by Angel Devlin
“You think if she marries someone else and has their babies you’re not going to lose her anyway to a large extent? Can you manage an occasional quick phone call in between her chasing a toddler around the place? Can you imagine her pregnant with another man’s child?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer. He just clasps my shoulder on his way out, gives it a squeeze and leaves me to it.
It’s nine pm when I get a text.
Kay-bear: You still at work? Banging a chick? You’re very quiet today.
God, what do I put? I ponder for a moment.
Hot stuff: Been having pizza with Brandon. Just tired. Had to rescue a cat today. The tree was a big un.
Kay-bear: You complaining being around pussy? That’s a new one.
Hot stuff: Maybe I’ve gone allergic…
Kay-bear: You okay?
Hot stuff: Yeah. Like I said… tired.
Kay-bear: I’ll let you sleep.
Hot stuff: No, body tired, not brain tired. How’d coffee go?
Kay-bear: It was okay. It’s like he doesn’t realise any time has passed at all. Like he thinks he can pick up where we left off.
Hot stuff: Did you tell him to fuck off?
Kay-bear: No because I have to work with the guy for the next few months so I need to keep things civil. Also, what if there is still something there? I don’t want to dismiss him after just a coffee. We were good once.
No you weren’t. I think, but I type instead…
Hot stuff: So what’s next?
Kay-bear: He asked me out to dinner, so I’m going to do that. Spend a bit more time with him, see how I feel. I don’t think we have a future, but I need to gather more evidence. I know one thing though…
Hot stuff: What’s that?
Kay-bear: All these dates and wasted time. That’s what it all is. Wasted time. I wanted three kids, Aid. Three. I’m almost thirty. It’s days away. If this is another closed avenue then I’m doing the sperm donation. I wanted to conceive romantically by candlelight, but you know what, I’ll light my own fucking candles. I’m done waiting, Aid. Done.
Before I can type a reply, she sends another text.
Kay-bear: Fuck. Said I’d ring my mother. I’ll speak to you soon. Don’t forget tomorrow night I’m out with Phillip if I don’t get chance to text. xo
It was already happening. She hadn’t even done more than have coffee with the guy and my contact with her was lessening. I needed to tell her how I felt, but only if things didn’t work out with dickhead. Kaylie’s happiness came before my own. Always had. Always would.
Her thirtieth was on Saturday and I hoped that he wouldn’t be there that night by her side, because it was my place.
Mine.
11
Kaylie
Not wanting to look like I’ve made too much of an effort, I drag on one of my trusty baggy outfits that Aiden hates and head out towards the restaurant. In true Phillip style, it’s one he chose. He never was one to let me have my own mind, something I have plenty of these days, especially with the decision I finally made yesterday about my future possible pregnancy. So what if fate hasn’t been on my side? If Phillip can’t prove to me that he is actually serious about us having a second chance, then I’ll be heading directly for the sperm bank very soon after my birthday. I will not hit thirty-one and not at least be pregnant.
“Reservation for Harrington?” I ask as I walk up towards the maître d’.
“You’re the first. Follow me, please.” I follow his lead, glancing around at all the couples enjoying themselves around the restaurant. “Can I get you a drink?”
“A chardonnay, please. A large one.” I figure that if I’ve got to wait, I may as well enjoy myself.
The minutes tick by and my phone sits silently on the table as I drain my glass and pop the last olive I ordered into my mouth.
He’s almost an hour late and he’s not answering his phone.
I’m contemplating either ordering anyway seeing as I’m fucking starving or leaving and getting a greasy kebab on the way home, when an eruption of excitement comes from the corner of the restaurant. When I look over, there’s a man down on one knee holding the hand of his shocked and sobbing girlfriend.
He says something to her which makes her cry harder before he slides a ring up her finger.
My stomach drops. Will that ever be me? Will I get my happily ever after or am I destined to spend the rest of my life alone with horrendous dates?
Deciding on spending the rest of the night alone with only a kebab to keep me company, I push the chair out behind me and reach to grab my bag from the floor.
“Kaykay, I’m so fucking sorry. I got caught on the phone with my father and then the fucking Tube just stopped between platforms. Just a fucking disaster. But I’m here now.”
I should be glad he made it, right? I shouldn’t be mourning the loss of my kebab I’d decided on.
“Ah good. I see you started without me.” He nods towards my empty glass and little dish as he sits and grabs the menu waiting for him.
The waiter comes rushing over. He probably had a bet going with the others about how long I was prepared to wait.
“Can I get you a drink, sir?”
“Please could I have a glass of Châteauneuf-du-Pape.”
“I’m sorry, sir. We only sell that by the bottle.”
Phillip lets out a frustrated sigh before agreeing to a bottle and making a show of being seriously put out. “You’ll have a glass with me.” No question, just a demand. It’s a harsh reminder of my old life.
“No, I don’t like red.”
“You used to.”
I cringe at the reminder of what a pathetic cow I used to be. “No, Phillip, I’ve never liked it. I just used to play along to make you happy. I’m not that woman anymore. I’ve learnt there’s more to life than making a man happy to your own detriment.”
