Friar Tuck

by Robert Alexander Wason

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  PEACE TO START A QUARREL

  It was broad day when I woke up--that is, the sun was beginnin' torise--an' the fire had dwindled to coals, the breeze had begun to stiritself, an' I was consid'able chilly. I saw the Friar's nose stickin'out o' one side of his tarp an' Horace's nose stickin' out the other,an' I grinned purty contentedly.

  My experience is, that quarrelsome people usually get along welltogether an' make good company; but sad, serious, silent, polite folksis about the wearin'est sort of an affliction a body can have about.

  I once heard a missionary preach about what a noble thing it was tocontrol the temper. He must have been a good man, 'cause he wasunusual solemn an' wore his hair long an' oily; but he only looked atone side o' the question. I've known fellers who had such good controlo' their tempers that after they'd once been put out o' humor oversome little thing, they could keep from bein' good tempered again fora year. And then again, when a feller keeps too tight a holt on histemper, his hands get numb, an' his temper's liable to shy at somesilly thing an' get clear away from him.

  What I liked about both the Friar an' Horace was, 'at they hadn'tfroze up all their feelin's. It was possible to get 'em stirred upabout things, an' this allus struck me as bein' human; so I was gladto see Horace warmin' his feet in the small o' the Friar's back, an' Iwhistled a jig under my breath while gettin' breakfast.

  They grumbled consid'able when I rousted 'em out; but by the time theyhad soused their heads in the crick, they were in good humor again;an' hungry! Say! Ever since I'd give him his treatment, Horace had hadan appetite like a stray dog; while the Friar allus was a full hand atclearin' tables, except on his one off-day a week. I gave the Friar awink just as Horace splashed into his third cup o' coffee, an' sez:"Friar, you should have seen this creature when he first came outhere. His muscles had all turned to fat, so that he could hardlywobble from one place to another, an' he was so soft that when he'dlie down at night, his nerves would stick into him an' keep him awake.Now, if it wasn't for that fringy thing he wears on his face, he'dlook almost exactly like a small-sized human."

  The only come-back Horace made was to start to sing with his mouthfull o' cornbread an' bacon. This was more 'n any one could stand, soI tipped him over backward, an' asked the Friar which way he washeadin'.

  The Friar's face went grave at once; and then he began to post me upon Olaf the Swede. I had heard some rumors that summer, but hadn'tpaid much heed to 'em. It now turned out that the Friar and Olaf hadstruck up friendly affiliations; so he was able to give me all thedetails.

  Badger-face had a disposition like a bilious wolf, and when he wasdenied the satisfaction o' jerkin' Olaf out o' this world, he hadturned to with earnest patience to make Olaf regret it as much as hedid. Olaf could stand more 'n the youngest son in a large family o'mules, but he had his limitations, the same as the rest of us; so whenhe saw that Badger was engaged in makin' the earth no fit place forhim to habitate, he began to feel resentful.

  When a boss is mean, he is still the boss and he don't irritate beyondendurance; but a foreman is nothin' but a fellow worker, after all; sowhen he gets mean, he's small and spidery in his meanness; and Ireckon 'at Olaf was justified in tryin' to unjoint Badger-face,thorough and complete.

  O' course, Ty had to back up Badger for the sake o' discipline; but hedidn't wreak any vengeance on Olaf when he tendered in hisresignation, which proves 'at Ty still was full o' respect for Olaf.Badger was groanin' on his back when Olaf left; but he called out thathe intended to get square, if he had to wear all the curves off hisown body to do it.

  Olaf had the gift o' sensin' men, all right; but his judgment wasn'tsuch as to make a yearlin' bull willin' to swap, and what he did wasto take the Pearl Crick Spread as a homestead. It was only aboutfifteen miles from the Cross brand ranch house, and it was one o' thechoicest bits in the whole country. This act was on a par with aninfant baby sneakin' into a wolf den to steal meat. The Friar put thefinishin' touch by sayin' that Olaf had bought the old, run-down Tbrand, and then I lost patience.

