War With the Newts

by Karel Čapek

  The captain struggled to get his massive body into an undulating motion while in the crouch; simultaneously he held out his arms like a dog begging on its hindlegs and fixed his forget-me-not-blue eyes on Mr Bondy, who thought they were begging for sympathy. G. H. Bondy was deeply stirred and, in a way, shamed as a human being. To make matters worse, at just that moment the silent Mr Povondra appeared in the door with a jug of beer, raising scandalised eyebrows as he watched the captain’s unseemly behaviour.

  ‘Put the beer down here and leave us,’ Mr Bondy hurriedly ejaculated.

  The captain raised himself up and snorted. ‘Well, that’s what those creatures are like, Mr Bondy. Your health,’ he said, taking a drink. ‘Got good beer here, old chap. Truth to tell, the house you’ve got here - ‘The captain wiped his moustache.

  ‘And how did you come across those lizards, captain?’

  ‘Well, that’s just the story, Mr Bondy. It all started when I was pearl-fishing on Tana Masa - ‘the captain checked himself. ‘Or somewhere in those parts. Ah yes, it was some other island, but that’s still my secret, old chap. People are great crooks, Mr Bondy, and a chap’s got to watch his tongue. And as those two damned Singhalese were cutting off those pearl-oysters under water - ’

  ‘Pearl-oysters?’

  ‘Sure. Those are shells which cling to the rocks as fast as the Jewish faith and you’ve got to prise them loose with a knife. Well, those lizards were watching the Singhalese, and the Singhalese thought they were sea devils. Very uneducated people they are, the Singhalese and the Bataks. They believe there are devils there. Yes.’ The captain blew mightily into his handkerchief. ‘Well, you know how it is - a chap wants to find out. I don’t know if it’s only us Czechs who are such an inquisitive nation, but wherever I’ve met one of our fellow countrymen he’s just had to poke his nose into everything to find out what was behind it. I think it’s because we Czechs don’t want to believe in anything. So I got it into my silly old head that I’d have a look at those devils myself. Besides, I was sloshed, to be perfectly honest, but that was because I couldn’t get those damned devils out of my mind. Anything, you know, is possible down there on the equator. So I went out in the evening to have a look at that Devil Bay - ’

  Mr Bondy tried to visualise a tropical bay lined with rocks and primeval forest. ‘Well?’

  ‘So I sat there, going ts-ts-ts, to make the devils come out. And, would you believe it, one such lizard came out of the sea after a little while, stood up on its hindlegs and twisted his whole body. And went ts-ts-ts at me. If I hadn’t been sloshed I’d probably have fired at it; but, old chap, I was as drunk as a lord and so I said: Come here, you, come here, tapa-boy, I’m not going to hurt you.’

  ‘You spoke Czech to it?’

  ‘No, Malay. Malay is what’s spoken most in those parts. He didn’t say anything and merely shuffled from one foot to the other, squirming, just like a child being bashful. And all round in the water were several hundred of those lizards, poking their mugs out of the water and staring at me. And I - as I said, I was sloshed - sat down on my heels and began to twist like that lizard, so he shouldn’t be afraid of me, see? And then another lizard came out of the water, about as tall as a 10-year-old, and also started waddling. And in his front paw he was holding that pearl-oyster.’ The captain took a drink. ‘Cheers, Mr Bondy. Of course, I was absolutely pissed and so I said to him: OK, smart guy, you want me to open that shell for you? Well, come over here then, I can open it for you with my knife. But he didn’t move, he was still afraid. So I started twisting again, as if I were a little girl who’s bashful of somebody. Then he waddled up closer and I slowly put out my hand and took the shell from his paw. True, we were both scared, as you’ll appreciate, Mr Bondy, but I of course was drunk. So I took out my knife and opened that shell. With my finger I felt if there was a pearl in it, but there wasn’t, only that nasty snail, that slimy mollusc which lives in those shells. So I said: ts-ts-ts, eat it if you like. And I threw the shell to him. Boy, you should have seen him licking it clean. Must be a great tit-bit - what d’you call it - for those lizards.’

  ‘A delicacy.’

