A wave of relief washed over her. “Thank you, Molly. Thank you so much. That means the world to me. Did she…did she ask for me?”
“No—well, not exactly. It was rather strange, but maybe you can make better sense of it than I can. Like I said, I was sitting by her bed, holding her hand because we knew she wouldn’t make it through the night. Her eyes closed, and I thought she had taken her last breath, but just as I started to pull my hand away, she squeezed it and her eyes opened—but she was looking at something far away—and she said ‘Oh Nessa dear, you’ve found him’. She smiled, the happiest smile you’ve ever seen, and then she was gone, just like that. It was so peaceful.”
Nessa’s heart skipped a beat. Did Gram mean she had found Bridei, or found Nathan? “How many days ago did she die?”
“Let’s see, it was Wednesday, so…six days ago now.”
Six days ago…Bridei. Oh Gram…I did find him, but now I’ve lost him again.
A woman returned with a bag containing Gram’s things, interrupting her thoughts, and she had to sign a release form and some other paperwork, including where to pick up the ashes. Then she turned back to Molly. “Thank you again.”
“You’re welcome, darling. You just take care of yourself, okay?”
“I will.”
Six days ago. If time ran parallel, six days ago she would have been with Bridei. Had Gram looked down on them and been happy for her? Tears streamed down her face as she drove home, making it hard to see the road. She could have told herself that she was crying for Gram, but she knew she was mourning someone else as well. A brave and handsome King that had made her feel more alive than she ever had before. One who had touched both her body and her soul, changing each forever in such a short time. Just how was she supposed to go on after that? How was she supposed to go back to her old, ordinary life when she knew exactly what it felt like to be held in his arms? And they had only just begun to know one another…
The next weeks passed so slowly Nessa that wondered if the earth was actually still turning, or just wobbling through space in an uneasy orbit like she was. After spreading Gram’s ashes in all of her favorite places, she had made a valiant effort to go back to the way things were. She had even spent two entire days weeding the now-out-of-control garden she had so lovingly planted. It had become somewhat of a wild jungle while she was away, with more leaves and vines than vegetables. And the sheep she had left grazing in the meadow were gone, either stolen or wandered away.
Nothing felt right, and to top it off, she and Nathan were quickly growing apart. Worse, he’d been spending time with an old college friend over the past few days, and she’d seen the budding looks that passed between them. She was already losing him, and it was all her fault. She couldn’t give him what he needed, because she was mourning someone else. Because she was in love with someone else.
She went to the old trunk, still filled to the brim with the history of a people long gone. Only now it was partly her history too. She found the book she was looking for—it was right on top where she’d left it. It felt like a lifetime ago now. She opened it to the sketch of Bridei mac Bili, running her finger carefully over the lines. No, whoever had drawn it hadn’t gotten it right at all. His cheekbones were higher than that, and his eyes a bit larger. In real life, they would have been snapping with anger or melting with passion. Or, once in a while, glittering with humor. Not too often though, because he always seemed to be carrying the world on his broad shoulders, or at least all the burdens of his people.
The tattoos were the same, sweeping across each cheek, and the artist had almost gotten his hair right, long and silky black and always blowing in the constant highland breeze. God, she missed him. Why had she ever left? She had realized the moment she had jumped into the well with Nathan that she didn’t really want to go, but only now could she admit to herself that she’d made a mistake. Maybe the biggest one of her life. Somehow, in a very short time, she had come to love Bridei with all of her heart, and it was quite likely that she always would.
How long could she go on like this? How long until Nathan got fed up and left her? She hadn’t let him near her since they’d returned three weeks ago, and though he’d so far accepted her pleas of shock and readjustment, she knew that no one possessed infinite patience.
Nate was a good man, and they had always been good together. It should have been good enough. But she didn’t want good enough. She needed someone that she could get angry at and fight against and still fall into his arms and be safe. She wanted to drown in someone. She wanted Bridei.
And now there was something else to consider. Something she had only found out this morning. Something that would force her to finally tell Nathan the truth. She had asked him to come over after work, and she’d spent all afternoon making him his favorite dinner.
They ate in relative silence, the tension so thick Nessa felt like she could have lifted up her knife and cut through it at any time, like a corporal thing. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore, and put down her fork.
“Nate…there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
He put down his fork too, giving her a small, ironic smile. “Yeah Ness, I figured as much.”
“It’s about the time when I was…in the past. I need to tell you what happened there. I’m so sorry Nathan, I should have told you sooner…I should have told you right away, I was just…I don’t know, there’s no excuse really.”
Nathan sat back and folded his arms across his chest, looking at her expectantly. “Well, there’s no time like the present then, is there?” When she still didn’t say anything, he drew in a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. “Tell me. Please.”
Nessa swallowed and nodded, looking down at her fingers, which she was twisting on the table. She forced herself to stop. “While I was gone…well, I didn’t think I would ever make it back—not after Angus died, and I…I tried my best to move on from everything that happened. It was either start a new life there, or die. And I chose to start a new life.” She paused and took a deep breath. Nothing was going to make this any easier. She was going to hurt this gentle, patient man sitting in front of her. She shook her head, the tears already stinging the backs of her eyes.
