The Relic Box Set

by Ben Zackheim

  I found some vamp targets in my scope. I honed in on one and settled the weapon.

  No wind.

  Clear shot.

  I held my breath. I squeezed the trigger. The kick knocked my eye off the scope but I saw the distant body of my target fall to the grass below.

  I found the scope again and took out vamp number two.

  I lined up a third shot and was about to get it off when the incoming missiles hit. One landed on the driveway below me.

  It wasn’t a missile. It was a massive sphere, about ten feet in diameter, with spikes meant to tear and terrorize.

  I’d seen something like it before, but I didn’t have time to put my head on straight. A dozen more of the things slammed into my home. One of them took out the cherry tree by my front door.

  That pissed me off.

  The last sphere slammed into the roof of the control center behind me.

  It broke through the house like it was clay. The control center was Cassidy’s post.

  I ran to the edge of the crater. “Cassidy!” I yelled.

  No one answered.

  Chapter 14

  “Rebel, go,” I yelled into the mic.

  “On it,” she responded.

  The control room below me was a cloud of dust and broken tech. I couldn’t see Cassidy down there anywhere. He was either under the spiked missile, or…

  “Holy shit,” Cassidy said from the open control room door. He had a Snickers in his hand. Half the chocolate bar dropped out of his mouth as he looked at the ruined room, wide-eyed.

  “Dammit, Cassidy!” I yelled. “Why did you leave your post?”

  “I needed a snack that’s like a meal!” he hollered back, holding up his candy wrapper. “You wanted me to be under that?” He pointed at the huge spiked ball in the middle of the room.

  “No! You’re supposed to… Never mind. That cannonball took out our monitoring system. See what you can do to keep the Perimeter Ring under control.”

  “Pray?”

  I think I growled. He got the point. He stepped over some expensive servers, now junk, and wiped his chocolatey hands on his pants.

  I knew Rebel would let me know what was going on as soon as she could. But I found it tough to stop myself from using the walkie. As I watched the second volley slam my house to pieces I realized that we wouldn’t survive another round.

  “Come on, Rebel,” I said without pressing the Talk button.

  Distant gunfire erupted from the darkness. She’d started. It was up to her to drive them into the Perimeter Ring. From there, we could easily overwhelm them.

  Whether she purposely kept her mic turned on was unclear, but I got to listen to the battle in magnificent mono sound. First, there was the chatter of gunfire. Rebel grunted. She’d been tagged. I knew the sound of Rebel getting tagged. It had happened a few times before. That year.

  “That’s all you’ve got?” she yelled. I could hear the screams of bullies who knew they’d bullied the wrong chick.

  I heard her roll through them. “You’re cute. Sorry. Oh no you didn’t! I’ll take that. Okay, that’s gross. Where did you come from? Yeah, that’s right. Run!”

  “Rebel,” I mumbled. “Remember the plan. Just do it already.”

  She didn’t pay any attention to me. “Daaaaamn, you just shot your own guy!” she yelled at her next target. “That was an accident right?”

  Four shots followed by a lot of grunts and hollow thumps.

  Her laughter was all I needed to know that she’d scared the last of them off. Not an uncommon occurrence.

  “Give me one minute,” she said through the walkie.

  “We don’t have one minute. One more round of those Balls From Hell and we’re dead.”

  “If I had a nickle for…”

  “Rebel!”

  The channel went dead. I hoped that meant she was climbing back into the tunnels that ran underneath the house. She’d followed the plan perfectly so far. Sneak through my underground tunnels, emerge behind the enemy, set a few explosives in ideal spots, then open fire to cause confusion. The final step in the plan would let her do what she loved.

  Make big fire.

  Explosion number one blossomed from the darkness with shocking force. It blew a dozen vamps into the Perimeter Ring. Rapid gunfire from the perimeter guns flooded the area. The hemogoblins didn’t have a chance.

  Explosions two and three went off simultaneously and pushed dozens more toward the house and into the death zone.

