Friar Tuck

by Robert Alexander Wason

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  THEMIS IN THE ROCKIES

  "How much money you got, Spider?" I sez.

  "I reckon I got sixty dollars," sez Spider.

  "I don't mean just what you got with ya, I mean how much cash do youpossess in the world."

  "I suppose I could raise a hundred an' fifteen," sez Spider, afterthinkin' a while. "What do you want to know for?"

  "We got to give Eugene a start," sez I.

  Spider looked at me until he saw I was in earnest, an' then he talkedout loud. "What's the matter with you?" he yells. "We haven't adoptedEugene, have we? Why-for do we have to give him a start? Didn't helose at his own game. Great Snakes! You make me tired!"

  "That was a low-down trick we played," sez I.

  "It wasn't no lower down 'n him ringin' in a woodchuck on the old man;and all we did it for was to square things up."

  "Yes," sez I; "but it took us some several years to square it up, andI don't intend to have Eugene's moanful voice surgin' through my earsuntil I'm able to think up a come-back for him. I'm goin' to give hima start, and if you don't feel like riskin' your money, I'll do italone."

  "Do you mean 'at you're just goin' to pay over the price of his tools,an' let it go at that?" sez Spider.

  "That wouldn't be any fun," sez I. "I'm goin' to get the tools; but Iintend to get 'em for as little expense as possible, and if I can havea little fun out of it, I don't intend to pass it up."

  Spider studied it over a while. "Well, I'll risk fifty," he sez aftera bit; so we went back to Eugene's.

  "Would you be willin' to do a stunt to get back your tools?" sez I.

  He raised a pair o' weepy eyes to me an' sez: "Aw, the' ain't no show.I've a good mind to kill myself."

  "Please don't do that," sez Spider, who never could stand a bad loser."When you lose your money, you allus stand a chance to win more money;but when you lose your life, why, the' ain't nothin' left except to goup an' find out what reward it earned for you."

  "Aw hell," muttered Eugene.

  "Ye-es," agreed Spider, talkin' through his nose, like a missionarypreacher, "I reckon that is about what you'd draw, if you was to cashin now; but if you stick around an' do your duty, you run the risk o'havin' better luck later on."

  After Spider had insulted Eugene until he began to sass back a little,I broke in and sez that if Eugene will agree to do what I tell him,I'll agree to get him back his outfit; so then he wants to know what Ihave in mind.

  "Are you willin' to disguise yourself as a genuwine mountain trapper?"sez I.

  When I sez this, Spider exploded a laugh which would 'a' hurt thefeelin's of a sheep, and Eugene tied into us as wordy as a foxterrier; but I soothed him down an' told him I was in earnest. "I'mwillin' to do most anything to get my tools back," sez Eugene; "but Idon't see how I can make myself look like a genuwine trapper."

  "Have you got any false wigs and beards?" sez I.

  "No, I haven't," sez he; "but I saved up the stuff I reaped off o' ol'man Dort, and I reckon I could make some."

  "The very thing!" sez I. "You fix up a rig that'll make you look to bea hundred years old; and we'll hunt up clothes for ya. All you'll haveto do will be to guide a green Eastener out to shoot a bear, and we'llhave the bear and everything ready for ya."

  "No, ya don't," sez Eugene. "I don't fool around no bears."

  "I thought you was tired o' life," sez Spider.

  "Well, I'm not so tired of it that I'm willin' to have it squeezed outo' me by a bear," sez Eugene.

  "This won't be a real bear," sez I; "and anyhow, they'll be a ravinebetween you and it. You claimed once to be a show actor, and allyou'll have to do will be to pertend 'at you're actin'."

  "I once was a genuwine amateur actor," sez Eugene, "and if you'll makeit clear to me that there ain't no danger, I'll take the job."

  Then I explained just what he had to do; and after this me an' Spider,who was now keen for the outcome, went around to dicker with ol' manDort. He was bumpin' around among the clouds, so we didn't have anytrouble in buyin' back Eugene's stuff on time. When I asked him whathe'd charge for Columbus, the woodchuck, he gave a snort, and saidhe'd throw him in for good measure; so I told him to just keep him outo' sight for a few days, and we started back to Eugene's.

