The Eye of Zoltar

by Jasper Fforde

  I returned to Sky Pirate Wolff and looked at her hand, the one that was being held aloft. Looking closer, I noticed that her soft lead fingers had been bent apart. When she had been turned to base metal, she had been holding something – and it wasn’t an apple.

  ‘This is where the Eye of Zoltar was,’ I said, pointing at her hand. ‘Sky Pirate Wolff was holding it. She was talking to someone who was seated right here.’

  I dropped into the seat opposite the lead statue, and immediately the pirate’s dead eyes stared into mine.

  ‘They were talking. The person sitting here uses the Eye to change Pirate Wolff to lead, then makes a run for it. The “people into lead” spell must be the Eye’s default spell, or a gatekeeper or something.’

  ‘It would explain the trail of partially leaded pirates all the way out,’ observed Gabby. ‘Whoever took the jewel used the lead transformation spell to cover their retreat.’

  He was right, and I swore softly to myself. The trail, sadly, had long ago turned cold. If this all happened six years ago, the Eye could be anywhere on the planet. I searched Sky Pirate Wolff’s room, then the main hall, but could find nothing that might have told us who took the Eye, let alone where it was now. Kevin Zipp had been right about the Eye’s whereabouts – it was just his timescale that had been at fault.

  We walked back the way we had come.

  ‘Do you know who took it?’ I asked.

  ‘Sadly, I do not,’ said Gabby, ‘but it would have to be a sorcerer of some sort.’

  ‘The Mighty Shandar is skilled enough to tap the Eye’s power,’ I murmured, ‘but sending me to find something he already has doesn’t make much sense.’

  ‘And there’s a good reason why Shandar wouldn’t want you poking around out here,’ said Gabby, ‘and it has nothing to do with the Eye of Zoltar.’

  I frowned and thought for a moment.

  ‘The Skybus facility below?’ I suggested.

  Gabby nodded.

  ‘What are they making?’ I asked. ‘And why do the empty lorries coming in weigh more than the ones coming out?’

  ‘Because … they’d have to be.’

  I stared at Gabby for a moment, trying to figure it out. We had by now arrived at the top of the bone spiral staircase. A few steps down and we’d be in the all-obscuring cloud again. I reached out to one of the Leviathan bones and scratched off a small amount, which, once released, drifted upwards.

  ‘Shandar’s harvesting Cloud Leviathans?’ I said, and Gabby smiled.

  ‘Ever wondered how those huge jetliners seem to hang in the air on those tiny wings?’ he asked. ‘How Skybus lead the world in efficient aircraft that can fly twice as far on half the fuel? Ever wondered why Shandar has made so much money through Skybus, and how Tharv can afford for all his citizens to have free universal healthcare?’

  ‘Tharv and Shandar are partners?’

  ‘Very much so. The whole jeopardy tourism thing might sound like a long and very complex joke, but without it, Tharv and Shandar would not be as stupendously rich as they are. All those tourists in the Cambrian Empire snatched from the jaws of certain death, hundreds of times a day, month in, month out.’

  And that was when it hit me. The answer had been staring me in the face the whole time. The Cloud Leviathans’ lighter-than-air capability was not due to magic, nor some natural process. Prince Nasil had even mentioned it before he left: the same thing that keeps a flying carpet in the air also keeps up a Leviathan.

  ‘Angel’s feathers,’ I said in a soft whisper. ‘We were nearly hoovered up by the Leviathan the night before last. They do that feeding run every morning, sucking up not just the birds and bugs, but also many of the Variant-G angels who are constantly employed in the Cambrian Empire. They are then digested to make the Leviathan lighter than air. jeopardy tourism is there for a purpose. High risk of death, high concentration of guardian angels.’

  I paused, and looked at Gabby, who nodded.

  ‘But,’ I added, ‘that’s not the end of it, is it?’

