War With the Newts

by Karel Čapek

  ‘That might do,’ Sweetiepie breathed.

  ‘But put that robe on,’ Abe growled.

  ‘Just a minute.’ Miss Li straightened her famous golden hair with both hands. ‘Isn’t my hair terribly untidy? Abe, you wouldn’t have any lipstick for me?’

  Abe put the robe round her shoulders. ‘Better come now, Li!’

  ‘I’m scared,’ Sweetiepie breathed. Mr Abe picked her up in his arms. Li felt as light as a little cloud. Hell, she’s heavier than you thought, isn’t she, the cold critical voice said to Abe. And now you’ve got both hands full, man - suppose those animals went for you now? What then?

  ‘How about going at a trot?’ Sweetiepie suggested.

  ‘Sure,’ puffed Mr Abe, scarcely moving his legs. By then it was getting dark rapidly. He approached the wide semicircle of the animals. ‘Faster, run faster,’ moaned Sweetiepie, kicking her legs hysterically and digging her silver-painted nails into Abe’s neck.

  ‘Hell, Li, stop it,’ Abe howled.

  ‘Nyfe’ came a bark from his side. ‘Ts-ts-ts.’ ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Li.’ ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Li.’

  They were now clear of the semicircle and Abe felt his feet sinking into the damp sand. ‘You can put me down now,’ Sweetiepie breathed at the very moment when Abe’s arms and legs gave way.

  Abe was breathing heavily, wiping his sweaty brow with his forearm. ‘Get back to the boat, quick,’ he ordered Sweetiepie Li. The semicircle of dark shadows now turned to face Li and drew closer. ‘Ts-ts-ts.’ ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Li.’

  And Li did not scream. Li did not start running. Li raised her arms towards the sky, and the robe slid from her shoulders. Naked, Li waved both her arms to the swaying shades and blew them kisses. On her trembling lips there appeared something that anybody would feel bound to call an enchanting smile. ‘You’re so sweet,’ said a stammering little voice. And her white arms again extended towards the swaying shadows.

  ‘Give me a hand, Li,’ Abe grumbled a little rudely, pushing the boat deeper into the water.

  Sweetiepie Li picked up her bath-robe. ‘Good-bye, darlings!’ The shadows could be heard splashing in the water. ‘Hurry up, Abe,’ Sweetiepie hissed, wading towards the boat. ‘They’re here again!’ Mr Abe Loeb was desperately trying to get the boat afloat. That’s it - and now Miss Sweetiepie clambered aboard and waved her hand in salutation. ‘Get on the other side, Abe; they can’t see me.’

  ‘Nyfe.’ ‘Ts-ts-ts.’ ‘Aaa-be!’

  ‘Nyfe, ts, nyfe.’

  ‘Ts-ts.’

  ‘Nyfe!’

  At last the boat was bobbing on the waves. Mr Abe struggled in and with all his strength pulled on the oars. One oar struck some slippery body.

  Sweetiepie Li drew a deep breath. ‘Don’t you agree they’re awfully sweet? And wasn’t I just perfect?’

  Mr Abe rowed for all he was worth, making for the yacht. ‘Put that robe on, Li,’ he said rather drily.

  ‘I think it was a tremendous success,’ Miss Li declared. ‘And those pearls, Abe! How much do you think they’re worth?’

  Mr Abe stopped rowing for a moment. ‘I think you needn’t have shown yourself to them quite like that, Sweetiepie.’

  Miss Li was rather offended. ‘What’s wrong with that? It’s obvious, Abe, you’re not an artist. Do go on rowing, please; I’m freezing in this robe!’

  7

  The Yacht in the Lagoon (continued)

  That evening there were no personal quarrels on board the Gloria Pickford - only a noisy clash of scientific opinion. Fred (loyally supported by Abe) decided that they must definitely have been some kind of reptile whereas the captain came down in favour of mammals. There were no reptiles in the sea, the captain insisted fiercely; but the young gentlemen with a university education took no notice of his objections; reptiles, after all, were more sensational. Sweetiepie Li was quite happy to believe that they were Tritons, that they were positively delightful, and that the whole thing had been a terrific success. And Li (wearing the blue-striped pyjamas which Abe liked such a lot) dreamed with shining eyes of pearls and marine deities. Judy, of course, was convinced that the whole thing was a joke and a hoax, and that Li and Abe had thought it up together; she was furiously winking at Fred to let the matter rest. Abe was thinking that Li might have mentioned how he, Abe, had fearlessly walked right amidst those reptiles to pick up her robe; that’s why he related three times how superbly Li had stood up to them while he, Abe, had been pushing the boat into the water, and he was just about to relate it for a fourth time. But Fred and the captain were not listening at all but were passionately arguing the case of reptiles versus mammals. (As if it mattered what they were, thought Abe.) In the end Judy yawned and said she was going to bed; she looked meaningfully at Fred, but Fred had just remembered that such funny old reptiles had existed before the Flood, what the hell were they called, diplosaurs, bigosaurs or something like that, and they had walked about on their hindlegs, yessir; Fred had seen them himself in a funny scientific illustration and a book as fat as this. A tremendous book, sir, you ought to see it.

