Cynical Tales for Cynical Children

by Timothy Ahern

  •

  Why didn't the pigs go out and fight the wolf?

  Granted the three pigs are generally described as being little but really that's a relative term.

  They are, after all, big enough to leave home. A home, I'll remind you, that was too cramped for them.

  Additionally, it isn't going to matter how big and bad you are when you're faced with a trio of boars who are in their prime and filled with righteous indignation at the fact that you've not only destroyed their homes but also proven their elder brother right9 then you're not going to stand there and tackle them head on.

  8

  Future Mafioso take note! It's this kind of thing you need to do in order to ascend to become the godfather.

  9

  It's difficult to know which is more infuriating.

  RATIOCINATION

  On the surface of it all this story is a thinly disguised moral tale wrapped around an easily digestible metaphor. The pigs themselves act as a kind of sliding scale of workers while the wolf represents the trials they face and clearly what all the good little boys and girls are meant to take away from all this is

  “You only get out what you put in10”

  It's only when you slow down and think about the amount of time the story spends focusing on the wolfs attempts to get into the houses of the pigs rather than the pigs attempts to get rid of the wolf that it becomes clear that this story is not actually aimed at any of the aforementioned good little boys and girls and but is cleverly designed to be taken in by children of the 'wolves' of the world.

  “Look at what happens when an outsider goes up against a family. They all stop

  fighting each other and gang up on you, the collected forces of evil represented in

  this story by the wolf11”

  Some might point to the fact that the wolf doesn't win in this or any version of the story and is, in point of fact, eaten by the pigs with mustard and a nice big slice of irony. It's clear to me that this story, written, as it is, under the rules of fairytale can't be seen to allow the villain to succeed.

  At the same time the failure of the wolf only serves to hammer home the lesson to the developing minds of little wolves everywhere12.

  “Think before acting, little metaphorical wolves of the world. Or it will be you

  who ends up in the entirely unmetaphorical cooking pot”

  10 With maybe some kind of rider along the lines of “and if you get told about a wolf in the area then take the time to strengthen your home defenses”

  11 Naturally you already knew this because you've been reading these notes this whole time.

  12 And, if you think about, especially to the big, bad, wolf although such revelations have arrived far too late to be of any real help.

  A BELT, A BALDRIC AND A CRAVAT

  In which differences are discussed and the book is concluded.

  In the story of The Emperors New Clothes the question about the exact differences between a belt, a baldric and cravat was asked and at the time I, the writer, promised those readers who didn’t know about these items a detailed explanation awaited them at the back of this volume.

  Since this book has been written for those with a more cynical tinge to their natures we can safely assume there are some crafty individuals who, having read the story, have simply skipped to this section in order to learn the difference between a belt, a baldric and a cravat1.

  However who am I to stand in the way of people gaining knowledge with which to be able to properly identify the intelligent people of society?2 The acquisition of knowledge and teaching of lessons is, after all the ultimate goal of this book3.

  It is my hope then, that with the acquisition of the former the reader will then go on to obtain the latter with an astonishing alacrity.

  1

  An act which simultaneously admits and confirms your lack of intelligence and also your somewhat devious natures.

  2

  To say nothing of the difference between a belt, a baldric and a cravat.

  3

  Strictly speaking the ultimate goal of this book is to make obscene amounts of money and eventually be turned into a series of cinematic masterpieces. The acquisition of knowledge and teaching of lessons is goal #42 which is just after

  #41: Purchase a moose and paint it purple.

  A Belt - A strap constructed from a robust material which, in these modern times, tightens ones pants.

  These materials are generally leather although the exact material used depends entirely on the whim of the maker. In medieval times a belt, usually of leather although cloth and rope examples have been uncovered, was used to hold onto ones pouch in which money or other valuable items were kept owing to the fact the pocket, as we know them today, is a relatively modern invention. The belt was also used to hang a wide variety of weaponry from so as to leave both hands free.4

  A Baldric - Wider and rather more singular in it’s use than a belt owing to the fact that it is worn over the shoulder and used for carrying a weapon which might be a heavier sword or a light rapier as the time period dictates. One of the key features of the Baldric is the large buckle which, owing to fit of the baldric itself could be something very simple or incredibly ornate and can be used as a badge of office or a convenient strap upon which to hang medals5.

  A Cravat – Can loosely be considered the forerunner to the modern neck tie if not it’s direct ancestor.

  The cravat is worn around the neck and underneath the jacket on those occasions where formality is required6.

