Friar Tuck

by Robert Alexander Wason

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  A CASE OF NERVES

  "I was all alone," sez Tank. "I had been up in the Spider Watercountry lookin' for a favorite ridin' pony; but my hoss broke a leg,and I packed my saddle and stuff on my head until my nerves began toswell. Then I threw the stuff away and hunted for a human. I roamedfor weeks without comin' across a white man, and my nerves got worsean' worse. You know how it is with nerves; how they set up that dullache along the back o' your spinal cord until you get desperate, andlong to bite and scratch and tear your feller-bein's to pieces--well,I had 'em worse this time 'n ever I had 'em before; and they loosenedup my brain-cells until my self-control oozed out and I longed tofling myself over a cliff. Have you got a match?"

  Horace passed over his fresh cigar, and Tank lit his pipe and tossedthis cigar into the fire also. Horace looked at it sadly for a moment;but he was game, and lit another.

  "Finally," sez Tank, "I came upon a lonely cabin at the bottom of agorge; and in it was a little man who was minin' for gold. He wasabout your build, except that toilin' with pick and shovel haddistributed his meat around to a better advantage, and he wore hiswhiskers complete, without any patch scraped off the chin. It was justnight when I reached the cabin, and he invited me in to eat; which Iam free to say I did until I was stuffed up to my swaller, and then weprepared to sleep.

  "Now, a feller would nachely think I'd 'a' gone right to sleep; butinstead o' this, my nerves began to twist an' squirm an' gnaw at meuntil I was almost beside myself; and after fightin' it for severalhours, I woke up the miner, and asked him as polite as a lady, if hewouldn't rub my brow for a few minutes. Seems like when I'm nervous,the' won't nothin' soothe me so quick as to have my brow rubbed; butthis little coyote refused pointblank to do it.

  "I finally got down on my knees and begged him to; but he stillrefused. He said he had fed me six meals at once and given me shelter,and this was as far as he'd go if my confounded nerves exploded andblew the place up. I was meek about it, I tried my best to ward offtrouble; but just then a nerve up under my ear gave a wrench whichtwisted me all out o' shape, and I lost patience. I seized that littlecuss by the beard and I yanked him out on the floor, and I said tohim--"

  Tank had once been unusual gifted in framin' up bright-coloredprofanity, but he had been shuttin' down on it since the night he hadhelped to fake the hold-up on the Friar, and I thought he had lost theknack. This night, though, he seemed to find a spiritual uplift intellin' to Horace exactly what he had said to the lonely miner. Beforehe finished this part, he had used up all of Horace's good cigars, aslighters, and the Eastener's face had turned a palish blue. I'd bewillin' to bet that Tank made the swearin' record that night; thoughof course, the' ain't any way to prove it.

  When Tank couldn't think of any new combinations, he covered his faceand broke into tears. Horace sat and looked at him with his eyespoppin' out. "Don't you think you could go to sleep?" he asked after abit.

  "Sleep!" yelled Tank. "Sleep? I doubt if I ever do sleep again. I feelworse right now 'n I did that night in the gorge."

  "What did you finally do that time?" asked Horace.

  "I hate to think of it," sez Tank; and he put his elbows on his knees,his chin in his hands, and stared into the fire as though seein'ghosts.

  Horace watched him a while, and then he lit a cigar out of the secondlayer. He took one puff and then removed the cigar and stared at it.He tried another puff, and then threw it into the fire, where itspluttered up in a blue flame. He tried six more, and then saidsomethin' I couldn't quite catch and threw the whole box into thefire; while Tank continued to stare into it as though he had forgotthe' was any one else on earth.

  "Let's go to bed," sez Horace.

  "Have you got a match?" sez Tank, lookin' around with a start. Horacetook a burnin' stick from the fire, and Tank lit his pipe with it; andfrom that on Horace kept a lighted stick handy.

  "How in thunder did you get to sleep that night in the gorge?"demanded Horace, who was gettin' impatient.

  "Well," sez Tank, "after I had told this unobligin' little cussexactly what I thought of him, he pulled out a gun and tried to shootme--actually tried to shoot me in his own cabin, where I was hisguest. My feelin's were hurt worse 'n they'd ever been hurt before;but still I tried to calm myself; and if it hadn't been for my nerves,I'd have gone out into that gorge in the dead o' night, and never seteyes on his evil face again; but I couldn't get control of myself, soI took his gun away from him and knocked him down with it. When heregained consciousness, he was in a repentant mood; and he consentedto rub my head.

  "He rubbed my head a while an' I sank into a dreamless, health-givenrepose; but as soon as I was asleep, the traitorious sneak crept outan' started to run. I fled after him as swift as I could, an' caughthim about two A. M. I had to twist his arms to make him come back withme; but when I had once got him back to the shack, I tied him good an'tight, an' made him rub my brow again. When he'd rub slow an' gentle,I'd sleep peaceful an' quiet; but the minute he'd quit, why, I'd wakeup again; so he rubbed an' rubbed an' rubbed"--Tank smoothed his lefthand gentle with his right, an' spoke slow an' whispery--"an' I sleptan' slept an' slept an'--"

  The darn cuss said it so soothin' an' natural, that hanged if I didn'tfall asleep myself, though the last I remember, I was bitin' my lipsso I could stay awake an' see the fun. I must have been asleep full anhour before I was woke up by Tank's voice, raised in anger. I stuck mynose out o' the tarp, an' there was Tank kneelin' straddle o' theother bed which he had rolled up in the shape of a man. Horace wasstandin' close by with his hands on his hips an' lookin' altogetherdroopy.