His mouth opens and closes, doing a great goldfish impression as he tries to figure out what to say.
“Well, I’m glad you made use of the past six years.”
“What’s that meant to mean?”
“You’ve clearly used the time to find yourself. That’s admirable.”
I snort in disbelief, my eyes threatening to pop out once again. “Is it?”
“I didn’t mean it offensively.”
“Good to know.”
Thankfully, the waiter reappears with our drinks and makes a show of pouring a little of Phillip’s pretentious wine choice into his glass. The pompous prick swirls it around before sniffing it and taking a sip to see if he approves. Of course, he may well have had a wine education since I last saw him, but I very much doubt it. This is all just a fucking show and all it achieves is to get my back up even more.
“Are you ready to order your food?” The waiter pulls his pad out of his apron after depositing his corkscrew.
“Yes, I’ll have the fillet steak, rare of course. And she’ll have the salmon.”
“Excuse me? I’m more than capable of ordering my own dinner.”
The waiter blushes as I stare daggers at Phillip. I wanted to believe that maybe he was right and he’s changed over the past six years, but it seems like he’s just as big a control freak as I remember.
“I’ll also have the fillet steak, but medium-rare for me please.”
Phillip waits for the waiter to be out of earshot before he speaks. “You don’t like steak.”
“No, I don’t like red wine. I’ve always liked steak.” It’s a lie. I’m not really that keen but I remember him telling me that it’s a man’s meal and a lady should have something more delicate. Hence why I just ordered it. In reality, I’d have been more than happy with the salmon he wanted me to have, not that I’ll ever admit that to him.
Phillip changes the subject to work and he chats about his first two days. I get to hear about each of his classes and his first impressions of every member of staff, none of which is too glowing. He always was a judgemental arsehole. I’m starting to question my younger
self even more than I already was. I truly thought this guy was it for me.
The rest of the meal drags but thankfully they have an incredible chocolate fondant for dessert which perks things up a little.
“Shall we take this back to my place?” Phillip asks with a glint in his eye after he’s paid the bill and escorts me out of the restaurant with his hand in the small of my back like he owns me.
“Um…” I stall, trying to come up with a decent excuse. “I promised my roommate I’d go home to help her with something.”
“Can’t you put her off until tomorrow night? It would be great for us to get properly reacquainted.”
My stomach turns at the thought. I gave this guy my fucking virginity, that should be enough.
“I’m sorry. It has to be tonight. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, yeah?”
Just at the perfect moment, a black cab drives around the corner and when I stick my hand out, he pulls over. I hop in before Phillip has a chance to stop me, and I tell the driver to step on it.
Walking in my flat, I’m greeted with silence. Kicking off my heels, I hang my coat and scarf on the hook by the front door.
Continuing down to my bedroom I shed my clothes in favour of my pyjamas. After getting myself a glass of water, I grab my laptop and tuck myself into bed. I try not to date on weeknights knowing I’ve got a room full of kids to deal with in the morning, but I made an exception tonight for Phillip knowing he’d also have the same prospect in the morning. I drink down half the water, wishing it was more wine. Anything to help wash away the memories of tonight.
I click on my bookmarks once my computer’s powered up and find the sperm bank website I’ve looked at more times than I want to admit over the past few weeks.
Feeling brave after tonight’s disaster, I pull up the contact page and send an enquiry. I told myself that if tonight went tits up that this was my next step and I don’t intend on backing down now.
I’m on edge all day waiting for a response. Between that and not getting a reply when I messaged Aiden telling him what I’d done, I’m an anxious wreck. I know he’s not happy about me even considering the sperm donor route but surely he’s not so unhappy about it that he’s going to ignore me. Is he?
It’s just after lunch when distraction comes but it’s really not the kind I’d ever wish for. My class is in the middle of silent reading time when screams filter down from one of the other classrooms swiftly followed by the fire alarm.
With my heart in my throat I try to calmly lead my kids out of the room and onto the assembly point out on the playground.
They might only be five and six but one look at the smoke pluming from the other end of the building and they go silent. They know as well as I do that this isn’t a drill. I spy what looks like a child’s face at the far window.
Knowing that I need to do something, I thrust the emergency register at my PA and go running into the building.
“Kaylie, what the hell are you doing?” she screams as I run as fast as my legs will carry me.
I know it’s against all the rules but the thought of anyone in that classroom being stuck terrifies me enough to risk my own life. I’d give mine for a child’s any day of the week.
The door handle is burning hot when I go to twist it, but seeing the flames inside, I use my cardigan to open it without burning myself.
I hesitate at the door for a few seconds, but the second I hear a scream I jump into action. Pulling the fabric up to cover my mouth and nose, I storm into the room to see if I can find anyone.
The smoke burns my eyes almost immediately, making it hard to see anything, but I don’t stop. There are kids in here and I owe it to them to at least try to save them.
My lungs are burning, tears streaming down my face but eventually I find a group of five kids huddled in the corner shaking and screaming in fear.
