‘Wait! You can’t leave it like that!’
I kept walking, then as soon as it was deep enough, I was swimming. I could suddenly hear loud splashing noises behind me. I turned around to see Anton marching into the sea in just his pants. I couldn’t believe it. I assumed he would just leave. What was there to say?
‘What are you doing?’ I shrieked out at him. He dived into the shallow water and appeared shimmering with droplets in front of me. He stood looking down at me.
‘Why are you walking away all the time?’ His subtle little Greek accent popped out a little more in his passion. ‘I thought you liked me?’
‘It doesn’t matter whether I like you or not. I’m here for a month! There’s only one thing that can happen in a month and I don’t need the complication!’ Although I could do with the human contact, I thought.
‘So, I’m just a complication? I tell you things, I share with you and I’m just a complication?’ His heavy brows pulled down over his eyes and he shook his head. With a hard exhale he turned and splashed his way through the sea with bounds and strides.
As I swam, I heard his van speed away. I stopped for a moment looking across at where it had been parked. The sea nudged at me, tormented me, prodding and poking. Was I foolish to let him leave? To not see where it could go? It was too late anyway. He had gone. I’d pushed him away. It was the smart choice. I hadn’t put “meet a gorgeous man” on my Corfu to-do list, so it wasn’t important. I repeated these thoughts to myself for the rest of the day. The whole time my chest felt tight and breathless. I needed a distraction, so, I sent Maria a message on Facebook and arranged for her to stay over the following night. It gave me something else to focus on.
I tried to do some work but I couldn’t concentrate on it. Still desperate for distraction, I hired a car so I could explore a little. The island was so beautiful, lush and green with olive trees and fruit trees clustered about all over. I decided to drive to the Byzantine castle, Angelokastro, the castle of Angels, the highest point on the Corfu shore. We had never been before. We had always said we would, but my grandparents were elderly, so it didn’t materialise. Mostly we enjoyed lazy beach days, good food and copious jugs of wine. It took me almost an hour of driving through the undulating terrain of green and gold. Seeing the odd village or hamlet, or even lonely home, gave my mind open space to ponder. Daydreaming about who resided within those building with no one else close for miles. How would it be to live in true solitude, not just the loneliness in my mind. It was all so tranquil. Other than the momentary horror of passing a tourist bus near a sharp drop.
I parked and paid, then started making my way up the many, many steps. Each one was a tapestry of stones, some shaded by more olive trees, some golden and cooking in the sun. It wasn’t long before I was fanning myself with my hands and huffing at the hot air. I came to rest most of the way up, next to a lizard on the white-grey stone to my back. I took a photo across the expanse of green. Trees and hills covering the earth with a rich, deep green when looked at on mass.
My heart sat in my stomach from the moment I had started my assent. I could see my grandparents in my mind’s eye, younger than when I lost them, Mama holding Papa’s arm and telling him to slow down and appreciate the view. He would want to march forward and look at the details of the place. As a teen I would trail behind them either laughing or rolling my eyes depending on my mood. Now, no matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t real and I’d give anything just to roll my eyes at them one last time. I swallowed hard and pushed my feet firmly into the grey to ground myself with every step.
There were parts of the castle that felt rather precarious. But it was worth clambering across prickly rocks in flip-flops. I sat at the top of a sheer drop, looking down on the shrubs and bushes managing to survive poking out of white rocks. Then, next to it was the view across the sea. Deep blues and turquoise as far as the eye could see. I sat ignoring passers-by and just watched the calm of sea, imagining a life that would never be lived, one with a family that wasn’t real, that was mine.
The sun was almost unbearable. I could feel my skin being tortured by it. Rebelling against my urge to move, I punished myself, and absorbed the rays with zeal. Luckily there was the odd slap of wind, which hit the sweat on my collarbone and forehead, making them momentarily cool.
What must he think of me? I couldn’t help but indulge myself in thinking about Anton. The problem was, my feelings for him were terrifying me. Not just anything physical, that was a bonus. I’d never spoken to anyone about my mother in any detail. Certainly not how I felt about it all, about her. Even with long-term boyfriends I had kept details to a minimum. Maybe his role as primary carer for a child left him more open and caring, ready to look after people? Or perhaps it was just him.
