by Adrian Laing
“Listen. All of you listen. We’re playing a game. That’s OK. I know how to play games; I play games all the time. Mark you’re shit and you know you’re shit. Betty you’re fat and you know it. Davy you’re tired brother, real tired. Katie you’re lucky that’s all and nothing wrong with that. Enjoy it while it lasts. But with me, I’m just so screwed up from start to finish I don’t even know who I am half the time. So, I thought I’d save you all the bother of saying things to me I don’t want to hear, I’ll just talk to myself – whoever that it is. I’m a mess, a total mess inside and out.”
Mandy’s speech was met with a respectful pause, as if the group wasn’t quite sure of the rules any more, as if in a dream and afraid to test out whether the dream was real, or not.
Davy felt sort of stoned but without any drugs involved; it was quite surreal.
“You’re screwed up girl because that’s where you’re at. Is anyone here saying to you, ‘hey you’re screwed up’? That’s the game here, let me give this to you right between your eyes. There ain’t nothing wrong with you at all. You’re OK. That’s about the worst thing I can imagine you hearing. Everybody tells you that you’re screwed up. But you ain’t. Here’s the truth girl, there ain’t nothing wrong with you at all. You’re a fake. Have some of that, honey.”
Davy sat back looking quite content with himself and folded his arms as if to say ‘I’m done’.
“OK,” said Helen, “that’s real – I mean real – progress. Honestly, you lot really astonish me. I’ve had sessions where it can take hours to reach this point; you are a very talented group.”
Betty, Davy, Mandy, Katie and Mark looked at Helen as if she was a parent gate-crashing a teenage party and turning the lights on.
Mandy was first to challenge Helen. “I thought the idea was to be – you know – as rude to each other as we could be, to say things we wouldn’t usually hear. But you’re now being like nice to us. What’s the game, Helen, I’m confused. We were just warming up.”
“Yes, sorry for that. It is confusing. This game, as I said at the beginning, is in two parts. The first part is over; the second part, which has already started, is for each of you to say nice things to each other. As nice as you can. Then you’ll realise how false this nonsense is that you hear day in day out. You’re all beautiful, talented, caring people. See, I’ve already started.”
22
Helen, David and JC were in David’s office sitting with Betty as they had the first day she had arrived. “Well, Betty, your last day, you look great.” Helen felt quite attached to Betty and the affection was obvious.
“You’re not just saying that, are you? I mean this isn’t a game, like yesterday?”
“Betty, you would know if it was, because I would tell you. It’s not a game, well not the same game, if you know what I mean. You’ve been through quite a lot since you arrived, Betty.”
Betty sighed. “That’s an understatement, Helen. I mean what with the episode over the ponds – jeez that was a hoot. The sessions with Gootsy – those I’ll never forget; what a riot.”
“And what was your favourite session?” asked David.
Betty took her time. “Hmm, tough one, David. It’s got to be a toss up between the Gootsy laughing session – the one where he freaked out Huck – and the rebirthing, you know my rebirthing. That was something else.”
JC was keen to let Betty know that he too had grown since Betty’s arrival. “Betty, I guess I owe you an apology. When you first arrived I had in mind that your issue was simply about more exercise and less eating.”
Betty interrupted JC before he could go any further. “And so it is, JC.”
“Yeah, but I remember you saying when you first arrived that you decided to come here because you’d heard that The Place gets inside your head. Was that the expression you used?”
“JC, I remember it well, and yes that’s true as well. Time will tell. This time I’m more confident about myself, I feel I understand myself a lot better and I want to shock you all in a few weeks and show you the new Betty – you wait.”
Helen looked a little sombre. “Betty, there is something I want to tell you, it takes a bit of courage from my side. But please don’t be angry or upset.”
Betty looked at Helen and smiled. “Helen, I think I know what you’re going to say. I’ll make it easy for you. I know what happened in the Metti session. It was a set up. I’ll tell you something. It was Mark who told me. It’s OK. I understand that you wanted me to feel like a winner at something, and you know what, it did work.”
