The Little Blue Door

by Francesca Catlow

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked raising a brow.

  ‘Don’t ask.’ If I didn’t want to talk to Anton, I certainly didn’t want to talk to him. I drank my ouzo in one again so he could fill me up and hopefully leave me alone.

  ‘It is too late. I ask already.’

  ‘If you carry on, I’ll go pay for my alcohol somewhere else.’ He laughed and left me alone. He left the bottle on a white plastic table that sat between two sun loungers. Perhaps I should’ve given him a little more credit. He was helping me get drunk at least. The bar was empty. Maybe it was late? I had no idea. He was cleaning glasses when I decided to leave and do the polite thing and say goodbye.

  ‘Nice to see you again Nico, thanks for the booze!’ I gave a strange, drunken salute and started to walk away. With one hop he was over the bar and catching up with me.

  ‘Wait, wait! Come on, you must sit with and have one drink with me!’ He threw the tea towel across his shoulder and pouted under the shadow of his nose. I shrugged; my resolve was very low.

  I pulled out one of the heavy chairs, scraping, screeching it along the floor. In doing so we both recoiled and shivered. I sat down while he got the drinks. Everything was starting to sway with more vigour, or perhaps I was. He walked around with two beautiful, tall cocktail glasses. Both filled with orange liquid, straws, and plastic stirrers of flamingos and ladies.

  ‘Sexy Greek?’ I asked.

  ‘Aww, thank you for noticing.’ He had the potential to make my eyes hurt from my frequent rolling. ‘I thought the juice might be good for you.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I held the glass tightly; it was my fragile anchor.

  ‘You talk to me. I am a person.’ His tone was soft, which was confusing more than anything. I did enjoy his Greek accent though, I found it comforting.

  ‘A sarcastic, arrogant person.’ I snorted.

  ‘Who gets you drinks. We could be a good matz.’ He shrugged.

  ‘Matz? Oh, you meant match.’ I smiled and circled my flamingo in my drink.

  ‘Yes, that’s what I said, matz.’ To be fair to him, he was being nice enough. I felt bad for being so rude even through my drunken haze.

  ‘I like your accent, it’s the best part of you,’ I laughed. ‘Well, as you so desperately want to know what’s in my head, it turns out my mother lives here on the island. I went to meet her. She was abducted by my father when I was a baby. She was only sixteen and my grandparents thought she had run away, so they didn’t look too hard for her. Plus, they had me to deal with. My father, he used to beat her and rape her. She just had a horrible life, horrible, just horrible. I came here to get drunk to feel closer to my grandparents, who raised me. I’m just bloody lost, okay?’

  ‘Fuck. Okay. Yes. Super difficult one,’ he stuttered. ‘I see why you want drink.’ He took a cigarette out of its packet and passed me the rest. I didn’t take one but I was depressed enough to be tempted.

  ‘Yeah, well, now you know, huh? Lucky old you.’

  ‘I always feel lucky to look at you Melo.’ He was trying to make my eyes hurt again.

  ‘I’m going now. I’m drunk enough. I might be able to sleep now without my brain hurting from being overly loaded.’

  ‘Overloaded,’ he smirked, sitting up tall in his chair and dusting off his shoulder.

  ‘That’s what I said! And hey! I don’t correct all the stuff you say wrong!’

  ‘No, just some. I use three languages, you?’ I gave a pathetic shrug and slumped back in my chair.

  ‘Hmm, it’s my fault you’re drunk, I’ll get you home.’ I nodded. I really was very drunk. ‘Do you have a car? I drive a motorcycle.’

  ‘Bloody typical,’ I huffed. ‘Yes I do. I have a hirer car.’ He was laughing at me.

  ‘What do you think you are laughing at? Mr? Huh?’

  ‘You, you drunk.’

  ‘It’s you are drunk,’ I said, pointing.

  ‘No. You are a drunk.’

  *

  I woke up by rolling into a hard lump on my bed. The lump groaned at me making every muscle in my body tense. I stayed still, waiting breathlessly to unravel what was going on.

  ‘Kalimera,’ groaned Nico.

  ‘What the hell are you doing in my bed?’ I still didn’t make a move and my voice sounded like a hoarse robot.

  ‘Aww, I’m sad you don’t know!’ He rolled over to face me with a big grin on his stupid baby face.

  ‘Nico, what the bloody hell happened?’ My voice was low and aggressive. I was ready to strike.

