Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Karelia Stetz-Waters

  “But you loved it.”

  “Sometimes the river would be so bright.” Cade could still feel the sun reflecting off the water. “And sometimes it was like the arctic. But we were all in sync. I’ve never felt so together with people.” She remembered every muscle of her body aching. “It’s the most painful sport. In other sports, it hurts if you get injured, but in crew it hurts if you’re doing it right, but then there’s this moment when it all fades away and you’re at peace.”

  “I know that feeling.” Selena smiled gently. “It’s special.”

  “I try to get that at the gym.” Cade had never told anyone how she pushed herself, straining for that feeling she could never recapture, but she knew Selena’s favorite dildo, she’d met Selena’s ex, and now she knew the last person Selena had slept with. It seemed like Cade should share something. “Sometimes I exercise until I’m going to pass out, but I can’t get that feeling.”

  Selena nodded thoughtfully, like a doctor considering her diagnosis. Then her face brightened.

  “I could flog you, if you liked. It doesn’t have to be sexual. I mean, it is, kind of, but I’ve flogged people I wasn’t sleeping with. I’m not thinking BDSM, more just for the endorphins. It’s a lot less effort than going to the gym; not that I go to the gym, but I’ve seen them.”

  What? Should she say, Um, no! or That’s nice of you. Maybe later? If she said yes, would Selena actually whip her? Like go back to the house and bend her over the sofa? And how did you whip someone in a non-sexual, not-BDSM way? And…would she like it?

  “Um,” Cade said.

  Selena let out a sweet, musical laugh that was definitely at Cade, not with her, but somehow wasn’t mean at all.

  “Maybe later,” Selena said. “You know life is more than boiled chicken.” She picked a cherry out of her drink. “Close your eyes and open your mouth.”

  Cade froze for a moment.

  “Go on,” Selena said. “I don’t bite. You’re the one who could bite.”

  Was Selena’s flirtation a joke? Look at me playing seductress because you’re so uptight and you need someone to shake you up a bit? Was it wishful thinking that told Cade that—somehow, improbably, and in contradiction to everything else Cade had ever experienced with women—the answer was no. Selena was teasing, but she wasn’t joking.

  Cade’s mind reeled. Cade closed her eyes and parted her lips. A second later, Selena slipped a cherry into her mouth. The sweet, intoxicating flavor exploded on Cade’s tongue, but that wasn’t what Cade noticed. She noticed that Selena’s fingertips rested on her lips for a half a second longer than they needed. Every cell of her body focused on that point of contact. Golden ripples spread from her lips through her body.

  Cade’s eyes flew open. Selena held Cade’s gaze, her dark eyes full of implication. Cade’s heart froze between beats.

  Then Selena leaned back as though nothing had happened. Had Cade imagined it?

  “So tell me more about rowing crew,” Selena said.

  And, unlike all the women who asked because they really wanted to know how do I get into the Elgin Gallery?, Selena actually listened to the answer.

  Chapter 17

  Morning was not Selena’s time of day unless she was getting tater tots at a diner after staying up all night, but Cade was working so hard to save the shop. After they’d gone out for drinks the night before, Selena had suggested they watch TV, but Cade said she had to write a grant application for something called the Gentrification Abatement Coalition. Apparently, they gave money to failing businesses that made Portland feel like Portland. Cade was still up, her profile silhouetted in the window, when Selena went to bed. If Cade was working that hard, Selena could do one early morning.

  She dressed quickly in the closest thing she had to work clothes and rode her motorcycle to the shop. The breathing cats looked eerie in the six a.m. darkness. Selena switched on the neon clitoris and then the overhead lights. The shelves really were too crowded. And Cade had been right about the store catering to one kind of person. It looked like the home of a sexy Red Hat Society lady. In other words, it looked like Ruth. But there were so many people who wouldn’t feel comfortable here.

  She closed her eyes and imagined Ruth’s face.

  “You wouldn’t mind if I cleaned up around here? Would you?”

