Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  Eventually he broke his gaze from Conner, who hadn’t even blinked during their little staring competition, and walked to the drawer. On opening it, he found the card and a very familiar diamond bracelet. He instantly sucked in a breath and ran his fingers across it. Her fucking perfume assaulted his nose and as he closed his eyes, he saw her face staring right back at him, those big brown eyes of hers tearing him in half just a little bit more. He felt the outer world disappear as she consumed his brain again, her fingers on his skin, her hair fanned out across his chest and those three fucking words falling from her mouth, the same ones he longed to hear again.

  “She hasn’t done anything, you know? You really have screwed it up this time,” Conner drawled with distaste. Alex swung round to meet his eyes. “Go and put some fucking clothes on and then make yourself some coffee. It’s time you heard some home truths, Alex.”

  He continued to look at Conner with his mouth gaping open like a bloody idiot. Did he just say that Elizabeth hadn’t done anything wrong? What the fuck was wrong with the man? She quite obviously had, and that Conner was even daring to bring her up in conversation was just unbelievable. Rage welled again. Was he trying for another fight? Images suddenly flew to his brain with remarkable clarity - Conner pulling him by the shoulders from a woman who was cowering on the floor beneath him; his hand around her neck, her brown eyes a mixture of terror and dread, her fake red hair falling around her shoulders barely covering the reddened marks that were already on her skin. He could almost hear her screams of desperation as she scampered backwards while he was being dragged away from her. There were others in the room, too - a blonde tied to the wall and another one kneeling in the corner with her head covered, both crying and pleading for their release. He shook his head to clear the visions and instantly realised that he’d completely lost control, and that had Conner not been there yesterday, this morning would have been an entirely different scenario for him.

  He shuddered and closed his mouth as more self-loathing consumed him. The culpability of his actions hit him so hard that he found it difficult to put one foot in front of the other as he tried to move towards Conner’s room. Hanging his head in shame, he eventually opened the door and pulled some jeans and a t-shirt from the drawers, his brain trying desperately to shut the images off that were now rapidly coming back to him. Fighting, lots of fighting.

  Buttoning up the jeans and pulling the black t-shirt over his head, he was suddenly reminded of his friend’s loyalty again. He squeezed his eyes shut as the anguish slowly started to rise and he tried to dispel what he’d just thought about.

  “If you want to hit someone then use me. I won’t let you hurt anyone else,” Conner had said as he’d thrown him against the wall, violently. And then the whole scene erupted in his mind. He cringed and slumped backwards onto the bed as he relived the moment when he’d done exactly that and Conner, his friend, had taken the entire thing without even trying to stop him.

  Oh Christ, what had he done? Visions of Andrews eventually pushing him into a car ended the painful memories and then there was nothing again.

  Sighing, he looked down at his hand and opened and closed his fist. He really was a worthless piece of shit. What sort of maniac would do that? He continued to sit there staring at the nothingness, trying to process how it had all gone so wrong. He couldn’t blame her for this. Yes, she might have been the catalyst, but these actions were all his own and at the moment, he was damned close to walking himself right off the Brooklyn Bridge. He didn’t have any right to be happy, never had, and regardless of what she’d done, she was still the most perfect creature that had ever been created. It sickened him to think that he ever thought love a possibility from her. Why the fuck would the version of her that he thought he’d known ever want someone as corrupted as him?

  He noticed a movement in the doorway and realised that Conner was watching him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again without moving his gaze from the window. “I remember now.”

  Conner stared for a few more minutes then slowly made his way across to the bed and sat down next to him with a loud exhale of breath.

  “Good, maybe you can think a little more rationally now then, you dick.” Alex couldn’t help the rise of the corner of his mouth. There were few who could speak to him like that and get away with it. He supposed the man had more right than ever at the moment.

  “Are you okay? I mean...” He gestured towards his face and body vaguely. The fact that the bruising matched Conner’s hair would have been funny if anybody else had caused it. The blues and pinks seemed to roll together effortlessly.