  "Does Olaf sleep with a lightnin' rod connected to the back of hisneck?" I asked as sober as a boil.

  "What do ya mean?" asked the Friar, who was innocent about somethings.

  "Well, that looks like another good way to attract trouble," sez I.

  "Olaf does not want any trouble," sez the Friar with dignity. "All hewants is an opportunity to work his claim in peace. He has moreself-control 'n airy other man I've ever known."

  "It's a handy thing to have, too," sez I, "providin' a feller knowshow to use it. Why, ya could change a T brand to a Cross quicker 'n aone-armed Mexican could roll a cigarette. Ty Jones'll get more o' thatbrand 'n ever Olaf will. How is Kit Murray gettin' along?"

  "She is a fine girl," sez the Friar, his face lightin'. "She has cutout all her wild ways, and Mother Shipley sez her daughter thinks asmuch of her as if they was sisters. I got word last week 'at herhusband died in a hospital; and I hope she'll marry Olaf some day."

  "Well, I'll bet the liquor again' the bottle 'at she never does it,"sez I. "In the first place, she's got too much style, and in thesecond, she's got too much sense. Ty's already got more stuff 'n hecan take care of through a dry summer, and the next one we have, he isgoin' to need Pearl Crick Spread. A grizzly traffics along withoutbein' disturbed, until he gets the idee that he owns consid'ableproperty, and has legal rights. Then one day the' don't seem to beanything else demandin' attention, so out go a parcel o' men andharvest the grizzly. That's the way it'll be with Olaf."

  "I advised him to move," sez the Friar; "but he's set in his ways."

  "Self-control," sez I. "I was workin' in a mine once with a mule and aHungarian; and both of 'em had an unusual stock o' self-control. Oneday right after a fuse had been lit, the mule decided to rest near thespot; an' the Hun decided to make the mule proceed. We argued with 'emas long as it was safe; but the mule had his self-control an' all fourfeet set, and the Hun was usin' _his_ self-control an' a shovel.All we ever found was the mule's right hind leg stickin' through theHungarian's hat, and we buried these jus' as they was."

  The Friar sighed, pursed up his lips, and sez: "I wish I could helphim."

  "Help him all you can, Friar," sez I; "but after the fuse is burnin',you pull yourself out to safety. Ty Jones could easy spare you withoutgoin' into mournin'."

  The Friar rode on about his business, an' me an' Horace went back tothe ranch, him pumpin' me constant for further particulars about Olafan' Kit. "Horace," sez I finally, "did you ever see these folks?"

  "I never did," sez he.

  "Then," sez I, "what you got again' 'em 'at you want 'em to marry?"

  "Marriage," sez he with the recklessness common to old bachelors, "isthe proper condition under which humans should live--and besides, Idon't like what you tell about Ty Jones."

  From that on, Horace began to talk hunt; and when Horace talkedanything, he was as hard to forget as a split lip. He had brought outsome rifles which the clerk had told him would kill grizzlies onsight, and Horace had an awful appetite to wipe out the memory o' thatwoodchuck.

  I admit that no one has any right to be surprised at anything some oneelse wants to do; but I never did get quite hardened to Horace WalpoleBradford. When ya looked at him, ya knew he was a middle-aged man withside-burn whiskers; but when ya listened to his talk, he sounded likea fourteen-year-old boy who had run away to slaughter Injuns inwholesale quantities.

  All of his projecs were boyish; he purt' nigh had his backbone buckedup through the peak of his head before he'd give in that ridin' meanones was a trade to itself; and the same with ropin', and severalother things. It ground him bitter because his body hadn't slippedback as young as his mind, an' he worked at it constant, tryin' tomake it so.

  He wore black angora chaps, two guns, silver spurs, rattlesnakehat-band, Injun-work gauntlets, silk neckerchief through a silverslip, leather wristlets, an' as tough an expression as he could workup; but the one thing of his old
life he refused to discard was hisside-burns. Sometimes he'd go without shavin' for two weeks, an' we'dall think he was raisin' a beard; but one day he'd catch sight ofhimself in a lookin'-glass, an' then he'd grub out the new growth an'leave the hedge to blossom in all its glory.

