Lauren Takes Leave

by Gerstenblatt, Julie

  “So?”

  “I walked off set yesterday morning.”

  I can see that he’s rattled, admitting this. “That’s pretty big, huh?” I sound like Georgie, coaching a child who has just read aloud for the first time.

  “Never done it before. Real dick move.”

  I try to think of something proactive to say while my mind is processing this new information: Tim Cubix is afraid of something? I settle on, “What’s next?”

  He leans back into the leather seats and considers this. “Big press due to come on set tomorrow. I know I have to be there. Everyone’s losing money as is, each day I’m not there filming. If this story gets out, it will go national.”

  “Inter,” I say. “International.”

  “Fuck.” He looks my way with ironic grin number five. “Fucking snakes.”

  I’m starting to warm again toward Tim, the vampire superhero with an actual Achilles heel, but then my smile turns chilly as I consider what he’s not admitting. “Snakes or no, you really lied to us.”

  “In a way,” he concedes again, this time with regret. He scratches his scruffy beard. “I wish I hadn’t done it that way, but I just didn’t see any other choice at the time.”

  I can see it pretty clearly from his point of view. But I have to think about what Kat would say, how Jodi would respond. “And you used us.”

  “As a disguise, of sorts, yes. I needed to regroup, and you guys just happened along, yelling at each other at the perfect time.” He smiles genuine smile number one.

  I wanted to stay mad at him, really I did.

  But the thing is, I’m not only a somewhat sane person, I’m also the kind of person who likes to give others the benefit of the doubt.

  And who can hate a genuine movie star who genuinely hates snakes with such conviction, I ask you?

  So, anyway, as I sit in his stretch Hummer limo, Tim Cubix is apologizing to me. Do you understand how bizarre that is? And how huge? He’s sorry for lying to us. His intentions were self-motivated, but weren’t ours as well?

  As if sensing my hesitation, Tim adds, “It wasn’t one-sided. You guys used me, too, you know.”

  “For your fabulousness?” I joke.

  He laughs, a deep chortle. “As Kat would say, Absofuckinglutely.”

  Something is still troubling me, though. “How do I know you’re not lying to me right now? I mean, you are an actor.” I don’t mention that I’ve privately nicknamed and catalogued all of his expressions.

  “I hate when people say that. It’s like you can’t possibly ever be considered truthful if you lie for a living.”

  “When you put it that way…” I joke.

  “Yeah, it sounds really bad.” He stops to consider what else to say. “I guess you just have to trust me, right? Isn’t that what friends do?”

  “Oh, so now we’re friends.”

  “I hope so, Lauren. I really do like you nutballs.” Spoken like one who knows us pretty well, I think.

  “Oh, what the hell.” Even if it is fleeting, I’d rather have this moment with Tim under false pretenses than not have it at all. I put out my hand and we shake on it. “It’s all good.”

  Now that we’re back to being allies, I debrief Tim on our dilemma with Sonia Goldberg. “There’s a massive gay pride parade blocking Collins Avenue, and then there’s a plane that’s supposed to take off in one hour and twenty-five minutes…with us on it!” I summarize.

  Tim signals to the bodyguards, who get back in the car, and the three of them, together with the driver, try to figure out what to do to help us.

  Tim pauses from his conversation for a second and lets his gaze drift out the window.

  Something in the parade catches his eye, because the next thing I know, he’s barking orders to the bodyguards and forming a plan.

  “What?” I ask, excited in a clueless-puppy sort of way. I’m completely happy about his strategy and I have no idea why!

  Tim turns to me, his blue eyes sparkling and devilish. “It’s Dixie! She’s the key!”

  “She’s got the key? The key to what?” I call, but Tim’s not listening.

  Instead, he continues to shout directions at his bodyguards, Tweedledee and Tweedledum. They ask me where the van with Jodi and Sonia was last seen. I quickly rattle off the cross street, and the two burly bodyguards take off in that direction, pushing against the tide of pedestrians as quickly as they can.

  Then Tim Cubix exits the limo, grabs me by the hand, and leads me toward the middle of the parade. In that moment, I feel like we’re starring together in some action adventure–romantic comedy mashup film and I’m long-limbed Cameron Diaz!

