“Please don’t shut me out. I’ve lost Kelsey. I can’t lose you too.”
“Oh, Jenny.” Riley gathered her in her arms and held her close. “Please don’t cry.”
“Please, Riley,” she said into Riley’s chest, her voice muffled. “I know I’m being selfish here, but I need you.”
“I need you, too, but it’s too hard.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t apologise.” Riley cupped her cheek and raised her head so she could see her eyes. “I can’t bear to see you like this.” The air around them crackled with anticipation. All Riley had to do was dip her head an inch and she would finally be able to taste Jennifer again. The urge was so strong, her pulse hammering in her chest. “You need to leave. I want to kiss you, but I know you don’t want that.”
“I do want that, I do.” Jennifer’s voice came out on a breathy whisper, sending a shiver through Riley. A second later Jennifer pulled away, running her hands through her hair in frustration. “But you’re right, I should go.”
“I’m sorry, Jenny.” She wasn’t sure what she was apologising for. Jennifer clearly wanted her, but she wasn’t ready. Everything she’d told Riley in the neonatal unit had been right. So Riley would give her time, be her friend as much as she could, but she wasn’t giving up, she loved her too much for that.
“I’ll text you when I’m bringing her home.”
“Okay.” Riley opened the door, stepping aside to allow Jennifer to pass. Jennifer turned as she crossed the threshold and kissed Riley on the cheek. It was brief, chaste, but it was enough to electrify Riley.
“Okay, bye,” Jennifer said.
“Goodbye, Jenny.”
Riley closed the door and rested her head on the wood for a moment, listening as Jennifer’s car pulled away. She went back into the lounge, intent on finishing her brandy, but as she held the glass to her lips, her stomach protested, her nerves still jangling at the barest touch of Jennifer’s lips against her skin. She picked up the photo and the letter off the sofa and took them upstairs to her bedroom, depositing her glass in the kitchen on the way.
She stripped and got into bed naked, the smell of Jennifer no longer haunting her. Now, it comforted her.
Chapter Twenty-seven
The following Monday Riley received a text from Jennifer letting her know she would take Emily home that day. In the six days since Riley saw her last, Riley had kept her promise to herself, keeping her distance. They had had a few sparse conversations about the baby and Jennifer’s meeting with her solicitor, but that was it. The tension between them was palpable, even down the phone line, and it ripped through her every time. It was like they were strangers. Riley began to wonder if they would ever go back to how things were, before Kelsey died.
She put her mobile on the workbench and picked up an adjustable wrench. She had gone back to work the morning after Jennifer had visited and it felt good to be getting back to a routine. She would stop by the hospital on her way to the garage for a few minutes, just to get a peek at Emily, and every time she saw her, she felt a little more attached to her. She had never considered herself mother material, but looking into Emily’s eyes, she felt a bond forming that she wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with.
A horn blast behind her startled her, and she turned to see her mother stepping out of her Mazda.
“Hey, Riley. I’ve been trying to contact you, but you’ve not been around.”
Riley leaned back on the workbench, dropping the wrench back onto it. “I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot going on.”
“Is it to do with me?”
Her mother looked stricken, as if the thought of Riley changing her mind about getting to know her again caused her great pain. Which it probably did because that’s how Riley felt about not seeing Kelsey ever again. “No. I’m sorry if you thought that. I should have called.”
Angela took a few steps closer and gently touched her hand. “So, what’s happened? You look terrible.”
And that was the truth. Riley had lost weight in the two weeks since Kelsey’s death, and her normally glossy hair was lacklustre. The dark rings under her eyes and her sallow skin had aged her at least ten years. She wondered if she would ever look, and feel, normal again. Riley stared into the distance for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Eventually she looked back at her mother. If they were going to start building a relationship, telling her about Kelsey would be a good place to begin.
“Do you remember I mentioned my friend Kelsey?”
“The one having a baby?” At Riley’s nod, she added, “Yes.”
“She died a couple of weeks ago.” Just saying the words made her heart clench. Angela hugged her, and the familiar feel of her mother’s arms around her filled the void that had been in her life for the last seventeen years. She hugged her back, breathing deeply the smell of her perfume. It was the same as she remembered.
“Oh, sweetheart. What happened?”
They pulled apart and Riley filled her in on the circumstances of Kelsey’s death, dismayed to find herself crying. She avoided the subject of Jennifer and what they had done before they received the phone call which devastated them both.
Angela motioned to the office. “Let’s go sit down and have a cuppa.”
They headed into the room and Riley set about making them tea. They didn’t speak and that was fine with her. It gave her a chance to regroup, to stick her grief back in the box. If she thought about it too much, it would cripple her. She handed a mug to Angela, who was sitting on the small sofa.
“Why didn’t you call me?” Angela asked. “I would have been here for you.”
“I know, but I needed to be by myself. I haven’t spoken to anyone, not really.”
“What about her sister? Jennifer, isn’t it?”
So much for not mentioning her. She debated whether to tell her everything, but she had nothing to hide. And if she were honest with herself, talking about it with someone would be good. Replaying it in head all the time wasn’t solving anything. “We kind of haven’t been getting along.”
