The Little Blue Door

by Francesca Catlow

  ‘I don’t know if you realise,’ she began, ‘but it’s exactly thirty-one years ago today since I last saw you.’ My head shook slowly in a daze. I’d never known the exact date, only that I had been a matter of days old. ‘Well, it is. It’s not something I would ever forget. I was just now coming back from laying flowers behind the house when I heard your car, and came to see who was here. I always lay out flowers on your birthday and the last day I held you.’ She seemed so genuine. Pain in her voice, across the lines in her forehead. Baffled. I was baffled by her. I started to really look at her, beyond her similarities to Mama and I. I studied her drab clothes, a plain baggy, old looking t-shirt and baggy, equally old blue linen trousers. They were scuffed and dusty across the shins and knees. She looked rather dowdy to say the least.

  ‘What made you find me? How long have you been looking?’ Eyes sparkling amongst the gloom. Her weight shifted in my direction.

  ‘It was just chance. I don’t think it should be my job to chase you.’ My tone was unintentionally harsh but it was possibly the coldest thing in Corfu. Her lips pulled tightly together and I recognised the face of shame, it mimicked that of my papa if he were in trouble with Mama. A thin line not to be crossed; clearly, she didn’t like being called out either. She did start nodding though.

  ‘Yes, that’s fair enough. How did you come across me then?’

  ‘I’ve been spending time with a man, here in Corfu…his daughter felt like she knew my face; turns out it was your face. She used to help you with your fruit trees before she moved, apparently.’

  ‘Gaia? I knew she had moved away. Wow, I saw her father once when he picked her up, he is huge!’

  I couldn’t help but release a small laugh. ‘He is, yeah, but he is a bit of a gentle giant.’

  ‘I’m sure he would be very lucky to have you,’ she said, and my smile mixed with a frown; how would she know? ‘How are my mum and dad? I think about them all the time.’

  ‘They’re, they’re dead. They both died recently, during the main wave of the pandemic, Grandmama first then Grandpapa soon after, I think of grief.’ There was no other way than to just come out with it. To me I was telling a stranger; to her, they were still her parents. She was quiet but she swallowed hard, almost audibly. She rubbed her fingers around her throat.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘I’m sorry to say it.’

  ‘Please, tell me about your life, about who you are.’ There wasn’t anything much to tell, not in my opinion, and I felt increasingly awkward pretending to be normal with her. I hoped that if I gave her a little of what she wanted, perhaps she would do the same for me.

  ‘Well, I work in social media, helping people developed their platforms.’ I just found myself stuttering, lost for interesting words. My mind left as empty as her living room.

  ‘Do you enjoy your work? Does it make you happy?’

  ‘I guess so. I’m pretty good at it. I advise people on what to post on socials and when, plus I make some people’s content sometimes. But mostly I boost people’s posts and such. It’s boring to most people I’m sure, but I like the analytics of it all. Assessing people’s behaviour and trends.’ I was assessing her behaviour as best I could. I was better with the online mathematics of human behaviour; I wasn’t so used to the face-to-face emotions of it all anymore.

  ‘I’m sorry but I think I need to leave.’ I stood up and turned to go, desperate to vacate the steam room she called a home.

  ‘You’ll come back, won’t you?’ Her voice was pleading as she clopped along in her crocks.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Please. I want to know you. Please don’t judge what you can’t understand.’

  ‘You’re not letting me try to understand! This is all a little too much, pretending to be normal. I need to leave.’ So, I did. I got into the car and left. I drove straight back to Anton’s house and found myself banging on his door, not knocking.

  ‘Woah!’ The door swung open and I charged in sitting down on his sofa.

  ‘Well, that was pointless wasn’t it?!’

  ‘Calm down Melodie-Mou. Tell me what happened?’ He sat me down and held both of my hands. I wasn’t sure if it was to calm me or to make sure I didn’t hit anything beyond his front door.

  ‘She was talking nonsense. Utter rubbish!’ Gaia was peering down the stairs. ‘Sorry Gaia. Sorry.’ Her mouth was open and she was clinging onto the railing.

