Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Karelia Stetz-Waters

  “That is the idea,” Amy said.

  Reluctantly, Cade called an Uber and waited outside Rookies Beers and Balls. Her parents were right. She was the responsible one, and the responsible choice was to stay and do what she could to salvage Ruth’s assets. She wandered around Ruth’s house when she got back. It looked a little cheerier in the day. It was possible that Selena had tried to clean up. Someone had picked up the old tissues and cleaned up the casseroles…well, not exactly. When Cade looked out the back door, she saw them piled on the little sidewalk that ran the perimeter of the house. A really responsible person would bring them back in and clean the pans. A really, really responsible person would try to return the pans to their owners. Cade wasn’t that good. She walked outside and dumped them in the trash.

  Chapter 8

  Then, since she was outside already, Cade squished across the lawn to the in-law apartment where Selena lived. Selena’s lights were on although her curtains were closed. Cade hesitated at the door. She hoped Selena would just say thank you. Not I told you so. Of course you have to stay. You owe this to your aunt.

  She knocked.

  “Go away!” It sounded like Selena was standing right against the door. “You don’t get to just show up. I don’t want you here.”

  That was the opposite of thank you. Cade rubbed her hands over her face.

  “I just came to talk about the shop.”

  Cade turned to go. The door flew open. Selena stood in her moonlight-white robe, a phone pressed to her ear. A voice on the other end of the phone crackled. Cade made out, “Why would I have called you if I was at your house?”

  “I have to go,” Selena said to the caller.

  “I want…” the person on the other end said. “…you owe me…running away…”

  Cade couldn’t make out all of the caller’s words, but she made out enough to know she didn’t like her.

  “You don’t get to.” Selena’s large, dark eyes looked troubled, and her voice trembled.

  You okay? Cade mouthed.

  “Cade’s here.” Selena said, her voice gaining a little strength. “And don’t tell me I’m making it up because she’s right here.”

  That would be a strange thing to make up.

  The caller began to say something, but Selena said, “No, no, no,” moving the phone away from her ear as she spoke. Then she closed her…flip phone. A motion Cade hadn’t seen since she was in high school when the popular girls snapped their phones closed aggressively, a sign that the caller had been thoroughly scolded. Had flip phones come back, like vinyl and Polaroids? Cade had missed it.

  “I’m here,” Cade said.

  Cade glanced at Selena’s space. The studio apartment looked like a vintage clothing store at Christmas. Twinkling lights hung from the ceiling. A feather boa slithered across the floor. The furniture was strewn with velvet capes and piles of lace. Selena’s perfume hung in the air, musky and floral, like jasmine vines mating at night. It was lovely and the exact opposite of Cade’s apartment.

  “That was my ex.” Selena tossed her phone on her bed. “She’s awful.” She tugged at the hem of her robe, took a shaky breath, and straightened her shoulders. “You want your sweatshirt back.”

  “I’m staying,” Cade said.

  The smile that lit Selena’s face was almost worth the thought of spending a month working in a bankrupt sex toy store while her parents filled the gallery they co-owned with live alpacas.

  “It’s a long shot,” Cade added. “Some cities have grants to help small businesses. Maybe because Ruth was sick…we could work out something with the other vendors. But please don’t hope too much.”

  “If you’re staying, I know it will work out.”

  It would have been nice if the delight in Selena’s voice was for Cade, not for Cade’s ability to salvage her inheritance, but whatever. That was the story of Cade’s life.

  “What made you change your mind?” Selena asked.

  “You were right,” Cade said. “It’s too big an opportunity not to try.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I don’t really want to be here,” Cade said, “but I wasn’t being reasonable. You were.”

  “Come in. Sit down.” Selena hurriedly picked up an armload of clothing, revealing an easy chair beneath.

  “I should go,” Cade said. “Tomorrow you can show me the store.”

  “You’ll love it.” Selena clasped her hands to her chest. “It’s gorgeous. You’re going to be speechless.”

  Unfortunately, Selena was right.

