Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  “Ma’am, I-”

  I cut him off. “No, that’s it. It’s Elizabeth or nothing at all, I’m afraid.” His eyes shoot to Alex’s and I watch him look at me with narrowed eyes. “And don’t you do that either. You can have me, Alex, anyway you want me, but there are some things that will be on my terms,” I say with fire as I stare at him and give him my best don’t piss me off look. Eventually, he opens his beautiful mouth.

  “Feisty,” he says with a smirk as he hands me a vanilla latte and picks up what I assume is a double espresso. “Michael, call her whatever she likes.”

  “Good, nice to meet you, Michael,” I reply as I sip and look over at him.

  “You too, Elizabeth.” I turn back to Alex with a smile. He chuckles at me and shakes his head. First battle won.

  “So where to?” I ask as I look at his gorgeous face and sigh dreamily.

  “I need to go to the Lake District to see someone and I thought we could stay for the weekend. It’s nice up there,” he replies as he laces our fingers together and rests his head back to look across at me.

  “Who do you need to see?”

  “I don’t know who she is yet. Her name’s Mrs Molly Peters and I’m not sure what she means to me at the moment. That’s why we’re going.” Interesting.

  “Are you going to explain that any further because it didn’t make a whole lot of sense?” I say as I bring my knees up and snuggle into the seat. God, I’m tired. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a file. “What’s that?” He passes it over to me and I open the first page absentmindedly.

  “Oh my God, who’s that?” I ask as I shift in my seat and stare at him in bewilderment. He hasn’t got any family. He told me that, but the woman in this picture looks so much like him it’s actually slightly scary. If Alex had a sister, this is what she would look like. She’s got the same eyes, the same questioning gaze and I can’t quite get over what I’m looking at as I look back at him.

  “Quite,” he replies with a smile. “That’s what we’re going to find out.”

  “When did you...? How did you...? Why haven’t you said anything?” I ask in complete confusion. How could he keep something so important from me?

  “I didn’t know what to think, and I haven’t said anything because you have been a more pressing requirement to me lately,” he says as he pulls me across the seat and onto his lap. I immediately straddle him and gaze at him again.

  “Are you okay about it?” I ask as I hold up the picture and look at it next to his face. It really is quite freaky. They could be twins.

  “I don’t know yet, and with you sitting on my cock, I don’t think I really care,” he replies as he grabs the picture, throws it to the floor, puts his hands around my backside and yanks me towards him forcefully. “You’re talking too much. There are far more appropriate things to do with that mouth of yours so kiss me, Elizabeth, and for fuck’s sake mean it this time. You’ve made me wait long enough.” So I do, with everything I’ve got, knowing that I’ve given him permission to do whatever he wants again and relishing the thought of it.

  By eleven o’clock we’re driving down the motorway in a blacked out Audi, heading towards Keswick. Apparently that is where Mrs Molly Peters lives. I find myself gazing out of the window, watching the beautiful scenery whizz past and thinking. The atmosphere on the flight was calm and collected as we talked about varying topics, but I could feel the underlying tension in him. He was nervous and I understood why. What would it be like to find out you potentially had a sister that you didn’t know about? Especially when you thought you had no one in your life apart from an arsehole father. I tried to keep the conversation light and breezy. I talked about work and asked him about skiing. He asked me to go to Austria with him on holiday, and I said yes I’d love to, but unfortunately that was the extent of the depth of talking. Does he want me to root deeper? What exactly is he struggling with?

  As we pull into a small town and make our way around roundabouts, I realise he’s hiding himself away again. He’s doing what he does best. To the outside world he’d look like a man in complete control, but to me he looks like a man in pain. Given our conversation this morning about me being ready for him, I have to help him out of this. It’s more for me than it is for him. I know he’ll be okay if he does this his way, but I won’t be. He has to talk to me about this and let me be part of this for him.

  “How do you feel?” I blurt out, hoping to surprise him into reacting as I watch his fingers tighten on the wheel.

  “Fine,” he clips as he continues to manoeuvre his way through the small town streets. I sigh and put my hand on his thigh.