  “No, I’m not. It fucking hurts like a bitch. I’m still trying to work out whether I’ll return the favour once I can move again,” he replied as he crossed his ankles and stared back to the window with a Conner grin starting to form. Alex frowned and stood up. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he wandered back over to the view.

  “She hurt me. That’s never happened before and I couldn’t think clearly. I shouldn’t have started drinking. It was fucking stupid of me,” he said as he thought of her with Henry, his hands holding her as they danced.

  “No she didn’t, you idiot. You hurt you,” Conner replied sarcastically. His head swung round to Conner instantly. What the fuck did he know? He wasn’t there.

  “No, Conner, I saw them together. He was touching her and she was enjoying every bloody minute of it,” he said as the image of Henry’s hands on her legs ripped through him again like a knife. “And you can fuck off if you think I’m listening to any of your sanctimonious bullshit about this. She’s a whore, maybe a perfect one, but a whore nonetheless.”

  “Do you really believe that of her? Is that what you honestly think she is?”

  Alex sneered and turned back to the window. Whatever he may have believed of her wasn’t relevant, was it? The bitch had destroyed any remnant of hope he was clawing onto. She was now just another pawn in a game.

  “Yes,” he replied, although the moment he’d said it that strange doubt shit flickered across him as her eyes bored through him again. He sighed and leant his head on the glass.

  “Then you were right, you don’t deserve her. I don’t know why I’m bothering,” Conner mumbled from behind him.

  Didn’t deserve her? Jesus, he’d tried hadn’t he? He’d done everything a decent man should do and look what it had gotten him. He rubbed his head against the cool glass and snorted in disgust. Damned emotions weren’t worth shit and now Conner wanted more from him?

  “What do you want from me, Conner? She’s fucking that bastard and helping him destroy me. I don’t know how you expect me to handle that but you shouting her fucking praises is not helping.”

  “I expect you to fucking trust someone, Alex. Just give someone a bloody chance. Why the hell didn’t you just ask her about it?” His head swung around to face the dick.

  “What?”

  “Why didn’t you just walk up to her like a normal fucking human being and ask her how she knew Henry?” What, and play happy families or something? What the hell was he going on about?

  “They were all over each other. You expect me to go give them a fucking hug? Join in?”

  “Jesus Christ, you saw nothing, Alex. Your absurd brain made up something that wasn’t fucking there. And it clearly still is. You’re bordering on insane. You know that, right?”

  “Fuck off. I know what I saw.”

  “No, you really don’t,” the dick cut in with his arms outstretched and a snarl forming. Alex raised a brow and sneered in return. This was getting irritating. Much as he hated looking at the man’s bruising, if he’d tried this shit last night, he wasn’t surprised he’d beaten the shit out of him.

  “Conner, this is getting fucking dull. I’m not a damned idiot. They were-”

  “OH, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, GET A GRIP, ALEX!” The dick shouted at him. “This is Beth we’re talking about. Beth. You’re a complete fucking idiot. In fact, I should kill you for your idioc
y. Did you even think about what you saw?”

  “What the fuck is your problem? Look, I’m sorry about the face but I’m going. I’ve had enough of this, and I want a damned drink,” he said as he headed across the room towards the door. This was getting old and being angry around an already beat up Conner was not wise.

  “Of course you do. Standard fucking response.” His eyebrows shot up as he stopped and turned back again. “Coke, too? Or are you just going to find a different kind of whore to vent yourself on again?”

  What the hell?

  He stared for a few seconds, trying to stop the rage, his fist suddenly clenching as he tried his damndest to not allow Conner his taunts. The man was the only one who did this to him, the only one who had ever found a way to tap into his emotions and use them against him. Well, apart from Pascal and that was entirely different. He pulled in a long breath and flexed out his hands as he looked at the pink and blues on his friend’s face. His friend. Christ, the woman was even destroying his relationship with him now, the only decent one he’d ever been a part of.