  She pictured Ruth petting the breathing cats and greeting each merman by name. She saw Ruth waltzing around the store with a feather duster. If you have time to lean, you have time to clean, Ruth always said, but it was a joke because Ruth loved to lean. To talk. To sneak whiskey in the back room.

  “This place is so you,” Selena said. “That’s why I didn’t want to change it, but I think Cade might be right. It was you, but it’s not…us.”

  She trailed her fingers along a shelf. It was dusty…and sticky in places. Cleaning sex toys (and sterilizing them if you were sharing with multiple partners) was very important. The shelves did not set a good example.

  “Cade put all your papers in folders and labeled them with what’s actually in them, and she’s applying for a grant.” Selena picked up one of the mermen. She gazed at his smiling face, but she was talking to Ruth. “I’m glad you sent her. I couldn’t have done this without her.”

  She put the merman back and walked around the store, then stopped. Images of Cade kept breaking through her thoughts. Cade in her tight, rain-soaked exercise wear. Cade trying as hard as Selena to look interested at the lecture on inventory. Cade’s grin when they fled. Cade’s gray cashmere sweaters and how sweet it was to be wrapped in Cade’s arms.

  “Don’t be sad. Please. I still love you.” Selena felt a lump in her throat. “I’ll always love you, and I’ll keep the mermen and hang them on the Christmas tree just like we said we would. You’ll be there, right? But I just…I just don’t think we can sell all this stuff and make the store work.”

  The clitoris light flickered. Did that mean, I’m mad, or It’s okay. You go girl?

  “I promise you’ll like it,” Selena said. “It’s going to be a place for everyone.”

  With that, she went into the storeroom and scavenged some boxes and packing material. She started with the mermen.

  Cade came in about an hour before opening. Her eyes widened at the state of the shop. In Selena’s mind, it would all be perfect by the time Cade arrived. There would just be clean sex toys on wide-open shelves. No kittens. No YOLO pillows. No aprons. It’d be like an art gallery of sex toys.

  “I didn’t realize it’d take so long,” Selena said, looking up from where she was sitting cross-legged on the floor surrounded by boxes.

  Cade looked around.

  “Wow,” she said.

  For a second, Selena thought Cade was angry. Her heart sank. You were supposed to love it.

  But Cade said, “You’re cleaning it up.”

  “No more breathing cats.”

  Cade sat down next to her.

  “It’s just going to be sex stuff. Super clean. Super modern,” Selena said. “Vibrators over there. Dildos on that shelf. Anal play near the window. BDSM with—”

  Cade touched Selena’s knee.

  “Are you okay?” Cade asked.

  “Of course.”

  Selena had pushed down the lump in her throat. Cleaning was actually comforting. But now she felt her sadness come back.

  “I’m sad,” Selena said. “But it’s okay. I’m glad I get to be sad about Ruth. That means I got to love her…get to love her. If she hadn’t been in my life, I wouldn’t get to be sad about her now.”

  Cade kept her hand on Selena’s knee. Selena felt the warmth spread through her body.

  “I told her I was going to clean up, and the clitoris light flickered.” Selena felt herself tear up. “I thought maybe that was her sending a sign. Isn’t that dumb?”

  Cade had to be the last person to believe the dead talked to you through neon clitorises, but Cade just said, “That’s not dumb.”

  “I hope she’s not mad or hurt,” Se
lena said.

  “It could be a sign that she’s okay with it,” Cade said. “And she’s an Elgin. If you tell a real Elgin—not me—that you’re going to do something totally different and change everything just to see what happens, they’ll be like, Hell, yeah. Let’s have a bonfire too.”

  Selena laughed.

  “Come here.” Cade opened her arms.

  It was an awkward hug, Selena sitting cross-legged, Cade kneeling in front of her. But that didn’t matter. Cade’s body was warm and strong and comforting. Selena slipped her hands under Cade’s overcoat and nestled her cheek against Cade’s impossibly soft sweater.

  “When we’re done here,” Cade murmured, “we’ll find someplace to donate the things we’re not selling. A nursing home or a shelter…but we’ll not tell them it came from a sex toy store, or if we tell them, you have to be the one to go in and talk to them.”