  ‘No indeed,’ said Gabby. ‘The higher-than-normal concentration of ingested angel’s feathers leads to an excess, which is then expelled as all animal waste is expelled. The drones working in the facility below gather up the Leviathans’ droppings with nothing more complicated than shovels, then extract the angel’s feathers using Shandar-supplied magic. They then ship it out in the Skybus lorries. The refined material is known in the aeronautical industry as Guanolite, and is stuffed inside aircraft wings to assist with lift. That’s what’s going out in the Skybus trucks.’

  ‘Which must explain,’ I said slowly, ‘why the trucks are lighter on the way out.’

  ‘Of course. Fill a two-ton truck with concentrated Guanolite and the upward force will ensure it weighs effectively no more than a golf buggy.’

  Gabby beckoned me to follow him as I fell silent for a moment, digesting this new information as we began the climb down the staircase. As I entered the cloud I felt the damp and clamminess touch my face and hands, and pretty soon we were standing on the Leviathan skull, the spot where I had first entered this strange place.

  ‘Who are you?’ I asked. ‘You know about this place, but you’re not dead – you come and go as you choose.’

  ‘You might say I have a version of “access all areas”,’ he said with a chuckle. ‘As I think I explained, I collect information on death likelihood for a major player in the risk management industry.’

  ‘I remember,’ I said, ‘and by identifying the potential risk factor of everything anyone does, you decide where best to deploy your assets to avert those risks.’

  ‘That’s pretty much it,’ said Gabby. ‘We save lives … when lives need to be saved.’

  ‘It’s not an insurance company, is it?’

  ‘Not really, no. It’s sort of … fate management. It’s of vital importance that you – or anyone, in fact – do not die until you have fulfilled your function in the G-SOT.’

  ‘G-SOT?’

  ‘The Grand Scheme of Things. Bigger than me, bigger than you, and all are to play a part. It might be something simple like opening a door, encouraging somebody to do something, or even, as in Curtis’ case, simply giving people a focus of someone to dislike. But sometimes it’s for good – like bringing a tyrant to their knees and leading an enslaved nation to freedom.’

  ‘Then my function in the Grand Scheme is still ahead of me?’ I asked.

  ‘It is. And Perkins, too.’

  ‘He’s going to burn himself out battling the drones on our return, isn’t he?’

  ‘To have a function is the right of all sentient beings,’ said Gabby, touching my shoulder, ‘to have a vitally important function is an honour not often bestowed.’

  He smiled, then added:

  ‘For operational purposes we like to maintain our Grade II legendary status: “No proof of existence”. I can rely on your discretion, yes?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Good. Time to go, but I calculate the jump from here back to the top of the stone chair has a 79.23 per cent Fatality Index – here.’

  Gabby tossed a rope over the side and I heard the end fall on to the damp stone below. I thanked Gabby for his time and help, then slid down the rope. After a few more seconds my feet had touched the damp stone of the semicircle around Idris’ chair, and I found a very astonished-looking Perkins.

  ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘that was kind of strange, and I’m a sorcerer, so should be used to it. You jump into the cloud, vanish for half an hour and then return down a rope. What did you find?’

  ‘Answers,’ I said, ‘but not the ones we’re looking for. Let’s find the others.’

  He started to move, but I caught his arm, moved him around and kissed him. It was my first, and I think his too. I’d been meaning to do it for a while, but only with Gabby’s words did the whole thing seem that much more urgent. He returned the passion, and it felt good – far better than I’d thought – and made me feel tingly in all sorts of places.
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  ‘What was that for?’ he whispered as I rested my head on his shoulder and held him tight.

  ‘Because.’

  ‘Because what?’

  ‘Just because.’

  We both knew he’d be burnt out soon, and we attempted to get as much of a lifetime’s worth of hugs as possible in the time available.

  ‘Okay, then,’ I said, and we avoided each other’s gaze as we separated, ‘let’s find the others.’

  We walked down from the summit and out of the cloud, where we found Addie, the Princess and Wilson, who had made some tea.

  We rested for an hour while I told everyone what I had found, but without mentioning Gabby. I told them about Sky Pirate Wolff’s hideout and her fate, that someone else had beaten us to the Eye of Zoltar years ago, and it could now be pretty much anywhere. I told them how the facility far below us was simply positioned where the sole remaining Cloud Leviathan roosted at night, and they scraped up the droppings each morning to process them into Guanolite.