  Having moved on from the ruffs which were large and expensive the cravat offered something of a break from the reinforcement of rules and regulations which governed life and those who first broke away from convention were considered daring indeed. Over the course of time the amount of material used in a cravat has been cut back to the point where it and the modern neck tie must be considered different articles of clothing.7

  4

  Until such time as violence was being either committed or defended against.

  5

  If you have enough medals to require a baldric to carry around all your medals it might be worth looking into hiring someone to carry your medals around since you will undoubtedly be winning more.

  6

  Such as when one meets the Queen or a similarly titled head of state where the seemingly innocent faux pas of being improperly dressed could have dire consequences.

  7

  If you saw this one from a mile away then you belong to the ranks of both cynical and intelligent people.

  Congratulations, your membership pack will arrive in 3 – 6 working days.

  Document Outline

  INTRODUCTION

  BEAUTY AND THE BEAST Let's keep this as simple as possible. Even the most uninformed of readers will have heard of Gray Trading, given that it is impossible to get something from nothing it will come as no surprise to learn that well before it was a global multinational company it was little more than a one man family business which was both owned and operated by a trader named Francis Gray.

  excogitation

  ratiocination

  CINDERELLA Throughout the length and breadth of the entirety of human history there has never been a story such as this one. True, there have been sad stories or characters who had to live in distressing circumstances but the depths of tragedy in which this young woman lived makes me question whether this is even a story children should be told. However I am merely the humble narrator and ultimately it is up to the reader to decide if they should proceed with this story.

  Excogitation

  Ratiocination

  GODFATHER DEATH There was once a man named William who had twelve children. Because none of them were old enough to bring in any kind of money he had to work day and night to ensure there was food on the table and clothes on their back. It was entirely due to an advanced degree in time management skills and an extremely understanding wife he managed to schedule enough alone time in order to bring
about his thirteenth child.

  Excogitation

  Ratiocination

  GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS There was once a village situated by an extensive forest. On the outskirts of the forests lived the Teddy Bear family.1 There was the father who was best described as large, the mother who was only slightly smaller and the baby who would have been the only one who could be described as a teddy bear although only by someone who had never seen a teddy bear before.

  Excogitation

  Ratiocination

  HANSEL AND GRETEL It is in a large forest where our tale of woe begins and in a small house where we meet our principal characters. In this case it's a poor woodcutter and his two children Hansel and Gretel. Their mother had died and the woodcutter had managed to remarry, his new wife was hard on the children and was forever nagging her husband whenever the family sat at the table and stared at her latest offering of three day old bathwater soup.

  Excogitation

  Ratiocination

  RAPUNZEL As it happens there was once a husband and his wife or possible a wife and her husband. Unlike many of the other families in the town the pair enjoyed a happy life in their comfortable house which sat at the edge of a verdant forest. For all intents and purposes life was good and yet one day they failed to meet their daily quota of happiness. Upon investigation of the reasons behind this it was sheepishly revealed that Bridget had fallen to the point where she was refusing food and water..2

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  RUMPELSTILTSKIN It starts off simply enough. There was once a woman named Millicent who had a daughter named Althea, rather predictably this small fact made her a mother.2 While this has happened many times throughout history and, it is to be hoped, will continue happening for the foreseeable future we are forced to concentrate our gaze on this family in particular due to a rather distressing tendency on the part of Millicent.

  EXCOGITATION

  Ratiocination

  JACK AND THE BEANSTALK Jack was poor, this was a fact there was no getting away from. He lived with his poor old mother in their poor old house, shared his room with Daisy, their poor old cow and an innumerable amount of mice, none of whom had names. As time went on Daisy stopped giving milk and rather than letting Jack eat her his mother ordered him to take the cow into town and sell her to anybody gullible enough to believe she was still giving a gallon of milk every hour.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  SLEEPING BEAUTY There was once, in a far off land, a royal family consisting of only a king and queen. All day and night they worried at the fact they had no heirs. To you or I this small fact might seem to be unimportant bu the crown is a heavy burden and there were more than a few low hanging branches of the royal family tree who eyed both it and the throne with poorly disguised longing. The lack of royal progeny was a terrible state of affairs which needed to be remedied as quickly as possible plus nine months.

  excogitation

  ratiocination

  SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS Alright then lets see what we've got to work with. There was once a castle, a fact which surprises exactly zero people. In that castle was a young woman who held the rank of princess. The fact this young woman was also beautiful is only ever going to be news to the tourists and the three people who haven't taken the time to read the introduction.1

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  PUSS IN BOOTS It so happened that once, as they say, upon a time there was a miller who died of a combination of old age and thinking he was able to lift heavy sacks of flour without any help. As he had reached a state of happily ever after the day he'd gotten married and the physical evidence of this was provided by his three sons there really is no reason for the general reader to mourn his passing.