  But this is real life, which makes me short and makes me worry for Tim’s safety for a moment, knowing he’s truly bodyguardless and truly in the middle of a full-on city parade. “Are you scared?” I ask.

  “Nah!” He smiles. “I’m loving this!”

  “Good!” I say. “Me, too!” I feel young and dangerous and sexy, and at the same time, I feel completely safe. I have no idea what Tim’s up to, but I suddenly trust him with my life, since he’s trusting me with his.

  “Call Lenny and Kat and have them meet us here,” Tim shouts over the din of the crowd.

  “Where’s here?” I yell. Tim points and I follow his finger’s line, up and over the feathers and boas, and onto Dixie’s float.

  I stare at the scene in disbelief.

  We could not have planned a more brilliant escape plan than the one floating before us now.

  Dixie is cross-dressed as Ruby Richmond again, only today she sports an army-green tank top, tight black shorts, and a huge utility belt. Her hair is pulled back in a high ponytail. The float is covered with ancient-looking artifacts and caskets, with men dressed in fatigues trying to shoot at her from behind crates.

  “Dixie!” Tim shouts as we jog alongside her float. She cocks a .22-caliber in his direction, which I can only hope is also a prop. She sees us and drops the weapon.

  “Hi!” she says, extending her hand to Tim, that rich bravado carrying over the random noise of the crowd. “Get up here, stud!”

  Dixie Normous is dressed up as Ruby Richmond in her most fulfilling role to date: the video-game-to-big-screen character Jenni Bale: Crypt Ranger.

  “This float is about to get one more casket.” Tim winks, hoisting me up after him.

  Securely aboard, he explains to Dixie the disaster that has been our morning. “So, bottom line, we’re in a bit of a bind and we need to hitch a ride with you to get Sonia Goldberg’s remains up the avenue. Can you handle it?”

  Dixie’s full lips pout in concentration as she takes it all in. Then she blinks once, and flashes a brilliant Ruby-like smile at the crowd. “For my life’s leading man? You know I’ll do anything!”

  The float is making steady progress up Collins Avenue. Kat and Lenny get my text, and, a few minutes later, they are running alongside us and hop on. The four of us stand atop the float and wave to the crowds and cameras as we scout for signs of Jodi, her grandmother, and the bodyguards.

  “This is surreal,” Lenny voices for all of us.

  “Sort of like that time we shroomed senior year,” I add.

  “At Disneyland. I remember it fondly. I thought you were Goofy.”

  “I am!”

  I’ve never been in the midst of so much action. Standing on the float gives us a great view of the whole stretch of road, the beach one block over, and swarms and swarms of festively-attired people. Voices call out to us as if we actually belong on the Crypt Ranger float.

  We’ve reached the middle of the parade route, it seems, where bleachers and a bandstand have been set up. News vans with camera crews from local television stations are parked down a side street. Our float slows down and then stops as the parade’s MC announces our arrival. Surprisingly, he’s dressed in a suit and tie.

  “That man is rather formal for this occasion, no?” I ask Dixie.

  “That’s KD Lang,” she points out. “Always
dresses like an undertaker, what can I say?”

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” KD begins, “may I present Dixie Normous as Ruby Richmond as Jenni Bale: Crypt Ranger!” The crowd explodes into deafening cheers. Dixie cocks a machine gun and sprays fake bullets over everyone’s heads.

  “And…who’s this?” KD continues, noticing our famous companion. Tim waves tentatively at her. “Why…I believe that Ruby brought her delicious family man, Tim Cubix, along for the ride today!”

  The crowd goes nuts. Dixie grabs Tim and smacks a wet kiss on him, and I am reminded of Kat and Shay at Wednesday night’s fortieth birthday party.

  “Great costumes, Rubix Cube!” KD winks. I wonder if she knows it’s really Tim with Dixie.

  The float lurches forward an inch and is about to start moving again, when we hear shouting behind us. “Hold that float!” someone calls. The chant picks up voices along the way and pretty soon everyone around us is cheering it: “Hold that float! Hold that float!” It’s like we’re at a baseball game when everyone starts in on “Let’s go, Yankees!”