  "What do you want with that dog-gone woodchuck?" asked Spider.

  "I want him to take the part of a grizzly bear," sez I.

  Spider stopped an' looked at me. "This is goin' too far," sez he."It's bad enough to try to fool some one into believin' 'at Eugene's agenuwine trapper; but you couldn't make a rag doll believe 'atColumbus was a grizzly bear."

  "You go borrow that squaw dress from Ike Spargle, an' then we'll seehow much like a trapper Eugene'll look," sez I.

  I went on an' found 'at Eugene had done a master job o' wig makin',even fixin' false eyebrows, an' when he put on ol' man Dort'shair-crop he locked older 'n the human race. As soon as Spider came inwith the squaw dress, we put it on Eugene; and while he didn't looklike anything I'd ever seen before, he looked more like the first man'at ever started trappin' than like anything else, an' Spider Kelleynearly had a convulsion.

  We bunked with Eugene that night; but he kept us awake bemoanin' hiscruel fate until Spider threatened to drown him head first in a bucketo' water and after that we had a little go at slumberin'. I routed 'emout about two an' drilled 'em up to the high ground above Spear Crick,where we waited until sun-up. Eugene was wearin' his trapper riggin',and in the starlight, he sure was a ghastly sight.

  Just across from us on the other side o' the crick was Sholte's Knoll,and when the sun rose, I lined us up to be just in a direct line withit across the knoll. Both Eugene, and Spider bothered me withquestions and discouragin' kicks; but I felt purty sure my schemewould work, and only told 'em what was really for their good.

  The crick ran south in a gorge, and just below us it ran into RockRiver, which came from the east and made a sharp turn to the southjust where Spear Crick ran into it. After the sun was up, we climbeddown a circlin' trail until we came to Rock River. Eugene refused totry to ford it; but Spider and I went across and up to Ivan's Knoll.Rock River was bigger than Spear Crick, and Ivan's Knoll was biggerthan Sholte's Knoll; but not one tenderfoot in a million could havetold 'em apart, and Spider got gleeful at the plan--except that hekept at me to know who I was tryin' to land. Back of Ivan's Knoll wasa round hole about ten feet across, called the Bottomless Pit, becausethe' was no bottom to it. After examinin' this place, we went on andcrossed Rock River again until we came out at Sholte's Knoll acrossfrom where the shootin' was to be done.

  "What you are to do, Spider," sez I, "is to be at this place beforedawn with Columbus tied by a stout cord. Tie him to the rock at thesouth end of the knoll by a weak cord, then pass your stout cord upover that jag o' rock at the top, and just as soon as the sun hits theknoll, pull hard enough to break the weak cord, lead him gently up theslope until he has been shot at several times, then--"

  "Is Eugene, that genuwine, ancient trapper goin' to do the shootin'?"interrupted Spider.

  "He is not," sez I. "If Columbus gets shot, all you'll have to do willbe to wind around to Boggs and meet me there. If he don't get shot,you can either turn him adrift, kill him yourself, or pack him back tool' man Dort's, accordin' to the dictates o' your own conscience. I'llbring the party 'at does the shootin' up to Ivan's Knoll, an' make himthink the bear has fallen down the Bottomless Pit after he was shot."

  "Happy," sez Spider, "hanged if I believe it'll go through; and Iwon't be a sucker unless you tell me who is to do the shootin'."

  "Horace," sez I, "Horace Walpole Bradford."

  Spider's face changed expression a half dozen times in two moments;but he didn't have any more kicks; so we went back to Eugene, and tookhim up to a deserted cabin, where he was to stay until needed. I lefthim and Spider to fix up the cabin, while I went back to the Dot tofix up Horace. Horace had a lot o' money; but it did go again' me tomake him pay for Eugene's outfit by puttin' up a pract
ical joke onhim. Still, I felt called upon to square it up with Eugene, and thisseemed the fairest way.

