Under the new regime taxes were lowered to a more reasonable level, pears were declared to be the national fruit and the people of the kingdom began living a happy a more fruitful life.
18 Naturally there were a few people in the kingdom who disagreed with this statement. These people weren’t present in the royal courts due to the royal discussion squad paying them a surprise visit.
EXCOGITATION
•
Just how long did Violette stay in the royal pantry before being discovered?
I only ask because the life of a peasant is never an easy one and the life of a daughter of one is even less so. Among the greatest of hardships which face the peasant class is finding something to eat or, at least in her case, finding something to eat that wasn't pears.
If she had been able to hide herself better the story of The Little Pear Girl might easily have been the story of a girl who lived in a pantry and gets to eat anything she wanted.
•
Why did the king send such an inexperienced person after the treasure?
In the first place the other servants had cranked the rumor mill up to eleven and in the second place he clearly isn't happy about the blossoming relationship between Kevin and Violette.
This way at least he gets to kill two birds with one stone.
It might not be nice but, as has already been noted, he’s not a nice king.
•
How did the servants know to bring in the right basket of pears?
The easy answer is the prince made certain to give them special instructions although there does remain the possibility those servants would get the baskets mixed up and deliver the prince to the royal kitchens19.
It would add a great deal of pathos to an ending where Violette thinks Kevin is in the basket and is then laughed out of the court when it’s revealed there is nothing in the pear basket except a few errant pears20.
19 Either innocently or as some kind of strange courtly intrigue.
20 “Oops” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
RATIOCINATION
Despite the introduction, the first few paragraphs and my four pages of unused material this story isn’t actually a tutorial about how easy it is to get out of paying your taxes by shipping your children off to the internal revenue department21. For those determined to give this approach a try it should be noted that in these modern times you are required to fill out the necessary paperwork beforehand or risk having your child returned in three to five working days.
It must further be noted that this does not rule out the chances of individual children being lost in the system22 or the child being sent back to the wrong clients due to a misprint or misfiling in the paperwork at which point you would need to face the daunting challenge of navigating their arcane and esoteric phone system. Overall it would be easier to either pay your taxes or spend a few nights digitally inserting your new child into the family photographs.
After all the buildup the character of the Witchqueen it was interesting she wasn’t actually at home when the hero knocked on the door, figuratively speaking. While it is entirely possible she was already out on official state business I think we can take it as something of a given that you don’t get to be the queen of the witches without realizing exactly what it means when a seemingly unimportant person is able to break through each tier of your security system like it’s not even there.
A more logical23 explanation of what happened to her is, in a series of wacky events24 some of her potions got mixed up and she managed to turn herself into the extremely vocal treasure chest. Due to a lack of arms she was then unable to make the arcane gestures and change herself back into a human and in a final indignity her servants collectively realized there was nothing keeping them from looting the palace.
The last footman to leave, worn down by years of thankless labor and, recognizing the irony of the situation, loaded his former employer with all manner of treasures before departing with a large sack of severance pay.
At last then we come to the moral of this adventure and it would be far to easy to say that this whole thing is a lengthy reminder to
“Pay your taxes or be prepared to watch your country spiral down into anarchy
and chaos”
While this is, as we have learned in the narrative, good advice it only works for the first part of the story and when you think about it though the whole thing about the taxes is nothing more than a lengthy setup for Violette to luck her way into a job, a royal mission and finally a confrontation with the king.
“Don't worry, everything will work itself out. But always make certain to have a
plan that has been completely thought out. You know, just in case”
21 For some strange reason I feel like I should apologize for this.
22 Eventually growing up in the wilds of the archives and leading their tribes of rogue accountants in guerrilla raids against the treacherous clans who jealously guard the office supplies.
23 For a given and extremely flexible value of logical that is.
24 More than likely due to her pair of dogs and their own scientific endeavors
THE MUSICIANS OF BREMEN
In which it is shown even musicians can contribute to society in a meaningful way.