  ‘I can see why they have drones do the job,’ said Wilson, ‘it must be rotten work.’

  ‘I’d say it was more to do with secrecy,’ I replied, ‘which also might explain the Cambrian Empire’s no-fly zone. The last Leviathan is worth so much money it would be foolish to have it damaged in a collision with anything – or even discovered at all.’

  ‘So all our careers in jeopardy tourism were simply there to facilitate the manufacture of angel-feather-fortified Leviathan droppings?’ asked Addie. ‘Hell’s teeth, you just couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?’

  ‘Magic’s like that,’ I said.

  There was a pause.

  ‘So what now?’ asked Perkins.

  ‘We came out here to find the Eye, and we failed. So we’re going home.’

  ‘Past the Hollow Men?’ asked Wilson.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, swallowing down my emotion and avoiding Perkins’ gaze. ‘We’ll think of something, I’m sure.’

  So after packing up and trying the conch for the umpteenth time without success, we turned to leave. It was with a heavy heart that I descended the steep steps, but I was consoled by the fact that I had it on good authority that Perkins’ life would not be in vain – and I now had a pretty good idea what Gabby kept in his rucksack.

  The plan

  The first thing we noticed when we returned to the base of the mountain was Curtis. He had somehow decided not to leg it back to Llangurig straight away, and was instead standing at the edge of the empty scrub that separated us from the safety of the forest, a mile away. He had a deep frown etched upon his features.

  ‘Did you see them?’ I asked.

  Curtis said nothing, and continued to stare off towards the woods, and safety.

  ‘They’re called Hollow Men or drones,’ I explained, ‘Cavi homini. Nothing more than the personified evil will of the Mighty Shandar: empty vessels bidden to kill us, without thought, malice or guilt. It’s why no one ever comes back from Cadair Idris.’

  Curtis still said nothing, so I continued:

  ‘I’m telling you this because we need to be a team to survive. Are you any good with a sword?’

  ‘You’re wasting your time.’

  That sounded like something Curtis would say, but he hadn’t spoken. It was Addie.

  ‘Asking Curtis to help?’ I said.

  ‘Asking Curtis for anything.’

  I looked quizzically at her, and she nodded towards Curtis, who, now I looked closer, wasn’t just standing there looking thoughtfully out at the scenery, but simply standing there. I could even see the fine stitching down his neck.

  ‘Hotax?’ I said, waving a hand in front of Curtis’ blank and unmoving features. He had been paralysed, captured, boned, eaten and then stuffed. It wasn’t a pleasant way to go, but would at least have been painless, and ornamentally at least he was now quite impressive.

  ‘The Hollow Men don’t see the Hotax as a threat,’ said Addie, ‘the same as Tralfamosaur and Snork Badger and all the rest. Leave him. He had it coming.’

  ‘No one deserves this,’ I said.

  ‘Perhaps not,’ said Addie, ‘but he was only ever along to make up the fifty per cent casualty rate I’d promised – and you agreed to him coming along.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I conceded, then added: ‘How are we doing on that?’

  Addie counted the casualty rate on her fingers.

  ‘Out of the eight in the team we’ve now lost three: Ignatius, Ralph and Curtis – which is pretty much what I’d planned. If I’m right we only need lose one more.’

  ‘It’s a nice mathematical theory,’ I said, ‘but I’m not sure the fifty per cent thing is working any more. We’re fighting for our lives.’

  ‘You’re right,’ she said sadly, ‘but it helps to have something hopeful to cling on to, no matter how slender. Some people have a lucky gonk or a deity – I have statistics.’

  She gave me a smile.

  ‘Listen,’ she said, offering her hand for me to shake, ‘it’s been a lot of fun. Most tourists just moan about the food and the weather and the transport and the hotels and stuff and then think of devious ways they can fleece me for a refund. You were different, and I’d like you to know that whatever happens, I’d tour-guide for you anywhere, any time – and with a generous discount.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, knowing that such a compliment was not often given, and a discount even less so, ‘and on my part, you’ve been exemplary. If we survive this final push, I’ll be giving you the best feedback I can.’