  When I reached the Dot, Horace came forth to meet me; and he was soglad to see me 'at I purt' nigh gave up the scheme; but I had gone toofar to back out now, so I acted cool, and cut him short with myanswers.

  After supper I got Tank started on bear. He saw I had something up mysleeve, so he talked bear until Horace's mouth began to water. "I'dgive a hundred dollars, just to get a shot at a bear," sez Horace.

  "This ain't the time o' the year to hunt bear," sez I. "Food's socommon at this season that a bear spends most of his time loafin'; andit's hard to get sight o' one. Course, if you was to go to aprofessional hunter, he'd know where bears were spendin' theirvacation; but it might take a month for one of us to root one out."

  "Do you know of any professional hunters?" sez he.

  I didn't say nothin', and Tank told of some he knew several hundredmiles off. After Tank had talked himself out, I mentioned carelesslike that old Pierre La Blanc was livin' less 'n twenty miles away;but that I doubted if he'd take a bear-huntin' job. I went on to statethat he had money saved up, and it would take a sight o' coin to tempthim.

  "I'd give five hundred dollars for a shot at a real grizzly," sezHorace.

  "Did you ever use a rifle?" sez I.

  "Ask Tank," sez Horace.

  Tank told about Horace havin' borrowed ol' Cast Steel'sforty-five-seventy, and that he had learned to hit a mark with it inable shape. Before we turned in that night, I had let Horace tease meinto takin' him over to Pierre's next day.

  We reached the old cabin next afternoon, and found it lookin' purtycomfortable. Eugene had soiled his hands and what part of his faceshowed; and he certainly did look outlandish. He could act some, I'llsay that for him; and he pertended so natural that it took Tank a halfhour to tell who he was. He didn't talk much, but when he did he usedbroken French, and he made a contract with Horace to get the fivehundred as soon as he had showed him the bear, Tank to hold the check.

  Eugene couldn't get food through his whiskers; so he said most of histeeth were gone, and et his supper in private. After supper, I stoledown the gulch and found Spider waitin'. He promised to be on hand thenext mornin' and we turned in early.

  Next mornin' we started at three, and took up our place at the mark Ihad made across from Sholte's Knoll. Horace thought it perfectlywonderful that the old trapper would know exactly where a grizzly bearwould be at sun-up; and he chattered constant in a hushed voice. Wetold him it was a full quarter across to the knoll, and he had aregular ecstasy about how deceivin' the atmosphere was--which was ranklibel, the atmosphere bein' about the least deceivin' member o' thatparty.

  Presently, I caught the smell o' dawn, and I told Horace to keep hiseyes glued on Chimney Peak, a little over twenty miles to the west. Hedid so, and in about five minutes, a gob o' rich crimson splashed onit, rippled down the sides, and poured along the foothills at thebottom. Horace gave a gasp. You don't see such a dawn as that withyour eyes alone; you see it with somethin' inside your bosom; and whenI saw the gleam in Horace's eyes, it made me feel ashamed of what Iwas up to; but I couldn't stop just for this; so I nudged Eugene, andthat hoary old trapper growled out to Horace to watch the knoll, orhe'd miss his chance.

  Horace was surprised to see the east still in a black shadow. Hestarted to speak words about it, but just then the sun, lookin' likean acre of red fire, jumped up from behind Sholte's Knoll like asacred jack-rabbit.

  The knoll was consid'able higher than us, and just as the sun washalf-circle behind it, a gigantic form started to walk across it fromsouth to north. I knew, positive, that this was Columbus thewoodchuck; but it was just all I could do to believe it, myself, andHorace thought it was the biggest silver-tip in creation. I didn'tthink the woodchuck ran much risk of gettin' shot; but Horace didn'tlose his nerve a particle. He banged away, Columbus gave a lurch, tooka snap at his side, and rolled out o' sight behind the knoll, asnatural as a fried egg.

  Horace jumped up and down, hugged himself, slapped us on the back, andalmost knocked the aged trapper's fur off; but if he had, I doubt ifhe would have noticed it, he was so eager to get to his first bear.

