Aglow

by Michelle Pennington

  She realized that if she wanted to give him a pleasant goodbye, she’d better get rid of her pizza breath. She went upstairs to brush her teeth. This didn’t take long, so she went back downstairs and waited with her eyes fixed on the clock. By 6:35, she couldn’t stand waiting anymore and hoped that he wouldn’t mind if she was a little early.

  She put on her coat and walked across to his house, sticking to the sidewalk so she didn’t get snow in the flats she was wearing again. It was starting to get dark as she walked over, but the streetlight hadn’t come on yet, so she walked carefully to avoid falling on any ice. As she got close to Mark’s driveway, she was puzzled to see an unfamiliar car parked in it. She was wondering who it belonged to as she walked up to the front door.

  She was behind the car when the door opened and she saw Kari and Mark coming outside together. Kari was still putting on her coat and was having trouble getting her arm in the sleeve. Mark helped her find it and waited while she buttoned it up. Ashley stood frozen, watching the scene before her. Mark handed Kari something, saying, “Don’t forget your keys.”

  “Thanks. I wouldn’t have gotten far without them.” Kari laughed musically. “Maybe I should have hidden your keys so you wouldn’t have been able to leave.”

  Ashley didn’t know what Mark would have replied to this, because just then she moved and Mark looked up. He peered into the gathering night and said, “Ashley? Are you there?”

  Realizing that she couldn’t deny it, she walked towards them saying, “Yes. Sorry I’m a little early.”

  “No problem. Come in.” He glanced back at Kari and said, “See you later. Merry Christmas.”

  Kari replied, “Merry Christmas, Mark. I’ll see you when you get back.”

  Mark didn’t wait to see Kari leave. He followed Ashley inside and stood watching her intently as she looked around. The light over the entryway was on, but otherwise, the living room was lit only by a dozen tea light candles. They flickered on the window sills, the top of the television, and on a milk crate tuned over to make an impromptu coffee table in front of the couch.

  Ashley stood motionless, a crushing weight on her heart as she thought of Kari sitting here with Mark. What was going on?

  “Would you like to sit down?” Mark asked softly, taking her hand and leading her to the couch.

  Ashley was so confused that she flinched at his touch, but she sat down. All she could think of was that last night with Derek when she had felt so sure that they were in love, and he had held her and kissed her by candlelight. She had told him she loved him, sure that he would tell her the same. But he hadn’t, he had just kissed her again. It had happened the Saturday night before she’d seen him at church with that other girl and she’d realized that he had been dating both of them all along.

  Had Ashley somehow stumbled into the same situation again?

  She realized that Mark was talking and that she hadn’t heard a word he’d said. She shook herself from her abstraction and asked, “What did you say?”

  “I asked if something was wrong.”

  “No nothing.” She thought for a moment and continued, “Well, my throat hurts a little.” It wasn’t a lie. Her throat was hurting from the effort to not cry.

  “You’re getting that bug, aren’t you? I’m so sorry. I hope you don’t have too miserable a time with it.”

  “Me too.”

  “Can I try to make you feel better?”

  “How are you going to do that?”

  “Like this.” Then Mark put his arms around her and leaned in to kiss her.

  Ashley jumped up, nearly ramming her head into his nose, and took several steps away from the couch.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I…” Ashley didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what to think except that she couldn’t kiss Mark until she knew if he was seeing Kari. But she couldn’t ask him because if she was wrong, he would think she was jealous and didn’t trust him. It might be true, but she didn’t want him to know that. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

  “I hardly ever get sick, and I don’t mind if I do.”

  “Well I mind.”

  Mark still sat on the couch, a searching, bewildered look in his eyes. Ashley tried to think of some way to change the subject. “Are you all ready to go?”

  “Are you anxious for me to leave or something?”

  “What? No! I just wondered…” She chewed on her lip for a second before continuing, “I thought you might not have had time to get everything done since you had company.”

  “I didn’t have that much to do. I planned to spend what time I had left with you. Will you please come sit down again?”

  Ashley shook her head and Mark stood up. He took the few steps that separated them and lifted her chin. “Can I at least look at you?”

  Ashley closed her eyes and bit her lip again to keep it from trembling. Mark’s hands were gripping her shoulders, and even through her own misery, she was aware that Mark was as confused as she was. She didn’t know if that made it better or worse.

  “Please tell me what’s wrong, Ashley.”

  “I don’t feel good. I think I should go home.”

  “But I’m leaving in a few minutes.”

  Her tears could no longer be contained. The ache at the back of her throat became so painful she couldn’t speak.”

  “Oh my gosh, Ashley. Why are you crying?” Mark asked in an urgent, worried voice. “Help me out, here. I don’t know what to do.”

  Since her nose was starting to run, Ashley forced out an answer, “Could you get me a tissue?”

  Mark was gone in a second and returned with a big wad of tissues. Ashley took a couple of them gratefully and wiped her nose. She took a few gulps of air and squashed down the urge to keep crying, even though it made her head feel like it was going to explode.

  “Mark, I’m so sorry, but I feel terrible and I want to go bed.”

  “Ok. Come on. I have time to walk you home.”

