“The sellout hipsters of the little house in the spooky forest where the bandits used to live”
10 Only time spent under close scrutiny by various animal rights groups will tell.
THE PIED PIPER OF HAMLIN
In which we learn of the consequences of not paying your employees.
Bargains. They're the grease which keeps each cog of society moving smoothly although those who seek to make deals are judged on who they've dealt with in the past and how well the terms of the deal were fulfilled, all of which colours future relations with individuals.
It's simple really, people who keep their word are trusted whereas people who don't are avoided. The difficulty comes in being able to tell exactly who is who which brings us to the account of the titular piper who made a deal and trusted the terms would be honored. It is an interesting story which speaks of breach of contract, abduction and so many rats.1
With the possible exception of the ones where the Devil plays a literal role, it is possible the events in each of these stories are based on real events. This one is the most plausible of the collection since history is rife with incidents of rats, broken promises and honest townsfolk however it has been so long and the story has been told, retold and changed to suit the audience for so long it is now quite impossible for us to separate fact from fiction. A task that, it is worth pointing out, humanity has always struggled with.
n a certain country, nestled on the banks of a certain river there certainly lay the town of Hamlin. On the outside it wasn't much to look at although in truth they were an industrious people whose drab coverings concealed their rude bits quite nicely, although we don't want to Iget too personal here. The point of all this is Hamlin quickly grew from a small town into a large wealthy community and with their reputation for hard work everyone who lived there agreed life was pretty good.
Those pretty good times couldn't last forever though and one day the people started noticing the rat population around the town had exploded while the local cats, who were generally pretty good about keeping the vermin in check, were suddenly nowhere to be found. In the end the people of the town were forced to watch as a furry ocean of vermin overran the entire town. They ate their way through the barns and storehouses with a ravenous enthusiasm and once the grains were picked clean the rats got bored and started going after the slower members of the town and it was a dark day for Hamlin because anything which didn't most fast enough was fair game.
It didn't take long before the citizens of the town marched on the offices of the council and demanded something be done. In point of fact the council was on the ball and had been arguing about this subject since the rats had made off with the real agenda.
“What we need” one of the more junior members ventured to table an opinion “is an army of cats”
“The cats don't work you fool. They're all dead!”
“Wait a minute, who's been killing the cats? That sounds like it might be a worse problem than the rats.
I propose we set up an independent panel of inquiry to look into the absence of the cats”
“We don't have time to investigate trivialities” the mayor interrupted “however it happened the cats have failed us”
“What about poison? Would that work?”
“It might have done. If the rats hadn't already eaten all the food”
“They've done something unprintable in the coffee as well”
“No sir. It's always tasted like that”
1
The presence of the small furry things lets you know this is a story for children.
“It just can't be done without help” the mayor looked down in defeat “we'd better let the people know”
Just then, as if on cue, the council chambers were filled with a thunderous knocking. The council looked at each other uneasily and quickly submitted a motion to open the door which was seconded and voted upon.
Patiently waiting outside, among the large, rowdy and volatile mob was a thin man who wore brightly coloured clothes and a feather in his cap.
“Good evening, did you want something? Only we're all in session and busy passing a law to make rats illegal”
Mr Mayor the subject of the pernicious and pestilential vermin and their invasion of your otherwise bucolic locale is the reason I decided to visit your mayoral abode”
“Come again?”
“I'm here to talk about the rats”
“Why didn't you say so? If you have a complaint then you'll need to get in touch with our complaints department which is down the road and open from two to four on alternative workdays except for Tuesdays and certain bank holidays” the mayor attempted to close the door however the strange man managed to stick his foot in the gap at the last second.
“It's not a complaint which I bring to your door. Rather, it is joyous felicitations for the days of your shared occupation with the rats has finally come to a conclusionary finale. I have liberated other towns of similar plagues and for my reasonable fee of a thousand florins I'll be glad to rid Hamlin of every single rat, no matter how cunning”
“Using big words doesn't make you smart” complained the mayor, once he'd worked out what the stranger was talking about “if you succeed we'll give you fifty thousand2 and I'll warn you here and now.
We've heard this song from the cat wranglers, the rat chasers and dozens of others who were all proven to be both frauds and incompetents”
“I give you my word. By dawn the rats will be gone”
“Yes, that’s generally how the second verse goes”
In defiance of accepted fairytale lore the moon was neither full or numinous. Neither was it filled with any sort of occult significance which only proved, as more than one person pointed out, none of this would work and the town could hope to receive was a free concert by a rising star.