  ‘Abe,’ Sweetiepie Li piped up. ‘I’ve got a marvellous idea for a film.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Something tremendously new. You know, our yacht might go down and I alone would save myself and get to that island. And I’d live there like a Girl Crusoe.’

  ‘What would you be doing there?’ the captain objected sceptically.

  ‘Swim in the sea and that sort of thing,’ Sweetiepie said simply. ‘And those sea Tritons would fall in love with me … and bring me pearls and pearls. You know, just as it really was. It might even be an educational nature film, don’t you think? Something like Trader Horn.’

  ‘Li is right,’ Fred suddenly declared. ‘We ought to film those reptiles tomorrow evening.’

  ‘You mean those mammals,’ the captain corrected him.

  ‘You mean me,’ said Sweetiepie. ‘Standing among those sea Tritons.’

  ‘But in a robe,’ Abe blurted out.

  ‘I could put on that white swimsuit,’ Li said. ‘But Greta would have to do my hair properly. Today I looked a frightful mess.’

  ‘And who’d do the filming?’

  ‘Abe. That way, at least, he’ll be some use. And Judy would have to provide some lighting in case it’s dark by then.’

  ‘And what about Fred?’

  ‘Fred would be carrying a bow and wearing a wreath on his head, and if those Tritons tried to carry me off he’d mow them down.’

  ‘Much obliged,’ Fred grinned. ‘But I’d rather have a revolver. And I think the captain should be present too.’

  The captain’s moustache bristled with fighting spirit. ‘Don’t concern yourself, please. I’ll do whatever is necessary.’

  ‘And what will that be?’

  ‘Three men of the crew, sir. And well armed, sir.’

  Sweetiepie was delightfully astonished. ‘You think it’ll be that dangerous, captain?’

  T don’t think anything, kid,’ the captain growled. ‘But I’ve got my orders from Mr Jesse Loeb - at least as far as Mr Abe’s concerned.’

  The gentlemen threw themselves enthusiastically into the technical details of the enterprise; Abe winked at Sweetiepie, time you went to bed and that sort of thing. Li obediently went off. ‘You know, Abe,’ she said in her cabin; ‘I think this is going to be a fantastic film!’

  ‘Sure will, Sweetiepie,’ agreed Mr Abe; trying to kiss her.

  ‘Not tonight, Abe,’ Sweetiepie resisted. ‘Surely you understand that I’ve got to concentrate frightfully.’

  All next day Miss Li was intensely concentrating; her poor maid Greta was kept more than busy over it. There were baths with important salts and essences, hair-washing with Everblonde shampoo, massages, pedicure, manicure, hair-curling and brushing out, pressing and trying on of clothes, alterations, make-up and a variety of other preparations; even Judy was swept along with the rush and made herself useful to Sweetiep
ie Li. (There are moments of crisis when women can be surprisingly loyal to each other, for instance over dressing.) While all this feverish activity was going on in Miss Li’s cabin the gentlemen made their own arrangements and, placing ashtrays and glasses of whisky about the table, laid down their strategic plan, where each of them would stand and what he would be responsible for in case anything happened; in the course of this the captain was several times deeply offended over the question of prestige in the matter of command. During the afternoon they transported everything to the shore: a film camera, a small machine-gun, a hamper with food, plates and cutlery, rifles, a gramophone and other military equipment; everything was superbly camouflaged with palm leaves. Just before sunset three armed crew members and the captain (in his role of commander-in-chief) took up position. Next a huge basket containing a few little requisites of Miss Lily Valley was brought ashore. After that Fred arrived by boat with Miss Judy. And then the sun began to set in all its tropical splendour.

  By then Mr Abe was knocking at Miss Li’s cabin door for the tenth time. ‘Sweetiepie, it’s really high time to be off!’

  ‘In a second, in a second,’ replied Sweetiepie’s voice. ‘Please don’t hassle me! I’ve got to dress, haven’t I?’