  We were long handed for the winter as usual, an' the' wasn't anyreason why we couldn't take a hunt; so Tank an' Spider egged him on,an' I wasn't much set again' it myself. Horace agreed to pay us ourwages while we were away, an' offered Jabez pay for the hosses; but o'course he wouldn't listen to it; and for a few days he even talkedsome o' goin' with us, though he didn't ever care much for huntin'.

  Finally we started out with a big pack train an' enough ammunition foran army. Besides me an' Horace, the' was Tank, Spider Kelley, TillteDutch, an' Mexican Slim. Slim was to do the cookin', an' the rest ofus were to divvy up on the other chores all alike, Horace not to betreated much different simply because he was payin' us our wages; buthe was to have the decidin' vote on where we should go an' how longwe'd stay. It was fine weather most o' the time, though now an' againwe'd get snowed up for a day or so in the high parts.

  I had allus felt on friendly terms with the wild creatures; an' I hadtold him before we started that I wouldn't have no part in usin'hosses for bear-bait, nor shootin' bears in traps, nor killin' a loto' stuff we had no use for; but Horace turned out to be as decent ahunter as I ever met up with, an' after the second day out he did aslittle silly shootin' as any of us. He wasn't downright blood-thirsty,like a lot of 'em who get their first taste too late in life. He caredmore for the fun o' campin' out an' stalkin' game than he did forkillin'. We only got one silver-tip, most of 'em havin' holed up; butwe found all the other game we wanted. Horace killed the grizzly,which was a monster big one, and this wiped the woodchuck off hisrecord, and inflated his self-respect until the safety valve on hisconceit boiler was fizzin' half the time.

  We made a permanent camp not far from Olaf's shack, an' it didn't takeme long to see 'at the foxy Horace was more interested in Olaf an' hiswar with Ty Jones than he was in huntin'. As soon as we had our camparranged, he got me to take him over to Pearl Crick Spread to call onOlaf. I told him that Olaf wasn't what you'd call sociable; but heinsisted, so we went.

  We found Olaf in an infernal temper, an' some tempted to take it outon the first human he met; but this didn't phaze Horace. He thought hecould start Olaf by tellin' him that Kit Murray was a widow; but theFriar had already told him and Olaf wouldn't thaw worth a cent. Hekept on askin' questions, even when they wasn't answered, until Olafgot hungry an' asked us in to eat dinner with him. After we had eaten,we sat around the fire smokin', an' Horace looked as contented as acat. He kept at his questionin' until he got Olaf to talkin' freer 'nI had supposed he could talk.

  Horace tried him out on all sorts o' things, an' when Olaf snubbedhim, why, he just overlooked it an' tried somethin' else. Finally hetried his hand at religion, an' this was what loosened Olaf up. NowOlaf was actually religious, and called himself a Christian, but the'was a heap o' difference between his brand o' it an' the Friar's.

  Olaf's God took more solid satisfaction in makin' hell utterlyinfernal than a civilized community takes in a penitentiary; an' Olafwas purty certain as to who was goin' there. When he got to talkin'religion in earnest, his face grew hard an' his eyes bright, an' hegloated over the souls in torment till he showed his teeth in a grin.The' wasn't any doubt in his mind that Ty Jones was goin' to be amongthose present, an' this led him into tellin' what had put him so farout o' humor before we'd come along.

  He had found another one of his cows shot an' only a couple o' steakscut off. He fair frothed at the mouth when he told us this, an' hedidn't make any bones of givin' Ty the credit for it. He cut loose an'told us a string o' things 'at he knew about Ty, an' ya couldn't blamehim for feelin' sore. He talked along in a rush after he got started,tellin' o' the way 'at Ty changed brands an' butchered other fellers'stock an' wasn't above takin' human life when it stood in his way. "Hemade me as big a devil as he is," sez Olaf; "an' now he knows 'at Ican't get any backin'; so he is just persecutin' me; but some o' thesedays, I'll get a chance at him."