  We wound down the path, and he complained about it bein' so muchfarther 'n he had expected; but I spoke a few words about theatmosphere, and he was soothed. When we struck Rock River, he wassurprised to see how much wider it was than it looked from where he'dshot; but he didn't falter none about goin' in; while I purt' nigh hadto twist off the seasoned trapper's arm before he'd get his feet wet.The water was purty high, and Tank and I had our hands full gettin''em across.

  We climbed the trail on the other side to Ivan's Knoll. This was abouta mile south o' Sholte's Knoll, and naturally I didn't expect to findany game on the other side of it; so you can judge my feelin's when wegot around to the other side, and saw that woodchuck's carcass, lyin'flat on its back with its front feet folded across a piece o' paper.

  Horace saw it, too; but he wasn't interested at first, and dove allabout, lookin' for his bear. He was plumb wild; but finally he pickedup the piece o' paper, and read what was wrote on it in scrawlyletters, which I knew to be the work o' Spider Kelley: "Before I wasshot I was a grizzly bar but it made me feel so small to get shot by atender-foot that I have shrank to what you see befor you."

  That confounded Kelley hadn't been able to resist workin' the jokeback on me; so he had toted Columbus down from Sholte's Knoll, andthen skipped. I knew I wouldn't see him for some time--but I also knewI wouldn't forget what was comin' to him when I did.

  Horace read the note through in silence, then he looked at the remainsof the woodchuck, then he read the note again, and his face got like asunset. He read the note once more, and then he leaped through the airfor that veteran trapper, and grabbed him by the beard. The beard andwig came off in his hands, and Eugene started to flee, with Horace aclose second, kickin' the seat o' that squaw dress at every jump.Horace was in able shape, and Eugene was flimsy; so when he trippedand rolled over, Horace got him by the ears, and proceeded to beat hishead on a stone, the way Tank had told about doin' to the unobligin'old miner.

  I pulled Horace off to save Eugene's life, and then Horace pulled outa gun and tried to take my life. It took us two solid hours to coolHorace down below the boilin' point; and then he started off alonewith his lips set and his eyebrows pulled down to the bridge of hisnose. I liked him better 'n ever. He was as game as they made 'em, andhad even forgot the check 'at ol' Tank Williams was still holdin'; butI was honestly worried about Eugene.

  Part of it may have been due to havin' his head beat mellow on astone; but still he allus did lack sand when he was losin', and now hesat tuggin' at his real hair an' swearin' he was ruined, and wouldtake his own life the first chance he had. It was partly my fault; soI made Tank help me tote back Eugene's needin's from the desertedcabin to his shop, Eugene goin' along in a stupor and repeatin' to usconstant that he intended to drink his own heart's blood.

  I sent Tank back to the Dot to see what he could do toward pacifyin'Horace, and then I returned the squaw dress to Ike Spargle. He brokeinto a side-split when I stepped into his place, and fairly deluged mewith liquor; but I wasn't in no mood for it. Ike told me 'at Spiderhad gone out to the Dot to notify that he had quit temporary; and thenhe was goin' out to hunt down Red Erickson for the bounty. Ike wasequally willin' to talk about bears or Red Erickson; but I wasn'tconversational, so I went back to Eugene's.

  He had his door locked, and at first refused me admittance; butfinally he let me in, and I told him I would let him have his outfiton time. He wouldn't scarcely listen to me; so the best I could do wasto get his promise that he wouldn't slay himself inside the house, asthe boys were superstitious again' it, and would burn it down. As itwas again' my credit at ol' man Dort's, I felt more agreeable towardpayin' for a standin' house, than for just the ashes of one.

  "When I'm gone, Happy," sez Eugene, "I want you to send my watch backto Sommersville, Connecticut.
That's all I ask of ya. You've been asnear a friend to me as any one in this ungodly community has, and Idon't bear ya no ill will. If I could just have paid off thatmortgage--"

  I shook hands with him and went outside, where I settled myselfcomfortable and made ready to keep watch on him until he started todrink. I felt sure that if he'd once get to elevatin' a bottle, itwould take his mind off suicide; but he paced up and down inside hisroom until I was purt' nigh out o' my own head.

