Truly, Madly, Deeply

by Marian Tee

  Clearing her throat, she tried again, saying, "We've been tasked by the professor to propose a novel approach in resolving the growing suicide rate among Catholics."

  "The last time we spoke," the priest murmured, "I mentioned a few concerns you had trouble addressing."

  "Yes, Father. And one of the adjustments I've made was to redefine the limitations of my thesis."

  "With regards to what?"

  "My thesis will not cover the rare and special instances in which an individual may be called upon God to end his life and serve His purpose, as was such in the case of several biblical figures---"

  A rude, scoffing sound interrupted her, causing her to stop speaking.

  The moderator cleared her throat. "I, err, believe Professor de Graaf has something to say?"

  Diana's astonishment turned into consternation at the older student's words. That was the professor? Her head snapped to his direction, in time to see his golden eyes mock her as he drawled, "No surprise there, that after all the time you've been given to improve your thesis, and all you were able to do was add a fucking limitation---"

  Nervous laughs erupted from the crowd even as the Carmelite nun seated next to Matthijs let out an affronted gasp. "Language, Professor!"

  "Apologies, Sister Dorothy." But his mocking gaze remained on the trembling, red-faced figure of his target. She was hurt and confused, but she was also visibly angry, and it was exactly what he wanted.

  "I simply had to express my disappointment," he murmured laconically. "I was hoping Ms. Leventis would have significantly improved herself, but perhaps I was expecting too much from someone like her."

  "Professor de Graaf..." Mr. Bakker looked distinctly uncomfortable. "It's best not to make things personal..."

  "If I had wanted this to be personal," Matthijs drawled, "then I should have said from the start that trash is what one's likely to expect---"

  Diana jerked.

  "Coming from a student whose admission essay singled out a teen TV show as her reason for wishing to study in Helder Meer." The professor's gaze swung back to her. "13 Reasons Why, wasn't it, Ms. Leventis?"

  Diana could feel everyone staring at her, judging her, laughing at her, and all she could do was gaze back at the professor. Why was he doing this? Why was he being cruel? Why?

  "No rebuttal?"

  In the corner of her eye, she saw Pepper taking a photo of her with a smirk, and when her dazed gaze swept across the crowd, she saw that most of them were the same, uploading photos and live-tweeting what they could of Diana's gradual and inevitable breakdown.

  Because it would happen.

  His vicious, inexplicable cruelty had done a great job in demolishing her self-control, and even with her still doing her best to fight off her tears, Diana knew that it was only a matter of time before everything in her gave out.

  "We're waiting, Ms. Leventis," the professor taunted.

  Her lips moved, but the words just wouldn't come out. She could only stare at him, wishing she had the courage to ask, Why? Dear God, why?

  Why send all her those sweet quotes, making her think he still and truly loved her, and then do this?

  Was it because her lawyer's letter had stung his pride?

  Was it because he despised her for breaking her word?

  She just wanted to know why.

  Diana bit her lip hard the moment it started to tremble, but if she had thought this would inspire his mercy, it did the opposite, and she actually saw his upper lip curl in contempt.

  "So much for your so-called purpose," the professor said coldly. "And to think you made so many of your peers believe that this whole thing was more than an academic requirement---"

  "It is!" Hurting as she was, she couldn't, she just couldn't let him say that about her.

  "And yet here you are, and all you can talk about is a new limitation for your thesis," the professor derided.

  The university therapist shifted in her seat when she noticed the tears running down Diana's face. "Matthijs, I think that's enough---"

  But it was Diana herself who interrupted her, saying in a fierce, tight voice, "I meant every word I said."

  "You still believe the Church has the power to cure depression to prevent suicide?"

  "Yes!"

  "How then?" he challenged.

  "I'm s-still trying to figure out---"

  "Oh, for fuck's sake." A majority of the panel protested more loudly this time, but the professor didn't even look at them. "You're trying as much as I'd expect from someone who think a TV show is a modern-day prophet---" He saw Diana take a furious step forward, and he rose to his feet with a sardonic laugh. "Itching to slap me, Ms. Leventis?" He stalked towards her until they were mere inches apart. "Go on. You have the privilege, being my ex-girlfriend---"

  "Damn you!"

  "And so you shall be as well," he snarled," for promising what you can't keep---"

  Tears of frustration burned in her eyes because he wasn't saying anything that wasn't true.