  But Rebel saved the real fireworks for last. Every color the human eye can see suddenly flashed all around us. It was like an electrified rainbow. There was a rage to the pops and hisses and massive booms. My home was covered in a charged blanket of energy. Chunks of metal and, well, meaty things flew into the sky.

  Rebel and explosions. Like chocolate and peanut butter. And bacon.

  “Tell me you’re okay,” I said as the boom waned.

  “Was it a show?” she asked from somewhere in the safety of the tunnel.

  “It was a show. Cassidy, how’s the Ring?”

  “It’s almost spent. It took out 87 Vamps. Hold on.”

  I waited for what felt like an hour. I checked the sky for movement.

  “Monitors show no activity on the ground or in the sky,” Cassidy said, the glee seeped out of his words. “No red alerts.”

  “Good job,” I said.

  “Thanks, your majesty,” he said. Laughter. Idiot kid.

  Moonlight gave me just enough coverage to survey the damage. The billowing smoke would set off a few alarms with local officials in the morning. Nothing I couldn’t handle, though. I wondered how many dead undead were hiding in that mess.

  “Jesus Christ,” I heard Rebel say from the driveway below me. She was on the ground level checking out the carnage. She looked up at me and shook her head in disbelief at the carnage. I shrugged. You mess with us and that’s what happened. I’d rather not have gone to bed that night with so many undead deletions on my hands. But I also can’t let anyone get away with Excalibur.

  I pointed to the smoke. “You got a close look at them. Anything new?”

  “They were decked out in riot gear under the white coats. Never seen that before.”

  “Let’s find some survivors and get some questions answered.”

  “No way were there any survivors, Kane. Look at this mess.”

  Which is when I heard a sound from behind me as a vampire landed on the roof. Half her face was blown off and she only had one arm — which embraced an RPG-7.

  Pointed at my head.

  I flinched.

  She jerked violently. Her eyes suddenly opened up wide in surprise. A human hand emerged from her chest with a sickening crunch. The vampire convulsed, went limp and slid off the arm of another vampire.

  The vampire we’d encountered on the motorcycles.

  He kicked his fellow vamp clear over my head like she was a rag doll. Her body fell from the roof and landed in the hands of his giant demon, who loomed high in the parking lot below. The demon took a sniff of her corpse and tore it in two with a roar.

  “You didn’t like her?” I asked the stranger.

  Chapter 15

  Rebel emerged from the shadows of the roof, calmly. The vampire noticed her and nodded politely, then he turned to me.

  “You are Kane,” he said. Somehow his voice sounded hushed even as it surrounded me. Vampire magic. It was used for intimidation, light hypnosis. But put a vampire up against human magic and they tended to back off. That’s why I was happy to have Rebel standing by with a who-knows-what-spell.

  “I thought we’d established my name already,” I said.

  Rebel tapped her fingernails together. That got his attention. His faint smile faded and was replaced with something much more serious. Much more ready for a fight.

  He cleared his throat. “The offer I’m about to make is highly sensitive. Will we be able to keep this civil?” he asked, as if he didn’t just roll onto my property
with an army.

  I stopped myself from tearing into him. I needed to keep my anger under control. He was baiting me. I wouldn’t bite. Winning a battle of wits with a vampire is as decisive as a fight that separates limbs from bodies.

  Rebel wasn’t good at the whole Battle of Wits thing. “Hey asshole,” she said, stepping toward him. “If you think…”

  “Quiet,” I said. “I’ve got this. What can we do for you, kind sir?” I might have said that last part in a bad British accent.

  “Well, I wouldn’t call me kind, but thank you for the greeting. I apologize for the attack. It was not my doing. I came here to warn you about it, but it looks like that’s a job poorly done on my part.”

  “We can take care of ourselves,” Rebel said.

  “Are you sure? What if reinforcements are coming as we speak?” He gestured to the skies.

  I didn’t know if that was a veiled threat so I steeled myself for round two. “Then why should we talk to you?”