  Chapter 18

  It was near closing. After several more hours of work, the store was looking great, great enough that Cade had retreated to the back room to review the specs for the Gentrification Abatement Grant one more time before hitting send. At least she was pretending to. The curtain was open between the back room and the store, so she’d know to come out if Selena needed help. Of course, Selena wouldn’t need help. There weren’t enough customers to need help with, and, plus, Selena was a wonderful salesperson. Easy. Friendly, not too friendly. Knowledgeable.

  The door chimed. An older couple came in laughing and shaking the rain off their coats.

  “Come in. Get out of the rain,” Selena said warmly.

  Cade watched the sale. The couple had come in for a cock ring. Selena had a long conversation about anatomy, and somewhere along the line they got into stories about lost sex toys. Selena picked up the Titan.

  “Carry-on only,” she said. “It’s too good for cargo.”

  The woman held up a cock ring.

  “He could wear it on,” she said.

  “I should get one with metal. Really give everyone a thrill,” her partner joked.

  Selena rang them up with a cheerful “Come again soon.”

  The couple laughed.

  Cade turned back to her laptop before Selena could catch her watching, but she looked up when the next customers came in.

  It was a pair of teenage girls. One had green hair, the other a jean jacket with QUEER AS FUCK stenciled on the back. They walked around the store without touching anything, exchanging glances. Finally, they stopped at the dildos.

  “Just pick one,” Queer As Fuck whispered.

  “Which one?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “They’re big. What about those?” the girl with the green hair said, looking at the butt plugs.

  “I don’t think they’re for…” Queer As Fuck winced.

  “Oh.”

  Selena stood in front of the bookshelf, adjusting the already perfectly straightened books.

  “If you have any questions…” she said.

  “No,” the girls said in unison.

  “No problem.” Selena turned back to the books.

  It occurred to Cade that the girls were probably underage. There were laws against minors in sex toy stores, but the chances that the Portland police would send two undercover officers to bust a failing sex toy store for selling—or probably not selling—dildos to teenagers was low.

  The girls looked at the door.

  Green Hair said, “But we took the bus all this way.”

  “It’s kind of overwhelming, isn’t it?” Selena said, putting the last book in its place. “A lot of choices.”

  The girls nodded.

  “The first time I bought one, I ordered it online.” Selena approached them slowly, like approaching a skittish cat. “It came to my dad. I forgot I was using his Amazon account.”

  “What happened?” Queer As Fuck asked.

  Selena shook her head.

  “I love my dad, but we weren’t the kind of family that talked about things, you know, out loud. He tried to tape it up, so it looked like he hadn’t seen it.” Selena affected a gruff voice. “Then he said, I think this got mailed to you. Then he tried to talk to me about the birds and the bees, and he got as far as, When a man and a woman. Then he went on a really long motorcycle ride.”

  The girls laughed.

  “We don’t know which one to get,” Green Hair blurted.

  “Let me show you what we got,” Selena said.

  When they’d picked one, the Milo, Selena rang them up and grabbed a handful of lube samples. She held them up.

  “Really important,” she said as she added them to the bag. “Lube makes it better. Always.” After they left, she called to Cade. “Closing time?”

  “Yeah.”

  Selena turned off the open sign and the overhead lights and wandered into the back room.

  “You staying late?” she asked.

  Cade nodded. There was so much to do.

  “You eat anything?” Selena asked.

  Cade picked up the protein shake on the table beside her. Selena took it from her hand, examined the label, then handed it back.

  “People drink these things because they hate themselves,” she said. “Don’t hate yourself.”

  “They’re good.”

  “No,” Selena said, as though it were scientific fact.

  “Have you tried one?”

  Selena took the bottle back, uncapped it, and took a sip. Cade watched her lips as she sipped, her mouth touching the bottle where Cade’s lips had been, leaving a sheen of burgundy lipstick.

  “Why did you make me do that?” Selena said.