  Kat and I rush to the back of the float to see what’s up.

  Coming toward us are Tweedledee and Tweedledum, bearing Sonia’s casket high over their heads. Behind them I can just about make out Jodi’s auburn head as the sun glints off it, walking unsteadily on last night’s strappy, high-heeled sandals. Her feet must be killing her.

  People part to let them through as the bodyguards heave the plain pine box onto the float. We take Jodi by the hands and get her aboard. Some of the actors around us help move the casket so it’s safely positioned toward the middle.

  Jodi looks like she might faint. We find a crate for her to sit down on. Someone passes her a canteen of water. After taking a deep gulp, she scans the street below. Finding Tim’s bodyguards in the crowd, she blows kisses at them and then mouths “Thank you.”

  One of them puts his hand over his heart. The other waves her gratitude away, as if carrying a casket ten blocks in ninety-degree heat is no big deal. He’s dripping sweat like rain.

  “Okay!” Tweedledee shouts, hitting the side of the float like it’s a tractor. “Start her up!”

  Our float starts its gentle glide again.

  Music begins as the next float in line takes center stage. It’s the Beatles’ “Twist and Shout” and it makes me want to dance, only I’m not coupled off. Kat and Tim twist into each other, leaving Lenny to dance with Dixie. He gives a shrug my way and goes for it.

  I take a seat next to Jodi and put my arm around her. “It’s going to be fine.” I say. “I’m like ninety-seven percent sure.”

  I can’t help but notice that the big guys are going to remain close to Tim. They each move to one side of the float and act as our personal escorts up the avenue.

  It takes another ten minutes to get to the Loews. The end of the parade route is near and the crowd has thinned out substantially at this point. I can see our hotel’s mammoth white façade and do a mental cheer that we’ve made it this far.

  Tim motions to Lenny. A whispered huddle follows, Lenny bending down quite a bit in order to get eye-to-eye with Tim. I notice Lenny nodding his head in agreement as Tim passes him a slip of paper. The conversation ends with a handshake–arm bump, hug, slap-on-the-back combo, the likes of which I’ve never seen.

  Then Tim turns to us. “You guys jump off here and go pack,” he instructs. “I’ll have my driver meet you outside the hotel in fifteen minutes.”

  “But what about…” Jodi begins.

  “My guys will get Sonia safely off this thing and into the Hummer. You’ll all drive together to the airport. I’m staying in Florida, for work.” He looks at me and smiles. I give him the thumbs-up. He’s got to go back on set and deal head-on with whatever problems he’s got. It’s that kind of day for all of us, Tim, I want to say. A day to face the snakes in our lives.

  Tim stops and looks at Jodi, taking her by the hands. She looks away, somewhat theatrically. I think I see a hint of a smile under all that lovely red hair, but I can’t be certain.

  “I know you don’t trust me anymore, Jo,” Tim says, as we all hang on his every word and her every response. “I know you probably can’t even stand me. So I’ll promise on Lauren’s good name instead of mine. I promise to take care of your grandmother.”

  Jodi tosses her hair over one shoulder and looks Tim in the eyes. “Whatever, Lex.” She pretends nonchalance, but her eyes are brimming with tears.

  “Thanks for trusting me,” he says. Then he leans over and kisses her on the forehead.

  “Aw,” Kat coos.

  I think I hear the sound of a camera’s click, but that would be impossible to make out over the rush and roar of the crowd. Wouldn’t it?

  Chapter 26

  If my life story were a movie—which I now sometimes like to believe it is—here’s what you’d see this minute, flashing across the screen.

  You’d see adjoining hotel rooms, in which three women and one man (in their mid-to-late thirties, all rather attractive) frantically fling their belongings into suitcases. They emerge from the hotel lobby a bit frazzled and pile into a white Hummer-style stretch limousine. One woman, wearing a huge white sun hat, black Chloe sunglasses, and layers of gauzy material, opens the back of the vehicle. She extends a perfectly manicured hand out to touch the plain pine box.

  After a dramatic pause of a few seconds, she slams the trunk closed and slides into the limo next to her friends. Collective Soul’s “Hollywood” plays loudly as the camera pulls wide, showing from a bird’s-eye view the limo as it makes its way along the highway to Miami International Airport.