  “Why are you trying to wind me up? Whatever the fuck this was, Conner, it’s finished, done. I’m not going to do this with you. I’m not going to stand here and listen to you.”

  “Jesus, Alex,” the dick shouted again. He narrowed his eyes in return and took a step back as he forced his hands into his pockets.

  “Conner, don’t do this,” he warned as his hackles got the better of him. Bruising or not, the man should know better. Conner sighed in response and stared back until his head dropped into his hands.

  “Is it really that hard for you to just believe in something? Belle went to school with Sarah, you twat. They were best friends. They’ve all known each other for years. He’s like a brother to Beth. It’s your own bloody paranoia that caused all of this.”

  What?

  He blinked in response as his chest constricted at the thought. What were the odds that this had all been a mistake? Okay, a catastrophic mistake but maybe it was possible that he’d gotten it wrong. Something never did feel quite comfortable about the whole situation, but he’d put that down to the fact that he’d never been in love before. In love. Elizabeth. Her eyes assaulted him again as he stared blankly into Conner’s. He could almost feel her in his arms again, sense her moulding herself all over him, taste her skin, her mouth. He felt his fingers lightly tapping against his leg and opened his mouth to reply.

  “I...” Instantly realising he hadn’t got a fucking clue what to say, he just closed his mouth again and looked at Conner for more clarification on the matter.

  “Well fuck me. Speechless? That’s almost worth the pain,” Conner said as he raised himself from the bed slowly and shuffled his way around the corner towards him. “Come on. We need some coffee and I need some more pain killers,” he said as he grabbed onto the doorframe awkwardly. Quickly moving to his side, he grasped at his arm to support him. Conner tensed but looked at him with a smile. “Do not even think about going all knight in shining armour on me, you arsehole, and if you pick me up, I will find the strength to kill you.”

  “I...”

  “Still nothing? Fucking amazing,” he said with a huge Conner grin. It wasn’t that fucking funny. In fact, nothing about any of this was amusing in the slightest. His mind wrapped around visions of her eyes in tears and then Conner’s bruised face. What the fuck had he done?

  “I don’t deserve your humour, Conner. Please don’t try to make light of this,” he replied sharply as they continued down the hall. As much as Conner’s wit was legendary, this just wasn’t the time for it.

  “No, you don’t, so you better start planning what the fuck you’re going to do to fix this.”

  He sighed as he lowered Conner to the sofa in the lounge. He had no fucking idea, and he still didn’t even know if he believed he’d made such a stupid error in judgement. It just wasn’t like him to get something so wrong.

  “I’m going to make coffee. I need to get this drink out of my system and then I need to think.”

  When he returned with the drinks, Conner was stretched out across the sofa, fast asleep with one leg dangling over the edge. He gently lifted it up and pulled the blanket across him. Moving back to the chair, he sat down and started to sip at his drink. The taste was bloody disgusting but after he’d drunk it, he picked up the other one and swallowed that down as well.

  Glancing around the room, he tried to find something to focus on while he thought about how to find a way back in. Eventually his gaze landed on the bracelet lying on the drawers. He walked over to it and brought it back to the chair with him, squeezing it tightly. She wouldn’t make it easy for him and she had every right to make it as difficult as she could. In fact, the sudden realisation hit him that she might not want him back at all. Oh, that wasn’t good. And Christ, Belle… He hadn’t even thought about her. She would be peppering every conversation with how much of an overwhelming basket case he was. There’s no way she would even allow her sister to consider the possibility of reconciliation. She would more than likely be pushing her sister to get straight back out there and drop him like a tonne of bricks. He had to give it to her, she was a formidable woman and he smiled at her loyalty. Elizabeth would never be alone with Belle beside her.