  She rested her hand on Cade’s back. It was just a casual touch. Becket came in the store sometimes, and Selena hugged her like they were long-lost lovers. It wasn’t a big deal, but it felt wonderful.

  “I’m going to get you some real food,” Selena said.

  She came back an hour later with a huge carton.

  “Make some room.” She indicated the desk.

  Cade moved her papers.

  “Chopsticks.” Selena opened the box.

  There were enough noodles to feed a committee. Selena pulled up a chair and dug in.

  “What they say about carbs being bad for you, it’s a lie,” Selena said through a mouthful of noodles. “Conspiracy. Probably from the beef industry. Carbs make people happy.”

  The back room was messy. The light was soft. Selena was beautiful slurping noodles gracelessly off her chopsticks. And Cade was happy. She tried a bite. The noodles were delicious. They ate in silence for a while.

  “You’re really good at selling toys,” Cade said, breaking the companionable silence.

  A noodle disappeared into Selena’s mouth, and she wiped her lips.

  “Thanks.”

  “I make people nervous,” Cade said.

  “You don’t.” Selena twirled her chopsticks in the noodles without taking any. “You’re dignified…like British royalty. You’re really good with the customers who want to take this seriously and get out quickly.”

  Cade put her chopsticks in the container, and Selena tapped them with her own, as if to say, I’m just playing.

  “You do talk a lot about charging speeds.” She put her chopsticks down. “It’s hard selling sex toys. It’s personal, and people come in with baggage.”

  “So if you had to write a book on sex toy sales, what would be your sales technique?” Cade asked.

  “I guess I just try to meet people where they are, talk to that person.” Selena cocked her head and pursed her lips. “Not what they look like or do I think they’ll be into bondage or they’re trans so I think they might like this. I just see them, and then I’m there to help. It’s like painting someone’s portrait. You have to see the whole person. You have to see their soul.” She stopped and added, “That’s what people say. Artists who paint. I don’t know.”

  “I don’t think I can see people’s souls.”

  But could she glimpse Selena’s? That sw
eet, incongruous blend of burlesque hipster and country girl? The way she shared way too much, too soon, and all in one breath, and then the shadow that had crossed her face when she talked about art school. She had stories she didn’t tell. Everyone did. Selena was a little over the top sometimes, but she was human too. Cade wanted to cup Selena’s face between her hands and…well, that wasn’t going to happen.

  “The other trick,” Selena said, breaking Cade out of her reverie, “is just to describe whatever they’re holding.” She snagged an enormous nest of noodles between her chopstick and shoved them in her mouth. “Want to practice after dinner?”

  When they’d finished their noodles—well, one or two pounds of their noodles; there were plenty for leftovers—they went back into the store.

  “Imagine I just walked in,” Selena said. “See if I look comfortable. Really comfortable, picking things up, eye contact. Then you say, Hi, can I help you. Looking for something special? But if I’m like those girls, you wait. Four, five, ten minutes. Then you just let them know they can ask questions.” Selena picked up a vibrator. “Pretend I’m in between. Kind of nervous. Kind of okay with everything. Go ahead.”

  “Can I help you?” Cade sounded stilted.

  “I don’t know. I’m just looking for something new.” Selena looked at her expectantly.

  “I can’t ask what they have already?” Cade said.

  “Describe what I’m holding.” Selena held out the vibrator so Cade could see.

  “That’s the Vibrant, it’s…one of our smallest insertables,” Cade said.

  “Good.”

  “It has a variety of vibration patterns.”

  “Exactly.”

  “But they all do,” Cade said.

  “And they’re all fabulous.”

  “And if you’d like something bigger, we have the Vibrant II,” Cade offered.

  “You got it.” Selena turned the vibrator on and held it against her palm. “But what about the charging speed?” she asked in a sultry voice.

  Another woman teasing her like this would have made Cade feel bad. You’re so uptight. Millennials aren’t having sex. Not much of a life. Six times. No orgasm. But she didn’t feel bad now. She felt seen and appreciated, like Selena thought she was charming just the way she was, with her charging speeds and her British royalty sex toy selling techniques.