  “Hey Kane,” Rebel butted in. “How about we throw him in the tunnels where he can feed on beetles for all eternity?”

  “Good point,” I said. “Can you answer that, Mister…”

  “Fox,” he said, bowing slightly.

  “This is Rebel,” I said. He made eye contact with her and smiled. He bowed lower for her. She folded her arms. She didn’t want him to know that she was a sucker for a charmer even if the charmer was a sucker.

  “Pleasure to meet both of you,” Fox said. “To answer your question, you could indeed take me. I’d put up a fight but I have a feeling one of you would succeed in getting a lucky shot in. Such is battle. Anyone can win on a good day. But if you beat me then you wouldn’t learn why I’m here and what I have to offer you.”

  I put a hand on Rebel’s shoulder. Her muscles were tight, ready to spring. “Okay, lay it on us. What do you have?”

  “It better be good,” Rebel said.

  “I offer you friendship. An alliance.”

  “Why would I ally with you?” I asked.

  “To defend the sword from my people.”

  There was no one-upping that. He’d surprised me.

  I’d never met a vampire turncoat.

  But I knew if I waited, if I let the silence linger, I might find out more. So I didn’t say anything in hopes of making him uneasy. After a minute, even Rebel shifted on her feet. She stole a glance at me over her shoulder every once in awhile to make sure I hadn’t fallen asleep, I guess.

  “I’ve admired your work from afar,” Fox said. “I believe we’d make good allies. So, what say you, Kane and Rebel?”

  “You work for someone,” I said. It was a gut guess.

  “Yes,” he said, simply.

  “Who?” Rebel asked.

  “I cannot say, or a spell will set me on fire.”

  “Best excuse ever,” Rebel said, nodding.

  “What’s in it for us?” I asked.

  “Ah, humans. You always have to find an angle. It’s almost like you…”

  “Cut the bullshit, Fox,” I interrupted. “Vampires invented the deal with the devil. I’m not getting pulled into a swamp I can’t get out of.”

  “Fine, Kane.” He said my name like an adult talking to a child. “You’ll have a powerful ally for the rest of your life. And you’ll have a life that lasts as long as you want.”

  We all got his drift. He probably thought he was impressing me with the offer. But it made me want to spit. Immortality was a big thing for some people. To me, it sounded like hell.

  I let ten seconds pass. Just enough time for him to get worried that I was going to shoot him where he stood. “I say no way.” Fox’s eyes went wide, surprised at the finality of my answer. “Why should I ally with someone who just killed my cherry tree?”

  “I tried to warn you they were coming!” he yelled. He was flustered. It was the perfect moment to find out what was really going on here.

  “I understand just fine. I have something you want, and you think I’m the kind of guy who will cave to power. I don’t. I respect people who respect me. It’s an old idea. Maybe even older than you.”

  “Fine then let me tell you why you should reconsider my…”

  I pulled out a Glock. “Five seconds until I shoot you with something that will hurt.”

  “I’ve made arrangements to provide a…”

  “Three seconds.” I aimed at his heart.

  “I know the one place on the planet where the sword can be safe.”

  That shut me up. Fox seemed particularly pleased with himself.

  “Do you have food?” he asked.

  “Not for you,” I said.

  “For my friend, Belch.” He gestured his hand to the edge of the roof where the demon was peeking over the top, watching us. “He likes hot dogs no matter how many times I tell him what’s in them.”

  Chapter 16

  The vampire swaggered down our hallway.

  Vamps always walk that way. Every single one of them acts like they know something you don’t. They probably do.

  His crew cut hair was different than what I’d usually seen on a vampire but I was about to find out that this was not your normal hemogoblin. His long cloak covered up a large and long torso. He wore some kind of light shoes. Like Chinese slippers.

  His giant-ass demon stuck close behind his friend, occasionally peeking over his shoulder to be sure I wasn’t up to no good.

