by J. C. Allen
It was only when I checked back in the basement that I found her. I definitely knew she hadn’t been in there before; we had checked everywhere. Was she avoiding me?
“Hey, I texted you.”
I bent to kiss her. She kissed me back… but not the way she usually did. I sat next to her and wrapped my arm around her, but there was a distinctly cold feeling from it. What was going on?
“I don’t have service down here I guess.”
At least her voice was warm, even if a bit dejected somehow.
“You okay? Is it your pinhead parents again?”
It got a slight smile from her, but not a huge one.
“No, not this time.”
“So what was it?’
There was a long, tense silence as she stared straight ahead, as if she couldn’t bring herself to face me. I kept saying her name, but it was like I wasn’t even there. She was just so removed and so… so not here. It felt like a futile effort to try and get her to speak. Until…
“I’m going to take a shower.”
What the fuck?
“Okay…”
No, don’t let her go. See what’s wrong.
“Grace, wait.”
I jogged up the steps to meet he, but she had a blank expression as she faced me.
“Nothing, Matthew. I’m fine.”
Don’t lie to me. Come on, Grace.
“I’m not stupid, Grace. I mean, I know we haven’t been able to hang out as much, but—”
She let me come closer and I embraced her, but she still wasn’t warm.
“What’s going on?”
I softened my eyes and smiled at her. She looked up at me and relaxed her shoulders a bit. Her lips trembled and I have never seen her like this. So… scared.
“Matthew,” she said, and her next words changed my life. “I’m pregnant.”
“Excuse me?”
I stepped back from her in shock. I hadn’t meant to sound so… bold or rude when she said that. I was just so floored and so stunned… I didn’t know what to think. Everything that I thought I knew was flipped upside down.
Pregnant…
Actually pregnant.
She crossed her arms and tears fell from her eyes. I just… I had no idea what to think or do.
“We used condoms, how could you be pregnant?”
Not every time, though. We thought we were timing it right. But…
“I don’t know, Matthew. But I am. I took the test this morning and then I went to the ER just to be sure. I’m three weeks pregnant.”
How… oh God… I’m not ready for this… neither of us are ready for this. Jesus, Jesus, what the fuck, fucking hell, God…
“Grace…what the hell?”
I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. Her breath hitched and she started to cry loudly. I knew she thought I was mad at her, and maybe I was a little bit, but mostly, I was just mad at the situation. A kid? Now? What the…
Right after everything with Simon, too…
“It’s not like I meant to Matthew.”
“I didn’t… fuck…”
“Why are you acting like this?”
“How the fuck am I supposed to act, Grace?” I shouted.
I wished I hadn’t. She cried even more and ran off to her room. My entire world seemed to be collapsing, and one of the few rocks that I had suddenly wanted to bail. And the worst part was, I knew I was responsible for pushing her away from me like that.
“Grace, wait, I didn’t mean to yell!”
I followed after her, but she shut the door behind her and locked it. I knocked and knocked, but to no avail—she didn’t open it.
I walked to the side a bit, slumping down on the ground. How… what the fuck had come of this? Why?!?
And then the door did open.
But it was to the worst possible sight—her dressed and towing some luggage.
“Hold on, you don’t have to leave.”
“Yes, I do.”
She was frighteningly adamant about leaving. I stopped her, but I had a terrible feeling nothing I could do was going to prevent her from leaving.
“We can… I didn’t mean to be rude it’s just a surprise. We barely know each other, and the last thing I wanted is to have knocked you up. I just… I want… I’m sorry, I’m not finding the words, but—”
Her eyes widened in disgust at me.
“Great, I’m sorry that you hate me so much you can’t bear the thought of having gotten me pregnant.”
She moved around me, but I stopped her again. I was desperate to keep her; I would do whatever it took to keep her here.
“No that’s not what I meant. I just…you seem like you have already made up your mind.”
“It’s my body and my baby, Matthew.”
But it’s mine, too…
“You’re keeping it?” I said in shock.
I didn’t mean it either way, really, but unfortunately, my statement did more harm than good.
“See? I was right. Which is why I need to leave. I can’t stay here another minute—”
“Grace—”
“No, you don’t want this. You don’t want me. Tell me I’m wrong.”
She cried, her chest heaving with every breath. And I just froze. I could think of a million things that I should say, but none of them came to my throat. I just…
What could I say that was right? I loved her. I wanted her. The kid was a shock, but it was something we could adjust to. We could! We could!
But…
None of that came out. Just gasps, grasps of frustration, and silence.
“Goodbye, Matthew.”
I knew I had said all the wrong things.
But it was too late to take them back. Grace had left so fast, my head was still spinning. I could barely make sense of what had really actually happened.