“It’s okay,” I shout over the noise of the fire crackling behind us. “I’ve got you.” My throat burns as I try to instruct them to get out, but a loud crack sounds out before a thunderous crash makes us all squeal. Part of the ceiling caves in, blocking our way out and it’s the first time I allow any real panic to settle in me. Adrenaline got me this far but seeing as I’ve now got nowhere to turn, I start to freak out. My chest heaves as I try to drag in any oxygen left in the room as the five kids cling to me for dear life.
“It’ll be okay. They’ll rescue us. We’ll be fine,” I say, though I don’t know if it’s the truth.
12
Aiden
I’m enjoying a bacon sandwich when the call comes in. Fire at Kaylie’s school. My heart thumps in my chest so bad I think it’s going to come up and out of my throat. I have to forget she could be there right now, it’s time to focus my mind on the procedures. One mistake can cost one of my fire family member’s lives.
We’re on our way, sirens blazing. More information comes in that it’s a classroom and part of a roof has collapsed. Children and a teacher are trapped inside. I don’t even wish it was Phillip. There are kids trapped. This cannot be a day where kids die, it can’t.
We’re on scene and tackling the blaze and I see him. Dickhead. To be fair he does look pale and worried, but I can’t see Kaylie. I cannot fucking see Kaylie. But again, it doesn’t matter who is behind that door right now. Just that we get them out.
“Let’s do this.” Our gaffer shouts and we’re shouting for people to keep clear of the door and we’re breaking it down…
There’s so much smoke but we can see that Kaylie is on the floor with five kids, keeping them low. She has them next to a vent. Their skin is black and I can tell they’re all struggling. Then we have masks on them and they’re being carried out.
I wrap Kaylie in my arms, thankful that she’s alive and as I think that, she falls unconscious.
She’s placed in an ambulance but I can’t go with her. I’ve called her mother and told her where she’s headed. Now I have to make sure the fire is securely out and then I’ll be asking my boss if I can go straight to the hospital.
Once the area is completely secure, we start to do our origin investigation. “It looks like it started in the stockroom. Go and speak to whoever’s classroom it is, see if they can shed any light on it, Aiden.”
I reach outside and pull off my helmet. A middle-aged woman comes running over to me, introducing herself as the headteacher. “Can you tell me whose classroom it is please, ma’am. I need to ask them some questions.” I say, interrupting her own conversation.
“Of course. Of course. Mr Harrington. Could you come over?”
Fuck my life. It’s dipshit’s classroom.
He walks over in the haughty manner I remember. “Do I know you?” he says. “You look familiar.”
“If you could just answer some questions for me please, sir. I understand it’s your classroom. Do you have any idea what could have started the blaze?”
“No. I’m afraid not. I smelled burning and got the children out of the classroom and sounded the fire alarm. I don’t know how the other children got in there. Miss Hale was outside with me and made the foolish decision to run back in the building instead of waiting for you to arrive.”
I want to kill him with my bare hands. Except they’re currently covered in gloves.
“Excuse me.” I turn to face a teacher holding a child’s hand. The kid looks around eleven years old.
“Yes?” I ask.
“Could we have a word in private please, about the fire?”
“Sure. Excuse me a moment.” I say to the headmistress and fucktard.
“This is William. He was in the classroom this morning. He said that it was supposed to be maths, but the teacher said that this morning they could have a free period and go on the computers. William says that Mr Harrington went out of the classroom for a considerable period of time and Coby Everett and Kenzie Smyth went into the stock room because they’d found some cigarettes and a packet of matches.”
“Carry on.”
“Will I get
into trouble for telling you?” William’s lip wobbles.
“Not at all. Scout’s honour. Tell you what. How about a look around the station sometime? Bring some friends. You can go on the appliances.”
He nods his head vigorously.
“They got the matches and cigarettes from the floor near Mr Harrington’s chair. He was gone ages. When he came back, they’d started the fire. He smelled burning and told us all to get out and he tried to count us but I kept telling him we weren’t all there. Some of the girls were frightened and had hidden behind the curtain. He wouldn’t listen.”
“You are a very brave boy for trying to rescue your classmates and I’ll be recommending you for an award, young man. Now let your teacher take you back to where children are meeting their parents.” I nodded to the teacher with him. Then as soon as they’ve left, I walk over to the police officers on scene.
I watch as they approach Phillip. Watch him check his pockets. Watch the realisation dawn. What a fucking idiot.
But I have no more time for him. Back at the station I change as quickly as I can and then I’m off to the hospital, hoping that Kaylie is going to be okay.
I find Kaylie’s brother Jenson in the waiting room and envelope him in my arms.
“Fuck, man. Mum says you brought her out of the building. I can’t thank you enough.”
When I look he’s in tears.
“How is she?”
“Doing okay. They need to assess her for twenty-four hours for the smoke inhalation. But her sputum was clear and whatever other tests they banged on about. Said she’ll have a cough for a day or two, but if all goes okay she’ll be out tomorrow afternoon.”