  My house was a mess. One cannonball had dropped right into my entryway and took out the hallway that led to the kitchen. The weapons they used were expensive. Whoever these vamps were they were well-funded — probably by one of the treasures we’d failed to secure. As predicted, they were using their bounty to build their own armies.

  Hey, I get it. They awoke from a thousand years’ slumber and now they wanted to find a place to fit in to the world. Humans would do the same thing if their roles were reversed. But humans would also take that newfound place in the world, add some power, mix in some ambition and blow the whole damn thing up within a decade.

  I gave the vamps five years before they did the same.

  I was ready to barter with this guy for information. It was my job to find the most secure spot for the relics, after all. Everything short of the sword itself would be negotiable. I’d also fight if that’s what he wanted. I was on a roll that night.

  “Now tell me what you can do for us and why we should trust you,” I said.

  “In due time,” he said.

  “I think it’s time. Do you think it’s time, Rebel?”

  “Oh yeah, way time it is to be told.”

  That made no sense. I did a double-take at her.

  “Sorry,” she muttered. “My tongue got ahead of me because this guy PISSES ME OFF!”

  That made Fox jump a little. Belch let out a warning growl.

  We wandered through my house, assessing the damage. My main hall was a hill of rubble with a spiked ball on the top of it. The exposed night sky was filled with the moon.

  “If we’re going to work together then you need to show us we can trust you,” I said, wincing at the sight of my library’s entrance. It was really hard to not clock this guy with every step.

  Luckily, when we walked into the library itself there was no sign of damage.

  “Very nice,” Fox said. “A beautiful room. A man of letters, I see.”

  “I prefer words. Like words that mean something and tell me what the hell is going on.”

  “Who dat?” Rose said from the third floor balcony. She leaned over the edge and it struck me how pretty she was. I didn’t usually see her that way. She was too naive, too young in spirit. Plus, she looked up to me and Rebel. But it was hard to deny her beauty as she leaned over the banister with her long, blond hair and her loose t-shirt. Casually dressed for a battle, as usual. The kicker for Rose is that she had no idea how attractive she was. It wasn’t a front either. She never talked about it, but she seemed to cast a spell on the men around her. Maybe it was because of her h
alf-vamp blood? Or a weird vampire spell? Maybe the I’m-Attractive-But-Don’t-Know-It-Spell.

  “This is Something-something Fox,” Rebel said.

  “Alistair,” Fox corrected.

  “Alistair,” Rebel repeated to Rose. Then she gave Fox a cocked eyebrow. “Can I call you Al?”

  “No.”

  “Allie, maybe?” she said through a giggle. “Allie, will you tell us where to hide Excalibur?”

  Some color was coming into the vamp’s face. His eyebrow moved for the first time, like a crunchy old thing that hadn’t expressed itself in a few centuries.

  “Alice!” Rose yelled from above, laughing. Belch took a moment from stuffing his face with our entire supply of hot dogs to make a noise. It sounded like a demon chuckle.

  “Alistair,” Fox said simply, through gritted fangs.

  “Girls, leave the poor man alone,” I said.

  “Look,” he said. “I know this is not the best way to introduce myself but I had no choice.”

  “What if we don’t want your plan to work?” I asked. “What if we have our own plan?”

  “Does it involve keeping Excalibur out of the hands of vampires?”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  He nodded. “Ah, yes. Your famed Vault Portal. But you put your life on the line with every treasure you keep. One day someone will come along with a spell to extract your portal’s treasures. Then what?”

  “Then I deal with it. That’s why I get paid the little, tiny bucks.”

  Fox sighed. “But then all of your friends and teammates are in danger of being used as collateral. Every vampire knows all about you, Kane,” he said. I couldn’t help but feel honored even though they were my sworn enemies.

  “Yeah? All of them?” I asked as I winked at Rebel.

  “Yes,” he answered and nodded toward my partner. “They know of Rebel, too.” She smiled and stuck her tongue out at me.

  “What about me?” Rose asked from the balcony.