  ‘Nothing fool. You fell asleep in the car and you didn’t wake, so, I carried you up. I took off your stupid shoes. I only stay to keep an eye on you. I was worrying.’

  ‘Oh. Thank you. Sorry, I just don’t remember.’ It was his turn to roll his eyes at me apparently. He got up and went to the bathroom. I hid my face under the sheet. The only thing I could remember after being in the bar were nightmares. A restless night with the things I had heard and the brother I had gained and lost. I held my face tightly with both hands wishing I could forget.

  My phone was ringing, I eventually found it on the floor and answered, my head pounding from reaching towards the floor. It was Anton, his voice had a sing-song tone and he wanted to know when he would see me, how it all went, did I know anything new? I didn’t want to say anything on the phone, I kept it short and neat, I would be there in an hour or two. By the time I hung up, my stomach felt like someone was whisking it with last night’s ouzo. Nico walked back into the room in just his pants. It wasn’t the same as looking at Anton that was for sure. His lean muscular legs strutted confidently into the room then he stood at my feet with his arms folded.

  ‘I need a lift,’ he said.

  ‘Shit. Fine. Give me a minute.’ I showered and got ready in record time just to make sure I could eat something, anything, before leaving the house. I had thrown on some clothes; black shorts, black crop top with a black crochet dress over. I looked like I was in mourning, I felt like it too.

  Luckily, my head was feeling a lot better by the time I eventually pulled up at Anton’s. I stepped in to a brief kiss, then I noticed Gaia hovering near the sofa.

  ‘Kali, Melodie.’ She gave a slightly awkward wave.

  ‘Dad said you were seeing your mum yesterday. How’s it going now?’

  I had no desire to tell anyone the things in my head, what I had found. But without Gaia I wouldn’t have known a thing. She deserved to know at least part of the story. I sat down and they both followed suit. I told them the very basics. No details. Looking at them as I spoke, I wondered if I had looked more or less stunned. They didn’t interject all that much. Anton mostly scratched his stubbled chin and Gaia had tucked herself into the corner off the sofa, knees pulled tightly into her chest. I didn’t hesitate; if I had, I would never have said a word. Halfway through Ant got up and sat beside me, taking one of my hands in both of his.

  ‘What she has been through… I couldn’t tell you it all, it’s too horrific, but, the one thing in it all, is that she loved me. She didn’t leave me.’ I creased my eyes in an attempt to smile. Of course I was pleased she hadn’t chosen to abandon me; only, the circumstances made me want to tear the world to shreds and set light to what was left.

  Gaia started to talk then paused, still considering her words. ‘If your father died, why didn’t she find you?’ True to form, her inquisitive nature came first. She untucked herself, stretching her long slim legs and placing her feet firmly into the ground.

  ‘I asked the same thing. Lack of confidence, lack of funds. But mostly the first one. He told her that we wouldn’t want her and would never forgive her.’ Gaia was nodding and biting her lip, I don’t think she really understood, in reality none of us could.

  ‘She wasn’t much older than you when she was taken, only a couple of years.’

  ‘Wow, I’m so sorry for her,
for you. I think I should leave you two. I’ll go see if my friends are about.’ Gaia and Anton then continued the conversation in Greek, he got up and gave her some money. She ran upstairs, two by two, and came down with her backpack. ‘I’m glad for you, that she didn’t leave you Melodie. Like my mum, it wasn’t her choice.’ And with that she left. I desperately wanted to change the subject and take the emotional limelight off me.

  ‘What actually happened with Gaia’s mother? You said she was there when she died?’ He nodded towards the door.

  ‘Mmm. She is very brave. Her mother collapsed; they think she died instantly. Gaia stayed with her, holding her hand until I got home that night. I had been working on a property. She was only three. We speak of Katerina a lot but rarely of the day she died. It was hard to get her to leave her mother when they needed to take her body. She didn’t understand.’ I tucked myself almost under him and wrapped my arms around his chest, his arms covered me, I was back in the safety of my big cosy blanket. I wished I hadn’t asked for another sad story. I scanned around his house at the stark difference between his and my mother’s. You could fit her whole house into his living room.

  ‘That poor girl.’ We sat in silence for a while just holding each other, propping each other up.

  ‘What do you want to do today?’ he asked, looking down at me and then kissed the top of my head.

  ‘I need distraction, yesterday was much too real. The things that poor woman had been through. He fractured her cheek bone once and made her lie to the police and the hospital, making her say she was mugged.’