  “Alex, you are definitely not fine. Please talk to me. You brought me with you for this so let me help you.” His eyebrow quirks up the tiniest bit as he turns onto another duel carriageway smoothly and looks for all the world like he’s happy as Larry. But I felt his thigh tighten beneath my fingers. He’s absolutely not fine.

  “I’m fine,” he says again. I’m not having this at all.

  “Pull the car over,” I say quietly. He keeps on driving. “Alex, I asked you to pull the car over.” He still keeps driving. I undo my seat belt and reach for the handle.

  “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” he shouts as he lunges across me and grabs my hand before I get to the handle. I glare at him and shake his hand off.

  “So stop the fucking car!” I scream back at him. He quite literally throws the car to the side of the road and slams on the brakes. His hands shake on the steering wheel as he sits there silently, breathing hard, and I suddenly realise that he’s fuming with rage. I look across at his face, hoping that he’ll turn to me but he doesn’t so I get out of the car and take a few calming breaths. Don’t back down, Beth. Just hold on. Christ, its cold. Where’s my coat? Oh, sod it.

  I hear the car door open after a few minutes and feel myself stiffen. I have no idea what I’m about to get but I’ve got to be ready for it. I will not let him shut me out of his feelings. He cannot tell me he loves me and then close himself down on me the moment it gets tough for him.

  “What the hell were you going to do? Launch yourself out of the fucking car?” he shouts at me as he rounds the corner and kicks the car, denting it. Shit, he’s still angry.

  “If that’s what it took to get you to talk to me, yes,” I reply quietly, refusing to let him wind me up. He kicks the car again and I look at the second dent in amazement.

  “Fuck,” he says as he stomps off with his hands on his head. I watch him as he finds somewhere to stop and looks into the distance blankly. Where is his head at? What does he need from me?

  He’s kicking at the ground a little and looking up to the sky now. His hands have returned to his pockets and his stance looks a little more relaxed so I tentatively make my way over to him, hoping he’ll open up. He pulls in a long breath as he hears me approaching and looks down at the floor.

  “Have you calmed down now?” I ask softly as I gaze at him from a couple of feet away with my hands tightly wrapped around myself.

  “Not really,” he huffs, but I can hear he has and I smile to myself. God, I love him, every single bit of him.

  “I love you,” I say tenderly. “Let me in. Tell me how you feel.” His head turns to me slowly and the smile that spreads across his mouth is simply breathtaking. He walks toward me, chuckling to himself, and pulls me toward him.

  “Say that again,” he says as he looks into my eyes with that beautiful smile still firmly in place. Is that all he needed? God, what an idiot, Beth.

  “I love you, Alex White, and I need you to let me in. I want to know all of you. I want to feel everything with you and if you want me, you’re going to have to give that to me because I won’t do this any other way,” I say as I grip his arms and hope that he understands. He apparently does because that damned eyebrow raises and he sucks in a breath. Before I realise it, his hand is around my neck and he’s kissing me with such force that I’m losing all thoughts of sanity. My brain instantly transpo
rts me to a bedroom and I’m seriously considering letting him take me right here. He drops my neck and travels his hands down to my backside to hoist me up against him. He’s so warm and I feel myself melting into him as my nipples peak against him, losing all thoughts of where we are as his tongue reminds me what it’s capable of and his soft lips mould themselves around me. My arse hits the bonnet of the car and he pulls away and travels those lips down my neck as his hands find their way under my jumper and tease my skin with his grip on me. Suddenly I realise what he’s doing. He’s using sex as a way of getting around this. Little shit. Pushing him away a bit before I completely lose my body to him, I put my mouth to his ear.

  “I love you, and you can distract me from this now if you want, but I will ask you again.” His body tenses as his kisses on my neck still but he relaxes again with a sigh and looks back into my eyes.