"I found out yesterday that I’m pregnant, Nate. I’m pregnant.”
He leaned forward slowly, his face reflecting his shock. Then confusion. Then realization. He sat back in his chair again with a look of resignation. “You and I haven’t been together. Not in a long time.”
The stubborn tears gathered in her eyes, one spilling over and rolling slowly down her cheek. Why did this have to be so hard? “No. We haven’t”, she said quietly.
“I see.” He clenched his jaw, ran his hands through his hair, looking down at the floor for several long moments. “Who?”
He looked up at her, and she forced herself to meet his eyes. To see the pain there. Pain that she wanted to take away, but couldn’t. “Bridei.”
“Of course”, Nathan muttered ironically. “The King. Who else but the damn King?”
“I’m so, so sorry Nate. I never meant for things to turn out this way. I never even meant to go back in time…I just… Somehow I keep thinking that this was how things were meant to happen, you know? Do you believe in fate? I never really did. But now—now I feel like I belong somewhere else. If I’m being honest, this place doesn’t even feel like home to me anymore. I’m so sorry Nathan, you have to know I never wanted to hurt you.”
If she’d expected anger or disbelief from this man, it wasn’t what she got. In fact, he looked more at ease now than he had before she’d told him. With a small shock, Nessa realized that Nathan had been waiting for her to release him. He wouldn’t have left her while her world was turned upside down, but he must have come to the same realization over the past couple of weeks. He knew as much as she did that the two of them just weren’t meant to be.
“Nessa, if you want to go…go. I’ll survive. But if you do, know that I’m going to destroy that
contraption Angus made. I’m not leaving that doorway open for some idiot to stumble through and accidently change the course of history. You won’t be able to come back again.”
She felt a moment of panic. You won’t be able to come back again. But then, what did she have here that was worth staying for, that she couldn’t have with Bridei in Fortriu? Nothing. And the baby. It hadn’t even sunk in yet that she was pregnant, but she knew that it would soon. A baby should have a father, and a father should know his child. In truth, when the little stick had turned pink, she had felt nothing but love.
“Okay. That’s okay.” She smiled weakly and held his hand in hers across the table. He smiled back.
“Are you sure Ness?”
She nodded. “Yes. And Nate…I hope you and Holly are happy together.”
The surprise on his face was quickly replaced by a sheepish grin. “Thank you. I think we will be. Maybe I’ve been in denial too. This is good, Nessa. This is good for both of us. But please be careful, and be happy, because I love you, I always will.”
“I love you too, Nathan.” After all, there were many, many kinds of love in the human heart.
“Namet! What news?”
The old warrior would have rolled his eyes if the King hadn’t been looking right at him. Bridei was going to drive him—and everyone else—mad by the time this battle was over.
After Nessa had disappeared, he had plunged himself into the thick of battle plans and intense training, barking orders and growling at everyone around him like the wounded wolf that he was. Namet didn’t know why the lass had gone, just that her going had broken Bridei’s heart; though the proud and fierce King would never admit it, not even to himself.
Namet fell in behind Bridei as he walked briskly toward the broch, dutifully recounting the latest maneuverings. “The tribes of Orkney will be ready in ten days, and the Caereni and Epidii have already moved south, ready to meet us a day out from Dunnichen. The Caledonii will arrive three days from now, and will train with us until we leave.”
Bridei nodded, but didn’t stop walking. “They will bring horses?”
“Aye. Fifty. They will camp in the south meadow so the animals can graze. Our women are prepared to offer extra food and drink to the men.”
They reached the door to the broch, and at last the king slowed and turned to his old friend and trusted second-in-command. “We’re close Namet. So close I can taste it. After so many years, let nothing stand in our way.” He noticed the concerned look on Namet’s face. “What?”
“Bridei…are you all right?”
Bridei frowned. “Why wouldn’t I be all right? I am King. My people are preparing to follow me into a battle that will secure our freedom and our lands. I have everything I’ve always wanted.”
“But the lass…”
“Was just another woman. Now leave me, I have work to do.” And he did have work. There was so much to prepare for. But first, before he went to battle, before he lived or died fighting for his father’s lands, there was one thing he had to know.
Meara was seated at her small table. Herbs burned in smoky bundles around her, and the air was heavy with their scent. She might have been praying, or even divining the outcome of the battle; he didn’t know. That wasn’t what he’d come for.
He remembered Nessa telling him that women in the future could choose whether to have a baby, and he could see no reason why she would keep his baby when she had gone back to the man she loved. And if his child would never be, how could he properly mourn? He had loved it from the moment he had known, and then that joy was almost instantly taken from him. His heart still ached with a hollow emptiness he doubted he would ever be able to fill, not when he had once imagined holding his child in his arms.
Meara looked up, but without her customary smile. She was deep into her work. The outcome of such an important battle would affect every member of the tribe.
“I don’t have an answer yet, if that’s what you want”, she told him. “I can see that Ecgfrith will meet you with his army, but that is all. The rest is hidden for now, even from me.”
Bridei shook his head. “No, that’s not why I’m here.”
“Why then?”