  Meanwhile, the captain was taking stock of the situation. Out there on the surface a long straight band was shimmering, dividing the rippling sea from the still water of the lagoon. Almost as if there was some dam or breakwater under the surface, the captain thought; maybe a sandbar or a coral reef, but it almost looked like an artificial structure. Queer spot, this. Above the still surface of the lagoon black heads were popping up here and there, moving towards the beach. The captain pressed his lips together and nervously fingered his revolver. Would have been better, he thought, if those women had stayed behind on the ship. Judy was beginning to tremble and frantically clutched Fred. How strong he is, she thought. God, how I love him!

  Finally the last boat pushed off from the yacht. In it was Miss Lily Valley in a white swimsuit and a transparent dressing gown in which, apparently, she intended to be shipwrecked; also in the boat were Miss Greta and Mr Abe. ‘Why are you rowing so slowly, Abe/ Sweetiepie criticised. Mr Abe had seen those black heads moving towards the shore and said nothing.

  ‘Ts-ts.’

  ‘Ts.’

  Mr Abe dragged the boat up on the sand and gave a hand to Sweetiepie Li and Miss Greta. ‘Run over to the camera, quick,’ the artist whispered. ‘And when I say “Now” you start shooting.’

  ‘But it’ll be too dark,’ Abe objected.

  ‘Then Judy must switch on the light. Greta!’

  While Mr Abe took up position behind the camera the artist was lying down on the sand like a dying swan, and Miss Greta straightened the folds of her dressing gown. ‘I want to show a bit of leg,’ the castaway whispered. ‘Ready? Be off, then! Abe, now!’

  Abe started to turn the handle. ‘Judy, lights!’ But no light came on. From the sea emerged some swaying shadows and moved towards Li. Greta clapped her hands over her mouth to stop herself screaming.

  ‘Li,’ Mr Abe called out. ‘Li, run away!’

  ‘Nyfe!’ ‘Ts-ts-ts.’ ‘Li.’ ‘Li.’ ‘Abe!’

  Someone was flicking back a safety catch. ‘Dammit, don’t fire’, hissed the captain.

  ‘Li,’ Abe called out and stopped turning the handle. ‘Judy, lights!’

  Li rose slowly and softly to her feet and stretched her arms up towards the sky. The gossamer dressing gown slipped from her shoulders. Thus she stood there, lily-white Lily, her arms charmingly raised above her head, the way castaways do when they wake from a faint. Mr Abe furiously started to turn his handle. ‘Damn it all, Judy, let’s have the lights!’

  ‘Ts-ts-ts.’

  ‘Nyfe.’

  ‘Nyfe.’

  ‘Aaa-be!’

  The black shadows were swaying and circling around white Li. Hold on, this wasn’t play-acting any more. Li was no longer raising her arms skywards but pushing something away from her, squealing: ‘Abe, Abe, it touched me!’ At that moment a blinding light came on. Abe quickly turned the camera handle, Fred and the captain came running with their revolvers to help Li who was cowering and stuttering with terror. Just then the bright light revealed dozens and hundreds of those tall dark shadows hurriedly slipping into the sea. Also just then two swimmers flung a net over one of the fleeing shadows. Just then Greta fainted, falling like a sack. Just then two or three shots rang out, there was some commotion in the water, the two swimmers with the net were lying on something that twisted and wriggled under them, and the light in Miss Judy’s hand went out.

  The captain switched on his pocket torch. ‘You all right, kid?’

  ‘It touched my leg,’ Sweetiepie moaned. ‘Fred, it was horrible!’

  By then Mr Abe had also arrived with his pocket torch. ‘That went beautifully, Li,’ he boomed; ‘only Judy should have switched on sooner!’

  ‘It wouldn’t go on,’ Judy stammered. ‘Would it, Fred?’

  ‘Judy was scared,’ Fred made excuses for her. ‘Honest, she. didn’t do it deliberately. Isn’t that so, Judy?’

  Judy was offended; but the two swimmers were now approaching, dragging in their net something that was struggling like a big fish. ‘Well, here it is, captain. And alive.’

  ‘The brute, it squirted some kind of poison at me. My hands are covered in blisters, sir. And they sting like hell.’

  ‘It touched me too,’ Miss Li whimpered. ‘Shine your torch here, Abe! See if I’ve got a blister here.’

  ‘No, you haven’t Sweetiepie. Nothing there,’ Abe assured her. He nearly kissed the spot above her knee which Li was anxiously rubbing. ‘Such a cold touch, horrid,’ Sweetiepie Li complained.

  ‘You dropped a pearl, ma’am,’ said one of the swimmers and handed Li the little bead he’d picked up from the sand.

  ‘Heavens, Abe,’ Miss Li exclaimed; ‘they’ve brought me pearls again! Come on, kids, we’ll look for pearls! There’ll be masses of pearls here which those poor little things brought me! Aren’t they delightful creatures, Fred? Here’s another pearl!’