  It must have been nine in the evenin' when he stole out his side doorwith a forty-five under his coat; and started up the ravine whichopens west o' town, and I follered like a coyote.

  He went up it about a mile, an' then he stopped an' I flattened outan' crept closer an' closer. I knew he would make a few remarks first,even though he was alone, an' I judged I could wriggle up close enoughto grab him in the act.

  He fished out his gun, an' I see that he didn't savvy the use of it,which put a little uncertainty into my end o' the game.

  "Farewell, cruel world," he muttered mournfully, usin' his gun togesture with. "Farewell, sweet dreams of childhood; farewell ambitionan' love an' dear tyranic duty; farewell moon an' stars an' gentlebreezes, farewell--"

  Eugene would probably have gone on sayin' farewell to each particularthing in the world until he talked himself to sleep, but just then apebble slipped from the side o' the ravine and rolled to his feet, andhe stopped with a jerk an' listened. Then he straightened himself an'sez in a determined tone: "Nobody can't prevent me. I shall end itnow."

  Before I could move, he placed the muzzle to his forehead an' fired,rollin' over on his back. I heard a sort of cough, like when a manhits his best with an ax, an' somethin' came plumpin' down the ravinelike an avalanche.

  I rushed up, lit a match, an' there on his back was Eugene, a smallred welt on his forehead, but looking calm and satisfied, while almoston top of him lay a man in a heap. I straightened him out, lit anothermatch, an' looked at the stranger. His hair was flamin' red an' youcould have tied his red mustaches around the back of his neck. He wasshot through the forehead an' plumb dead.

  I saw how it was in a flash: Eugene had almost missed himself, but hadshot Red Erickson, who had been hidin' up the side of the ravinebehind him. I slipped Red's empty gun into his hand, emptied Eugene'sgun; an' then I tore for town, gathered up the boys an' told 'em thatEugene had gone up the ravine bent on mischief. We got a lantern andhurried up the ravine where Eugene was just comin' back to genuwineconsciousness again.

  He sat there with his head in his hands tryin' to cheer himself withsome o' the mournfullest moanin' ever I heard. I held the lantern toRed's face a moment an' bawled out: "Boys, this is Red Erickson! Himan' Eugene has been duelin', an' they have killed each other."

  This gave Eugene his cue--an' a cue was all Eugene ever needed. Hepulled himself together, took plenty o' time to get the lay o' theland; an' then he gave us a tale o' that fight which laid overanything I ever heard in that line.

  We carried 'em back to town, an' Eugene was a hero for true. He gotthe reward all right, paid off his debts, an' kept addin' details tothat fight until it was enough to keep a feller awake nights. Hisreputation picked up right along until even ol' man Dort had to admitthe' was more to Eugene than he had allowed.

  Next day when I got back to the Diamond Dot, I found Horace all packedup for leavin'; and it made me feel mournful to the bones o' my soul.I didn't know how much I thought of him until he started to pull out;and I felt so ashamed at what I had done, that I offered to let himkick me all about the place if he'd just forget about it and stickalong.

  But Horace had a stiff neck, all right, and he wouldn't give in. Tankhad had all he could do to get Horace to take the check back; and now,try as I would, I couldn't get him to stay. I drove over to thestation with him, and we had a long talk together. He was in a goodhumor when he left, and I could see he was wishful to stay; but havin'made up his mind, he stuck to it. He said he had had more fun whilewith us than durin' all the procedure of his life; and that if we hadjust kept the joke among us Dotters, he wouldn't have felt so cut upabout it. I told him he had acted just right and that I had acted deadwrong, although it was him takin' Tank's word above mine which hadfirst made me sore.

  This was new light to him, and he softened up immediate. Fact was, wegot purt' nigh girlish before the train pulled out with him wavin' hishandkerchief from the back porch.

  I still feel some shame about this episode; and if any o' you fellersask any more questions to lead me into tellin' of my own silly pranks,why, I'll drive you off the place, and then get my lips sewed shut.