  She came creeping down.

  ‘It didn’t go well?’

  ‘No. I didn’t gain any answers. She seemed bloody deranged to me. Saying she didn’t leave me. Well then where was she? Urgh!’ My hands pressed my face, pulled through my hair, gripped my knees. I wanted to start hitting inanimate objects again but I knew it wouldn’t help and I’d just be embarrassing myself if I did. Gaia was frowning, creating a small indent between her neat little brows. ‘What is it, Gaia?’

  ‘I’m surprised. She was just always so nice. Sorry.’

  ‘What did she mean, she didn’t leave you?’ Anton piped in.

  ‘God alone knows. I most certainly don’t. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. I guess that’s a positive. But I needed to leave, I couldn’t relax feeling like I was being lied to.’ I pressed my face into my hands and kept them there.

  ‘Do you think you’ll go back? And see her again?’ Anton said. He was frowning too, matching Gaia’s little indent with his own. They looked like beautifully sculpted bookends.

  ‘I don’t know. I need to clear my mind of it all. I’m really sorry to just turn up banging on the door. But I only have you two to talk to about it all. I haven’t told anyone else.’

  ‘It’s alright, it must be very difficult. I can’t begin to imagine.’ He peeled a hand from my face and began to rub between my fingers. ‘We were just about to make gyros, let’s sit down, the three of us, to take your mind off of it.’

  ‘Sounds good.’ I managed a smile, for him. Gaia got us all freshly squeezed juice from the orange trees in their garden while Anton finished putting together the gyros in the kitchen. It felt like a lifetime since I was so well looked after.

  When the house was overflowing with the tempting smells of cooking meat, sweet onions and peppers, we all sat down together. More and more it was like I was stepping into their family. It was comfortable. Too comfortable. Too easy. How could I feel like this with perfect strangers and I couldn’t sit down and talk to my biological mother? The day was draining the life from my bones.

  ‘Tell us more about meeting your mother, what she said to you. You said she was happy? She always seemed very kind and quiet.’ Gaia was a typical young teen in many ways: confident, inquisitive and vibrant. I wondered what her mum was like and what she would have said about me.

  ‘She was happy, I think. But she was completely closed in. She just didn’t want to have a real conversation. Or at least not about the past.’

  ‘But you’ll go back?’ She placed her drink down on its coaster, the noise of glass on glass clanging together made me flinch.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I think you should.’

  ‘Gaia!’ Anton narrowed his eyes at her, and gripped his fork. She may have been overstepping, pushing me perhaps, but I was interested in her opinion and I couldn’t feel annoyed at her interest. The poor girl’s eyes darted between us, torn between saying what she wanted and the potential scalding that may come as a result. I pulled at the hem of my kaftan and gave her a nod to continue.

  ‘Well, okay, I know it’s different…my mum died and yours left, but if I could, I would see my mum. I’d do anything to know her, to ask questions. Even silly things, I don’t know. Maybe her first boyfriend, if she was the same as me with her opinions. I’d want to know if we could be friends or if we are like each other. It’s so sad your mother ran away but maybe you will get to learn why. If you take time?
’ Her lips pulled tight, into a wide smile, eyes still darting like a squirrel from Anton to me. Poor girl.

  ‘Okay,’ I said and placed my knife and fork down and leant my chin on my fist. I knew considering her words was an important step, I wanted her to know I valued her opinion.

  ‘I think that’s a good point,’ I said, ‘Maybe I am being too negative about it all. It’s just hard not to be. I just miss being able to ask my grandmama and grandpapa about what I should do. They’re my real parents, to me. Are you close with your grandparents?’

  ‘Yes. We had been visiting England ones when we met you. We see them as much as we can and talk each week. I’m also very close with my Greek ones. They’re quite near to your mum. I see them all the time.’

  ‘That’s lovely.’

