Cynical Tales for Cynical Children

by Timothy Ahern

  “You have no idea how lucky I feel. I’m on an impossible mission for an equally impossible king”

  “What I mean is that, contrary to what you might have heard, not all witches are wicked and sometimes the entire concept of good and evil boils down to which side of the wand you’re on”

  “Wait, you’re a witch?”

  10 In the interests of narrative accuracy the reader is recommended to begin reading this story again.

  11 It’s true, she did have to say it. It's in the script.

  “Not one of the more important ones I assure you and from my point of view the Witchqueen is someone who needs to be taken down. This means I'm on your side and ultimately this makes me one of the good guys, as I say everything is relative when you sit down and think about it”

  “That’s a fairly complex point of view”

  “Sorry, I tend to get philosophical when I’ve been working on my thesis” the relatively good witch gestured towards a small collection of items “anyway you might find these useful”

  “A broom, a can of oil, some bread and some poetry on a scrap of paper? How is this supposed to help me?”

  “Hey I’m giving you as much help as I can. If you’re not clever enough to take advantage of my generosity then you’re certainly not clever enough to steal from the Witchqueen. Maybe you should just keep on walking and forget about your boyfriend”

  “I never said I wasn’t going to take them!” Violette gathered up the collection and left in the direction of the palace of the Witchqueen.

  Calling the meandering track a path was a course of action that could easily have lead to a case of slander and if it had been described as a path within the pages of this book it would certainly be a strong case for libel because it quickly split off into a confusing network of twists, turns, shortcuts which led nowhere and a surprising amount of overgrown thorn bushes.

  When you take all of this vindictive landscaping it didn't take long before Violette was far more lost than anyone else in this book. She was even starting to wonder if life in the kingdom was even worth it since, as the philosophically good witch had mentioned there was always another kingdom and was it worth risking the anger of the queen of the witches?

  The more Violette considered the matter the more sensible giving up sounded and she had almost convinced herself when she pushed her way through the last of the thorn bushes which brought her out into a large clearing in which was contained a curious sight.

  There was a large stove in the exact middle of the open ground which was scorched and covered with ashes while three women were pulling out their hair in a desperate attempt to clean what could only be called a monstrosity before anyone official turned up.

  “I'm not going to lie” Violette commented as she handed the broom to the closest of the three women

  “this is turning into a pretty weird day for me”

  “You think you've got problems?” Take a look at what happens when you don't do what her royal grumpiness wants quickly enough. Thanks for the broom but take my advice and turn back”

  “I can't. It's a whole, thing”

  “Your funeral” the woman shrugged “the palace is over that way”

  Violette thanked them and continued along a new and well made path while the unfortunate women began cleaning out their oven with their new broom.

  In the next clearing a pair of giant mastiffs roamed free in blatant defiance of local leashing laws blocked her way and and roamed free in blatant defiance of local leashing laws. For a short time the dogs stood over Violette while they debated whether or not to eat her however they settled down after she offered the pair the hearty loaf of bread.

  “Thanks lady” the first dog said around a mouthful of bread “we haven't had anything to eat for far too long”

  “Yeah” the other remarked “I know we're not supposed to think ill of our owners but it's pretty obvious the queen has never read anything about the proper care and handling of pedigree canines, something one of us happens to be”

  “Wait a minute. You can both talk?”

  “What, you think she's going to go through all the trouble of obtaining a pedigree hound and his lesser brother and then not start experimenting on them?”

  “Brother you really need to stop it with this pedigree business, especially since you're not one. The reason we've been stuck out here guarding exactly nothing from exactly nobody is that we got into what you might call a philosophical discussion with the familiar of a visiting witch and the ensuing bout of intellectualism destroyed several valuable magical experiments”

  “That sounds pretty intense. What exactly what the philosophical discussion about?”

  “We were trying to determine”

  “In the name of science you understand”

  “Indeed, acting, as my inferior brother says, purely in the name of science, we were attempting to determine if cats who have grown up surrounded by the arcane energies tasted different from regular ones”

  “I’m almost afraid to ask but does it?”

  Both dogs contrived to look slightly sheepish “At this point we’ve determined it certainly makes them faster. Other than that our studies are ongoing”

  “Enough of such academic discussions” the possibly pedigreed mastiff quickly changed the subject in order to deal with the awkward silence “you've fed us which means by the customs and laws of Caninekind we're going to be best friends forever”

  “In that case will you let me pass? I've really got to get to the castle”

  “Certainly, in our position as mans best friend in general”

  “and your best friend in particular”

  “Good point lesser brother. You're pretty close to the castle, it's just over those hills”

  “Nothing good will happen if you go visiting her though”

  “Unfortunately nothing good is going to happen if I don’t go that way as well” Violette set off after throwing a pair of sticks for the dogs who chased after them as happily as, well, as a pair of dogs who were engaged in the highly important task of fetching12.