  The next morning, Cade’s Uber dropped her off on a street lined with boutiques and restaurants. A place called Portland Lumbersexual sported a neon beard in the window. The smell of burnt sugar wafted out of an ice cream shop. The letterboard outside a store called Suck Me Succulents read Find eternal peace in a pot. A big promise.

  At the far corner of the courtyard, a large neon sign read Satisfaction Guaranteed. Cade approached warily. A sign on the door said this was a safe space.

  She pushed the door open. Selena was already there, wearing black jeans, a corset, and a fake-fur stole. Of course she looked fabulous, her dark curls piled on top of her head except for one tendril that caressed her cheek. Cade was wearing a gray cashmere sweater and gray trousers and gray oxfords. They were different shades of gray. She’d gone crazy.

  “Satisfaction Guaranteed.” Selena spread her arms wide, her face radiating eager pride.

  Cade took another step in. From a marketing perspective…or maybe from any perspective…the store was horrifying.

  If Selena’s cottage looked like a vintage thrift store at Christmas, this looked like a thrift shop had a three-way with a Hallmark store and a bag of sex toys. There was a rack of clothing in Day-Glo 1960s paisley. Some cookware. Way too many pillows emblazoned with YOLO. There was a shelf of lifelike cat dolls…sculptures…their sides rising and falling as if they were breathing. Above them dangled Christmas tree ornaments in the shape of mermen. One had a BDSM flag draped over his shoulders. Another one held a martini. And tucked in around the kitsch were sex toys. Vibrators. A crop. A box labeled Twist Clit & Nipple Triple Sucker. And there were dildos everywhere: Wedged between plush teddy bears. Hanging from ribbons above the counter. Dildos marching in a line across the windowsill…The window which was not frosted and gave passersby a clear view of the store’s contents.

  Above the counter was a large neon art piece. Five wings or prongs spread out from a central core. One curved forward like a neck. The others flared out like the petals of a stylized orchid, swan, or butterfly. It also looked kind of like a fat penguin. The neon was very pink and very bright.

  “I can feel Ruth’s spirit here.” Selena hugged herself. “What do you think? Isn’t it amazing?”

  Amy was a big proponent of if-you-can’t-say-anything-nice-don’t-say-anything-at-all. And Cade let artists down gently when they showed her terrible work.

  “I like…” She couldn’t finish that sentence.

  “I’ve been thinking about what we can do to sell more stuff.” Selena released her arms and put her hands on her hips in a kind of I-can-do-this power pose. “I thought a midnight sidewalk sale. Becket could get her burlesque troupe to perform outside the shop. She does an amazing act where she climbs out of a balloon and strips at the same time. We could do live demonstrations, or we could do a storytelling session about our experiences. You and me, talking about why sex toys are important. We could do a mini Vagina Monologues.”

  Cade did not blurt out I will die first.

  “Oh! And even better,” Selena said. “The sex industry Sexpo is happening in two weeks. We can flyer there, talk to people, get the word out.”

  It was a good idea, but the idea of flyering a sex toy expo made Cade’s stomach churn.

  “Right,” Cade said. She pressed a button on a rubber fish attached to a plaque. It flapped its tail and began singing “Take Me to the River.”

  “I’ll show you around.” Selena made a s
weeping gesture that encompassed the store.

  It wasn’t a large space, but the clutter made it hard to take in.

  “First we’ve got dildos,” Selena said. “Ruth loved dildos.”

  I didn’t need to know that.

  Selena’s voice got a little teary. “This was our favorite.”

  She picked up a butter-yellow dildo complete with balls and veins. It was very large.

  “I think of this as the all-purpose dildo. If I could only take one in my carry-on, it’d be this one.”

  Selena looked down at the dildo. It was the size of Cade’s wrist. A perfect, movie-star tear slipped down Selena’s cheek. Cade half expected Selena to clasp the thing to her breast. It was the kind of bizarre, awkward moment Cade’s family thrust her into. If she were a real Elgin, maybe she’d know what to say.

  “I like the girth.” Selena ran her hand up and down the dildo.

  Cade looked away.

  “Sorry. TMI?” Selena asked. “You want to feel?” She held the dildo out to Cade.