Talking about my mother had torn at a wound I always tried my best to ignore. Always aware of its presence in the hollows of my subconscious, secretly affecting all the decisions of my life. She was the reason I had waited until university to lose my virginity. I was terrified of getting pregnant so young or with the wrong person. Terrified I might turn into her and leave a helpless baby behind. I could never do that. When I eventually did take that step, I had been in a happy relationship for almost a year. Everyone I knew was having sex. I’d relaxed a lot since those days but I was still one for relationships. There couldn’t be a future with Anton, not so far from home. I had two homes back in England as it was. The one I had made for myself and one half a mile away that I’d grown up in and inherited. I couldn’t easily leave all of that on a whim.
My legs began to numb from sitting on the edge of the rock. I shifted but I didn’t get up. I took a bottle of suntan lotion out of my bag and added a little more to the high points of my face. As my hand glanced over my nose the smell of the SPF30 liquid pulled a little smile from my lips. Something about it was as comforting as the smell cinnamon-filled mulled wine at Christmas. It was ingrained in the magic of holidays and being around happiness and love.
I became aware of an American couple talking over me taking photos of my view. Then they just stood over my head talking about how frightening the drop looked. Before making my move, I scooped up a sharp little stone from the bleached dirt and dropped it over the edge. Watching it topple helplessly, bouncing over the shrubs and green, eventually it was lost out of my sight. Disappointing to me, as I wanted to see it dive to the depths of the water. The American’s gave a little gasp at my action. I got up before the heat killed me and to move away from their nattering above my flame-ridden skull.
I looked around some of the more interesting nooks and crannies of the fortress but even with its broken, almost accidental beauty, my mind wasn’t there with my body. It was lost looking in at itself. So, I made my way back towards the stairs. Creeping along past the stacks of stones and photo takers. I was almost at the point of decent when I caught my flip-flop on one of the ruins, making my foot shoot forwards, sharply slicing the tip of my toe on a rock. Blood started pouring out of my big toe.
‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’ I was pretty sure this time Anton wouldn’t appear to stop my tears and give me an oversized plaster. The warm liquid ran over my fingers as I desperately clutched my foot. A similar sensation hit my cheeks as tears fell across them. I had been ready to burst since the night before. Everything came crashing down on me. I did my best to keep it silent as I quickly hobbled towards the stairs leaving a trail that would’ve made Hansel and Gretel proud.
After twenty minutes of hobbling, I was back at the hire car, sat with by bum inside and my feet outside. I had a nice slice in the tip of my toe and I was beautifully covered in red-brown dried blood. I only had a small packet of tissues and some water to clean it all with. People along the way had offered help. I shied away, keeping my distance with strained smiles and watery eyes. It was times like this I would miss my grandparents scooping me up. But I didn’t. I missed Anton.
Chapter 5
There was no warning, no knock at the door. She just marched in with ouzo in one hand and limoncello in the other. In Greece, no one locks the doors and she knew I’d be no different.
‘Well, kalispera Maria.’
‘Kalispera!’
‘I hope you don’t mind.’ She had a giddy look about her and I could hear talking outside the door; Harry walked in hands neatly in the pockets of his shorts.
‘Kalispera, Melodie! This is Nico,’ Harry said and nodded towards a young man trailing behind him. He had shaggy brown hair, a slightly large nose and was very slim. He was attractive, with a cheeky half smile and pretty-boy puppy eyes. My hand pressed against my face as I forced a smile though my fingers. This was in no way the night I had intended or planned for. I could feel high levels of awkward moments on the horizon. At least I could always depend on alcohol to help me through.
‘Nice to meet you Nico.’ I smiled again but with my mouth, not my eyes and gave an awkward wave. To my side I could see Maria’s mischievous red lips displaying pride at her match-making. Her intention may have been sweet but it was totally absurd. He was at least five years my junior, maybe more. Not that that would matter other than he looked like it too, younger in fact. He was such a baby face. Plus there was the same problem as with Ant, where could it go? Nowhere.