How could she be pregnant? I mean, I knew how but… I wrapped my shit up every time. I made sure that I did, and now I don’t understand how this could have happened. Except that one time…
All it takes is one time…
Everything was so perfect. We had a routine going, we were having fun… and now, she was pregnant and decided she was keeping it without even talking to me. I didn’t even know if that was right, but I didn’t even have any rights here or the chance to deliberate on it. I had never called her my girlfriend, and we had barely shared ourselves with each other. This fucking sucks. Just one mistake…
I never imagined becoming a dad this way, having to split custody and all that shit. I thought about doing the right thing and marrying her, but I didn’t want that to be the reason. I wanted it to be because I couldn’t live without her and because the same was true for her. Maybe it was true for me, but after seeing her reaction…
When I registered her really being gone, I got dressed and went outside to kick my bike into gear. The only place I could think to go was Jaxson’s. He would know what to do. I hoped he did, at least.
I got to his place and used my key to get in the back door. It wasn’t unusual, given that we all had keys to each other’s place for security reasons, but I knew it was going to be a bit intrusive at this hour.
I walked into the kitchen, a wide expanse of russet counters and wooden cabinets. The flooring was hardwood, while the living room off to the side was carpeted. His furniture was clearly chosen by Isabelle.
I walked through the house and got to the master on the main level.
And then I heard the kind of moaning that told me I should have approached with a little more caution.
“Oh, Jaxson!”
I clearly should have knocked.
I clear my throat and stayed where I was before getting any closer. I was close enough to be heard, anyways.
“Hey Jax, I need to talk to you!”
There was still more moaning behind the door, but it gradually started to die down. It was fine that they were winding down, anyways; I needed to get my thoughts out before I lost control again.
Jaxon’s footsteps were heavy before he swung the door open. He was only in his boxers and looked pissed as hell—not that I could blame him.
“Somebody better be dying.”
“No but someone is pregnant.”
He rolled his neck and nodded, then shut the door behind him while indicating to give him and Isabelle a couple of moments. I waited a few minutes until they both came out fully dressed. Isabelle, by now, seemed to be pretty used to this lifestyle of rather public sex lives.
“Hi Matt,” Isabelle said.
“Sorry for interrupting,” I said, my voice weak.
She smiled and disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. Jaxson nodded me toward his living room and we sat down, two brothers in private sharing a rough moment.
“So, Grace is pregnant?” he said, folding his arms. “At least I hope it’s Grace and not one of those club lurkers.”
I sat forward on the couch and made a table of my knees, kneading out my fingers. I had just lived through it all, and yet somehow, hearing it put so… coldly, it just felt… it still didn’t feel right.
“Yeah, she is. She just told me and then she left.”
I regret so badly how I handled that.
“Is that how it actually happened?”
I hated that he chuckled. He knew I was full of shit and wasn’t going to let me get away with it. I shook my head.
“Fuck. No. She told me and then there was some yelling and… I don’t know.”
“Who did the yelling?”
I looked over at him, giving me his disappointed big brother look. He really wasn’t going to let me off the hook—which probably meant I didn’t deserve to get left off it.
“I was confused. Pissed, I guess.” I admitted.
“About what? I mean, there are only a number of ways to knock someone up.”
“Yeah but she… I didn’t know what to tell her…”
It was a weak statement, I knew. But at least Jaxson would be able to keep an even-keeled head while I spoke, as opposed to someone like Grace or, God forbid, Rosella.
“What did you say? I mean, it had to have been bad enough for her to up and leave.”
I nodded in agreement. That was a statement of fact, not an opinion of Jaxson’s.
“I don’t think it’s what I said… I guess it was how I said it? Now that I think of it, I sounded like I was blaming her. I guess I halfway meant to, I mean how could she not have known all this time? I just… fuck, I don’t know.”
“How could it have been her fault? You held all the cards here—”
“What?”
But Jaxson was having no mercy for me tonight—which, I knew, I’d come to appreciate later.
“Don’t what me, you did. She was the virgin; how would she know what its like when a condom breaks or what her cycle would be like or however the fuck it happeend? She has never had to worry about possibly being pregnant. And she probably only found out by accident, and she told you. It’s not like she kept it from you. Fuck, man. I would have left too.”
I had time to think over his words, because Jaxson let them linger. He was pretty brutal in that manner, and in the moment, I wasn’t sure I liked him being so harsh.
“What are you going to do? I mean, why did she really leave the house?” he finally said after what felt like an eternity of waiting, long enough that we heard Isabelle going back upstairs.
I stared at him and hoped he had the answer. It was why I came here.
But… he was going to make me find it on my own, I knew that.
“I… she told me that she already decided to keep it without asking me.”
“Not unlikely. You never said she was your girlfriend, right? It’s like you’re a sperm donor right now.”
He laughed at his own joke. I wasn’t doing any laughing, that was for damn sure.
“Well, I thought she would have told me before deciding.”
“She didn’t ask you for anything. Didn’t hold it over your head. It’s her decision.”
I nodded. He was right on that one. He was right an awful lot. I guess that’s why he was president.
“And she asked me if I was going to stick around and I couldn’t answer her. So she left.”