  “No, no. I’ll be fine. You go ahead and go. It wouldn’t hurt for you to get there early.”

  Ashley looked up at him and was surprised by the hurt in his eyes. For a moment she thought that maybe she’d gotten everything wrong, but her doubts flooded in again. The night he’d taken Kari back to the church after looking at Christmas lights, he had been gone much longer than necessary. Then tonight he had been texting Kari, probably to arrange a meeting, and had managed to get rid of her long enough for Kari to come over. If she’d come over on time, Kari would have been gone, and she never would have known anything about it.

  “I’m walking you home, Ashley. Please don’t argue with me.”

  “Fine. Can we go?”

  “Yes. Just let me get something first.”

  Ashley walked outside, letting Mark follow her if he wanted to, but not waiting for him. She didn’t take the sidewalk this time, but the shorter way across their yards. The compacted snow had frozen into a solid, bumpy sheet of ice that crackled under their steps. The crushed ice got into her shoes, cold against her warm feet.

  Longing to be alone with her emotions, Ashley hurried as fast as she could without slipping on the ice, but Mark had no problem keeping pace with her. He didn’t try to touch her though, so he must have realized that she didn’t want him to.

  When they went up the steps on the porch however, he took her arm as she reached for the door handle.

  “Ashley, can I at least say good bye to you?”

  Ashley was reluctant to face him, but she forced herself. Funny enough, she needed comfort and longed to throw herself into his arms, but of course, that would be foolish. “Yes, goodbye, Mark. I hope you have a great Christmas with your family.”

  “You too. I hope you get better soon. I’ll call you tomorrow and see how you’re doing, all right?”

  Anxious to get away before she started balling, Ashley agreed and turned towards the door, but Mark pulled her back again.

  “Ashley?”

  She
almost cried out at the distress in his voice. She looked up at him, and despite her own hurt, she couldn’t refuse to let him kiss her. It was a gentle, tentative kiss that made her heart ache, but she couldn’t bring herself to return it.

  “This is for you,” Mark said.

  She saw that he was holding a large, wrapped gift out to her. She took it blindly, whispered a last goodbye and hurried inside.

  Chapter 16

  Hearts Will Be Glowing

  It was the morning of Christmas Eve and Ashley was miserable. Her throat was burning and every time she took a drink it felt like she was swallowing sandpaper. She’d woken up at four in the morning with a headache and fever that kept her from going back to sleep, so she was also exhausted. The ibuprofen that she’d taken hadn’t done much to make her feel better.

  She sat on the couch in the living room, wrapped from head to toe in the warmest blanket she could find, feeling sorry for herself. Everyone else was enjoying her mom’s breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls. Her mom made the same breakfast every year on Christmas Eve, and she was hated to be missing out on it.

  Chloe had strict instructions not to get too close to Ashley, but when Jessica put on a movie for her to watch, she curled up on the floor next to the couch with a pillow under her head so she could be near her aunt. Ashley felt terrible that she was sick and couldn’t play with her, but it was very sweet how the little girl wanted to be close to her.

  When the movie was over, her mom came in and gave her some more ibuprofen to take. Ashley swallowed the pills but doubted that they would do much to help her. She lay there wallowing in self-pity, realizing that this long awaited Christmas was going to be ruined now. And Mark hadn’t called.

  Not that she wanted to talk to him, but he’d promised that he would.

  Her mom brought some cough drops, tissues and a glass of water in to her and put them on the end table next to the couch. Then she took Ashley’s temperature, shaking her head over the thermometer when it beeped. “Are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable in bed?”

  “I’d rather stay down here if nobody minds. I don’t want to completely miss out on Christmas.”

  Her mom nodded in understanding and smoothed back the hair that had fallen over Ashley’s flushed face. It was sweet of her mom to fuss over her because Ashley knew how many things her mom needed to do besides take care of her. When her mom had gone away again, Ashley got one of the cough drops to suck on, and feeling some relief, drifted off to sleep a few minutes later.

  When she woke up, she heard the happy buzzing of laughter and conversation in the kitchen. She could pick out the higher pitched lilt of the kids and the pleasant depth of the men’s voices, but she couldn’t make out much of what they were saying. She realized that she must have slept for a very long time because the light outside was getting dim.

  Determined to be part of the festivities, Ashley dragged herself upstairs. She showered and put on some green pajama pants and an old red t-shirt with a Christmas tree on it. At least she could look festive.

  Ashley picked up her phone and saw that there were no missed calls or texts. She told herself that she didn’t care and was putting her phone down again when it started to ring. It was also set to vibrate, so the sudden ringing and shaking startled her so bad that she screamed and dropped the phone. She grabbed for it, seeing Mark’s name, and answered it.

  When she said hello, she was surprised at how raspy her voice sounded. Mark noticed too. “Ashley? Wow, you sound bad.”

  Her heart thumped at the sound of his voice. How could she be so upset at someone and miss them so bad at the same time? “Yeah, I don’t feel too great.”

  “Well, I guess I’d better not keep you on here for long then. I just wanted to call and check on you. Why don’t you go rest and try to feel better?”