  We shook hands again and parted. I walked across to where the Princess was helping Wilson and Perkins secure Rubber Colin in the back of the half-track. Because of the lateness of the hour and with rain due tomorrow we had decided to cross as soon as possible. Magic doesn’t work so well in the rain, and although this meant the drones’ powers would be diminished, it followed that Perkins’ power would too. As soon as Rubber Colin was lashed down I asked Perkins about his plan.

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘That’s not helpful,’ I said, ‘we’re kind of counting on you.’

  ‘No, I mean, I’m not sure yet. I won’t be able to come up with a countermeasure until I get an idea of the spell the Hollow Men are running. I can’t defeat a hundred drones, obviously, but there may be some way I can disable them long enough for you to get away.’

  I looked around. With me driving the half-track, the Princess no good with a sword and Perkins concentrating on a realistic countermeasure, that left only Addie and Wilson wielding swords to keep the Hollow Men at bay. And while they were easily dispatched by a sharp sword – they were hollow after all, and needed their clothes to move and fight – the sheer weight of numbers might prove too much. Not knowing how many there were didn’t help, either.

  ‘Is it worth derubberising Colin?’ I asked. ‘I know his fiery breath is not fully developed, but at close quarters it might do some damage.’

  ‘I thought of that too,’ said Perkins, ‘but I read the washing label on those Hollow Men clothes we found earlier, and they were made of fire-retardant synthetic material. I’m going to keep the power I have for the countermeasure.’

  ‘Whatever that might be.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Perkins, ‘whatever that might be.’

  ‘These swords were a bit rusty,’ said Addie, showing me one of the weapons we had retreived from the river earlier, ‘but I’ve managed to get an edge back on them.’

  ‘What do I do?’ asked the Princess.

  ‘You’ll keep your head down.’

  She looked at me petulantly.

  ‘Like hell I will. If we’re going to die, I’m going to go down fighting, even if I’m totally rubbish with a weapon.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ I said, and handed her a cutlass. She swished it in the air a couple of times.

  ‘Pointy end towards the bad guy, right?’

  ‘Right.’

  I gathered everyone around.

  ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘this is th
e plan. The Hollow Men are tireless, violent fighters, but we have one advantage: they can’t run faster than a half-track. We’re going to charge across as quick as we can. Addie, Princess and Wilson, you’re on defence. Perkins here will let fly with whatever he can as soon as he figures out a weakness.’

  ‘How long will that be?’ asked Addie.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Perkins, ‘but the closer they get the better I can sense the weave of their spell.’

  ‘Terrific,’ replied Wilson, ‘so let them get close?’

  ‘If you can.’

  ‘Any more questions?’ I asked. There weren’t. ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘good luck, everyone.’

  We shook hands in silence, and as I looked from face to face I could see that none of us rated our chances that high. Even so, there was no hesitation from any of them. Truly, I was in the very finest of company.

  Addie positioned herself on the bonnet of the half-track and Wilson in the rear left with the Princess in the rear right. Rubber Colin had been laid flat and covered with blankets, the note I’d taped to his hand amended to what we were attempting right now. If the worst came to the worst he would revert naturally and find himself in a deserted half-track in the middle of nowhere – and it was important he told Moobin and the others what had happened to us.

  Once we were all positioned, I started the engine. Perkins sat down next to me and concentrated hard. I depressed the clutch, selected first gear in low range and gunned the engine. I figured there was about a mile before we were safe. At thirty miles an hour it would take us two minutes – always supposing we could get to that speed. I put out my hand and Perkins squeezed it.

  ‘Crazy or nothing,’ he said, and smiled.

  ‘Crazy or nothing,’ I replied.

  I placed both hands on the wheel, gunned the throttle again and released the clutch. The tracks bit into the soft earth and we were away. Almost instantly a stack of clothes popped up into the air ahead of us and took the shape of a human. In a few seconds six more had joined it. I yelled ‘Hold on!’ and floored the accelerator.