‘How long are you on the island for?’ At least I could enjoy his beautiful Greek accent. He gave a little eyebrow movement and curled the corner of his mouth. My stomach did a flip, not in the way he would’ve liked I’m sure. More to create a burning acid sensation in the back of my throat.
‘Around three more weeks. Can I offer you some wine or we now have ouzo and limoncello? I also have soft drinks?’
We all sat down outside with glasses of wine. There was a small round table with four chairs on a grassy area between the house and the sand. Maria was still smiling and I was already feeling irritated at the whole thing. I wanted to just say goodnight and walk away. Instead, true to my British ways, I put out a bowl of crisps and made polite conversation. That lasted around twenty minutes or so.
‘Well, this just won’t do!’ Maria announced then jumped up and ran into the house. She came back clutching the bottle of ouzo and shot glasses. ‘Let’s play a game! Who has a game?’
‘Truth or shot?’ said Harry, with a half smirk as a cigarette hung out of the side of his mouth.
‘Aw just like old times, hey Melo?’ She wrinkled her button nose in my direction. ‘Okay, so the rules are you either tell the truth or take a shot if you don’t want to tell. Got it?’ We all nodded as she filled our glasses. ‘I’ll start, ask me anything!’ We all paused to think looking around blankly for inspiration, truth or shot holds more potency in high school or university when you might actually want to know silly details about each other. ‘Come on you lot!’ Her smile had shrunk and she pulled at her tight skirt, shuffling in her chair. ‘Anything! Come on! Please!’
‘Okay, okay, how about, why are you marrying Harry?’ I asked.
‘Well, that’s bloody easy. I love him. Always have. This game should be truth AND shot, it’d be more interesting with questions like that! Melo, your turn.’
‘Fine, ask away.’ There was the pause again.
‘Nico, don’t you have anything to ask?’ Maria was grinning at him and may as well have said “nudge-nudge, wink-wink”. I couldn’t look at him for fear of another come-on look. He muttered in Greek before going into English.
‘Sure, do you think I’m handsome?’ Brazen. I enjoyed that his ‘sure’ sounded like sore, it felt like a statement on the situation. I took the shot rather than stroke his ego, which just caused uproar and giggles while I looked to the sky wishing for the juxtaposition of Ant’s touch; soft and strong, gentle but full of power. Why was I enduring this? Stop. Lighten up, I told myself and mentally rejoined the group.
‘Your turn, Nico!’ Maria was almost giddy. She slid her hand across the table to squeeze Harry’s. If only she had known what I was really thinking.
‘I have a question.’ They turned to look at me, eyes wide. ‘How old are you?’ He looked me square in the eyes and drank his shot.
He kept looking at me as he spoke. ‘Harry, how often are you have sex with Maria?’ Maria nearly spat wine over him then started to cough. He was still looking at me with little creases in the corner of his eyes. Perhaps he found it as awkward as I did? Maria hadn’t taken her eyes off Harry who was calmly filling the breeze with the smell of smoking.
‘Now it depends. We don’t have set days or amounts. There’s no average but it last happened three days ago. Is that enough?’
Nico turned to look at Harry. ‘Yeah.’
‘Maybe we should play a different game?’ Maria suggested with a little urgency in her voice that made me want to laugh out loud.
‘I don’t know, I thought we were all starting to break the ice a little.’ I found myself smiling towards Nico.
‘Fine.’ She grabbed the packed off cigarettes off the table and placed one between her slim, perfectly painted lips. Harry pulled the lighter from his shorts and threw it at her.
‘Ask me anything,’ she said out of the corner of her mouth.
‘Is Harry the best you had?’ My head spun to look at Nico again, he was just toying with them now.
‘Of course,’ she said through a cloud of smoke. I was glad we were outside. ‘With questions like this I’ll never get my shot!’
