Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Karelia Stetz-Waters

  Selena sunk into Cade’s arms, laughing in relief.

  That was me!

  When they were back on the street, Cade said, “I want to give you your present. It’s this way.”

  They strolled down the street. When Cade stopped, it took Selena a moment to realize where they were. Blick Art Supply. Open late for the Art Walk. Cade held the door open, and the familiar smell of paint and canvas washed over Selena.

  “There’s a thousand dollars of credit for you,” Cade said. “They have it in their system. I’ll wait for you at the bar across the street.”

  Selena stopped in the doorway.

  “We should put that money into the store.” She gazed into Cade’s eyes.

  “This is even more important.” Cade’s eyes echoed the sentiment in her words.

  “Oh, Cade.”

  “Go.” Cade held the door a little wider.

  Inside, the store was so familiar. So wonderful. She knew exactly what a tube of Maimeri Classico would feel like in her hand. A filbert brush. The feather of a fan brush.

  “And, sweetheart,” Cade called after her, “you don’t have to be good. Whatever you do is beautiful.”

  Back in her apartment, Selena cleared off her desk for the first time in years. Slowly, one by one, she set out the paints. Cade knocked on the door a few minutes later, two drinks in hand.

  “Do you want me to leave you alone?” she asked.

  “No,” Selena said quickly.

  It was late. They’d stayed at the Art Walk until after nine. They had to work the next day. And she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep next to Cade without sampling Cade’s beautiful body. But a canvas rested on her new easel. She’d peeled off the plastic seals on the paint and the thinner.

  “I’m going to let you paint,” Cade said.

  “Can I paint you?” It was the only thing Selena wanted as much as she wanted to kiss Cade from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. “You could just have a drink and talk to me. But it’s late. You don’t have to. Modeling is boring.”

  “Nothing with you is boring,” Cade said. “How do you want me?” Cade made it sound dirty.

  Selena loved that.

  Selena posed Cade naked in bed so that Cade could fall asleep if she got bored and so that Selena could enjoy Cade’s body naked. She invited Cade to turn toward her, and she draped the Crown Royal quilt around her. Cade looked powerful, sexy, proper, and vulnerable all at once. The room was warm. The string lights illuminated Cade’s face without shadows. Selena considered the rainbow of colors before her. She’d want a blend of manganese and cerulean blue for Cade’s eyes. She picked up a brush.

  It was just a stick with sable fronds. The paint was just pigment in linseed oil. Products with a price tag attached made by a company that did or did not pay their employees enough. Just stuff. She looked back and forth between Cade and the brush in her hand. And she remembered Cade holding her on the patio. The taste of Cade’s body. The way Cade listened to her stories like Selena was the only person in the world. And she touched her brush to a tube of paint. Everything would be okay. The store. The house. This beautiful thing that was starting between her and Cade. She had nothing to worry about. The world went quiet, and there was only her and Cade’s soul and the sheen of oil on stretched canvas.

  Chapter 31

  Cade got the email a few minutes before the store opened. She was sitting on the counter, waiting for Selena to come back with coffees. She opened her email on her phone. Somehow, she’d thought the Coalition would call. Somehow, she’d forgotten that the news was almost certainly going to be bad.

  Dear Ms. Mathis and Ms. Elgin, We regret to inform you…very competitive process…felt that other applicants were more…the coalition’s mission…

  What happened to everything will work out the way it’s supposed to?

  Cade stared at her phone. There must have been dozens of applicants. And a sex toy store run by a Portland hipster and a New York art dealer wasn’t exactly an iconic deli or a shoe repair shop that had been in business since the eighteen hundreds. But she’d lain in Selena’s arms, listening to Selena’s deep, regular breath, and imagined how she would hug Selena if they got the grant. We did it! They’d invite Selena’s friends to the store after closing and drink champagne. Becket would pull Cade aside and say, Thanks for taking care of Selena. Then Cade would have an excuse to stay. She couldn’t leave Selena to run the store until they could afford help. The house needed repairs. Just another month or two. Then, in a month or two or six, when they’d had more time, Cade would say, What if I stayed in Portland? Or you came to live in New York?