  Cade did not want to feel, but she took the dildo and slapped it against her palm.

  “Sturdy.” Cade felt herself blush. She hoped Selena didn’t notice. “Big.”

  Cade had tried a few dildos. They hurt. She handed the dildo back.

  “The only thing I don’t like about it is the name: the Titan.” Selena wiped the tear off her cheek. “It’s very heteronormative. I mean why can’t something this size be the Helena or the Camilla? Although maybe Titans could be women. I don’t know. It was modeled after a real porn star, and we sell Clone-a-Willy kits. If you have someone back home and you want to have a dildo made in the shape of his penis. Unless you’ve already done that.”

  “I’m gay,” Cade said quickly. At least she could get out of the Clone-a-Willy conversation.

  “Lucky for the girls.” Selena smiled, as though flirting was her natural inclination, even when she was sad.

  It wasn’t personal.

  “You could make one from a friend’s penis,” Selena said, “but that could be weird…or not. Depends on the friend.”

  Cade would have passed out from embarrassment if she had to ask Josiah to clone his penis for her.

  Selena picked up another dildo.

  “Sticky,” she said.

  Why was it sticky?

  Selena held it out for Cade to feel.

  “I believe you.” Cade clasped her hands behind her back.

  “People come in here after eating Ruby Jewel waffle cones.” Selena picked up another one. “Yep. Sticky. Then over here are condoms, garter belts, crotchless panties, vases, cards, Ben Wa balls, and bondage and kink.” Selena motioned to the neon orchid-penguin over the counter. “Ruth’s friend made it.” She smiled sadly. “For her sixty-fifth birthday. It’s the clitoris. Obviously. But a lot of people don’t know it looks like that, so it’s a great demo. My clit is named Artemisia. And here we’ve got bakeware, butt plugs, butt plugs with tails…”

  Cade walked toward a shelf and perused the contents.

  “Why couldn’t my aunt sell succulents?” She hadn’t really meant to say it out loud. “Or ink cartridges.”

  “Because this is more fun,” Selena said. “Don’t you think so?”

  Maybe it would have been if Cade could find one sex toy that worked for her. All they’d done was make her feel like a failure. She’d googled lesbian porn and watched women with long nails suck on dildos. She’d tried. It was as erotic as sucking on a toothbrush.

  “We’ll need to get a portal for online sales,” Cade said. “I looked at the website and it says, If you want to order by mail, call Ruth.”

  Selena took a step closer. Cade caught a whiff of her perfume. She touched Cade’s arm, and Cade jumped. Selena pulled her hand back quickly.

  “I know you didn’t want to do this,” Selena said. Then, tenderly, like she was holding Cade’s heart in the palm of her hand, she said. “We could sell succulents if you’d like, but we have to be really careful to tell people not to put them in the anus.”

  Cade looked at Selena.

  “People make that mistake all the time,” Selena said apologetically.

  Please tell me that’s not true.

  There were a dozen things Cade needed to do to triage Ruth’s finances, but Selena wanted to open the store, and it seemed unfriendly not to work one shift beside her.

  “I’m glad we’re doing this together.” Selena sat on the counter. She took a penis-shaped chocolate pop out of a display box, unwrapped it, and popped it in her mouth. “Thank you.”

  Cade stood beside her, leaning against the counter a few feet away.

  “I read about that exhibit the Elgin Gallery did: Male Fragility. The one with all the dildos melted into welding hoods,” Selena said.

  That had been Cade’s mother’s idea.

  “It was cool.”

  “Thanks,” Cade said.

  “Although I thought it was a little too conceptual,” Selena said.

  Cade was surprised that Selena thought anything about Male Fragility, but Selena was right. It was too conceptual. Cade would never have picked a show that wasn’t great art on its own, with or without a sociopolitical message.

  “But what do I know,” Selena added.

  They fell silent for a moment. They’d yet to see a customer.

  “So what do you do in New York?” Selena offered Cade a chocolate penis.

  Cade shook her head. “I don’t do sugar.”