  ‘That’s it, a delicacy. Except that those poor little buggers couldn’t get inside those shells with their little fingers. It’s a hard life, sure is.’ The captain took another swig. ‘So I turned things over in my mind a bit. When those lizards saw the Singhalese cutting off those shells they probably said to themselves: Aha, they eat those things - and they wanted to see how the Singhalese would open them. You know, a Singhalese like that, when he’s in the water, looks a bit like a lizard, except that those lizards have more brains than a Singhalese or a Batak because they tried to learn something. Whereas a Batak will never learn anything except some crookery,’ Captain van Toch added angrily. ‘So when I went ts-ts-ts on the shore, and twisted like a lizard, they probably thought I was some kind of big salamander. That’s why they weren’t too frightened and came up to me to get me to open that shell. That’s the kind of intelligent and trustful creatures they are.’ Captain van Toch blushed. ‘When I came to know them better, Mr Bondy, I stripped naked so as to be more like them, naked, you know. But they were still surprised that I had such a hairy chest and some other things. Yes.’ The captain passed his handkerchief over his reddish neck. ‘But maybe I’m getting a little too long-winded, Mr Bondy?’

  G. H. Bondy was enthralled. ‘No, not at all. Go on, captain.’

  ‘Well, OK. I will then. While that lizard was licking the shell clean the others were watching and crawling up the beach. Some of them also had shells in their paws - it’s odd they managed to tear them off those rocks with such childish paws without thumbs. At first they were bashful but then they allowed me to take the shells from their paws. Of course, they weren’t all pearl-oysters, there was all kind of rubbish, ordinary oysters and suchlike, but those I chucked into the water and said: No, children, these are no good, I’m not going to open those with my knife. But whenever there was a pearl-oyster I would open it with my knife and feel if there was a pearl inside. But I gave them the shell to lick out. By that time there were a few hundred of those lizards sitting around and watching me open the shells. And some of them even tried to do it themselves, to prise the shell open with a broken bit of shell that was lying around. That, old boy, I thought was very odd. No animal can handle tools; after all, an animal is just part of nature. True enough, at Buitenzorg I saw a monkey that could open a tin, a processed food tin, with a knife; but then a monkey isn’t a real animal any more, sir. Sure, it seemed strange to me.’ The captain took a drink. ‘That night, Mr Bondy, I found something like eighteen pearls in those shells. Some were quite small, others were bigger, and three were the size of cherry stones, Mr Bondy. Cherry stones!’ Captain van Toch nodded his head gravely. ‘When I returned to my ship in the morning I kept saying to myself: Captain van Toch, you must have dreamt all that, sir, you were pissed, sir, and so on - but what the hell, there in my little pocket I had those eighteen pearls. Sure.’

  ‘That’s the best tale I ever heard,’ Mr Bondy gasped.

  ‘There you are, old boy,’ the captain said happily. ‘During the day I turned it over in my mind. I’m going to tame those lizards, see? Yes, tame them and train them, and they’re going to fetch me those pearl shells. There must be heaps of them down there - shells, I mean, in Devil Bay. So I went out there again in the evening, but a little earlier. As soon as the sun starts setting those lizards push their mugs out of the water, first one here, then another one there, until the place fairly swarms with them. I’m sitting on the beach going ts-ts-ts. Suddenly I look up: a shark! You could only see his fin sticking out of the water. Then there was some splashing, and one of the lizards was gone. I counted twelve sharks, moving into Devil Bay in one evening. Mr Bondy, those brutes ate over twenty of my lizards,’ the captain burst out and blew his nose furiously. ‘Yes, over twenty of them! Stands to reason, doesn’t it: how can a naked little lizard defend himself against them with o
nly those little paws? I felt like crying as I sat watching it. You’d have to see that for yourself, old boy …’

  The captain turned thoughtful. ‘Thing is, I’m terribly fond of animals, old boy,’ he said eventually, lifting his sky-blue eyes to G. H. Bondy. ‘I don’t know how you feel about these things, Captain Bondy - ’

  Mr Bondy nodded in token of agreement.