Nico was looking at me, eyes following the lines of my floral dress. I picked up my wine, enjoying its earthy aroma and his attention. ‘When did you last have sex?’ He grabbed the cigarette packed from the table. Just me who no longer socially smoked apparently. I just kept sipping my wine then looked at the lipstick-stained glass and the red liquid swirling.
‘I honestly can’t remember. It was with my ex, well in advance of us actually breaking up. So, a couple of years, or more?’ They all sat in silence looking at me. I should have taken the shot. My cheeks start to burn. I picked up my shot glass and downed the contents even though I’d told the truth. ‘Been a pandemic you know. Why, when did you last have sex?’
‘Two weeks,’ he said in a matter-of-fact tone. I was being judged for my choices. I picked up the ouzo bottle and refilled my glass and took another shot.
‘Figures. So, Harry, do you feel awkward right now?’ I tugged at my dress and slapped my hands to my knees. He just took his shot. ‘Maria, how about you? Awkward?’ She took hers. ‘Great, well you got to take your shots anyway. Please excuse me, I’m just going to pop to the loo.’ The plastic legs of my chair caught on the grass as I pushed it with the backs of my knees making standing an embarrassing kerfuffle. I was then left with the challenge of trying not to look like I was storming off. My head felt a little cloudy from the mixture of wine, ouzo and annoyance.
I held the sink in the downstairs toilet and stared into the large square mirror. I spoke to my reflection like I was my only friend.
‘Calm down. Just enjoy yourself. Nothing matters. You have nothing to lose so nothing to worry about. No one to worry about.’ I liked how I looked that night at least. I always had time to spare, so wasted a fair amount on doing my make-up, something I usually couldn’t be overly bothered with. I touched just under the neon yellow eyeshadow that splayed out with a black, winged line below it. A bold mask, because why not? I looked down at my maxi dress, black with neon yellow flowers, more camouflage. I was starting to regret the effort. Maybe I was silly. I had no grounding. I used to talk to Mama when I felt lost. She would always give me sound advice. She was compassionate but tough. There was comfort in my own face as it reflected her so well. She had given me her high cheekbones, her big round eyes and even similar curved lips that curled up slightly at the edges. Our builds where quite different though. I always assumed my height was from my father’s side. Not that I could ever confirm that, only Mama and Papa were on the short side of avera
ge. I was staring at the mirror wishing the reflection to turn into Mama and say something useful when a knock made me jump.
‘Are you okay girl? I’m sorry if it’s all a bit much.’ I opened the door and leaned on the frame.
‘Mmm. I forgive you.’ She wrapped her arms around my waist.
‘I’m sorry, I thought making it like old times would be fun. I didn’t realise you’d turned into a nun.’ She squeezed me tighter.
‘What do you mean? I’m the same girl I’ve always been…give or take a large percentage of grief.’
‘No, you used to have fun with the boys.’ She wasn’t letting me go. I think she wanted to talk without looking me in my eyes.
‘What do you think I was getting up to? I have never had sex on this island I’ll have you know.’
‘Really?’
‘Truly, no shot required here.’
‘Okay, I’m sorry,’ she laughed and let me go. I started to walk away from her.
‘That doesn’t mean I was a nun.’ I turned to look at her, poking out my tongue and chuckled as I came out of the front door.
‘Right. Shots all round. That’s the bloody truth!’ No one disputed me, they all took their shots and the glasses were refilled. ‘New game! I have never.’ They all nodded and leaned in waiting for me to start. ‘I have never had sex on this island.’ They all drank and banged the glasses on the table when they were done. I pointed to Nico.
‘I have never had sex in England.’ The rest of us drank. I pointed to Harry.
‘I’ve never…’ he hesitated eyes darting, ‘I have never had sex in the sea!’ Nico drank. I pointed to Maria.
‘Never have I ever played this game before!’ We all drank, she was of course lying just to take another shot.
‘Right then, ice is officially smashed and everyone is a little more caught up.’ Can we all be adults again?’
‘I don’t think I can,’ Nico put his hand up like he was at school which made me realise I was yet to sit back down.
The Little Blue Door Page 5