Betty stood up and gave Helen a big hug and they held on to each for what seemed like a long time.
“OK,” said Helen, “are you ready, Betty?”
“Sure am, Helen,” said Betty knowing from experience that her leaving do would be something special.
As Betty left, David closed the door and spoke in a solemn voice.
“OK, this might be a good time to update you on the Sunday News front. We’ve all read through the material, several times. It’s pretty sensational stuff. It’s highly damaging, completely libellous and unfortunately absolutely true, very accurate I have to say. I guess what I’m saying is that we’re kinda played out. You know when you see the Tsunami coming, you either run or face up to it. I suggest we sit tight and roll with the blows.”
“So, as I said all along dad, we’re stuffed.” JC didn’t look too impressed. He had thought that no matter what, his dad would come up with something.
“Well, I think it’s a bit of publicity. They had to concede that Helen’s qualifications are kosher – I mean I think they were quite disappointed when they realised that Tallinn University was for real. OK, there’s the bit about Helen’s indiscretions when she was a lot younger and of course my time out at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, but I reckon we’ll be OK.”
JC looked as if he’d just been whacked around the head. “You reckon we’ll be OK? I reckon we’ll be screwed, shut down, arrested and…”
“Listen, JC,” said Helen firmly, “your dad once said to me if a man pulls a gun on you there’s no need to show fear. You’re either going to die or you’re not. Either way, what’s the point in showing any fear? In fact, if I remember correctly David, you said such moments are to be relished. Wasn’t that what you said – ‘relished’?”
“Yep, Helen, that’s what I said. Relished. Listen JC, I know it may seem bad right now, but you’re simply worried about what may happen, that’s all. I mean it’s what we tell our guests all the time isn’t it?” David smiled. “You know the line JC. ‘Don’t worry, be happy.’”
JC tried to raise a smile. “OK, dad, I get it. I think.”
***
“Listen, everyone please.” Helen collected the attention of the small group – Betty, Davy, Mandy, Katie, Mark, David and JC who were waiting patiently in the garden of The Place knowing that Betty’s ‘Graduation Ceremony’ was imminent.
“Betty has been a star pupil here at The Place. She has been through more than most and has stayed the course. I’ve had confirmed that in the few days – and it has only been a few days you know – Betty has lost over ten pounds in weight.”
The small group managed to make quite a racket, whooping and cheering.
“But,” continued Helen, “it’s not about what Betty has lost, but what she has gained. In that respect Betty has gained so much; it’s really incredible. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It’s about confidence, inner strength, self-restraint… it’s about a whole new perspective of herself. You are a very special lady, Betty. Thank you for coming here and sharing with us, it’s been a pleasure, it really has. Now before Betty says a few words – if she wants to of course – I’ve another special person who has come here to present Betty with our leaving present.”
Helen turned round to introduce Diane, a very young-looking girl who couldn’t have been more than fifteen or sixteen
years old.
Betty placed her hands around her mouth and screamed with obvious delight.
“This young lady, Diane, is Betty’s daughter. Isn’t she beautiful?”
Young Diane blushed and held out a large, carefully wrapped present towards her mum, Betty.
“I’m so proud of you mum, this is for you.” Diane sounded as sweet as she looked; there was no doubt about that. Betty stepped up and hugged her daughter as they wiped away each others’ tears and laughed, nervously.
“I can’t tell you how happy, really happy, I am. It’s just so great to have Diane here.” Betty and Diane hugged again but Diane was keen for Betty to reveal her present, which Betty ceremoniously did.
Inside the box was a very small package indeed. Betty unwrapped it carefully to reveal a stunning, designer, glossy black, Lycra bathing suit. Betty read out the note that was attached to it.
“Size 12 or thereabouts. For the real Betty, when she’s ready.”
Betty looked at the group and belted out an uninhibited laugh.