History. That sometimes inconvenient account of the events of yesterday written in the hopes of influencing tomorrow. The big problem with this is that official histories are written by the winners in order to remind the losers of their place in the world1 The more unofficial versions of histories are kept by the losers to remind themselves of how it really happened, a practice which starts off with good intentions yet ultimately causes another generation to rise up in an effort to right past wrongs and replace the official histories with their more accurate unofficial ones.2
This, as might be expected, leads to a generally generational mashup of official historical accounts until the waters are so muddled nobody has any real idea of exactly who did what.3
This story is a rare example of history which was written by the underdogs and at the risk of pedantry it is also a history written by the underdonkeys, underoosters and undercats about what happens when a group of underinsertanimalhere gather together, examine their prospects and resolve to improve their lot in life on the strength of a vague rumor.
here was once a donkey named Steve who had been treated badly by his owner throughout his entire life. It wasn't just the beatings or the heavy loads or the long hours of work which caused his growing resentment. It was the beatings AND the heavy loads TAND the long hours of work which caused him to break from the stoic mindset which other donkeys in these kinds of stories possess.4
Steve finally made his decision after the latest in a series of long working days of carrying heavy loads and suffering under the ever present lash of his owners whip. For the last few days the irritating voice of the town crier had been shouting out the news and while his human cared only for the sports section Steve, being dangerously intelligent by donkey standards, always made sure to pay attention to the headlines and these particular headlines had been talking about the lack of a civic musician in the town of Bremen due to the fact the last one had left after it was revealed his duets with the young women of the town had produced enough babies to form a choir
“With my powerful voice” Steve assured himself as he expertly unlatched the farm gate and began the long walk towards Bremen “and my long hair they’ll naturally think I’m a kind of new age musician.
This gig is in the bag”
As he traveled down the long and winding road Steve encountered a dog who had been abandoned by his owner due to the fact he was covered in sores. Since it was clear that even old dogs get the blues the one man show quickly became a duo on the understanding that if they ever met up with Simon Cowel then the dog was permitted to bite him with no repercussions.
1
i.e. not the winners.
2
'accurate' being something of a relative term he
re. When it comes to putting your agenda forward accuracy is often the first casualty.
3
The only people who win in this scenario are the ones who write long and boring books on the minutiae of events which are inevitably described as best sellers despite the fact nobody actually seems to have bought a copy.
4
On top of everything else they're known as asses. Asses! All I can say is there had better be one hell of a karmic reward after all his is over.
Around an hour later a cat showed up to join the band. It did this without asking because cats are cool enough to get away with this.5
The trio wandered down the old country road debating what their music was going to sound like when they passed by yet another farmyard where a rooster was standing on the fence and crowing loudly.
“That’s a good voice you’ve got there” Steve observed
“It’s not going to save me though. I’ve just found out I’m invited to Sunday dinner with the farmer, three guesses as to what’s going to be served”
“Then why are you still here crowing so loudly?”
“The poor guy gets migraines easily, especially when he’s been hitting the bottle” the roosters voice raised to a shout “DON’T YOU”
The band ducked to avoid a pair of boots and stream of curses involving sharp pointy things being inserted into soft fleshy things.
“We’re going to Bremen to be singers” Steve said carefully once the shouting had died down “wanna come along?”
“It’d be healthier than hanging out around here. My names Crowel, Simon Crowel, by the way”
“So close” the dog remarked with genuine regret
“It's a long way to go for a terrible joke like that” the rest of the band agreed and went on their way in a futile attempt to leave the author of such bad jokes behind them.
By the time night fell the band had gone down forty miles of bad road and ended up in the type of forest you only find in Z grade movies with body parts in the title and, just as in those movies they followed a somewhat spooky light through the woods until they came across a somewhat rundown cottage.
We break from the narrative at this point to note something which is absurdly obvious to everyone reading. We know this maneuver to be a mistake since spooky forest plus rundown cottage in the woods does not a good time equal and leaving aside the exact grammatical nature of this aside aside it must further be pointed out there was nothing outwardly wrong with the house itself.
It wasn’t home to any cross dressing wolves and the only witch to ever show an interest in the place had long since been done in by a couple of young tearaways6.
The only real problem with the property was that the house was home and base of operations to a group of bandits who, as you’ll find out later, weren’t the sharpest triangles in the orchestra pit.
Climbing on each others backs in order to look through the window the band, rather predictably, saw the inside of the house. What they couldn’t have predicted was the group of bandits who were dancing, singing and generally cavorting around the place as criminals so often do in celebration of the success of their latest spree of banditry.7
This celebration of criminality faded into insignificance when the band noticed a table which was laden down with a vast amount of food and in pride of place was the birthday cake of the chief bandit.
Steve, having gone without food all door and unable to contain himself at the sight of the kinds of foods he’d only ever been able to dream about, reached out to nibble a particularly succulent piece of candied haggis and accidentally knocked over the solitary lantern which provided light to the house and bandits respectively, an act which spurred the bandits into action.
In the dark house the bandits were sorely outmatched by the four members of the band and faced with the choice of dealing with something ferocious which barked, meowed, brayed and crowed while 5
Technically speaking any cat who joins a band should wear sunglasses and play bass however cats take an ordinate amount of pleasure in bucking the trend.