  "What do you want from me?" she cried out. "What, damn you?" And she could no longer stop herself, her fingers curling into a fist as she struck his chest. "I know what I'm doing isn't enough. I know. But I'm not God---"

  The professor's handsome face turned expressionless. "Are you not?"

  "No---" And that was when it started to dawn on her. "I'm not." And her voice faded as it finally hit her, what all the pain was for, and why the professor had kept pushing and pushing until she finally made it to this point.

  Until she finally understood.

  She was not God.

  And no one else could be.

  Diana spun back to face the panel and the rest of her audience. "I...I was wrong," she whispered, "and you were all...you were all right." She turned to the professor, and this time she was no longer blind, and her heart ached, seeing how much it had hurt him to hurt her. "Professor de Graaf...has made me realize that while I was on the right track, I had the wrong conclusion."

  "Can you be a little more specific?" It was Luisa, the social worker, but unlike before, her gaze was sympathetic and her tone careful.

  "I once thought that suicide could simply be prevented by making people responsible for other people. But you were all right when you told me it won't work. Just as a person is essentially incapable of finding what he is unable to see, depression...is the likely concomitant of any unsuccessful pursuit of happiness. Just as true freedom is gained by doing God's will, true happiness can only be founded in God's purpose."

  She knew it could only be her imagination, but with every word she spoke, it was almost as if she could feel more of the Holy Spirit filling her heart, dispersing her fears and doubts, until all that was left was the rightness of what she was doing.

  "Depression in its every form, including all of its symptoms and consequences - depression may be immediately reversed, miraculously if you will, if one is made to understand the true nature of happiness. That's how the Church can save the lives of its children, and that's how we can also help other people. Because it's as St. Augustine says. Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee."

  Silence.

  So much silence.

  While she hadn't been expecting a standing ovation like before, was it too much to expect for someone to just react in any---

  And then she noticed Father Edwards pointing at her and then making a circular motion with his finger, as if asking her to turn around.

  Okaaaaay.

  But she did as asked.

  And Diana had the shock of her life.

  "Professor?"

  A gorgeous face. Golden eyes. And a dazzling smile.

  That was all she managed to see before his mouth conquered hers, and he had her locked tightly in his arms, every inch of her body pressed against his.

  He kissed her long and hard, kissed and kissed and kissed, and oh it didn't even stop as everyone started to clap and whistle. Kissed and kissed until she cr
ied and heard what his lips were telling her without the words.

  My purpose is to show you the way so you can save other people.

  Your purpose is to save me.

  His head slowly lifted, and their gazes met.

  "I'm just so scared," she whispered brokenly. "I don't ever want to risk hurting you---"

  "You won't."

  "How can you be so sure?"

  "Jeremiah 29:11. Remember?"

  She sobbed and laughed. "Oh, Professor. Do you think anyone would believe me if I told them that you use bible quotes to get me into bed with you?"

  "You can try, but I think everyone's just going to think you're on something." The professor pulled a small black box out of his pocket as he spoke.

  "Is that so---oh."

  The professor took the ring from the box. "I'm not even going to ask."

  A smile wobbled over her lips. "For some reason...I never expected you to."

  And as she watched him slide the ring down her finger, she heard him say her name.

  "Diana?"

  "Mm?"

  "Keep your promise this time, will you?" He slowly brought her hand to his lips. "Never leave me again."

  Him

  The professor was pacing.

  But because it was a fairly small room, and the professor was long-legged, it only took him two seconds to span its length before he had to turn around and walk the other way. From the other side of the room, his best man watched in amused silence, having never seen the aloof and worldly professor display such tension.

  "Nervous?" Ryder asked finally.

  "Fuck yes."

  Ryder laughed, thinking that the days when Matthijs kept his emotions to himself were truly gone indeed. "Diana's really gotten you wrapped around her finger, hasn't she?"

  "I'll have my fingers wrapped around her neck," the professor muttered under his breath, "if she even thinks of standing me up today."

  "She won't." Matthijs' best man stood up and clapped a hand over his back. "So relax. You got this." He started for the door. "I'll leave you to pray."

  "Who says I'm going to pray?"

  "You have five minutes," Ryder said simply, "and then I'll come back and get you."

  The door closed behind the other man, and Matthijs was left alone in the tiny room behind the altar.

  Now what?

  Matthijs stared at the crucifix hanging on the wall.

  I've already thanked You.

  What else is there to stay?

  He waited and waited.

  But he heard nothing, no voice coming from the sky, no white dove flying down.

  Nothing.