  EXCOGITION

  ratiocination

  THE ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER When you take into consideration the whims and assorted peculiarities of the third race it is understandable if variations of this story have been played out before. Unless you happen to be a Smith of some description that is. Elves and fairies don't do well against cold iron, a fact they would quite like us to forget and thus is important to remember.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE EMPERORS NEW CLOTHES Many years ago there was an emperor, this in itself wasn't surprising because many years ago there were considerably more emperors about the place. This particular emperor was named Fred and he was fond of clothing, actually this would be putting it mildly since all of his money was spent on fashionable attire to the point where he didn't bother with going to the opera, maintaining his armies or even going hunting unless there was an opportunity to swan about in a new set of fine clothing.

  excogitation

  ratiocination

  THE FROG PRINCE Back in the days when wishing still helped3 there was a castle in which lived a king who ruled over all he surveyed, currently this included a great deal of valuable land, innumerable peasants of questionable worth and several beautiful daughters. Finally, and in order to dissuade the attentions of potential Lotharios, the king also surveyed a highly effective brute squad who often took pains to make certain everyone agreed the royal children were among the most beautiful, if not the most beautiful, in the land.

  excogitation

  RATIOCINATION

  THE GOLDEN GOOSE Once upon a time, when this sort of thing still happened, there happened to be a woodcutter named Thaddeus who was somewhat unique in the field of woodcutting because he didn't make a habit of bursting into random houses on the off chance of catching any crossdressing wolves.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE DEVILS SOOTY BROTHER There was once a man who wasn't happy with his place in the world. This was largely because he had been conscripted into the army, marched away from his home for reasons of patriotism which had never been made clear to him and then discharged for a variety of reasons which would made clear later in the narrative. He had nothing to live on and didn't hold much hope for being able to make his way in the world. As he walked through the forest considering his current position or, more accurately his complete lack of current position he met a man who could only be the Devil mentioned in the title.

  excogitation

  ratiocination

  THE LITTLE MERMAID Far beneath the dry land upon which humanity thrives is a vast ocean wherein forgotten horrors lie sleeping.1 It is in this realm aquatic and it is with a hitherto unrevealed fact that our story begins. While it may seem as though the watery depths of the realm aquatic is governed by chaos and an 'get them before they get you' philosophy in reality all of the oceans of the world are ruled over by a single king of the sea.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE LITTLE PEAR GIRL There was once, a long time ago a peasant. Since the entire system of monarchy falls apart if there's only one we can safely assume there were more hanging around off camera. Anyway, it's this individual peasant person who had spent his entire life working hard on the land. I'll grant you that this may not be the most surprising fact in the world since the entire reason for peasants is to work hard on the land.4.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE MUSICIANS OF BREMEN There was once a donkey named Steve who had been treated badly by his owner throughout his entire life. It wasn't just the beatings or the heavy loads or the long hours of work which caused his growing resentment. It was the beatings AND the heavy loads AND the long hours of work which caused him to break from the stoic mindset which other donkeys in these kinds of stories possess.4

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE PIED PIPER OF HAMLIN In a certain country, nestled on the banks of a certain river there certainly lay the town of Hamlin. On the outside it wasn't much to look at although in truth they were an industrious people whose drab coverings concealed their rude bits quite nicely, although we don't want to get too personal here.
The point of all this is Hamlin quickly grew from a small town into a large wealthy community and with their reputation for hard work everyone who lived there agreed life was pretty good.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE SIX SWANS Once there happened to be a King. Despite the fact he was a particularly important king the fact he was one came as a surprise to exactly nobody fore reasons which shall be made clear at a later point in this narrative. Really the only fact which had come as something of a surprise to the royal family was this kings love of hunting trips which often coincided with incredibly important, yet incredibly boring, meetings.3

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE SWINEHERD There was once a relatively unimportant country which was also small and poor. It was so small that those kings who were in the mood to invade somewhere invariably overlooked it and the few who did notice its existence also noticed it was of no use militarily speaking and would be nothing but a drain on their royal coffers. It was in this way that the country remained free from war and under the leadership of the good Prince Andrew.

  EXCOGITATION

  RATIOCINATION

  THE THREE ARMY SURGEONS It once happened that there were three people who happened to be something of a sutured incision above the rest due to the fact each of them were surgeons. Of course to simply label them as surgeons and leave it at that is something of a foul calumny because these three had managed to live through the latest war to end all wars and there were many soldiers who were alive due to their ministrations.