Adore Me

by Jillian Dodd

  I shake my head and let out a big sigh, trying to stop myself from crying.

  "The first petal is for faith. You need to have faith in us. The second is for hope. The hope that we can get through whatever life throws at us. The third is for love. And the fourth is for luck. We already know that we're lucky together.

  I notice that he skipped commenting on the love petal.

  But then he grabs my hands and looks into my soul. "Look, this isn't at all how I wanted to do this. But I love you. A deep-within-my-soul, heartbreakingly beautiful kind of love."

  I open my mouth to speak, but he holds up his hand. "No. I don't want you to say anything. And I'm not even saying I love you yet. When I say that, I want it to be perfectly right. Like out of one of your fairy tales. But I need you to know how I feel."

  I wipe my tears and nod.

  And then we kiss.

  And this kiss kills me.

  A knife straight through my heart kills me.

  Because I feel that way too.

  "You're still crying," he says, wiping away my tears.

  "I know. I'm sorry."

  "It's okay, baby. It's been a rough night. Let's go to bed."

  Then he takes my hand, leads me to my turret, takes my dress off, puts his blue linen shirt on me, pulls me into bed, kisses me sweetly, and holds me tight.

  Pretty soon, I notice that he's breathing heavily; asleep.

  I glance at the clock, counting down the time I have left with him and holding him tighter than I ever have before.

  Sorta like fate.

  3am

  I can't sleep. My brain is still counting down--ticking and ticking-- the hours and, now, the minutes until I have to say goodbye.

  My stomach hurts. My heart aches. I feel sick.

  I still can't believe he wished on the moon.

  But, yet, I know it's true. Deep down inside me, I know it's true.

  And I don't want to leave him.

  But I know I have to.

  I know it's the only way.

  I stare at him sleeping next to me.

  Knowing it will be the last time.

  I close my eyes and try to soak him in. The feel of his body curled into mine. His strong hand protectively holding my leg. The smell of his neck. The pace of his beating heart.

  As I start to cry, I hear music. The same chords gently strummed across a guitar over and over. A soft, dreamy voice.

  I slide out of bed, being careful not to wake Aiden, peek out the window, and see Damian sitting down by the water with his guitar.

  I throw a robe around me and tiptoe out of the room.

  "That's pretty," I say, sitting down next to him. "Is it new?"

  When he replies, I see the boy I used to know, who was a little unsure of his talent, not the confident man he's become. "I'm working on a song for her. I feel like I know everything about her but yet I don't know the most important thing."

  "What's that?"

  "How to make her mine. She's gorgeous. Sweet. My dream girl. When I walked up the beach, I felt like . . . I don't even know; it's hard to put into words. That's why I'm having a hard time with this song."

  He studies me closely. "Are you and Aiden okay?"

  I shrug, not knowing what to say.

  "He had a chat with me. Like the talk Tommy had with me the night before I took you parking."

  "We didn't go parking."

  "You and I know why you wanted to go up there."

  "Research for a role."

  "Exactly. But Tommy didn't believe that. He basically told me if I touched you, he'd fuck me up."

  "He wouldn't say that!"

  "He didn't say that, but that was the message. Trust me."

  "He's really protective of her. They've been through a lot together."

  "I know about everything."

  "Like what?"

  "She told me all of it. Listed every reason why I shouldn't like her. What happened with her mom. Why she ended up at school. Why Aiden went there. Her affair with the teacher. Her friend threatening her. Her partying, activities, and the names and addresses of every boy she ever kissed."

  "Why would you need their addresses?"

  "So I can write each one a thank you note for being a dick to her."

  "You really have been talking."

  He nods. "And I told her everything about me. My past, the tour, and even the groupies. Now if I could just put in words how I felt when I first met her."

  I think about how Aiden made me feel when I first met him. "Did you feel like she spoke to your soul? Or like she was a magnet that you couldn't help but be pulled toward?"