  “Spoilsport,” is his response as he moves backwards and helps me into the car. “But can we please go somewhere warmer. Your nose is blue and I’ll have to remove the disgusting thoughts I was having before I can find the more confusing ones you’re asking for again,” he continues with a smirk as he walks around the car and gets in. He’s got a point because the moment my arse hits the heated seats, I sigh in response and relax back into the comfort of the drive.

  “What were they? Your thoughts? The ones you need to remove,” I ask as I turn my head towards him. Perhaps some naughtiness will help him open up.

  “You have no idea what you make me think of, do you?” he replies as his mouth twitches and he continues staring forward.

  “Tell me then.”

  “When you’re ready, I’ll show you, Miss Scott.”

  Oh, okay.

  As we approach what can only be described as a stately home of a hotel, I gasp at the stature of the place. It’s vast. The ivy that covers the entirety of the outside gently drapes across every window of which there are many and the gardens are manicured to within an inch of their lives. I instantly imagine a lord of the realm and his mistress running through the pathways to their secret liaison in the summerhouse that I’ve noticed. My eyes follow the line past the small pretty building to find a forest of dense trees spreading as far as I can see. It’s as if the hotel is hidden from the rest of the world, just for the special few to enjoy. He pulls the car up to the front and gets out as a man in full red livery walks towards the boot of the car elegantly. He’s not rushing. He’s probably dealt with hundreds of the Alexander Whites of the world his whole life and he is beyond composed as he smiles quietly and welcomes Alex as Mr. White and then offers me his hand. Clearly before I can take it, Alex moves in front of him with a low rumble of a growl emanating from his chest. I raise an eyebrow at him and slide my hand into his.

  “You really don’t have to. I’m all yours,” I whisper as we walk to the door.

  “I absolutely do, Elizabeth, and I will continue to do so,” he replies loudly as he follows Mr. Red Livery to the desk.

  The dark-haired beauty that sits behind the desk visibly falters as she looks up and sees him and then seems to manage to compose herself as she watches Alex approach. I can’t help the snarl that crosses my mouth when I eventually catch her gaze. Back off, bitch. Her face pales a bit and I know I’ve hit my mark successfully, but ever the professional, she slaps her smile back on and turns back to Alex.

  “Good afternoon, Mr. White, Miss Scott. Welcome to Battersby Hall. We hope you’ll have a pleasant stay,” she says as she looks down at her screen and fumbles with the keyboard. Alex chuckles to himself and looks across at me.

  “You really don’t have to, Elizabeth,” he says quietly as he continues his chuckle and rubs his thumb on the back of my hand. The irony is not lost on me and I can’t stop the smile that creeps across my face.

  “I absolutely do, Mr. White,” I reply as he leans across and kisses me. I’m so glad he did that.

  “Why don’t you go on up? I’ve got a phone call to make and I’ll get all this sorted out,” he says as he slides the door card across to Mr. Red Livery and nods his head toward the lift. The man nods in return and carries our bags while extending his hand forward. I smile back at Alex as his gaze lingers on my retreating backside and watch his shaking head as he chuckles again. He’s obviously amused himself with his thoughts and I blush at them, knowing exactly where his head’s at.

  A few minutes later, I’m stood in the most exquisite room I have ever seen. Little man has gone and I’m alone, hesitantly waiting by the doorway because I can’t even think about touching something. I’ll break it if I do. My clumsiness knows no bounds around places like this and I know instinctively that the best thing to do is stand still and wait. Bloody ridiculous, Beth. Move your feet, you idiot.

  As I walk around and gently touch everything that glimmers and shimmers in the opulent cream environment, I wander across to the window and sigh at the view that stretches for miles. It really couldn’t be lovelier and I hug myself at the warm feeling that swirls around inside me. Could I ask for more? He loves me, I love him and he’s whisked me off to an exclusive hotel in the middle of the Lakes for a night of remembering what we’re all about. The image of the suspension ropes flashes across my mind and I look towards the ceiling. No hooks up there. Well that will have to wait then.

  The handle on the door clicks and I smile again. Just knowing that he’s behind me seems to bring a comfort back that I hadn’t realised I’d lost as I feel my body relax.