  Ashley wanted to scream at him that she’d feel a lot better if she wasn’t tortured by thoughts of him with Kari in a dark, candlelit room. Instead she said, “Ok. Merry Christmas.”

  “You too. Bye.”

  He hung up and she barely refrained from hurling her phone at the wall. Why had he bothered to call if he wasn’t going to talk? Then she reminded herself that she didn’t want to talk to him and went back downstairs to try and enjoy the evening.

  It turned out to be pretty wretched however, despite her best efforts. She couldn’t eat any of the incredible food or sweet treats that the kitchen was now overflowing with. Some warm apple cider felt good on her throat, but that was the only nourishment she got. When the family moved into the living room, she sat in the recliner, listening to them talk and sing Christmas carols, wishing she could join them.

  Everyone was sweet, trying to include her and cheer her up, but Ashley got more and more depressed as the evening went on. She envied Shawn who was well again in time for the festivities. She kept dwelling on how she wasn’t enjoying this Christmas that she’d waited so long for.

  The only part she enjoyed was hearing her dad read the nativity story from the second chapter of Luke and her mom read Twas the Night Before Christmas. She watched her nephew and nieces faces as they were enthralled by both, and knew that they would have the same precious memories of Christmas that she treasured from her own childhood.

  Justin and Kayla’s family was sleeping over so that they could have one big, crowded Christmas morning. After the stockings were hung and family prayer was said, the kids were taken upstairs to bed. They were given firm instructions to go to sleep so that Santa could come. It took a while for them to settle down, but at last the upstairs grew quiet and the adults got to work.

  Ashley’s eyes drifted shut, but she was still awake enough to register the busy efforts going on around her. She heard people asking for screwdrivers, asking if so and so had remembered to buy batteries, and discussing how best to arrange everything. Her mom came over and asked her if she needed anything or if she wanted to go upstairs. Ashley shook her head no, not even trying to open her eyes. Eventually, everything grew quiet and Ashley went to sleep.

  She didn’t sleep for long however. With her head hurting again, Ashley opened her eyes and tried to wake up enough to go take something for it.

  The living room was dark since even the lights on the tree were turned off. She could distantly see Santa’s offerings in the shadows around the tree, recognizing the outlines of Becca’s doll house and a bicycle among them. The long line of stockings that hung from the mantle were bulging and overflowing with goodies she couldn’t make out.

  The only light in the room was from a flameless tea light candle. She suspected that her mom had left it on in case she needed to get up. The candle was on the bookcase that sat near the recliner where she lay. Her mom displayed her treasured ceramic nativity set on the bookcase, and the candle lit up the stable. Ashley’s eyes were drawn to it.

  As she studied the familiar figures kneeling around the infant in the manger, she felt a sense of peace warming the cold knot of misery in her chest. Remembering a scripture that had been quoted in one of the talks on Sunday, Ashley turned on the lamp next to her and found the bible that her dad always kept near his chair.

  She thumbed through the book of John, which was all she could remember of the reference, until she found what she was looking for. It was the 46th verse of the 12th chapter. She read it in a whisper that seemed loud in the quiet house. “I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness.”

  The words reverberated within her. The depression that filled her could definitely be described as darkness. She realized that she had been so upset at missing all of the Christmas celebrations because she was sick and worrying about Mark that she had managed to miss the whole point of Christmas.

  Sure she had listened to the nativity story when her dad read it, and listened to her family sing “Silent Night” and “Away in a Manger,” but she hadn’t internalized any of it. It had done little to improve her bad mood.

  Yet there before her was a g
lowing reminder of what it all meant. Jesus Christ was the light of the world, and faith in him dispelled all darkness. She put the bible down, turned off the lamp, and sat for a long time, looking at the infant Jesus depicted in the manger scene. She began to feel comforted. Her depression gave way to hope and joy, and despite her aching head and sore throat, she even began to look forward to the morning. She knew that she would now be able to remember the reason for the love and happiness that made Christmas so special.

  After a little while, she felt herself getting drowsy again, so she took some more ibuprofen, grabbed a cough drop and settled down to rest. Her thoughts turned to Mark and the new peace within her helped her realize why she was so hurt. She was in love with him, and she was desperately afraid that he didn’t love her back. She had focused on anything that would point in that direction.

  She remembered the gift he’d given her the night before. Maybe it would be a sign that he did return her feelings. But where was it? She went upstairs, feeling her way slowly in the dark, to check in her bedroom. She carefully stepped over the little lumps of sleeping bags that held sleeping children and searched in the dark. She didn’t see any unfamiliar shapes so she decided to look for it downstairs.

  Back in the living room, she turned on a lamp and looked everywhere with no success. Then she realized that someone may have stuck it under the tree, and after a little searching, she was rewarded. She picked it up, noticing for the first time how badly wrapped it was, and carried it to the recliner like it was a fragile treasure.

  Mark’s writing on the gift tag was unfamiliar to her, but it seemed to match his personality. He printed clearly with a masculine slant to all the letters. She carefully unwrapped it, smiling at the uneven creases and heavy taping job. She realized that he had remembered her saying she liked to unwrap gifts and had gone to a lot of trouble wrapping this one.