  "That's exactly what it felt like. Hang on," he says as he writes the words magnetic and soul into the notes app on his phone. "She probably thinks I'm a freak because I can't stop staring at her, but I feel like I'm looking at my future. And that smile." He stops again and adds smile and future to his list.

  "Wanna hear a funny story?"

  He nods at me.

  "I tutor Aiden in French. And one of the very first times we were in the library studying, he told me we were fate. That it was fate that we were there. That we both ended up at the same school. And I laughed at him . . ."

  Damian starts typing, so I stop talking. "No, keep going," he says.

  "Anyway, he asked me what the French word for fate was and it's . . ."

  "Sort," Damian says slowly.

  "Right. And then he said that we're sorta like fate."

  He puts his palm into the air. "Hang on." He types some more then says, "What else?"

  "Then he told me that he's going to ask me to marry him at the . . ." Tears start streaming down my face. Damian looks up from his phone.

  "Marry you?"

  "Yeah, at the top of the Eiffel Tower, at sunset."

  "It sounds like something you would've scripted."

  "It's way better than anything I've ever scripted," I reply, hugging myself and trying not to have a total crying breakdown.

  "Don't cry," he says, lightly punching my thigh. "Close your eyes and listen to this." He starts singing, "You're my faith and inspiration. You're the ink in my tattoo. You're the water in my desert. All I can think about is you. You're the sun in all my sunsets. You're the wind in every breeze. You're the moon on my horizon. You're the one that makes me breathe."

  "That's beautiful, Damian."

  "I need a chorus. Something about fate. And us being here. I'm gonna record us. Listen again and then sing the first thing that pops in your head. Okay. Here goes. You're my faith and inspiration. You're the ink in my tattoo. You're the water in my desert. All I can think about is you. You're the sun in all my sunsets. You're the wind in every breeze. You're the moon on my horizon. You're the one that makes me breathe."

  I feel his words resonate in my heart and when he finishes, I sing, "It's sorta like fate that we're together. It's sorta like fate that we're both here."

  He continues, "It's sorta like you and me forever."

  "My destiny is clear."

  "Holy shit. That's it," Damian says. "That's exactly it. You're a genius."

  I give him a smile, then bite my lip so I won't start crying again.

  Damian turns off the recorder and puts his hand on top of mine. "You still planning on telling him goodbye?"

  "Yeah."

  "Keats, I think that might be a mistake."

  "You know I don't have a choice."

  "Are you sure about that? I mean, have you really thought it all through?"

  "Yes, there's no other way."

  "What if I help you find another way? No one knows I'm here. If I went back with you, I could help."

  I shake my head. "If you go back with her, I can't go back. And you can't help me."

  "So, you're going to make me choose?"

  "Yeah, Damian, I am. And your choice should be easy. If you love her like I think you do, don't you dare let her go."

  "I love you too, you know."

  "I know, but it's not the same."
My eyes fill with tears. "Damian, will you promise me something?"

  "Okay," he says tentatively.

  "That didn't sound like a promise. I'm completely serious about this. I need you to promise that you'll do this for me."

  "Okay, I promise. What do you want me to do?"

  "If I don't make it through this battle with Vincent. If I die. I need you to tell Aiden that I loved him."

  Damian's eyes get huge and he lunges toward me, knocking his guitar into the sand. He grabs both my arms and says sternly, "Don't say that. Don't you dare say that."

  "Just promise me, please. I can't do this if you don't promise."

  He lets me go, looks into my eyes, and nods. "I promise, Keats."

  "Thanks. I'm gonna go back to my room. Try to get a little sleep before--well, just before . . ."

  Sunday, November 27th

  I wish none of us had to leave.

  6am

  I dozed off at some point, but the clock is still ticking in my brain and I can't lie here any longer.

  I wander down to the beach and find Damian still out in the cabana, asleep.

  I go up to the house and grab a few of Inga's homemade oatmeal cookies and two cups of coffee and carry them out to the sand and wake him up.

  "Shit," he says. "I can't believe I fell asleep out here."