  His arms curl around my waist as he leans his head on my shoulder and looks out at the view with me. I can’t stop my fingers from reaching up to the back of his neck and fiddling with his hair as his lips meet the side of my neck tenderly.

  “You’re stunning,” he says quietly as he nibbles his way up to my ear and slowly turns me round to face him. I sigh with adoration and wrap my arms around him.

  “Nice room,” I say as I lay my head on his chest and watch the light glinting off one of the four chandeliers. The intricate patterns dancing on the wall behind it remind me of hundreds of diamonds sparkling and I look down at my bracelet, his bracelet. It reminds me of the sign in Pascal’s office.

  If you don’t want to share it, cuff it, on the left with diamonds.

  Oh, so he’s cuffed me. No wonder Pascal was so interested in my bracelet. I hadn’t thought about it that much at the time but now I know, I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s not real though, is it? I mean, not in the real world. Actually, I feel strangely honoured by the accolade. It’s a bit like an engagement ring but not. No wonder he thinks of me as his, and to be honest, given his fingers and hands and what they’re capable of, I doubt I’ll ever be leaving him anyway.

  “Alex, where do I go when... You know, when we… I don’t know what happens to me when you do that to me?” I ask quietly. I don’t even know where that came from but I want it answered so it’s as good a time as any. He stands me up and looks at me.

  “You want this conversation now?” he asks as his eyebrows shoot up.

  “Well yes, I need to understand. If, you know, you said you’d take me further,” I reply and move away from him and towards the sofa. He watches me move like a hawk and then sits down opposite me with his hand resting on his chin. His fingers meander across his lips as if he’s trying to find the right words to describe what I feel in those moments.

  “I don’t do it to you. You do it to yourself. It’s called subspace, Elizabeth. Some call it drifting,” he says as he tilts his head and frowns. “And believe me, you look fucking irresistible in it.”

  Oh, right, well it has got a name then.

  Chapter 8

  Alexander

  H e sat and looked at her with a new hope swelling through his heart. She’d said she was ready and now she was asking questions of him regarding the whole situation. He was so taken aback by the question and the circumstances she was asking it in that he couldn’t quite believe what she’d said as he stared at her. Did she really just ask that? He’d been pretty certain
he was about get twenty questions about how he was feeling about meeting the apparent family Conner had found for him, but it seemed the tables were turning in his favour for the time being, so he watched her as the information sunk in and wondered where she’d go off to next.

  He inwardly smiled to himself. He still couldn’t gauge her reactions or read what she was thinking at all. In the bedroom, she was so easy to read as she gave him every sign he could imagine, but in the normal world, where they were a couple, she was still a complete enigma to him. He propped his head up with his chin again and waited for her brow to unfurrow. They had a couple of hours to kill before they had to meet Mrs Peters and this was the best way he could think of to pass the time. If she wanted to know then he’d tell her and then show her, happily.

  “Right, well, helpful as that is, I still don’t know what it means,” she said as her big brown eyes looked over at him with a confused expression. They softly flickered as he opened his mouth to speak so he closed them again and licked his lips. She blushed quietly and batted those lashes like a soft, cuddly bunny rabbit, dropping her gaze slightly as she shivered. He smiled and started again.

  “When you’re put in a position that your body and mind find hard to process, either through pain or the threat of aggression, two chemicals enter your system. Adrenalin will speed up your heart rate and deliver various feelings - anger, slight dizziness or tunnel visions are all common side effects. Your body will use them to help you run and flee the danger. Endorphins act differently. They will flood your body and relax your muscles, mostly to increase your threshold for pain. But they also calm you down so you can think clearly, which will in turn will also help you to run and flee the danger,” he said as he watched her pull her knees up and unzip her boots. She threw them over the side of the sofa casually and he couldn’t stop the chuckle that rose up through him. She was so perfect.

  “Well aren’t you the fount of all knowledge? And I suppose that danger is supposed to be you and your hands?” she said sarcastically as she thought up her next question and gazed at him with an adorable pout. “Is that why you tie me up? So I can’t flee the danger?”