  In the third clearing there weren’t any people, ovens or dogs. This might have been considered to be a plus were it not for the minor fact a a river had long since washed away the only bridge and effectively transformed one forest into a pair of forests. With no other choice Violette reached into her pockets to determine if another gift might help her or if it might be time to give up on this mad quest.

  “Clear sparkling river. Let me cross over” she frowned and turned the paper over in case there was something on the other side “wait that’s it? It’s barely a limerick, if I were a designing a magical spell to control an entire river it would certainly contain more than that. Heck at the least I’d hire an actual minstrel to write some proper lyrics”13

  Clearly the river agreed with her because the waters reenacted the parting of the Red Sea, which enabled Violette to reenact the crossing of Moses, thankfully she didn’t go on to reenact the forty years of wandering14.

  The much discussed palace of the equally discussed queen of the witches was exactly as ostentatiously bourgeois as you might already have imagined and although the main door was unlocked it couldn't be opened due to the minor design flaw which had allowed the hinges to rust completely due to the fact no witch worth her broomstick would walk through a door when she could make a grand entrance by flying through an upper window.

  Since Violette only had her can of oil left it didn’t take her long to figure out how to apply one to the other and enter the palace with a minimum of squeaking.

  The amount of noise from the hinges didn’t matter in the end because there were no servants, guards or anyone else who would have been able to spoil the easiest robbery in the history of ever and, criminally speaking, the most difficult part of this heist was having to look in every room until she 12 I dare you to find anything happier.

  13 In the interests of security the song would need to contain a random collection of nu
mbers and letters. However in the interests of musical technique it would also need to contain an extended lute solo.

  14 If I wrote out the story of Exodus in the same manner as I’ve done the stories in this book it could easily get me in hot water with the Copyright holders and/or the author.

  found the one with a magnificent chest overflowing with coins, jewels, title deeds, bearer bonds and first edition comic books.

  Violette chose this moment to become a burglar by grabbing the chest. Now at this point it is important to note that, despite what comics, moves, television show and other such propaganda might have taught you the one thing which seperates a successful burglar from the regular kind is that a successful burglar doesn't ever, upon obtaining their burgled bargains, hang around waiting for the latest costumed weirdo to make a dramatic entrance through a gigantic window.

  Neither do they wait and listen to yet another dul monologue about changing the error of their ways.15

  Violette quickly demonstrated this by running for the door as fast as she could and not stopping to pick up any pieces of treasure which spil ed out. While there may have not being a costumed hero16 the c hests screams for help echoed throughout the empty rooms of the castle.

  “Hey door! Don't let this thief outside!” the chest shrieked as Violette approached, if not the gates of freedom, then the door of quick getaways for al concerned.

  “You're not the boss of me” the hinges on the freshly oiled door neither stuck nor squeaked as it opened wide “and I never liked you anyway”

  “Seriously? You had one job door! One damn job, good luck finding a new job in this economy is al I can say. As for you madam thief maybe you got past that moronic door with some clever little trick but you've forgotten about the river which obeys my every command! River I command you to drown this girl!”

  “That doesn't even rhyme!” Violette panted as she plunged into the gentle waters of the river and crossed without any trouble

  “Aw come on, do you know how expensive enchanting all that water was? Is it even worth asking the two mutts to help?”

  “They’re not mutts. One has a pedigree, I think” rather predictably the two dogs fell into step behind their best friend in the world while making certain to stay poised in case anyone began doing something important, such as throwing sticks.

  “All right, you know what? That’s fine and for the record I didn’t want to do this but I see that you’ve left me no choice except to unleash the full fury of my security system upon you”

  “If it’s anything like what I’ve already seen I don’t think I’m going to have too much trouble”

  “You may laugh young lady, you may well laugh, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be in your shoes when the oven women get through with you” the chest ordered in final triumph “Oven women catch this robber and, you know, burn her in your oven”

  “Burn her in the oven?” the three women were considerably more relaxed to the point where they were playing cards “are you crazy?”

  “Yeah” remarked the other while frowning at the current score “do you have any idea how long it took for us to get that monstrosity clean?”

  “But, but the Queen, our orders. I actually am in the process of actually being actually stolen right at this actual second!”

  “Stuff her. If she wanted us to burn everyone who wandered into the clearing she should have given us the proper tools for the job to say nothing of decent wages and proper adherence to appropriate health and safety guidelines”

  “I’m certain she’ll do all of that stuff but right now I really need you to stop this thief because, I repeat, I am currently in the process of being stolen”

  “Sorry but any negotiations are going to need to go through our duly elected union representative.

  Until then we’re on strike”

  “Does that mean we can go?” Violette asked carefully.

  15 A monologue which took hours of rehearsal before he even left his [insert animal and/or theme here]-cave. While criminals might be cowardly and superstitious they are also unmerciful to those who would be heroes yet can't remember their lines.