  ‘And here!’

  Three torches turned their beams towards the ground.

  ‘I’ve found a whopper!’

  ‘That belongs to me,’ blurted Sweetiepie Li.

  ‘Fred,’ came Miss Judy’s frosty voice.

  ‘In a minute,’ said Mr Fred, crawling in the sand on his hands and knees.

  ‘Fred, I want to go back to the ship!’

  ‘Somebody’11 take you,’ Fred suggested, preoccupied. ‘Hell, this is fun!’

  The three gentlemen and Miss Li continued to move across the sand like large fireflies.

  ‘Three pearls here,’ announced the captain.

  ‘Show me, show me,’ squealed Li ecstatically, hurrying after the captain on her knees. At that moment the magnesium light flared up and the camera handle rattled. ‘Right. Now you’re on it,’Judy announced vindictively. ‘That’ll be a great picture for the papers. American Society Hunting for Pearls. Marine Lizards Fling Pearls at Humans.’

  Fred sat down. ‘Hell, Judy’s right. We just must get this into the papers, kids!’

  Li sat down. ‘Judy is a darling. Judy, do take us again, but from the front!’

  ‘You wouldn’t look nearly so good, darling,’ opined Judy.

  ‘We’d better go on searching, kids,’ said Mr Abe. ‘The tide’s coming in.’

  In the darkness at the water’s edge a black swaying shadow was moving. Li screeched: ‘Over there - over there -

  Three torches threw their circles of light in that direction. But it was only Greta on her knees, looking for pearls in the dark.

  On Li’s lap was the captain’s cap with twenty-one pearls in it. Abe was fixing the drinks and Judy attended to the gramophone. It was an immense starry night accompanied by the eternal murmuring of the sea.

  ‘So what’s our headline going to be?’, boomed Fred. MILWAUKEE INDUSTRIALIST’S D
AUGHTER FILMS FOSSIL REPTILES.’

  ‘ANTEDILUVIAN LIZARDS PAY HOMAGE TO YOUTH AND BEAUTY’, Abe proposed poetically.

  ‘THE YACHT GLORIA PICKFORD DISCOVERS UNKNOWN FAUNA,’ advised the captain. ‘Or THE MYSTERY OF TAHUARA ISLAND.’

  ‘That’s more like a subtitle,’ said Fred. ‘The headline should say something more.’

  ‘For instance: BASEBALL FRED FIGHTS MONSTERS,’ Judy spoke up. ‘Fred was terrific as he charged towards them. Hope it comes out all right on the film!’

  The captain cleared his throat. ‘Actually, Miss Judy, / ran out first - but let it pass. I think the headline should have a scientific ring, sir. Sober and … in short, scientific. ANTILUVIAN FAUNA ON PACIFIC ISLAND.’

  ‘Anteliduvian,’ corrected Fred. ‘No, antevidulian. Hell, which is right? Antiluvalian. Anteduvialian. No, that’s no go. Got to give it some simpler headline, something everybody can pronounce. Judy’s a brick.’

  ‘Antediluvial,’ said Judy.

  Fred shook his head. ‘Too long, Judy. Longer than those brutes including their tails. A headline’s got to be snappy. But Judy’s terrific, what? Don’t you think she’s terrific, captain?’

  ‘Sure,’ the captain agreed. ‘A remarkable young lady.’

  ‘As good as a fellow, captain,’ the young giant said approvingly. ‘Say kids, the captain’s a great guy. But antediluvian fauna is garbage. That’s no headline for a paper. Why not LOVERS ON PEARL ISLAND, or something like that.’

  ‘TRITONS SHOWER WHITE LILY WITH PEARLS, shouted Abe. HOMAGE FROM POSEIDON’S REALM! A NEW APHRODITE!’

  ‘Garbage,’ Fred protested angrily. ‘There weren’t any Tritons. That’s all scientifically proved, old boy. And there wasn’t any Aphrodite, was there, Judy? HUMANS CLASH WITH PRIMEVAL REPTILES! GALLANT CAPTAIN CHARGES ANTEDILUVIAN MONSTERS! Boy, that would be a scoop, this headline.’

  ‘Special edition,’ sang out Abe. ‘FILM ACTRESS ASSAULTED BY SEA MONSTERS! A MODERN WOMAN’S SEX APPEAL TRIUMPHS OVER PREHISTORIC LIZARDS! FOSSIL REPTILES PREFER BLONDES!’

  ‘Abe,’ Sweetiepie Li spoke up. ‘I’ve got an idea - ’

  ‘What idea?’