  This was stupid, the professor thought.

  But just as he turned away, he felt it. A familiar sensation, an embrace that he had known and cherished, once upon a time.

  Matthijs.

  It was his blue-eyed beauty, the girl he once loved...and lost forever.

  His eyes squeezed shut.

  'I'm sorry.'

  There's nothing to be sorry for. You didn't kill me.

  'But if I hadn't hurt you...'

  You did hurt me. But that's all. You hurt me, and I forgive you. I've forgiven you a long time ago, and I've been trying to tell you so many times. You just couldn't hear me.

  And after that, he could've sworn he heard her sigh wistfully, could've sworn he felt her fingers touch a lock of his hair, the way she used to.

  Are you happy?

  He slowly nodded.

  I'm glad. That's all I've ever wanted.

  His throat tightened, and as he felt her fading away, he heard himself whisper in his mind.

  'Chandra.'

  What is it?

  'If I had known you wanted flowers that badly, I'd have bought you a fucking farm from the start.'

  Her laughter played in the air.

  Be happy, Matthijs.

  Epilogue

  God Only Knows by Kina Grannis & Imaginary Future

  "Papa?"

  Matthijs opened his eyes at the feel of his daughter's hands on his face.

  "You're crying."

  "Am I?" His voice was rough with emotion, the memories still too damn vivid.

  "Uh huh."

  He cleared his throat. "Where...where was I again?"

  "You were telling me about the day Grandma went to Heaven first."

  "Ah, yes. It was a very sad day. For all of us."

  "I remember," his little girl said in a small voice.

  So she did.

  And so did he.

  He remembered how, after making sure that the estate was in order, his father had approached him, saying gruffly, I think it's time for me to go, too.

  And Matthijs had snarled, What the fuck do you think you're saying?

  You know I love you with all of my heart, but you also know...you don't need me. And you know...I need her.

  Looking back at his daughter, he said slowly, "Because Grandpa was the loneliest of us all on that day, God sent the angels for him. When Grandpa fell asleep, the angels took him and flew him to Heaven. And when he woke up...she was there, the girl he loved."

  And so it was.

  She was as beautiful as the first day he saw her, the same dark-haired, doe-eyed saint that he had fallen in love with.

  But as much as he loved her---

  "You goddamn broke your promise to me again," Matthijs gritted out.

  She threw herself at him with a laugh, and he caught her, just like before.

  Pulling away, she said in protest, "I didn't leave you. I just came here first, that's all---" A rueful look flickered in her eyes. "But you didn't have to hurry. I would have waited---"

  He stopped her with a kiss, saying gruffly, "If I had known you were leaving, I'd have hitched a ride with you."

  Tears burned in her eyes.

  "You're my life, Diana." His voice was faintly exasperated. "We've been married for over eight decades, and you still don't believe me?"

  A giggle escaped her. "Eight decades." She shook her head in wonder. "I can't believe we've been married that long..." She wriggled to make him put her down, but as soon as her feet touched the clouds under her, she snuggled close to her husband, loving the familiar hardness of his chest against her chest.

  "We had a good life, didn't we?"

  And because they were in Heaven, he no longer had to speak with his lips. Their minds and hearts could hear each other fine as well now, and a smile curved over her lips as she remembered what he remembered.

  Their honeymoon in Teleios...

  The day they adopted Matthijs II from a Greek orphanage...

  The countless romantic dates, the infinite number of times they argued and made up, and oh, all those crazy, wild instances he had persuaded Diana to forget about her inhibitions and have sex with him in the most forbidden places---

  Diana let out a yelp when he suddenly bent down to lick her ear. "Matthijs---"

  "Where's the best place to have sex here?"

  Oh God.

  Heaven really was so, so much better now that he was with her again.

  "I'll show you in a bit, but before that..." She smiled up at Matthijs. "I love you."

  "And I you, my darling."

  The End

  Dear Reader,

  I started writing this with absolutely no idea that things would end this way, and I would rediscover God along the way. Our world might not be perfect, but it's not reason enough for any of us to lose hope. If you think this book can help someone you know, please do share it with him or her.

  And while I usually take this opportunity to ask if you could write a review, this time...how about we all post something nice on social media, something that's just meant to make people smile and feel good? Being polite and kind may not be the cool or fun thing to do these days, but it's still what's good and right, and we need more of that these days. Let's let others know we have each other's back. Sometimes, that's really all it takes to make our world a better place.

  Until our
next journey,

  Marian

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