  Now she only had a few days before she was supposed to leave.

  The door chimed. Selena walked in, holding cups of coffee. She beamed.

  “Hello, lover,” Selena said. Then her face fell. “What is it?”

  Cade took a deep breath.

  “We didn’t get the grant.”

  “But they loved us.” Selena hurried over and put the coffees down.

  “Love wasn’t enough.”

  The grief on Selena’s face broke Cade’s heart. A month ago, Cade would have preferred Ruth will everything to bulldog rescue so Cade wouldn’t have to deal with it. Now she desperately wanted a feminist sex toy store with a giant, neon clit over the counter. She wanted to see Selena happy.

  “Is there anything we can do?”

  “We’ll talk to Delmar,” Cade said.

  Selena stepped into Cade’s arms, leaning her head on Cade’s shoulder. She wasn’t crying, but her breath sounded ragged.

  Delmar’s office felt darker than Cade remembered it. The wood paneling was almost black. He hadn’t lit a fire in the fireplace. Selena sat silently beside Cade, her head up, her face set in a blank look. It was as sad as seeing her cry.

  “I’ve been in communication with the creditors,” he said. “Palace Perfect and Adult Playground are ready to repossess the inventory and the house. I tried to get another month, but no.”

  “If we sell the cabin?” Cade saw the sea of pillows, the firelight, and Selena’s body, naked before her for the first time.

  “Ruth didn’t own the land,” Delmar said. “Ruth was a wonderful woman.” Delmar capped and uncapped his pen, then set it down. “She wanted this to work for you. You two did an amazing job. You did the best anyone could have done.”

  “What happens next?” Cade asked.

  “We have to do a short sale. Legally have to. We liquidate everything as quickly as possible. Including the store.”

  “That’ll take a lot of work,” Cade said.

  Give me an excuse to stay.

  “There are companies that can run those going-out-of-business sales,” Delmar said. “I’ve talked to a couple. Cade, I know you’re headed back to New York. You don’t have to do it yourself.”

  Cade wanted Selena to stand up and say, No! There has to be a way. You have to stay. You owe Ruth. But she didn’t.

  “You have three days to move out of the house,” Delmar said. “If there are things of value—antiques, furniture, jewelry—those have to stay. But anything you’d sell at a garage sale and sentimentals, photos, keepsakes, you can keep those.”

  Finally, Selena spoke. “Can I take Ruth’s portrait?”

  “Do you think it has a monetary value?” Delmar asked. “Could you sell it for more than…a hundred dollars or so?”

  “Of course not,” Selena said.

  “Then it’s yours.”

  The next two days passed in a blur of moving boxes. There wasn’t time to sort Ruth’s things. Every room was full of treasures, but Cade couldn’t figure out which ones to keep, and there wasn’t time to ask Selena about each teacup. They worked in different rooms. Selena was quiet and efficient, packing boxes and stacking the borrowed van. At night they lay in Selena’s bed. Selena kissed Cade and told her she was beautiful. Selena went down on her with the same attention as always, but Cade didn’t come, and Selena’s moans were quiet and rest
rained.

  The last night, the house was more a disaster than the night of the funeral. Selena stood in the kitchen around midnight, surveying the mess. Cade took her in her arms.

  “How are you doing?” Cade asked.

  Selena leaned against her. “They take the keys tomorrow, right?”

  “We drop them off at Delmar’s,” Cade said.

  “And you’re flying home.”

  “I have a ticket.”

  Ask me to stay.

  Cade buried her face in Selena’s hair, breathing in the smell of jasmine and musk. This was the moment. Cade wouldn’t let it slip away. She was an Elgin. She had not been switched at birth with an accountant. Elgins made big, wild moves. They bought alpacas and joined communes and drank kegs of whiskey at funerals.

  So, I was thinking…I don’t have to go.