“How do you mean? I thought you were interested in each other?”
“We are.”
Angela raised her brows, waiting.
Taking a deep breath, she said, “The night Kelsey passed, Jennifer and I were together.”
“You mean…?”
“We slept together. Whilst we were still, you know, Jennifer got the call about Kelsey. We got to the hospital, but Kelsey was already having a C-section. Her baby was born and then Kelsey died. Jennifer said some things and I ran away. I thought she meant what she said, but we’ve cleared the air since then.” Or have we? They had apologised to each other, and the attraction was still there, but was she really over what Jennifer had said about their lovemaking?
“So, you’re back on track?”
“No. She doesn’t think it’s the right time. She’s bringing Emily home today and has a lot to deal with.”
“You could help her with that.”
“Yes, and I want to, but she doesn’t want me to.”
“And you’re just going to give up?” Her voice was incredulous. She shook her head. “Look, Riley, if you really do love her, and I can see that you do, then you should keep trying.”
“I don’t want to force her.”
“She’s right, she has a lot to deal with. Losing her sister and having a new baby. And I’m sure she could use a hand with all that. You can’t walk away from her; you need to fight for what you want. I walked away from you and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. Don’t do what I did, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.”
Her mother was right. If Riley stayed away from Jennifer she would hate herself for it. Maybe if she stopped by, Jennifer would believe how serious Riley was about them being a family. She would give Jennifer the day to collect Emily, and settle her in, and then she would go see her. “Thanks, Mum. You’re right.”
“Mothers always are.” Her mother stood and placed
her empty mug on the desk. “Justin has been asking when he can meet you. What shall I tell him?”
“Give me a couple of weeks and we’ll arrange something. I’m looking forward to meeting him too.” And she was. She had hated being an only child; that’s why she and Kelsey always hung out. It was great having someone to play with. Riley hoped she could do that for her brother. She certainly knew of a few pranks he would love, and his parents would hate.
†
Riley stepped out of her truck a little after seven. The setting sun cast a warm glow over everything, and she took a deep breath, filling her lungs with the evening air. After her mother had left, she had a new determination in her step. She would talk to Jennifer, tell her how she felt, and hopefully Jennifer would give them a chance to be together. She had already lost Kelsey, she didn’t want to lose her too.
She’d headed around the back of the house, intent on entering the back door, as was her norm, when she caught sight of Jennifer through the kitchen window. Her hair was pulled back off her face in a ponytail and her smile was wide and infectious. She looked beautiful. There was no doubt in Riley’s mind she would love this woman for the rest of her life.
As she took a step forward, movement from the other side of the kitchen caught her attention. Jennifer laughed at something and the reason was soon apparent. Mike walked into view, holding Emily, blowing raspberries on the baby’s cheek. Jennifer placed her hand on his back as she crowded in to do the same on her other cheek.
Riley took a step back and then another. Her chest ached, and she rubbed her ribs where her heart beat widely against them. She couldn’t make sense of what she was seeing. They all looked so happy, the perfect family.
She ran back to her truck, slamming the door, speeding off with no direction in mind. She had come here to tell Jennifer she was in love with her, but it didn’t matter anymore. Jennifer was with Mike. It made sense. He was Emily’s father, and he had history with Jennifer. It would only be practical if they tried to make a go of being a family. She had seen the glow in Jennifer’s cheeks, the warmth in her eyes, as she laughed with Mike.
She pulled into the nearest shop, bought a bottle of rum, and then headed home. She had been a fool, thinking anything would ever happen between her and Jennifer. All the crap Jennifer had said about not having time to date was obviously a ploy to let her down gently.
She sat on her sofa and unscrewed the cap off the bottle. Not bothering with a glass, she took a shot, wincing as the alcohol burned her throat. Like father, like daughter. She didn’t think she could hurt any more than she had when Kelsey died, but knowing that Jennifer was in Mike’s arms right at this moment crushed what little spirit she had left.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Jennifer had just settled Emily down for the night when the doorbell rang. Emily was disturbed, and Jennifer cursed under her breath. After waiting a moment to make sure she didn’t fully wake up, she headed downstairs to see who was here in the middle of the night. She checked through the peephole and could just make out Riley’s form slumped against the door frame.
“Riley? It’s late,” she said after she opened the door. Riley was clearly drunk. She swayed as she tried to remain upright against the doorjamb.
“I want to see Emily.”
Her words came out slurred, and her eyes were unfocused. Jennifer could smell the rum from two feet away. She cast her gaze to the street, hoping she wouldn’t find Riley’s truck parked on the road. Not seeing it, she looked back to Riley. “She’s asleep. And I wouldn’t let you see her in this state anyway.” In all the years she had known Riley, Jennifer had never seen her this blind drunk.
“You can’t stop me. Kelsey said I had to look out for her. As far as I’m concerned that’s what I’m doing.” She straightened and tried to stumble past her, but Jennifer held Riley back with a hand on her chest.
“You are not going anywhere near her like this.”