  ‘That’s all right, then,’ Captain van Toch noted with pleasure. ‘They’re very good and clever, those tapa-boys; when you tell them something they pay attention, just like a dog listening to his master. And most of all those childish little hands - you know, old boy, I’m an old chap with no family of my own … An old man, you know, is rather lonely,’ the captain muttered, trying to control his emotion. ‘Very sweet those lizards are, dammit all. If only those sharks didn’t hunt them so! When I began to throw stones at them, at the sharks I mean, they began to throw stones too, those tapa-boys. You won’t believe this, Mr Bondy. True, they didn’t throw very far, what with those short little hands. But it’s odd all the same. If you’re so clever, boys, I said to them, why don’t you have a go at opening one of your shells with my knife here? And I put my knife down on the ground. For a bit they were shy, and then one of them tried and stuck the point of the knife between the two halves. You’ve got to lever, I said, lever, see? Twist the knife, like this, and you’ll be all right. And he kept trying, poor little bugger, till it cracked and the shell opened. Well done, I said. Not so difficult after all, what? If a heathenish Batak or Singhalese can do it, why shouldn’t a tapa-boy, what? Of course, I won’t tell those lizards that it’s a bloody marvel and quite wonderful that an animal can do such a thing. But now I can say it: I was – well - I was absolutely thunderstruck.’

  ‘Like a vision,’ Mr Bondy prompted.

  ‘Too damn right. Like a vision. I couldn’t get it out of my mind so I stayed there with my ship for another day. And at nightfall back to Devil Bay, and again I watched those sharks eating my lizards. That night, old boy, I swore that I’d do something about it. Tapa-boys, Captain J. van Toch, beneath these terrible stars here, promises that he will help you.

  4

  Captain van Toch’s Business Enterprise

  As Captain van Toch was relating this story the hair on the nape of his neck bristled with enthusiasm and excitement.

  ‘Yes, sir, that’s what I swore. Ever since, old boy, I’ve not had a quiet moment. I started my leave in Batavia and from there sent those Jews in Amsterdam 157 pearls - everything my creatures brought me. Then I found such a fellow, he was a Dayak and shark killer, one of those who kill sharks in the water with a knife. A fearful crook and assassin, that Dayak. And with him I took a small tramp steamer back to Tana Masa, and now, fellow, in you go and kill those sharks with your knife. I wanted him to kill off all the sharks there, so they left my lizards in peace. He was such an assassin and heathen, that Dayak, that he was not put out by those tapa-boys at all. Devil or not, he didn’t care. And in the meantime I was making my observations and experiments with those lizards. Wait a minute, I’ve got my ship’s log-book, where I wrote everything down each day.’ From his breast pocket the captain produced a voluminous notebook and began to turn its pages.

  ‘What’s today’s date, then? That’s it, 25 June. So let’s take 25 June, for example - that would be last year, of course. Here we are. The Dayak killed a shark. The lizards greatly interested in its corpse. Toby - that was one of the smaller lizards, but very clever,’ the captain explained. ‘I had to give them all names, see? So I could write this book about them. Well, Toby pushed his fingers into the hole made by the knife. In the evening they brought me dry twigs for my fire. That’s nothing,’ the captain grumbled. ‘I’ll find another day. Say, 20 June, OK? The lizards are still building that… that… what do you call it? Jetty?’

  ‘A dam, perhaps?’

  ‘That’s it. A dam. A kind of dam. That is they were building a new dam at the north-western end of Devil Bay. Man alive,’ he explained, ‘that was a fantastic job. A perfect breakwater.’

  ‘A breakwater?’

  ‘Sure. They lay their eggs on that side of the bay and they wanted smooth water there. Get it? They worked out for themselves that they wanted to build such a dam there. And let me tell you that no official or engineer from the Waterstaat in Amsterdam could have drawn a better plan for such an underwater dam. An enormously clever job, except that the water washed it away. They even dig out deep holes into the shore, and that’s where they live during the day. Terribly clever animals, sir, just like the Biebers’

  ‘Beavers.’

  ‘Sure. Those big mice that build those dams in rivers. They had masses of dams, big and small, in that Devil Bay, beautifully straight dams, it looked just like some city. And in the end they wanted to build a dam right across Devil Bay. Really did. They have already learned to roll blocks of stone with lever-jacks,’ he read on. ‘Albert - that was one of the tapa-boys - got two of his fingers crushed. The 21st: The Dayak ate Albertl But he was sick afterwards. Fifteen drops of opium. Promised never to do it again. Rain all day. 30 June: The lizards are building the dam. Toby doesn’t feel like work. Yes, sir, he was a clever one,’ the captain explained admiringly. ‘The clever ones never like working. He was always plotting something, Toby was. What’s the use, even among lizards there are great inequalities. 3 July: Sergeant got a knife. That was a big powerful lizard, that Sergeant. And very skilful to boot, sir. 7 July: With that knife Sergeant has killed a cuttlefish - that’s a kind of fish which has that brown mess inside it, you know?’