  Why was she so boring? She could have eaten one chocolate penis to be polite.

  “I’m the gallery manager and curator…and accountant. Basically all of it.”

  “Do you love it?”

  “Mostly. I started doing the gallery taxes when I was sixteen.”

  “I did my taxes once.”

  Cade wasn’t sure if she was joking.

  “I started tattooing when I was sixteen,” Selena added. “Helping my dad out with shading and some flash. And don’t judge. I’m from Tristess, Oregon. It’s the Wild West.” Selena sucked on her chocolate penis for a moment. “Your parents are über cool.”

  Everyone loved Roger and Pepper.

  “My friend Becket’s in an art co-op called the Aviary,” Selena said. “Everyone there’s heard of them. We had to tell people you cannot come to the funeral just to meet the Elgins. But what about when you’re not at the gallery? What do you do?”

  What did she do? Go to galas for work and pretend she was there for fun. Cade’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She glanced at it. Josiah had texted a picture of a remarkable piece of marble work. Piss off, Cade texted with a heart emoji.

  “That’s my friend Josiah. He’s a buyer. He buys a ton of our stuff for his clients, but we’re always fighting over who’s found the next Maya Hayuk.” She showed Selena the marble sculpture. “It’s good, but I won’t tell him.”

  “So what else? Dating?” Selena tapped her heels against the counter. “Pets? I had a snake once, but Becket said I couldn’t let him be loose in my apartment because he’d eventually kill me.”

  “There’s a feral cat that lives on my fire escape. Sociopath. I guess he’s mine. I feed him. He hates me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “He hates everyone,” Cade said. “In the apartment, we say if he shows up on your fire escape something bad is going to happen to you. We call him the Harbinger. But he doesn’t do that to me.”

  Unless getting stuck with a dying sex toy store in a city where it rained twenty-three and a half hours a day was her calamity. She’d thought it was. Chatting with Selena and watching the rain fall outside the store, it didn’t seem quite so bad.

  “I had to ask four people before I found someone who’d feed him while I was away,” Cade said.

  “You take care of things.”

  “That’s me.”

  “That’s important. I bet people love that about you. And how about dating? Girlfriend? Wife?”

  “Not right now.”

  Not ever
.

  “Crazy-ass hookups?”

  “Do I look like a crazy-ass-hookups person?” Cade gestured to her gray sweater.

  “You never know.” The corner of Selena’s mouth quirked up in a smile. “It’s the serious ones who are really kinky. Or maybe you answer fucked-up Craigslist ads and then go to the park just to see what kind of person shows up,” Selena mused. “Then you go sit on the bench where you’re supposed to meet but when they give you the secret word, you’re just, like, I don’t know what you mean.” Selena cocked her head to one side. “Heartbreaker.”

  “I’ve never answered a weird Craigslist ad.”

  “That’s what they all say. Or do you write them?”

  Maybe she should. Want to have an orgasm before I turn thirty. Am probably a bad lover.

  “Are you looking for someone?” Selena asked. “A type?”

  Apparently she skipped small talk and went right to inner longings.

  “I don’t know.” Someone who likes me. A friend. Maybe another pre-orgasmic. “Someone I can count on,” Cade said. “Someone who is not like my parents. Maybe an accountant. But what about you? What do you do for fun?”

  “Besides waiting for you on the park bench?”

  Cade hid her smile. She met women like Selena at art openings, women who flirted with everyone because they were beautiful and playful and they knew no one would mind. It didn’t mean anything, but it was fun to pretend.

  “I do too much.” Selena ate the last bite of chocolate off her penis pop and set the stick down. “Or at least I used to. Too many parties. Too much absinthe. Too many people.”

  She took another chocolate out of the display and unwrapped it.

  “What can I say?” Selena said. “There’s a lot of sexy people out there. You just walk down the street and there they are.” Selena tapped her chest. “Hence, celibate.”

  Cade looked over.

  Celibate?

  “I don’t mind talking about it,” Selena said, although Cade had not asked. “All my friends know.”

  “You don’t have to tell me,” Cade said quickly.

  Selena started telling her.