  Two hours later and several more coffees, he was still sitting there trying to formulate some sort of plan when he heard Conner groan and attempt to sit up. He reached over for the concoction of pills and water and handed them to him. Conner threw the little tablets of happiness down his throat with complete ease and swallowed the water back. The man was far too comfortable with pills for his liking, but he supposed the guy had been swallowing various concoctions for most of his life. Tipping his head back on the sofa, he turned it sideways to look across at him.

  “Have you worked it out yet?” he asked as he pushed his feet up onto the coffee table.

  “No, not yet. I can’t find a way past Belle,” he replied with a snort of laughter. He knew Conner would appreciate the irony.

  “Ah yes, my beloved. Don’t worry about her. She might not be as inflexible as you think,” Conner replied with a chuckle, which caused another groan of pain. “I’d be more worried about Beth. She’s a mess, man. You’ve done some real damage.”

  “She is? I don’t suppose I even deserve another chance with her,” he said as he hung his head back down and stretched out his aching hand. “Or with you.”

  Conner smiled. “You might be the biggest dick on the planet, Alex, but you’re my only family. How many other people do you think I’d do this for?” he said as he waved his hand at the bruising. “You know how much I love my face.”

  “Why the fuck didn’t Michael stop me?”

  Conner laughed and stood up slowly. “He was a little busy holding off the three guys who wanted to kill you. Apparently you’d already pissed off most of the doms in the room by taking all their pretty little things. Poor little girls had been falling over themselves to go in with you.” Alex sighed and thought of his apparent father figure.

  “Oh, right. Is he okay?”

  “Of course he is, ‘Mr. I’ve been through two wars.’ The man should have been a cage fighter or something,” he said with a grin. Alex nodded and got up to go and make more coffee.

  Conner reached into his pocket and pulled out Alex’s keys, dumping them onto the table in front of him as he walked towards the kitchen. “Now go home and sort yourself out. I trust I can leave you to your own devices without having to worry about you now,” he said as he turned back and raised an eyebrow. Alex picked up the keys.

  “Yes, thank you. I’ll be fine now.” He sighed and stood up. “You’re not coming back with me?”

  “No, I think I’d better stay here for a while and let this face heal. I doubt Belle would be very enamoured with me if she knew what happened. I’m guessing she probably wanted the violence to happen the other way around.” Alex frowned. He hadn’t thought of their relationship and what any of this could do to the
m. A surge of loyalty instantly reminded him that he should be here with Conner, that he should look after the mess he’d created.

  “Then I’ll stay, too. I don’t think a few days will make any difference anyway and frankly I need the time to get my head together.” Conner smirked as Alex dropped his keys back on the hall table and followed him through to the kitchen. “You want something to eat?” he asked as he opened the fridge.

  “You’re going to cook for me?” Conner chuckled as he took a seat at the breakfast bar.

  “I think it’s the least I can do, don’t you?” he replied as he looked across at him. Conner raised a brow and pulled the paper across to read, flicking instantly to the business section. For a man that looked like a strung-out rock god, the genius across from him had one hell of a business brain.

  “You’re up two points on the stock exchange. Rumours of this deal are flying, man. You seriously need to get your shit back together,” Conner exclaimed as he scanned the prices. Alex sighed at the thought of his company and the impending storm that was brewing. Henry De Ville was trying to destroy everything, and funnily enough, he’d just let him win the first move. All the dick had done was dance with her and his own fucking paranoia and jealousy had caused all this shit to happen. Clearly the bastard knew him far too well. He should have trusted her but instead he’d fallen for Henry’s little game and left her alone, probably heartbroken.

  “I told her I didn’t love her,” he said as he dumped bagels on the top and remembered her mouth moving around those words of love and happiness.

  “I know,” Conner replied, not lifting his head and picking up a pen.

  “I think I lied,” he continued quietly as he found a knife and began to look for bacon and eggs. The man never had anything to eat in his kitchens.

  “I know.” Conner sighed, almost with boredom as he continued scribbling. This was news. How the fuck would he know that?