  "I raised his head from the floor, like this," said Tank, illustratin'with the bed, "an' then I beat it down on the planks o' the floor; an'then I raised it up again, an' then I beat it down, an' then I raisedit up--"

  I had to stuff a corner o' the soogan into my mouth to keep fromlaughin' out loud at the expression in Horace's eyes; but Tank keptraisin' that poor head an' beatin' it down again for so long that Ifell asleep again without intendin' to.

  The next time I woke up Horace was speakin'. He was so earnest aboutit that at first I thought he had been weepin'; but he was simplytryin' to make his voice winnin' an' persuadish.

  "I'll rub it," he sez. "I'll rub it soft an' gentle, just like you sayyou want it rubbed. Come on, let me rub it." I looked at Tank with hisfree eye rollin' about as though it was follerin' the antics of adelirious mosquito; and I'd just about as soon have rubbed the brow ofa porcupine; but Horace was all perked up with sympathy.

  "No," sez Tank, sadly. "You're a guest, an' it wouldn't be polite. Ifyou was a stranger, now, why, I'd choke your heart out but what I madeyou rub it; but not a guest. No, I couldn't do that. I'd wake Happy upan' make him rub it; but he allus sleeps with a gun under his head,an' he's apt to shoot before he's full awake."

  "Well, just let me try it a while," sez Horace.

  "I'm feared to," sez Tank, beginnin' to weaken. "If you was to start,an' I was to fall asleep, an' you was to quit, I might dream 'at youwas that unobligin' man which betrayed me back in the lonely shack;an' I might strangle you or somethin' before I came to my senses.Nope, the best plan is just to sit an' chat here till daylight. Mynerves is allus better after sun-up."

  "I don't think I can stay awake much longer," sez Horace, almostwhimperin'.

  "What?" sez Tank in surprise. "You claim to have nerves, an' yet youcan talk o' fallin' asleep at this time o' night. Great Scott, man,you ain't got no nerves! You are as flebmatic as a horn toad. Oh, Iwish I could just fall sleepy for one minute."

  "Let me try rubbin' your brow," sez Horace, whose eyes were blinkin'for sleep, but whose face was all screwed up into lines of worry atwhat was goin' to happen to him after he had finally give in an'drifted off.

  "Well," sez Tank, "I'll let you try; but if you're already sleepy, Idoubt if any good comes of it. You sit there at the head o' the bed,an' I'll lay my head in your lap, an' you rub my brow soft an' gentle.If I do get to sleepi
n' natural, why o' course the' won't be no harmdone in you takin' a few winks; but for the love o' peace, don't sleepsound."

  I blame near choked while they were gettin' settled, 'cause Horace wasone o' those finicky cusses, an' Tank's head looked like a moth-eatenbuffalo robe. Finally, however, Tank stretched out with the covers uparound his neck an' his head pillowed in Horace's lap, and then Horacebegan to rub his brow as soft an' gentle as he knew how.

  "You don't do it clingy enough," sez Tank. "You want to just rest yourfingers lightly, but still have 'em draw along so 'at they'll give alittle tingle. There, that's better. Now then, I'll lay as quiet as Ican, an' try to go to sleep." Tank was doin' such an earnest job, hehad plumb fooled himself into believin' it was mostly true.

  He gave a start after layin' quiet for five or ten minutes, an' thisput Horace on edge again; but Tank didn't wake up. Horace had a saddleblanket around his shoulders; and the last I saw just before I fellasleep, myself, was Horace gently rubbin' Tank's brow, an' lookin'down careful for a change of expression. They made a curious sightwith the firelight back of 'em.

  It was grayin' up for the dawn next time I woke up; and I'd had mysleep out, but when I stuck my nose out from under the tarp, I foundit purty tol'able frosty. I knew it was my duty to roust out an' keepHorace from gettin' more sleep 'n my treatment for his nerves calledfor; but I was too comfortable, to pay much heed to the still, smallvoice of duty. At the same time I was curious to see what my booncomrades was up to, so I stretched my neck an' took a look at 'em.

  Horace had keeled over so that his elbow rested on Tank's chest an'his head rested on his hand; but the other hand was still on Tank'sbrow, an' I reckon Horace must have rubbed until he didn't carewhether it was sleep or death he drew, just so he got rid o' keepin'awake. Tank had reached up one hand so it circled Horace's waist; andthey made the most lovable group a body ever see.

  While I was still watchin' 'em, Horace's arm gave out, an' he settleddown on top o' Tank's nose. In about two minutes Tank came to with ajump, an' heaved Horace to the foot of the bed. Tank was reallystartled, an' he came to his feet glarin'. "You blame little squab,you!" he yelled. "What are you tryin' to do--smother me?"

  Horace staggered to his feet, but he couldn't get his eyes open more'n a narrow slit. "I didn't do it on purpose, Mr. Williams," heblubbled like a drunk man. "I rubbed until I thought my hand wouldfall off at the wrist; but I reckon I must 'a' dropped asleep. Liedown again, an' I'll rub you some more."

  "Too late," sez Tank, "too late, too late. I never can sleep whiledaylight's burnin'; but still, my nerves don't get so dangerous untilafter nightfall; so we'll just turn to an' get breakfast."

  Well, I got up after yawnin' a few times; and after askin' if they hadhad a restful night, I started to get breakfast. Horace staggeredabout, gettin' wood an' water an' doin' what he was able to, whileTank wrangled in the hosses.

  After breakfast, which I must say for Horace, he et in able shape, westarted to saddle up, puttin' the spare saddle on the hoss I had rodethe day before. "Which one o' you is goin' back after the otherbuckboard?" asked Horace.

  "Why, we ain't goin' back at all," sez I. "It's full fifty miles, an'we can't keep switchin' buckboards every day on a trip like this.We'll just ride the ponies the rest o' the way."

  "Ride?" sez Horace. "Ride!"