The thin piper ignored this talk as he stood in the town square and brought forth a wooden pipe which had been coated in gold paint and coated with glitter. His song started off slowly and quickly picked up as the piper made his way around the town followed by an ever growing audience of people and rats who ignored everything in their path to follow the pipers strange music.
Slowly the pipers trail led to the docks and the piper didn't hesitate to walk straight in still playing his song. He finally stopped walking when the water was up to his waist and continued playing while the rats climbed over each other in an effort to get closest to what was undoubtedly the greatest piece of music in the history of ratdom3 and none of them cared about the strong current, which quickly swept them away to some other town where the whole thing could start again.
After the initial drowning the piper made a final sweep of the city just to demonstrate there weren't any more rats to get rid off and by dawn, as he'd promised, he turned up at the council chambers looking for his money.
“Fifty thousand florins?” the new mayor, who had, until recently being a junior member of the cabinet, asked in puzzlement “I’m sorry sir but we don't remember anything about fifty thousand florins”
“Really?” the piper asked flatly “You don't remember the mayor standing right where you're standing and promising me the money if I got rid of the rats?”
2
What the hey? First rule of business is you don't haggle up.
3
Which was, admittedly a short list both historically and musically speaking.
“Ah that would be it. This agreement, and we're not saying there was one, would have been made with the previous administration. You would need to take it up with the department of previous arrangements along with the properly cited evidence of the agreed upon contract which would then be taken under consideration by the current administration after which time I feel certain you would receive your proper remuneration in due course”
“So what you're saying is you're not going to pay me”
“Without sufficient evidence to support your claim that is effectively what we're saying”
“Yo
u know, it was you people who promised fifty thousand florins. I'm happy to accept my usual price of a thousand”
“That sounds much more reasonable. We can certainly afford such a fee in return for services rendered” behind him the rest of the council smiled with an enthusiasm which made them look not unlike a group of tigers in anticipation of their next meal4.
“Great, I'm glad we could come to an arrangement”
“Yes. Only remind us again what your particular services are?”
“I rid your town of all the rats with my special song”
“I am sorry sir but your journey here was a wasted one since Hamlin doesn't currently have a rat problem. Therefore, I regret to inform you that we currently have no need of your services, however if you would leave your name we will certainly send for you should we require an exterminator in the future”
“You don't have a rat problem because I've been up since last night getting rid of them for you!”
“Whether it was, in fact, your song which caused the rats to jump into the river and incidentally we feel an internal committee should be set up in order to investigate the validity of your claim, remains to be seen. Of course to give you the benefit of the doubt I feel certain the council will approve the temporary reward of fifty florins, to be deducted from your final remuneration”
“Fifty? You are surely joking”
“I don’t think I am Mr Music. The rats are all dead, you never got anything in writing and the old mayor has absconded with Sharon to the general relief of everyone who had to drink her coffee. Now you turn up demanding payment for services rendered when we, the Hamlin Town Council, never officially retained said services. So the way I see it is you’ll either take the cash, leave and be happy or you can simply leave and we’ll all be happy. The ball is entirely in your court”
“You don't want to do this! You'll all see breaking your word to me is a mistake” The pipers eyes flashed with a barely restrained rage and vanished.5
“You know what I see?” the mayor turned to address the council “I see someone who's gotten rid of the rats and saved the city fifty thousand florins, all this in an election year too I might add so it might be prudent to assemble the impromptu celebration committee”
Throughout the night, freed from the nightmare of the rats and after the last of the celebratory parties had finally wound down, the citizens of Hamlin slept more soundly than ever, not everyone in the town was sleeping happily. The piper stood once again in the middle of the square and looked around one last time before drawing his pipe and starting to play a much darker tune than before.
Slowly at first and then more quickly the children of the town emerged from the dark buildings just as the rats had done and without a word they danced in the night while the piper led the dark procession through the town and away into the mountains until it reached the base of the largest mountain of them all. The piper added an extra trill to his song and an enormous crack appeared in the stone wall through which the children danced with no will of their own. Eventually the wall sealed itself and the music faded to nothing except distant echoes.
4
Caveat - Situations involving either politicians or tigers who take the time to smile should be avoided.
5
Exactly how he vanished is a matter of debate, some versions of the story have him being thrown out of town while others have him doing it through magical means. However they all agree he was, justifiably, not happy.
On the outside of the wall one last forgotten child remained. His lame foot had meant he hadn't been able to keep up with the others and was forced to bring the tale of what had happened to the children back to the council. At first the council ignored him as they ran about searching for the rest of the children.