  Horace had dropped into a silence while Olaf was talkin'; but now heraised a finger at me, an' said: "I'll tell you what we'll do: insteadof huntin' ordinary wild beasts, we'll just keep watch on Olaf'sstuff, an' when any one bothers it, why, we'll take 'em into some townwith a jail."

  Olaf shook his head, an' I told Horace that the' wasn't any law forbig cattle men; but Horace was all worked up, an' after we'd left Olafan' started for camp, he didn't talk of anything else. He put itbefore the boys; but they were all again' it, an' told him a lot o'tales about fellers who had tried to buck the big cattle men. Horacecalled us all cowards; but we only laughed at his ignorance an' lethim carry on as far as he liked. He sat up way into the night broodin'over it, an' from that on he did a lot o' scoutin' on his own hook. Weused to keep an eye on him, though; so after all he had his own wayabout it, an' Olaf's stuff was watched purty close.

  The boys was proud of Horace, just as they'd have been proud of afightin' terrier; but they was worried about him, too, in just aboutthe same way.

  "I tell you, that little runt would shoot to kill if he got a chance,"sez Tank Williams, one night while Horace was away.

  "Aw ya can't tell," sez Spider. "He thinks he would; but he's neverbeen up against it yet, an' ya can't tell."

  "Well, what if he did shoot," sez Slim, "we wouldn't have to mix in,would we?"

  "You know blame well we'd mix in," sez Tank, "an' you can't tell whereit would end. If Horace had 'a' come out here when he was a kid, he'd'a' turned out one o' the bad men for true. It's in his blood. Look athim! when he came here first, he didn't have no more get-up 'n a sofypiller; but look what he's gone through since. I saw him, myself,march along without food for four days, an' when we came up with thatcow, he was willin' to help kill her with a rock or strangle her todeath, an' he didn't make no more bones o' calf-milkin' her than acoyote would. He started out in life with more devilment in him 'n anyof us, an' what he's achin' for now is a mix-in with the Cross brandoutfit. That's my guess."

  "An' that's my guess," I chimed in; but just then we heard two shotsclose together, then a pause an' three more shots. We jammed on ourhats an' guns an' rushed outside. It was a moonlight night, an' wehustled in the direction o' the shots. Before long we made out Horacean' Tillte Dutch comin' towards us, an' Horace was struttin' likeCupid the bulldog used to walk, after he'd flung a steer. It was thefirst time I'd ever noticed this, but I noticed it plain, out there inthe moonlight.

  "What's up?" I asked.

  "I reckon 'at somebody knows by now that Olaf's stuff is havin' alittle interest took in it," sez Horace.

  We came back into the old log cabin where we was campin', an' Dutchtold about how Horace had got him to walk with him, an' had sat downon a rock where they could see Olaf's little bunch o' cattle grazin'.He said 'at Horace sat with his rifle across his lap and kept watchlike an Injun scout.

  After a time they saw two men creep out of a ravine not far from wherethey was sittin' an' sneak down on the bunch o' cows. One of 'em hadshot a cow, an' Horace had shot him, bringin' him down, but notkillin' him. The two had run for the ravine, an' Horace had tried tocut 'em off, an' he had gone along 'cause Horace had; but the two hadgot to their hosses first. Each o' the two had taken one shot, an'Horace had shot back but none o' these last shots had hit anything,an' the two had got away.

  "I'll bet they haven't got so far away but what we'll hear from 'emagain," sez Tank.

  "The thing for us to do is to start back to the Diamond Dot," sez I.

  "We shall stay here, an' see what happens," sez Horace, lightin' hispipe. His eyes were dancin' an' he was all puffed up. I didn't say anymore. I just looked at him. He was the same old Horace, side-burns an'all; but still the' was enough difference for me to begin to regrethavin' give him the treatment. I had cured his nerve so complete itseemed likely to boss the whole crowd of
us into trouble.