He dropped his eyes to the floor and clenched his fists at his sides. “Just tell me this…was it a son or a daughter?”
“A son. It was a son, my King.”
Nessa came up in the well gasping for air, more prepared this time than the last, but still nearly inhaling a lungful of dark water. She stood up, taking a moment to get her bearings and slow the spinning in her head, then pulled herself up onto the stone floor, the sound of water dripping from her clothes onto the hard surface echoing in the small chamber. With her heart pounding in fretful anticipation, she took the damp, mossy steps two at a time, sighing with relief as she emerged into sunlight, the familiar hulking shape of the broch in the distance. At least she had come to the right place. But was it the right time? She took off at a jog towards the broch, nearly sobbing when she saw Petra coming out of the kitchen building. The woman’s face paled at the sight of her, then lit up with joy.
“Nessa? Nessa! You’ve come back!” She dropped the bundle of sticks she was carrying and ran to give her a hug, despite her dripping clothes.
“Aye. I’m back for good this time.” Nessa held her tight for a long moment before she gave in to the question burning in her mind. “Where is he? Where’s Bridei?”
Petra looked uncertain. “He said you were gone. That you weren’t coming back.”
“Well he was wrong”, she said breathlessly. “I’m back. I’m back now…where is he Petra? Please…” Why was her friend hesitating to answer? Oh god, had he moved on already? Was he with someone else?
“They’ve all gone to Dunnichen. They left yesterday.”
Her heart stuttered and then lodged somewhere in her throat. He’s gone to battle. She was too late. No…she might be too late. But maybe not. Maybe he would be fine. Maybe everything would be fine.
“How do I get there?”
Petra had been kind enough to distract everyone while Nessa ‘borrowed’ one of the few remaining horses in the stable. As she set out on the narrow, hilly road south, she soon realized why this particular horse had been left behind. Though the mare was steady and gentle, she was also frustratingly slow and a bit lazy. “Come on girl, a little faster. Please!”
She was terrified, and it was difficult to keep her hands steady on the reins. She had no idea what she would find when she arrived at the scene of the battle. True, history had taught her that Bridei survived; was victorious, even. But what if she had changed things somehow, just by being here, or travelling back and forth? What if he was wounded, or had even died? She shivered, the back of her throat tight and stinging with reined in emotion. What if leaving with Nathan that day turned out to be the worst mistake of her life? What if Bridei was killed and she was left here to raise a child alone? Would the people of Tallorc accept her? What if she was forced to leave and fend for herself? And…what if the love of her life never forgave her for leaving?
No, she had to stop thinking this way. She would drive herself crazy before she ever got to Dunnichen.
Bridei would be hurt and angry. He would rale against her and maybe even take her prisoner again or punish her in other ways and she couldn’t blame him for that. But she trusted fate. She would wait for him to make his way back to her. She pressed a hand to her womb, where a tiny new life trusted her to be strong and protect it at all costs. She would make sure her baby had a father that loved it just as much as she already did.
“It will all work out old girl”, she told the horse, if only to hear the sound of her own voice. “You’ll see.”
Several hours later, she stopped for the night, knowing she had nearly another full day of travel ahead of her. It was too dangerous to travel alone at night, especially with the uneven, unfamiliar terrain. She didn’t have a fire, only the blanket and a little bit of food Petra had shoved at her as she left.
She nibbled at a piece of bread, but her stomach was so full of nerves that she wasn’t really hungry. Had the battle happened already? Tomorrow she would know.
Bridei waited on the hilltop for the first sign of Ecgfrith’s army. His horse sensed the tension in the air, tossing his head and side-stepping restlessly.
“Shhh, patience now boy. It won’t be long.” He glanced behind, where he could see some of his warriors lying in wait at his command, silent and deadly. Several thousand more were just in front of him, many on horseback, ready to engage the enemy. His scouts had reported in not long ago; they were close. He gazed up at the position of the sun. It was dropping lower in the sky, and if Ecgfrith didn’t hurry up, they would either be fighting in the dark, or waiting until the next morning, which would foil his plan and put his men at even more risk.
His horse sensed his mood and danced on his hooves, anxious to run. “Soon…very soon, Lotex.” This was the moment he had been waiting for, for so long…years of planning and maneuvering, all boiled down to this one day, this one hour. And even now his thoughts returned to her. What he wouldn’t give to know she was waiting for him, safe in his home, secure in the knowledge that her man would protect her and her unborn child. He would never have the opportunity to be that man for her. He would never meet his son…
He stubbornly turned his pain into the kind of fury that would serve him well in the coming hours. She had left him. She did not deserve his smallest thought, he told himself.
At last he saw the cloud of dust on the horizon that heralded the approach of a large number of men and horses. He held his breath, waiting for exactly the right moment. When he could clearly see the shape of the first horse and rider, he raised his sword and shouted. His men knew what to do. They knew the plan inside and out—had been training for this very day for more than a year. The warriors on the front line charged forward to meet the Saxons, their battle cries rending the air. From his vantage on the hill top, Bridei watched the space between the two armies grow smaller and smaller, until at last they collided with an unearthly riot of clashing metal and screaming horses. Music to his ears.
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