  Cade’s mother would tell her there was never a wrong time to share your love. Her father would tell her something about the bacchanalia or Athena, but what he’d mean was YOLO.

  “Selena,” Cade said quietly.

  “Yes?”

  “I was thinking about what comes next,” Cade said.

  I can’t imagine coming home every night and not seeing you. I don’t want you to go to bed alone. We’ve never been to the movies. I haven’t met your father. I want to see springtime with you.

  “With the sale?” Selena asked.

  Cade hesitated. “With us.”

  I want to watch the sunrise reflected in your eyes.

  “I’ve been thinking about that too,” Selena said.

  Selena pulled away just enough to look at Cade. Cade loved how Selena’s emotions showed on her face. Tenderness. Hope. Optimism. Selena looked like she was going to make a declaration, like she was gathering up a torrent of words to release in one long breath.

  Yes! I’ll stay with you. I’ll dream with you. We’ll make it work.

  Selena leaned back into Cade’s chest, tightening her arms around Cade until she was clutching her, pressing her face against Cade’s shoulder, then Selena stepped away.

  “I know you’re really busy,” she said.

  It took a moment for the words to register. Selena had already gone on.

  “You have a career. You’ve worked hard for it, and you own part of the gallery. I guess I’ve got a lot going on too. Time to update my résumé…make one. Becket won’t let me sleep on her couch forever.”

  It sounded rehearsed.

  “But long distance isn’t out of the question for me,” Selena went on. “I know it makes people feel…split. Like they’re not really in one place, and I know you meet a lot of people. Women. But if you’d like to see what happens, I’ll give it a try. This has been really fun. The most fun you could have going bankrupt.”

  This has been fun? Cade felt like she’d been punched. Everything she wanted to say died on her lips.

  “I…” she began.

  Amy would say, Just tell her. Her father would suggest an extemporaneous poem. Her mother would suggest an interpretive dance. But let’s see what happens meant I’m not that interested. Let’s see what happens meant chill out.

  Don’t scare her off.

  “Definitely, let’s see what happens. Of course, long distance is difficult, but…”

  Cade swallowed the lump in her throat. This wasn’t the end. Selena didn’t say, You’re fun but not if I have to fly to New York. Selena was saying they could keep going. Cade would get her a month or two or six. They’d miss each other. Maybe Cade would leave, and Selena would wake up the next morning and think, How could I have let her go? Cade’s heart turned toward the possibility. Maybe. But what she’d wanted to hear was Yes! Yes! Yes! Be mine forever.

  “I’d like to see what happens.” Cade put her gallery manager face on. “This has been a special time for me.”

  Selena nodded.

  “Me too.”

  It felt like they were finishing a business deal.

  Who was she kidding? What made her think she could win over a woman like Selena? Selena would probably wake up and think exactly what she had said: That was fun. Then she’d be off to the Aviary to paint and eat tater tots with Becket. Maybe she’d present Adrien with a to-do list of sex acts. Afterward she’d sprawl out beside him, casual friends who didn’t think sex was a big deal. I needed that, she’d say.

  The thought tore Cade’s heart apart.

  “Of course, it doesn’t have to be exclusive,” Cade said. “Unless you want to?”

  Say yes. Make me stay.

  “Of course,” Selena said.

  “Yes.”

  Cade wasn’t sure what she’d said yes to, only that it was a shadow of a shadow of what she wanted. She drew Selena back into her arms, and they held each other. But that night when Selena stroked the hair between Cade’s legs, Cade stayed her hand.

  “Of course,” Selena said. “I understand.”

  Then Selena curled up behind her, tucking her knees behind Cade’s and wrapping her arm around Cade’s waist. They fit perfectly, and Selena’s body was as warm and soft as always, but it didn’t feel like being cradled. It felt like goodbye.

  Chapter 32

  It was midafternoon when Cade arrived at her apartment. The air was cold, and a few flakes of dry snow flurried in the street outside her building. She dug her keys out of her laptop bag and climbed four flights. Her apartment was cold. The bed was made with gray sheets. She missed Selena’s Crown Royal bags and Selena’s warm curves pressed up against her.