Eventually the latest mayor was listened to the boys story with a growing sense of dread and the entire city followed their young guide to the side of the mountain where the rest of the children had danced.
It didn't help, no matter what the people did, no matter how many expeditions they financed or explosives they used the mountain never gave up its victims and it would be many years before the sound of children at play rang through the streets again. Nobody in Hamlin ever forgot the painful lesson and the story of what had happened was passed down through the centuries.
EXCOGITATION
•
What happened to all the cats?
Unlike dogs cats have always been somewhat capricious creatures and since the rats were suddenly outnumbering them twenty to one the actual act of hunting was suddenly not as fun as it used to be and also beginning to look like the traditional enemy of the feline race, actual work.
•
Right then, the town is overrun with vermin and Mr Piper “suddenly appears” and “just happens” to have a cure?
The fact nobody questions the careful timing of these events shows exactly how desperate the town was at this point.
•
Where did all these rats suddenly come from?
Presumably another town released them out of jealousy or they came from upriver where the piper had gotten rid of a few wagons of his well trained vermin.
•
Was taking the children in retaliation a bit of an overreaction?
Granted he's been cheated out of a great deal of money and even if the amount wasn't already a matter of some debate proper legal action would have tied him in red tape for a long time and keep in mind I'm judging this by our modern standards because it wasn't too long ago when enforcement of the law was a case of picking and choosing which ones would get enforced today and if the mayor told you to look the other way then you'd take pains to look the other way if you knew what was good for you.
•
What was inside the cave the children were taken to?
Although storytellers generally insist the children were taken to a better place, a land of candy and forever playtime if you will, I hesitate to accept it. Anyone who has had dealings with the fairy folk will know they are crafty creatures and well versed in the power of illusion.
Furthermore if, as some versions of the story would have you believe, the piper was actually one of the fair folk6 I would wager the land of candy and forever playtime would have lasted just long enough to get them into cages and ship them off to the markets where they were sold either as cheap labor, pets or a kind of exotic food7.
6
Not the sparkly kind with pretty wings, the older ones who need to be dealt with carefully or, preferably, not at all.
7
Possibly all three at the same time.
RATIOCINATION
'When in doubt, follow the money'
It's less of a moral lesson and more of a cliché drawn from a lifetime of pulp detective novels. Back when the rat infestation started and grew out of control anyone with the ability to leave chose to do so rather than live in a town where their children were constantly in danger of being nibbled by vermin.
With a large chunk of the population moving their families from Hamlin to Hamlout and taking their money with them it wouldn't have taken long before the towns coffers were empty since any civic operation requires a great deal of capital and they've still got to deal with the problem of the rats.
Logically speaking then, by the time the piper makes his appearance the only people left in the town and sitting on the council would have been the poor who, as a rule, don't have money and are said to make up for it, if all those Christmas specials are to be believed, by having large hearts and kindly natures.
The people of Hamlin are, therefore, the exception to the rule since what these people have is far too much pride and their refusal to tell the piper there is no money in the town is what ultimately cost them their younger generation.
THE SIX SWANS
In which the institution of marriage is tested.
Magic. That thing which, like science, looks easy but again, like science can both quickly and literally blow up in ones face1.
It may interest the reader to know that I, like so many others occasionally wax nostalgic for the old country and this week my nostalgic quota was filled while I looked over at the long list of improbable ingredients which were called for in what I laughingly refer to as a 'simple' love spell.
Leaving aside the fact love is only simple if you're a puppy2 I take pains to point out many of today's spells are complex in nature and so subtle in their effects it is difficult if not impossible to know whether they’re even working.
It never used to be like this. Back in the old world people didn’t muck around with crystals, phases of the moon or the placement of the stars because there was simply no point. Anybody with the right knowledge could point, shout “Hoopla!” and produce a satisfactory frog from a Prince or occasionally vice versa
The inner workings of the arcane only make up part of this story because what it's really all about is forests, royalty, the importance of family and the great lengths people will go to to [a] get one and [b]
hold on to same.
nce there happened to be a King. Despite the fact he was a particularly important king the fact he was one came as a surprise to exactly nobody fore reasons which shall be made clear at a later point in this narrative. Really the only fact which had come as Osomething of a surprise to the royal family was this kings love of hunting trips which often coincided with incredibly important, yet incredibly boring, meetings.3
One fine summers day he’d taken the royal court on a large hunting trip and in his enthusiasm managed to lose the hunt, the boar and himself in that order. His royal decision to wander around looking for two of the three things only ended up in him becoming even loster4 and just at the point where he was about to give up hope he looked up to see an old woman coming towards him.
Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 22