“Who’s going to stop me? Mike?” Riley’s eyes flashed with anger, her hands balled in tight fists at her sides.
“Mike?” Jennifer asked, confused.
“Yeah. Where’s he hiding?” Her gaze darted around the lounge behind Jennifer, as though she expected him to be standing there. “In your bed, no doubt.”
“What are you talking about? He’s not here and certainly not in my bed.” Why on earth would she think that?
“Liar! I saw you with him earlier. All cosy with your hands all over him.”
“Yes, he came by with some things he bought for Emily, and he wanted to meet her.” Riley’s face bunched as though she was trying to concentrate on what Jennifer was saying. Jennifer didn’t know why she was even bothering to explain any of this right now, because clearly it wasn’t going to sink in. “You should go home. Sleep it off. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
“No,” she shouted. “Tell me why? Why him?”
In a calm voice she said, “Riley, nothing is going on with Mike. I promise you.”
“You’re promises mean jack shit.” She dropped her hand from the door frame and turned away, stumbling down the path.
Jennifer wanted to chase after her, make her listen, but she couldn’t leave Emily. And besides, Riley wouldn’t listen to her even if she did. She closed and locked the door, then climbed the stairs to her room. She checked the crib next to her bed to make sure Emily was still asleep, then stripped and got into bed naked. It had been a long day and she was exhausted. After visiting Kelsey’s solicitor, she had phoned Mike and asked to meet him. He agreed, and they had lunch. She pleaded with him to be part of Kelsey’s life, and eventually he acquiesced. He still wanted Jennifer to have full custody, but he said he would do his part. He had even told his father about his new granddaughter and vowed to do right by her.
After lunch, she and Izzy collected Emily from the hospital. Izzy dropped them home, then went off to buy a few essentials for the baby. Whilst she was gone, Mike had come over with loads of stuff too. His change of heart had warmed Jennifer, and when he had held Emily, she could see he knew he’d made the right choice. That must have been when Riley had come over. If she had just knocked on the door, then she wouldn’t have jumped to the wrong conclusion. How could she possibly think she would be with Mike, especially after the night she’d shared with Riley?
A noise from the kitchen caught her attention and she assumed it was Izzy coming back from her night out with friends. Hearing nothing more, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep before Emily woke up needing feeding again. Thoughts of Riley’s face, etched with anguish, filled her mind.
†
The following morning Jennifer woke with a start. Light was streaming through her blinds, and she glanced at the clock. Eight a.m. Emily should have woken hours ago for a feed. Filled with dread, she hurried to the cot on the other side of the room, praying she was okay. Panic seized her when she found the cot empty. On trembling legs, she flew down the stairs, hoping Izzy had taken Emily. However, it wasn’t Izzy she saw holding her, it was Riley. She was reclined on the sofa, sound asleep, Emily tucked securely in her arms. Riley must have heard her running down the stairs, as her eyes fluttered open. Their gazes locked and the vulnerability in Riley’s face rocked Jennifer back on her heels.
“What are you doing here?” Jennifer asked in a calm voice that was at odds with the panic still hammering in her chest.
“I snuck in last night. Sorry.”
So that was the noise she’d heard.
“I got halfway down the street and threw up. I only came back to clean myself up, but I fell asleep.”
Jennifer’s gaze roamed over Riley, and she noted that Riley had changed into some of Kelsey’s old sweats and a T-shirt. She looked dishevelled but in a sexy way only Riley could pull off. Jennifer supposed she should be angry with her for sneaking in, but Riley had always done that. She was always here, treated it like it was her home. Just because Kelsey was no longer here didn’t mean she could stop those impulses, and Jennifer didn’t want he
r to. Riley always fitted in the house, with them.
“I woke up and found Emily gone. I thought something had happened.”
Riley’s eyes went wide, and she blushed. “Oh God. I am so sorry. I heard her fuss and I didn’t want to wake you. I picked her up and fed and changed her. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
It would serve Riley right to feel guilty for a while, given just how terrified Jennifer had been.
Riley stood and handed Emily to her.
“I didn’t think,” Riley continued. “I’m sorry.”
“You never do.” A flash of hurt swept over Riley’s face as she stepped away, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her sweats.
“I guess I better go.”
Jennifer shook her head and blew out a breath. With her free hand she grabbed Riley’s wrist. “Please stay. Have breakfast with us. We need to have a chat about last night.” At Riley’s raised eyebrows she continued, “About what you think you saw and what actually happened.”
They went into the kitchen and Jennifer passed Emily back to Riley while she set about making bacon and eggs for them both. As she cooked and made coffee, she told Riley about meeting with Mike, his change of heart, and the plans for Emily’s future.
“He was only here half an hour. He was bonding with his daughter and it made me happy, as I knew that’s what Kelsey wanted.”
Riley still didn’t look convinced. Jennifer plated up the food and put a plate in front of Riley, then settled Emily into the basinet Mike had bought. “Do you honestly think I would want to be with him after what you and I did together?”
“I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly. I thought you were blowing me off so you could have a family with him.”
Unkown Forces Page 16