, and she had chickened out and watched the burial from a safe distance. Jennifer had seen her but made no attempt to go to Riley.
I’m being selfish. Her sister was being buried. Why would she come to me?
Riley hadn’t seen anyone all week. She had shut down the garage, rescheduling customers or sending them elsewhere. She had switched off her phone after Jennifer had called seven times. And when Jennifer had knocked on her door, she had remained on the sofa, drink in hand.
She did see Emily, though. Every day. If nothing else, it brought her closer to Kelsey. She would go early in the morning knowing, Jennifer wouldn’t be there at that time, and she made sure to leave before she would arrive. Riley was becoming a hermit, and if she didn’t sort herself out soon, she feared she would end up like her dad. A loser and a drunk.
The knocking on her door startled her and made her spill her brandy. She knew who it would be: Jennifer. Riley didn’t want to see her. She had poured her heart out to Jennifer in the neonatal unit. Offered her a chance to be a family. But Jennifer had said no.
The knock came again, louder. “Riley, come on. I know you’re in there.”
Riley shook her head and stood. She shouldn’t have told her she had been avoiding her. Now Jennifer knew she was in here and had been all week. She opened the door. “You’re going to wake up the neighbours.”
“Then let me in.”
Riley stood to the side, allowing Jennifer to pass. She followed her into the lounge, watching as Jennifer looked from the nearly empty brandy bottle to the photo on the sofa. When her gaze settled on Riley, Riley could tell she had been crying. She resisted the need to go to her. Jennifer didn’t want anything she had to give. “What do you want, Jenny?”
“I have a letter for you,” she said as she produced a pink envelope from her back pocket. “It’s from Kelsey.”
Riley’s brows rose, confused as to when and why Kelsey had written it. The fear of what was inside made her pulse beat faster. “Thanks.” Riley took the envelope and turned back to go to the front door. “Have a good night.”
“Wait! I’m not sure if you want to read it on your own. You might need … something.”
Riley pivoted on her heel, intent on throwing Jennifer out. She would deal with whatever was in the letter, but Jennifer’s drawn face and sympathetic gaze made her relent. “Fine.” She perched on the arm of the sofa. “Can I get you anything?”
“No thank you, I’m okay.”
She nodded and ripped open the envelope none too gently. The sooner she read what was inside, the sooner Jennifer would leave and she could get back to finishing her brandy.
Riley,
What can I say? We had a blast, didn’t we? Thank you for being my friend. You’re an amazing woman and I was always disappointed I wasn’t a lesbian. You’d have made the perfect partner, but alas, I preferred guys. Besides, there is someone else who is in love with you. Don’t listen to her when she pushes you away, and you know she will. She’s as stubborn as you are, so you know how hard it’ll be to crack that shell.
I wish I could be with you for the next sixty years, tearing up the clubs on our Zimmer frames. Open your heart to all possibilities. Go meet your brother and enjoy having a family again. Please look out for Jennifer and my baby. They’ll need you as much as I did.
Love you always,
Kelsey.
“Well, she got the stubborn part right,” Riley muttered. She stuffed the letter back in the envelope and tossed it on top of the photo. She would read i
t again once Jennifer left. She certainly wasn’t going to tell Jennifer that Kelsey thought she was in love with her. She would only deny it and push Riley further away. If she could push her any further than she already had.
“Are you okay?”
“Yep. Just dandy.” She picked up her drink and took a sip.
“Riley?”
“What?”
“Why won’t you talk to me?”
“What’s the point? You already told me you weren’t interested in a relationship with me. And no matter what Kelsey thinks, thought, she can’t make you want me if you don’t.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you.”
Jennifer looked like she was on the verge of crying again, and it broke Riley’s heart. She may be on her way to drunk, but she could still recognise how upset and confused Jennifer was. “Please don’t. You’re just going to make it worse. When do you bring Emily home?”
Jennifer stared at her for a long moment, trying to gather herself. They were both on the verge of breaking down. Riley knew if she pushed, Jennifer would relent and be in her arms in an instant. But she knew that Jennifer would regret it. Tensions had been high between them, and Riley didn’t want to make the mistake of losing her for good, which was what would happen if she took advantage of Jennifer.
“Hopefully next week. I need to go see Kelsey’s solicitor and get some paperwork sorted. I also want to talk to Mike again, see if he will change his mind about being a part of Emily’s life.”
“Okay. Well, let me know how it goes.”
“When will I see you?” She sounded almost desperate.
It didn’t matter what Jennifer had said to her in the past; Riley knew she still wanted her, could see it in her eyes. But she would have to wait for Jennifer to come to her. She would keep her distance. It was the only way to keep herself sane. “I don’t know if I can.”
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