“When I’m ready? Sure enough, I will be. Helen, that’s a wonderful idea and a great present. I will wear it soon. In fact I think I better get on with it, otherwise Huck – I mean Dolly – will be after it. Thank you, thank all of you.”
“We’re not finished, yet,” said Helen as she wrapped around Betty’s head a red, white and blue striped ribbon, attached to a glittering, gold-looking medal.
“This medal says, Betty, that you’re a winner. I’m awarding it to you because you really are a winner, and always will be. Good luck.” Helen stood back and applauded Betty as did the others, a long and genuine applause.
Betty studied the heavy object and turned the medal over to read the words ‘Betty: A Winner’, and held back the tears. Betty turned towards her daughter who was staring at the small group trying to figure out why the faces looked sort of familiar as it was only Katie and Mandy who Diane could put a name to.
“Diane, I can’t tell you how much it means to me for you to come here. Friends?”
23
“I’m so glad you agreed to let me share with you, Katie. I wasn’t sure whether you would agree to, or not. Thanks.” Mandy wasn’t a great fan of Katie Windsor the actress, but was grateful for the company. Besides, Mandy wasn’t that much older than Katie and felt quite safe in her company.
“I’m glad you asked, Mandy. It’s good to have company. I’m still a bit – you know – shaky. It’s good not to have all that pressure and chill a bit. Well, not that I can see much chilling going on in here. I mean, I thought rehab was supposed to be all about self-analysis and stuff like that. Where does the rebirthing come in?”
“That’s nothing Katie. Wait till you get a load of the Gootsy guy.” Mandy wasn’t sure how much to give away.
“Gootsy? What does he do?” Katie asked innocently.
“What does he do? This guy looks like something out of The Rocky Horror Show. I swear he’s as mad as a hatter.”
Katie was feeling a bit confused. “Yeah, OK Mandy, but what does he do? I mean what sort of stuff is he into?” Katie was beginning to worry whether it was just too weird or something for Mandy to be able to describe.
“Gootsy’s thing, Katie is… well… I guess it’s shock laughter therapy or maybe laughter shock therapy, whatever. But that’s nothing compared to the Aaron guy, he’s into regression therapy. Don’t ask. I shared with Annie Young – you know the singer – OK maybe not, the one the papers call ‘Botox Annie’, but anyway after one session with Aaron she thinks she’s the reincarnation of a Greek Goddess or something.”
Katie’s eyes lit up. “Regression Therapy, I read a book about that once. I’m really into all of that, actually. Have you done it, Mandy?”
“Have I done it? The creep – I mean the Aaron creep not the Gootsy creep – had me thinking I was Joan of Arc for goodness sake.”
“Joan of Arc? Could have been worse, you know like Anne Boleyn or Florence Nightingale or… OK come to think of it Joan of Arc is pretty much up there with the worst of it.” Katie looked over at Mandy and asked in a very sincere tone.
“Mandy, tell me, why are you here? I mean I was kinda thrown in here to sober up and get my act together, that’s it really. Funny thing is they want me out to promote the new film which is rightly called Lost Cause but I’m happy to stay for a bit longer. But anyway, what happened to you? You play a soap opera character, don’t you? I mean that’s what you do, isn’t it?”
Mandy took her time in answering, obviously not sure as to how truthful to be.
“Katie, it’s like this. I don’t know how much you know or think you know about me. I seem to be in the tabloids too often for all the wrong reasons. I get a bit mixed up with the character I play who’s a sort of bad ‘un always getting into trouble, fighting, drinking, stealing, lying, scheming, bitching…”
“I get the idea, Mandy…”
“Well, anyway every time I get the script I end up getting into the part so much it sort of takes over my life. I ended up shoplifting – not once Katie but like a habit – and sure enough I got caught and the judge put off the sentencing for reports and suggested I got some treatment which my agent took to mean rehab. I’m on a suspended sentence for the same thing, Katie. I might, you know – actually for real – go to jail.”