6
Kids these days, am I right? Personally I blame television.
7
To be fair their last job had required a great deal of planning and attention to the details of the timing in order to work.
attacking in a variety of incredibly painful ways or running away each of the bandits made the decision to escape and hope this monster was satisfied with the pound of flesh it had already extracted.
As might be expected the house was quickly emptied except for the band who quickly took advantage to move in and enjoy some birthday cake washed down with a tall glass of irony.
After midnight a small, yet particularly brave bandit crept back to the now quiet house in order to find out what had happened, what was happening and what would happen if the bandits were to return and finally have some birthday treats.
In the darkness he mistook the eyes of the cat for a pair of burning coals and reached for them, because being brave doesn’t automatically translate into being clever.
The cat reacted as anyone else would do in the situation and his cries of pain woke the other band members who proceeded to give voice to their disapproval of their visitors chosen occupation.
Generally speaking, we don’t fell sorry for those who live on the wrong side of the law this one time we can feel sorry for those who live on the wrong side of the law this one time at least we can allow a smattering of sympathy because the poor bandit never had a chance, he was viciously clawed by the cat, mauled by the dog, scratched by the rooster8 and finally kicked through the door by the donkey.
“My brothers” the unluckiest bandit in the world reported back after the rest of the gang had given him some strong drink in order to calm his nerves “we can't go back, ever. There's a horrible witch who scratches, a demon who bites and a monster who beats you with a stick! I tell you I'm giving up this bandit lark”
This last bit he said to himself since the rest of the group had decided the life of a jolly jack tar was infinitely preferable to dealing with demons. At least at sea all you had to worry about were sea monsters and you always knew where you were with sea monsters.
Thus, it was the one band took over the house from the other band and with the booty left behind by the bandits they always had food on the table and lived happily and contented for many years.
8
Which, on the surface, sounds like he might have gotten off lightly until you remember roosters come equipped with talons, spurs, beaks and an overwhelming desire to escape from the stereotype of frightened chickens.
EXCOGITATION
•
If Steve the donkey is clever enough to decide on a career change why is it he never thinks about contacting the authorities to inform them about the bad conditions?
He doesn't have to do it from home of course, getting away from the bad situation has to be his priority. I'm just saying once he'd left there was nothing stopping him putting a call through to certain people.
•
Did anyone think to make shadow puppets before they did the lantern bit?
I ask this because whenever a certain type of person sees a mysterious shadow on the wall they immediately think “Batman! ”9
•
Does the band make it?
Given the simple and undeniable fact that the title is, after all, ‘The musicians of Bremen’ the answer an easy “Yes they did now lets move onto the next story if you don’t mind”
The simple fact of the matter is if this volume has taught us anything thus far it’s that there is no such thing as either a simple question or an easy answer and for those of who are prepared to deeply examine the narrative score we can see that while the answer is, in fact, yes. It’s a different yes than one would get if one only bothered to look at the surface 9
Actually there are two different types of people who think of Batman in these circumstances. At least one of these groups should be avoided unless you rea
lly, really, want to meet the caped crusader.
RATIOCINATION
On the surface it would appear this is one time when the good guys won and the bad guys lost with no repercussions for anyone who didn't deserve it. The farmer who originally owned Steve will eventually get a new donkey although, after a few days of being forced to carry the heavy loads by himself, he'll have learned his lesson and this new one will be treated somewhat better10.
After their brush with a witch, a demon and a monster, it is reasonable to assume the bandits will have all settled down to a variety of careers which keep them out of spooky forests and firmly on the path of the straight and narrow.
Each of the musicians have been living lives filled with misery and hardships until the point where they decide to take charge and follow their secret dreams of performing under the bright lights of Bremen which only proves the moral “You've got to be true to yourself”
It is at this point we discover something of a fly in the ointment since, if we're using this as a moral guideline, it means the title of the story has been misleading people and must be changed to something more fitting such as
“The musicians of the little house in the spooky forest where the bandits used to live”
It doesn't exactly trip off the tongue and this isn't the worst of it. By their actions we can deduce the band were only ever in it for the money because as soon as they got a house and all the loot they settled down to a life of comfort which means we must, once again, examine the title to reflect the truth
“The sellouts of the little house in the spooky forest where the bandits used to live”
I would like to be able to stop, I really would, except there's one more point to make. Since the band, who are now living comfortably off a large amount of stolen riches and the remains of birthday cake are officially involved with the music scene, while not actually doing anything as gauche as performing or as bourgeois as making any kind of contributions to the aforementioned music scene in any way, and in order to remain in line with the moral of the story the final title of this otherwise delightful tale can be revealed to be
Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 21