  Sociopath sat at the window.

  “Still on my fire escape? The other ones aren’t good enough?”

  Cade approached the window.

  “You can’t curse me,” she said. “I feed you.”

  Sociopath hissed, I already did.

  Cade had grabbed a black coffee at the Starbucks down the street. She’d picked up some pods of creamer as well. She took out a bowl and poured half the cream in the bowl, half in her coffee. She put the bowl on the fire escape and watched Sociopath lap it up.

  She texted Selena. Made it safe. She considered adding a heart, typed it, deleted it, and added it again. What was she doing? Amy used six hearts every time she texted about quinoa.

  She hit send with the heart.

  Selena texted back instantly.

  : )

  Cade wanted to get I miss you. Come back. My life is empty without you. Of course, with Selena’s phone that would be a difficult message to decipher. But : )? She didn’t know someone could be crushed by two punctuation marks.

  Cade took the subway to Amy’s food truck. It was strange being back in New York. The city was still the city, but it didn’t feel like home without Selena.

  “Cade!” Amy exclaimed when she spotted her. She said something to the other workers, then left the truck, arms wide.

  Cade let Amy squeeze her.

  “Baby doll, what happened?” Amy asked. “A green smoothie, protein power pack extra,” she called to her coworkers.

  Cade’s regular.

  She held Cade at arm’s length.

  “Why are you back? Is everything all right?”

  “I was always supposed to come back today,” Cade said.

  “Yeah, but you were supposed to stay with Selena and sell sex toys and have amazing sex.” Amy’s round, red face paled with worry.

  “We lost the store,” Cade said. “They’ll take Ruth’s house too.”

  Amy hugged her again. This time, Cade sank into Amy’s hug, engulfed in the smell of warm saffron rice.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s not the store.” Cade didn’t cry on friends’ shoulders. She made wry comments like, That happened. Now she sniffled, just a bit. Amy went into maternal overdrive.

  “Tell me everything.”

  Amy’s coworker ran the smoothie out to Cade. It would have been better with whipped cream. Amy led Cade to a sheltered stoop a little way down the street. They sat on the steps, protected from the wind. Cade sipped her smoothie through its
biodegradable straw.

  “Talk to me,” Amy said.

  “I miss Selena.”

  A delivery truck rattled by. At the end of the street, a busker tried to squeak out a tune on a cold violin. A few blocks away, Times Square glittered with lights. Selena would love it, and Cade would have loved to show Selena the city.

  Cade wasn’t going to cry.

  “You didn’t break up, did you?” Amy asked.

  Cade took a deep breath.

  “I don’t think we were ever together.” She recounted their parting conversation. “She’s not that interested, not from three thousand miles away.”

  The man who believed the world was ending at midnight walked by, waving his placard, his beard wild.

  “If I wake up one night and it is the end of the world, I’ll be like, Damn. He told me,” Cade said, but she felt like her world had already ended.

  “But every night it doesn’t happen,” Amy said. “Surprise. We survived.”

  Cade wished she could fall asleep in her apartment and wake up in Selena’s arms.

  “Selena’s just waiting for enough time to call it off without making me feel bad.”

  “It looks like you feel bad.” Amy cupped Cade’s cheeks in her hands.

  “She probably didn’t want to just blow me off right away. Didn’t want me to think she was only with me for the store.” God, how many women had wanted her for what they thought she could do for them. That wasn’t Selena. It couldn’t be Selena. But that didn’t mean Selena wanted the hassle of a long-distance relationship, and obviously staying in Portland or inviting Selena to live with her in New York was too much too soon. “She could have anyone.”

  “And she wanted you.”

  “While I was there.” Cade sucked on her green protein smoothie. “I think I fell for her the minute I saw her. That eulogy. She cared so much, and it was so wrong. It was like her whole heart was right there, like she was just going to say what she felt. Go big or go home.”