  ‘They’re very kind people,’ Anton interjected, ‘they’ve helped a lot over the years.’ Smiling on the outside, internally their presence made me nervous. I couldn’t help but analyse every possible hurdle we might have to consider. How would they feel about Gaia having a step-mother if we did continue down this path?

  ‘You’re very lucky to have such a loving family around you.’

  ‘I am, and if your mum could be someone for you, why let the past hold you back?’

  Anton’s eyes snapped back up from his lunch with wide eyes again. I did my best to keep up my serene expression.

  ‘You’re painfully right again, Gaia,’ I said with a curl of my mouth and a little puff of a laugh. She looked very pleased, her big green eyes shining with pride. Anton was smiling in my direction too, I think maybe he looked impressed, or pleased that I didn’t dismiss her. The decision had been made for me by a wise old teenage girl. It was somewhat nice not to use my brain power to figure it out myself.

  ‘Now that’s decided, is it okay if we change the subject? I like your top Gaia. Where did you get it from?’ It was a pale pink sleeveless shirt which tied up at the front. Her hair was loose around her shoulders that day. Stunning didn’t really cut it. She was looking down pulling at it smiling and chewing.

  ‘Efcharistó! I got it when we were England. My granny took me online shopping.’ She laughed and wrinkled her lightly freckled nose. I understood of course. ‘They got me lots of cool things. Would you like to see?’ My eyebrows went up and I hesitated. I was taken back by how receptive Gaia was to me. I looked over at Anton who was clearing away the little square lunch plates.

  ‘You girls go have fun,’ he said and didn’t even look up. Half his mouth curled up as he offered a last glance in our direction before striding back towards the kitchen.

  Clearly pink was a favourite. Her walls were a soft pastel pink that she had paired with light moss green furnishings. For a thirteen-year-old, her taste was exceptionally grownup and elegant. I picked up a small iridescent vase, rolled its smooth surface around my fingers, just to carefully put it down again and move on to looking at the next well-placed object. I was quite envious and in awe of how beautifully put together it was.

  ‘Did you choose your own decor?’

  ‘Yep. Dad says I’ve got my mum’s style. But he is pretty good too. He says he knows because of her.’

  ‘Well, you’re both better than me. My place isn’t exactly…interesting. It’s quite plain really.’ My mind started to wander to Anton’s bedroom, imagining what it might be like. Gaia had sat on a fluffy, green stool in front of a dressing table. She wasn’t saying anything but she was shifting her weight and she hadn’t got anything out to show me.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I sat down on the edge of the bed opposite her.

  ‘Can we talk?’

  ‘Of course!’ My pulse went up, anticipating that so far everything had been an act and now she would tell me to leave her and Anton alone. I inhaled deeply to settle my mind. The sweet scents of jasmine and fresh linens comforted my fearful heart.

  ‘Can you not tell my dad?’ Then it became a test. One of trust and loyalty. Perhaps one to test my viability in the household. My stomach tightened with a new knot. My fingers closed around a soft synthetic throw as I began to nod.

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘Of course.’ I agreed because I had to, not because I wanted to.

  ‘I’ve been dating this boy, Finn. My dad doesn’t like him, but he doesn’t like any boys for me.’

  ‘Okay.’ I wasn’t surprised. Having a thirteen-year-old daughter that looked like Gaia and no mother for guidance must have been terribly difficult. She was already starting to shed the androgynous body of childhood. Coupling that with her bright eyes and the endearing look of a woodland creature was a marriage made in hell for a parent of a teen.

  ‘He just turned fifteen but I’ll be fourteen in a month so the gap seems bigger. I know with Dad that will not help. My question is, how do I know he is real with me? You and Dad haven’t known each other long, how do you know he likes you? For you, and not…’ she paused here, for longer than I would have liked, ‘anything else?’

  My mouth hung open for a split second considering how on earth I could go on to say something meaningful. I wasn’t qualified to say anything meaningful. Honoured to be asked, terrified at getting the answer wrong.