  16 At least not this time.

  “Sure you can dearie. We’re not stopping anyone until we get these contracts signed”

  “Um, thanks and they're always hiring in the kings castle. You know, just in case”

  “Fine” the treasure chest sighed in resignation “it looks as though you can just get away with this”

  “It’s not all bad from what I hear the royal vaults are are incredibly secure and he’s got an entire kingdoms worth of treasure to keep you company”

  “You’re just saying that to make me feel better”

  Back at the royal castle and about as far removed from the royal vaults as one could get sat the battlements from which one might look out in order to survey the goings on of the kingdom. Since the departure of the titular character one had been doing just that and because of this small, yet, important, fact the prince Kevin was the first to greet Violette as she crossed the drawbridge.17

  “Violette, I'm so happy you're alive” Kevin said in between several romantic kisses “what's better is that I got the chance to talk to you before you were summoned to court”

  “Who's been summoned?” the chest interrupted “she's going to march into that throne room, drop me like a microphone and then walk away without even looking back at the explosion”

  “Explosion? We never talked about any explosions” Violette interrupted the chests interruption

  “You've managed to do what knights and kings couldn't. If there isn't some kind of explosion then you might want to check the king for a pulse”

  “You mean my father?” the prince interjected into the continuing interruptions “Violette, that's what I wanted to warn you about. As soon as you step foot in the court he's going to offer you anything you want as a reward but he's issued orders to have you killed if you dare to ask for any of his gold or the treasure but don't worry because I have a plan”

  “That seems somewhat drastic” the chest remarked “there's probably still time for you to get to another kingdom, you can take captain handsome if you want. After all she only came back to the castle because she loves you”

  “It's prince actually and wait, what was that last bit”

  “Oh, that she loves you? We had a chance to talk on the walk from my house”

  “Hang on, hang on just a minute everyone” the titular pear girl held up her hand “leaving aside the whole thing about us loving each other for the moment there's only one thing I want to know about this plan of yours and that is whether it has been completely thought through”

  “Naturally, who'd be crazy enough to go through with one that wasn't?”

  “You'd be amazed”

  “Well anyway when you get presented to the court my father will ask you what you want as a reward.

  All you have to do is ask for the basket of pears you arrived in. Trust me, I'll take care of the rest”

  Despite the fact Violette was the hero of the hour, this story and had two dogs to back her up the royal court was no less imposing than the previous time she'd been summoned into the royal presence.

  “We are pleased at your actions oh most loyal of servants” from the heights of his golden throne the eyes of the king never strayed far from the, mercifully silent, treasure chest “and we ask you to think carefully before naming your reward for this task because there are literally no limits to what we may give you. There is plenty of gold in the vaults for instance and far more jewels than we have room for if you so desire”

  “Sire, if I’d wanted riches I could have kept the chest for myself and being the daughter of an honest peach farmer they would go towards buying more land which, if I'm not mistaken, would increase the amount of taxes levied against my family meaning you would end up with the treasure eventually. The way I see it I was happiest when I was nothing more than the daughter of a pear farmer and with your permissi
on I'll take dads pear baskets with me when I return home”

  17 At least he was the first named character to greet her since she had arrived in town with a large chest and a pair of large dogs. This would attract both the curious, the opportunistic and the small detachment of city guards who would be on hand to pick up whoever was left.

  The king was overjoyed at being able to pay such an ironic price for such a large chest of treasure, the royal guards were overjoyed at not being ordered to kill someone so vital to the plot and Violette was overjoyed when the pear basket was brought into the court to reveal the prince who was in the middle of enjoying a pear.

  “Morning Dad, have you tried these?” he ignored the gasps of shock from the royal court “they’re a bit small but still good”

  “Kevin, what do you think you’re doing in that basket?”

  “I was just getting a pear, oh and a wife”

  “You, you what?”

  “You did say Violette could name her reward and she named the pear basket she arrived in. The servants were so eager to please you they didn’t notice I was sitting inside and enjoying some fruit”

  “I gave her the basket, not what was inside it and certainly not the hand of my only son and heir!”

  “That’s exactly what they told me you’d say” Kevin gestured in the vague direction of the nastier section of the court and took the hand of his young love “naturally I made certain to let them know that my there was no way my father, a man who just received an enormous treasure chest overflowing with riches from his most loyal subject, would not be so amazingly mindbogglingly petty as to not include the contents of the pear basket as a royal gift”

  “I, uh, we wouldn’t? No of course we wouldn’t! Young Violette reclaim your pear basket and go with our blessings, our son and, it seems, our family name since to allow someone as clever as my new daughter in law to retire to the life of a pear farming peasant would be the act of a fool and the people who rule this kingdom could never be called fools”18

  The news of what had happened quickly spread throughout the land. Violette brought her father to the royal court for the wedding and nine months later the King, to his secret relief, was able to step down from the pressures of the crown in order to become a grandfather by appointment.