“Ah, you hesitated,” he said, snapping his fingers.
“Well, I didn’t want to lie and have it come back to me!”
Fuck me for being a good guy. I could have lied and we would be back at home and I would be pretending for God knows how long.
“Okay, fair enough. You should just tell her that. Give her space and what not. Where is she?”
I didn’t know for sure, but I had a pretty good idea.
“Probably at Rosella’s.”
And then Jaxson said the first thing all night I just couldn’t bring myself to agree with.
“Check on her.”
I exhaled with frustration. I knew she wouldn’t answer me.
“Just text her, at least.”
I sighed. I didn’t think there was any cost, but I sure didn’t think she was going to respond.
“Where did you go?” I wrote.
It stunned me when she wrote back. Not that it was a good response.
“Leave me alone.”
That was… brutal. But I had to at least know a few things.
“Are you safe?”
“Yes,” she wrote back immediately.
I breathed a sigh of relief, but I still needed to know for sure. I didn’t want her saying that to get me off her back, only to actually be homeless while pregnant. I called Simon, who thankfully answered on the second ring.
“She’s here.”
The phone call didn’t go much beyond that. I was just grateful to have the worst case scenario averted tonight. Even if it was a couch, Grace had a place to sleep.
Now, though, that I had time to think about how I had fucked up and not on if Grace was safe… fuck! I really screwed up.
“You are gonna talk to her right?” Jaxson said. “Like, in person?”
There was little doubt about that.
“Yeah,” I said. “I just don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna tell Mom.”
16
Grace
I drove through dried tears and fresh ones.
Every stop light and sign, I allowed my tears to overtake me, only to have to refocus and make it to Rosella’s without crashing.
She met me on the porch as I walked up, still a blubbering mess.
“I’m such an idiot.”
I hugged her tightly. It was nice to be in the arms of someone who actually cared.
“No, you’re not. Just hormonal. Come on, I made cookies earlier, you’re lucky.”
She smiled, and I felt at home again already. I did, though, feel weird seeing Simon; it doesn’t help that he looks like his brother. He was sitting on the couch and half greeted us. It was difficult to say if he knew or not, but it seemed obvious to me that he wouldn’t be talking to me much either way.
It was for the best.
We get to the kitchen, and I sat at the breakfast nook, just trying to wrap my head around everything.
“Does Simon know?” I asked.
“I didn’t tell him, but his phone has been going off. They have a group chat so it’s only a matter of time.”
I buried my head in my hands and groaned. She rubbed my back, which only made me feel slightly better.
“This is so embarrassing.”
“It’s not. They won’t think of it that way.”
“But they don’t know me. Not really. I must seem like some bimbo who lived with Matthew and got knocked up.”
This is so unlike me. And yet, it is me.
My parents were right. If I hadn’t left them, I would still be doing the right thing and living an easy life—one where I didn’t make stupid mistakes like this.
“You don’t, I promise. They are very loyal to each other, but they’re shockingly honest too.”
Honest enough to tell Matthew I’m crazy and to never
see me again, perhaps. Fuck…
“What happened with Matthew? I mean, how did it go that bad that you had to leave?”
I ate a cookie before I give her the run down. I have many more cookies, my crutch in this particular moment.
“He basically said he didn’t want me. And the way he yelled at me… I have never seen him like that and it was towards me. As if this is all my fault. He was mad that I decided to keep it without talking to him, but that isn’t fair, is it?”
I sniffled. I didn’t think the tears were going to stop anytime soon, unfortunately.
“No, it’s not.”
“He wanted it to be. I could tell.”
I still couldn’t stop crying. These damn hormones are ridiculous.
“Don’t cry, Grace. It isn’t your fault. You were the inexperienced one in all this. It could happen to anyone.”
Well, if I’m so inexperienced, maybe you can help me.
“Do you think I should have talked to him first?” I asked her.
She shook her head at me, giving me a sad look.
“Not really. You guys aren’t even in a real relationship.”
I nodded, thanking her for being honest. Even if it is the most painful thing I could hear right now.
“I just felt it. As soon as I knew. I could feel it in my soul that this was meant to be, even if it turned out bad.”
I bit my lip and chewed the skin. I wasn’t sure I believed in my own words, but they were comforting enough.
“Yeah, I know. Matthew will come around, he’s a good guy.”
“I know he’s a good guy. That’s why it sucked so much to see him like that. Was that his true side?”
I didn’t know. Maybe I would know in the morning when I was slightly less mad and slightly less crazy, but right now, I just wanted to believe the absolute worst about him.
“He was shocked. Didn’t know what to do, probably. I am only saying this so you don’t stay too mad at him, I mean, if you guys have a real conversation you might feel differently.”
Maybe. OK, probably.
Definitely.
“Do you want a boy or girl?”
I think she was asking for the sake of some levity. I did laugh a little bit, but it was still too tinged with the sadness of the night.