  ‘Well…’ I followed this with a cliche throat clear. ‘It might sound a little obvious, but I think the first point is to never feel pressured. With anything, not just…physical stuff, but pressured to change who you are in anyway. A good person will always embrace who you are. Does that make sense?’ My palms were sweating, I could feel the moisture on my knees as I rested my hands on them.

  ‘Yeah.’ Her hands tucked under her legs, watching her knees more than looking at me. ‘Why do you like Dad?’ I had not been well enough prepared for the day. I held my breath before I began.

  ‘He seems to me, to be a good man. I like that he looks after you, and seems to put you first. I guess with my parent issues, that’s something I respect. He makes me feel looked after too. He has made me laugh, mostly by being a bit of a giggler, I’m not imagining that am I?’ She shook her head and laughed. ‘Not to mention he is rather easy on the eyes.’ I pulled my shoulders into a little shrug, desperate not to blush or show my nerves.

  ‘He deserves to be happy,’ she said. ‘He has seemed happy. Not that normally he is sad or anything! He has just been making more silly jokes – giggling! You make him happy.’ Gaia didn’t look at me with this comment, instead she spun around to look into her mirror. She started brushing imaginary knots from her silky hair and I gained a knot in my stomach. There was no way I could tell her if I was intending to be permanent fixture or not. Perhaps I was wrong, but to me, that’s what she really wanted to feel out. Would I be staying? She was testing me out as a potential mother figure in her life. It had been just over two weeks. My heart was squeezing tightly in my chest. This felt worse than seeing my crazy mother.

  ‘He makes me happy too. I know this isn’t exactly how he would have had things. Bringing you into our relationship when we don’t even know where it’s going…’

  ‘I think it’s a good thing,’ she said. ‘He treats me like a child much too much. Telling me who I can and can’t see.’ She placed her brush down and looked at me through the reflection. ‘At least I had spoken to you before I knew his interest in you. I thought you seemed nice then. You got me a milkshake even though I was being a pest.’ Her broad smile lit up the oval in front of me. It would be impossible not to smile back at her, she was too much like Anton. With his fiercely dark brown hair, framing her delicate rosy cheek.

  ‘Please don’t tell my dad about any of this. He really doesn’t like Finn…’

  ‘Okay, well then, it’s only fair that it’s my turn to ask questions. Why do you like Finn, and what makes you ask me for my advice?’ She slowly turned to face me again, eyes hidden under her thick black lashes. She balanced her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands.

  ‘Finn is cute. But he is
also smart. We both like watching old sci-fi films too. I go to his and we watch films together. My dad would flip out if he knew we were in his room. My dad says he trusts me; I know he would get mad. Finn broke up with me for a little time, and he told me it was because he was frightened of Dad.’

  ‘Your dad wouldn’t really do anything though, would he?’

  ‘No, no, no, but his size makes him…you know?’

  ‘Intimidating?’

  ‘Yes! Plus, when he wants to, he gets loud. It’s the Greek in him, sounding like he is in an argument even when he isn’t.’ She contorted her face into a wide grimace, then let out a little giggle. ‘Don’t get me wrong, we Greeks are all the same really.’

  ‘I can understand why it might put off some boys. But, if they like you, and they have good intentions, I don’t think it’ll prevent the right boy.’

  ‘I think you are right… I had best show you some things Granny got me, otherwise I feel like I’ve lied to Dad.’ As she rummaged through one of the drawers in her cupboard, I thought how impressed I was. She didn’t want to be lying to him even if she wanted to keep her private life private. There were times she must have missed having a woman to talk to. I was lucky to have had Mama. Maybe if I saw Liliana again, I could find out who my father was, and maybe get to know him too.

  Gaia began to show me an array of clothes, accessories and make-up. She seemed to relish in showing me what her British grandparents had treated her to. We were in deep conversation about shopping in Corfu town, when Anton knocked at the door and entered simultaneously.

  ‘Kalispera you two!’ The poor man even had to duck through every door way in his own home. No wonder the downstairs was all open plan, it must have been tiring to continuously remember to dodge your own walls.