  I look out at the sky brightening as the sun rises behind us. "I didn't tell you, but something happened last night."

  "Besides the call from Brook?"

  "Yeah. I saw the green flash."

  "You always say that."

  "No, for real. We both saw it."

  "You're totally in love with him."

  "Yeah, pretty much."

  "So why would you even want to give B a chance?"

  "Because I promised."

  "But why did you do that?"

  "Because, Damian, he's the boy I've always dreamed about."

  "And now, if they were both standing in front of you and you had to choose, who would you pick?"

  "I had a dream like that. You were in it, but you were a wolf. We were all humans trapped in wolves bodies and I had to choose between the Brooklyn wolf and Aiden wolf. And I think you helped me somehow, because when I kissed one of them, I chose right. It was true love's kiss, it broke the curse, and all the wolves turned back into men."

  "But you don't know who you kissed?"

  "No."

  "So what does that tell you?"

  "I don't know."

  "I do," he says confidently. "It tells you that when the time is right, you'll make the right choice. Maybe that's the momentous decision you'll have to make. But still, I think you're making a mistake right now. I think you should be looking forward, not looking back."

  "I am looking forward. I have to get my life back."

  "I think you should go back to school."

  "If I do that, you can't date Peyton."

  "This sucks," he says, running his hands down the sides of his face. "So you're really going to do it? You're going to put him on the plane and say goodbye?"

  "I have to, Damian."

  "So where are you going?"

  "I'm going to stay here for a few more days, if that's okay. I'll spend some time online looking at farm properties that I can lease quickly. I had originally thought I'd go somewhere in the Midwest, but now I'm leaning toward Texas. Did you know that in Texas if someone comes on your property, like trespasses, you can legally shoot them? Well, at least I think so. I need to look and see if it's an actual law or if it's just Grandpa's bullshitting, but I do know they are a very gun-friendly state."

  "So your plan is to learn how to shoot, then lure Vincent to Texas, where you will then shoot him for trespassing and it will be over?"

  "Oh, I never thought of that. That's a really good idea. And one that wouldn't require the mob or jail time."

  "Do you have other ideas?"

  "I have a whole lot of ideas. One of which is just walking into Vincent's office and telling him I want to audition for his movie. See what happens."

  "Keatyn, fuck! You can't do that!"

  "I love you, Damian, you know that. But, in this, only I have a say about what I can or can't do. When I saw Vincent in Vancouver, I wasn't so much scared as I was pissed."

  "You weren't scared?"

  I roll my eyes at him. "Fine. I was scared. Really scared. But I was really mad too. And the mad is starting to take over."

  "You're mad because you want to be with Aiden."

  "My life is unsettled because of Vincent. I'm mad because I can't see my family. I'm mad because my mom is freaking out scared. She's losing weight. Won't ride anywhere with Tommy. Thinks Vincent is going to kill them both. My own family was afraid of me. They were afraid I brought Vincent to them."

  "But you would never do that."

  "But, yet, I almost did. He was headed there. He had men on the plane with him. Men who looked like Garrett."

  "Garrett scares me a little."

  "He's been really nice to me. But tough, you know. And I love Cooper."

  "He's the bodyguard?"

  "Yeah, he's a badass. And it's really sad. His older sister was killed by a stalker--in fact it happened at Thanksgiving time."

  Damian looks like he just got the wind knocked out of him.

  "I would seriously die if anything happened to you. You always have been and always will be my best friend."

  "I thought about faking my death. Even about killing myself."

  Damian's eyes get huge and he grabs my shoulders and shakes me. "Tell me that is not part of your plan."

  "It's not. I don't think it's just about me anymore. James said something about Vincent wanting both me and Mom. I'm positive there's stuff going on that they aren't telling me. So my being gone wouldn't solve my family's problems."

  Unless I take Vincent down with me, I think, but don't dare say out loud.

  "This is all just crazy."

  "Yeah, it is."