  “Tim made sure they’d hold the plane for you,” the driver says as we reach the airport. I notice that we’re not at the traditional arrivals and departures gate. In fact, magically, we’re on the tarmac.

  The belly of a commercial 747 hovers overhead. We scramble out of the car and quickly make our way up the steps and into the cool, recirculated air of the plane. “Thank you!” I call after the driver. “Please tell Tim how much we appreciate all of this!”

  The driver tips his hat in acknowledgement, before moving the vehicle out of the way of the giant metal bird.

  Because of our distinctly Hollywood entrance and the high we’re all feeling from the ride, we’re expecting an equally glamorous welcome on the jet. Maybe applause from the other passengers, or at least some champagne from the crew. Instead we are greeted with forty-two rows of icy silence. Apparently, people don’t like when their plane is delayed, even if it is for a dead grandma and her unconventional entourage.

  Awkwardly, we move past the fabulous people and down the walk of shame, finding our seats in the middle of coach. Jodi sits by the window, pressing her nose to the glass. I assume that she’s watching her grandmother being lifted into the cargo hold along with all of our luggage, which can’t be easy for her.

  “You holding up?” I ask.

  “What the hell just happened?” Jodi asks. “I mean, really!” She doesn’t seem upset so much as shocked.

  I shake my head with the absurdity of the past twenty-four hours. “I don’t know, Jo…but it would make a fantastic movie, dontcha think?”

  “Gum, anyone?” Kat asks, extending a new pack of Juicy Fruit and smiling wide.

  It’s only after takeoff that I realize I have no idea what I’m heading back to.

  As soon as the captain announces that we are free to move about the cabin, Lenny comes up the aisle from his seat to find us. He stretches his arms overhead and yawns like a baby lion. His hazel eyes crinkle pleasantly and the lines between his eyebrows crease with character. He’s holding that pose to really enjoy the stretch, giving me an unguarded moment to enjoy the sharp angle of his chin and the perfect symmetry of his face. When he’s done, his eyes lazily open and meet mine, looking, as always, like he’s just heard the funniest joke and he can’t wait to share it.

  He really is cute.

  Cute from afar, I mean. There is to be no touching.<
br />
  “So…” Kat begins. “What were you and Tim talking about back on the float?”

  “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” Lenny jokes.

  “Seemed pretty profound,” I add. “Especially since you hated him a few hours ago and then suddenly you’re doing the arm-bump with him.”

  Lenny pauses and considers what to say. He turns to the guy in the aisle seat across from ours. “Hey, buddy?”

  The man’s got to be in his mid-to-late twenties. He takes his headphones off and looks up. A smile of recognition lights up his face. “MC Lenny?”

  “Yeah, dude, that’s moi,” Lenny says. “Switch seats with me?”

  “Cool!” the guy says, grabbing his gear and exiting the row. “You working on anything now?”

  “Yeah, actually, I just landed a little project with Tim Cubix,” Lenny says, winking our way.

  “Excellent! Can’t wait to see it, man.”

  Lenny moves aside to let the guy through. “Twelve C. I’ll move my stuff in a sec.” Then he sits and stretches his legs into the aisle. Seeing the three of us staring at him, he adds, “What?”

  “Please elaborate,” I say.

  “You’ll kill me, but tell all to a random stranger who just happens to know who you are?” Kat adds.

  “Figure of speech,” he says. “Not literal murder.”

  Lenny then tells us how Tim’s been working on a project to help Haiti recover since their devastating earthquake a few years back. “His goal is to build twenty new schools, to replace some of those lost by the earthquake,” Lenny says. “And to significantly raise the country’s standard of education from where it had been before. Train teachers, recruiting from within Haiti, and empower the citizens through education. The program is called Build a Better Future.”

  “I remember when he made that announcement,” I say. “It got a lot of press.”

  “Yeah, it did. But since then, the Future program has been sort of forgotten about. What with so many other initiatives in and around Haiti. At least, that’s what Tim was telling me.”

  “So…let me guess.” I smile, an idea forming. “He wants you to spread the word?”