  ‘Sepia?’

  ‘Yes, that’s probably it. 20 July: Sergeant killed a big jellyfish with his knife - that’s a brute like aspic and it stings like a nettle. Revolting creature. And now watch out, Mr Bondy. 13July: I’ve underlined the date. Sergeant killed a small shark with his knife. Weight seventy pounds. Well, there it is, Mr Bondy,’ Captain van Toch announced solemnly. ‘There it is in black and white. That was a great day, old boy. 13 July last year.’ The captain shut his notebook. ‘I’m not ashamed of it, Mr Bondy, but I went down on my knees right there on the beach and blubbed from sheer joy. Now I knew that my tapa-boys wouldn’t knuckle under. That Sergeant got a fine new harpoon as a reward - a harpoon’s the best thing, old boy, when you’re trying to get sharks - and I said to him: Be a man, Sergeant, and show the tapa-boys that they can defend themselves. Now would you believe it,’ the captain shouted, leaping to his feet and excitedly banging his fist on the table, ‘three days later, old boy, there was a huge shark floating there dead, full of gashes - can you say that?’

  ‘Full of wounds?’

  ‘Full of holes from that harpoon.’ The captain took such a large swig that it gurgled. ‘So that was that, Mr Bondy. And now I made something … something like a contract with those tapa-boys. That’s to say I gave them my word that if they would bring me those pearl-oysters I would give them those harpoons and knives to defend themselves with. See? An honest deal, sir. And why not? A man should be honest even with those creatures. I also gave them some wood. And two iron wheelbarrows - ’

  ‘Wheelbarrows? Trolleys?’

  ‘That’s it, kind of trolleys. So they could wheel the stones along for their dam. Poor buggers had to drag everything along with their little paws, see? Well, they got a lot of things. I’d never cheat them, that I wouldn’t. Hold on, old boy; got something to show you.’

  With one hand Captain van Toch lifted his belly and with the other he fished out a linen bag from his trouser pocket. ‘Well, here it is,’ he said, tipping out its contents on the table. There were getting on for a thousand pearls of all sizes: tiny ones like hemp seed, bigger ones like peas, and a few the size of cherries; perfect ones, drop-shaped ones, lumpy baroque ones, silvery ones, bluish ones, skin-coloured ones, some with a yellowish touch and others running to black and pink. G. H. Bondy was as if in a dream; he could not help it, he had to let them run through his hands, roll them between his finger-tips, cover t
hem with his palms -

  ‘Beautiful, just beautiful,’ he gasped. ‘Captain, this is like a dream!’

  ‘Sure,’ the captain said unemotionally. ‘They’re pretty all right. And they killed some thirty sharks that year I was with them. Got it all written down here,’ he said, tapping his breast pocket. ‘But what about all those knives I gave them, and those five harpoons … Those knives cost me nearly two American dollars apiece. Damn good knives, old boy, made of that steel which won’t rust.’

  ‘Stainless steel.’

  ‘That’s it. Because they have to be submarine knives, for use under water. And those Bataks also cost a heap of money.’

  ‘What Bataks?’

  ‘They’re the natives on that island. They believe that the tapa-boys are something like devils, and they’re frightfully scared of them. And when they saw me talking to those devils of theirs they wanted to kill me there and then. For several nights there they were striking bells of some sort so as to drive the devils away from their kampong. Shocking din they made, sir. And each morning they demanded that I should pay them for their bell-ringing. For the work they had with it, you know. Well, what’s the use, those Bataks are frightful crooks. But with those tapa-boys, sir, with those lizards, one might do some honest business. That’s so, Excellent business, Mr Bondy.’

  G. H. Bondy felt as if he was in a fairy-tale. ‘Buy pearls from them?’

  ‘That’s it. Except that there aren’t any pearls left in Devil Bay, and there aren’t any tapa-boys anywhere else. And this, old boy, is the key to the whole thing.’ Captain van Toch puffed out his cheeks triumphantly. ‘That’s exactly how I figured out that big business in my head. Why, old boy,’ he said, stabbing the air with his fat finger, ‘those lizards have multiplied enormously since I took them under my wing! They’re now able to defend themselves, see? And there’ll be more and more of them all the time! So how about it, Mr Bondy? Wouldn’t that be a terrific deal?’