  He gives me a hug and says, "I'm gonna go shower before Peyton wakes up. There's a lot I need to tell her. And you need to talk to Aiden. When are you going to tell him?"

  "Right before you leave for the airport. I'll tell him and just not go with."

  "You think he's going to accept that?"

  "That's the other thing I need you to do, Damian. Make sure he gets on that plane and goes home."

  I move from the cabana to go sit in the sand. I close my eyes, sit still, and just breathe.

  I need to say something to Peyton about not going back too.

  But I can't come up with anything.

  The truth is, I don't want her to go back to Eastbrooke without me. I don't want to miss dancing during basketball season, or our competition, or the first big snowstorm, or winter formal, or French weekend . . .

  "Hey," Peyton says, sitting down beside me. "You're up early."

  "Yeah."

  "I can't believe it's already time to leave. Have you seen Damian this morning?"

  "Yeah, he went to shower a little bit ago."

  "He says he's writing me a song."

  "He is. He was working on it last night on the beach after you went to sleep."

  "We slept together," she whispers. "And he wasn't there this morning."

  "That doesn't mean what you think it does. Damian is creative and driven and when he's inspired, he has to get it out of him."

  "So does he write every girl a song? Is that, like, his thing?" She sighs.

  I think to when I asked Aiden if he brought every girl lunch, or clovers, or cake.

  "No, it's not his thing. He's never written a love song before."

  "Sure he has." She quotes, "Her eyes get bright every time he's around. The ocean waves beat out her heart's sound. Their love begins as a ripple and grows into a tidal wave. But he'd surf through uncertainty just to see that gaze. Oh baby, if you only knew, Oh, baby, the feelings I have for you, Oh baby, if you could only see, Oh, baby, it needs to be you and me. He's totally got a crush on som
eone. Or has a girlfriend. Or something."

  "One, I would've told you if he had a girlfriend. And two, that song is about me."

  "He's in love with you?"

  "No, silly. It's about me and the surfer guy. We were friends for a couple years before we got together and supposedly everyone could see we were in love."

  "What about forget about him, come surf the crowd with me, it ain't the water, but baby it's plain to see--" She stops. "That song really resonates with me. About how she's popular but no one sees that she cries herself to sleep."

  "Remember I told you on the plane about how I became the biggest bitch ever?"

  "Yeah . . . So that song's about you too?"

  "Inspired by what happened, yes."

  "Does he have a secret crush on you?"

  "Damian is like my brother. Absolutely no crushing. Well, except for the big one he has on you."

  She gives me a blazing smile. "Do you think so?"

  "I know so."

  "He says he wants to see me again. That this isn't just a vacation hookup and that it's the start of an epic romance."

  "He's not like other guys, Peyton. He's honest and he doesn't play games. He's the kind of guy you can trust. And now that he's back in the states, he'll probably be all over the internet, so you can keep an eye on him."

  "I'm not going to stalk him."

  "Annie says it's not stalking, it's research. Nothing wrong with that." I tease. "So, are you all packed?"

  "Yeah, but I don't want to leave here," she says quietly.

  I see Aiden walking toward us and say, "I wish none of us had to leave."

  "I'm all packed," he says, sitting down next to us.

  Peyton's phone dings. "Oh, I have to go," she says and then rushes off.

  Aiden seems lost in thought. He keeps tilting his head like he wants to ask me a question but doesn't know if he should.

  "What?" I finally say.

  "Can I ask you a question about your ex?"

  "Uh, sure."

  "If he loves you, why aren't you together? Why doesn't he come see you at school? Why aren't you at his competitions? Like, this weekend. You were off school. Why didn't you go watch?"

  "Uh, well, because I'm not allowed to see him."

  "But yet you have. You saw him on Labor Day break before you went to the Hamptons. And then again when you went to the birthday party."

  "Yeah, but we weren't supposed to see each other."

  "Do your parents not like him?"

  "No, my family likes him. It's complicated, Aiden."

  "I'm sure it is, but I need to understand."