“You don’t seem that bothered, Mandy.”
“Well, I don’t know if I am. It’s like I’m a character in a play and whatever the writer comes up with, that’s my lot. I haven’t got much choice about it, really. ‘Que sera, sera’ and all that. The point is that I’m here because my agent and lawyer thought that if I get a sort of ‘good report’ from here, then I might not go to prison. I’m on my best behaviour. I can’t wait to get out, really.”
“That’s pretty real, Mandy. But you know what, every actor, I mean every really good actor I know goes through the same thing. I mean not to the extremes you go through, but it’s a common problem with really good actors and actresses. Mandy, listen to me, what you need to keep sane is to have the right people around you.”
Mandy thought for a moment; there was a knock on the door and in walked Helen.
“Hi, Mandy, hi Katie. Look I know it’s late but if you’re not too tired there’s an opportunity to experience a real natural phenomenon over the Heath.”
Katie and Mandy looked at each other suspiciously.
“You mean like right now – it must be gone midnight, Helen.” Katie really wasn’t sure what to say but Helen, as always, looked so serene and professional both Katie and Mandy were willing to rely on Helen’s judgment.
“I mean, right now ladies. David will drop off some warm clothes in a minute or two. You’re going as a group; there’ll be David, Davy, Mark and you two. I think the time is right for some Nature Bonding Therapy.”
“Nature Bonding Therapy? What does that involve, Helen? I mean are we going to have Gootsy jump out of the bushes in a Halloween mask waving a chainsaw or something like that?” Mandy clearly needed to know.
“Mandy, funny you should ask.” Helen smiled serenely. “Nothing that like, quite the opposite really. I mean the intention is for nothing to happen, just for you to enjoy yourselves. It will be fun, I promise.”
***
“Are you sure we’re allowed to do this?” JC was surprised that Mark was the one who raised concerns over the small fire around which Mandy, Mark, David, Katie and Davy were huddled in the middle of a small group of young fir trees, deep inside Hampstead Heath. It was a bit cold but each member of the group had been given a warm blanket to wrap around themselves; the light pine-scented breeze was quite refreshing.
“No worries on that score, Mark. I know who to speak with, and they’ve been er… spoken with, so please relax, we’re OK.” David leaned backwards and pulled out a few cans of beer from his bag.
“I’ve been speaking wit
h Helen, about her drinking policy and we’ve decided that a total ban is not what we’re about. It’s about learning to drink in moderation, not swinging from one extreme to the other, so a couple of beers are in order, I reckon.” David passed the beers around.
“This is cool, brother. I’ll just fire up, if that’s OK David. Same goes for the smoke, I guess.” Davy pulled out one of the harmless joints Helen had been providing for Davy not noticing the smirk on David’s half lit face.
“So, is this it, David? Sitting round a camp fire in the middle of the night, what kind of therapy do you call that?” Mark sounded almost disappointed that there wasn’t something more exciting in the offing.
David looked at Mark, having anticipated every move that the group was likely to make. Helen was quite clear on that score.
“Well, Mark,” said David taking a long slug from the can of beer, “for some reason, out in the open, away from the stresses and strains of every day life, perhaps just breathing in fresh air, people tend to open up a bit more than they would usually do. If it’s therapy to have an open and honest chat around a camp fire then yes, this is therapy.”
“It’s funny you should say that David, it does seem to feel – I don’t know – safer in some way.” Mandy was enjoying herself; that much was obvious. “You know I’ve never – I mean never ever – sat round an open fire in the dark before. It feels a bit weird but fun. And I can’t believe I’m sitting with Mark Bolland – not that I’m not a great fan of you or Davy or you Katie but you know what I mean.” Mandy stopped, abruptly realising that she might dig herself into an even bigger hole than the one she found herself in.
“No worries sugar I feel the same.” Davy laughed and passed the joint discreetly to Mark who took a small puff.