  ‘That’s dreadful.’ His tone was cold with only a hint of anger to it but his eyes were full of fire. His reaction drew me even closer to him. I felt bad for not telling him before Nico. It wasn’t as though I’d intended to see him, or tell him anything. When I needed support, Anton had been consistently there for me. I looked up at him and brushed my thumb lightly across his bottom lip and across his stubbled cheek. Even though there was no denying his good looks, that’s not what drew me to him. It’s not what made me ache. It was every fibre of his being. The words he said with just his vibrant eyes, the way his hands touched my skin. His fits of giggles and the way he looked at me. As though he would do anything for me. I felt alive with him no matter what we were doing. As though my blood had been replaced with electricity and I couldn’t fight it. With each interaction my feelings for him were being pulled deeper. I was afraid if we did take it to the next level, I’d never be able to leave. But how could this possibly be my reality? It didn’t feel real. But he was real, the feel of his flesh under my fingertips was real. I ran them over his long clavicle in amongst his lightly hairy chest. My mother’s advice ran through my mind: ‘Do what makes you happy while you can.’ I sat up and put my leg across his lap to face him. He was a picture of surprise, which made me laugh out loud. I felt so small in his embrace and nuzzled my face into his neck. Slowly he rubbed his hands along my spine and caught one of his fingers in my crochet dress.

  ‘I think there’s a hole in your dress,’ he whispered into my ear followed by a deep laugh that I felt through my thighs.

  ‘What,’ I whispered with mock surprised, ‘you must have broken it!’ I jokingly pulled a sad face and so did he.

  ‘You’d best take it off if it’s broken.’ The corners of his mouth curled up into a smile as he carefully lifted the dress over my head. My desire to hold him and never let go outweighed anything else in my mind. He lifted me to my feet with ease so I was standing in front of him. He lightly kissed my stomach, his thick eyelashes and brows tickling me. He stood up, took my hand and led me upstairs.

  The only noise was the creaking of the wooden steps, and possibly my heart beating outside of my chest. I followed him into the large master bedroom. I can’t remember what I imagined it to be, either way it wasn’t what I thought. It was simply decorated with navy blue walls, white furniture and crisp virgin, white sheets.

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m consumed by you,’ he said, as he sat down on the end of the bed, creasing all of the perfectly laid sheets. He was still holding my hand and brought it to his lips. ‘I want you. Not just now. I want you. I think you know.’ He was studying my face as he spoke. I did know. But I didn’t know if I should admit it out loud. After everything I’d been through, everything the world had been through, I decided it was time to just forget. Time to live in the here and now of each moment. There was no past, no future, only him. Nothing else was guaranteed, nothing else was real. I held his face and kissed his bottom lip.

  ‘Don’t hurt me,’ he whispered with a smile. He tried to make it playful but we both knew it was honest. The idea rang in my ears and sounded absurd. How could I hurt this sizeable man? Of course, I knew what he’d meant and I knew I could. I was equally likely to get hurt here and I didn’t care anymore. I had no power left for caring. My only requirement was him. I nuzzled his masculine scent, hard to describe, fresh but deep, intense. I carefully shuffled his top over his head.

  ‘I wouldn’t want to hurt you,’ I said playfully, then lightly bit his bicep and glanced up at him. He laughed but looked a little surprised. I gently kissed the area and lightly teased his skin with my tongue as I eased up and kissed him. Like a vice, his hands became firm on the base of my back and hips, pulling me on top of him. He kissed me like we had been given a death sentence and these were our last moments. His hand was in my hair at the nape of my neck, and he very gently pulled to kiss my neck.

  ‘Getting your own back, are you?’ I laughed but if he had wanted to, he could crush me in an instant.

  ‘Maybe,’ he replied, but released his hold to sit me up and remove my top. Even though I was full of fresh pulses of nerves and excitement throbbing over my skin, I’d never felt so confident with a man. He sat up too and held me in his arms with his head held between my breasts. I could almost hear him thinking, I didn’t dare ask, I knew he was debating how far this should go and if we were right to invest in each other. I held his mind in my arms. I couldn’t bare the volume of his silence and the comfort of his hold. My life had imploded enough. I started to gently move my hips to rouse his mind back into the moment. He was brought to my attention in an instant and there was no hiding it.

  ‘How long has it been?’ I breathed into his ear. He made a growling hum noise that resonated in his chest.

  ‘Too long.’ He laughed off my question.

  ‘Seriously.’ I continued to motion back and forth gently.

  ‘I broke it off with my last girlfriend before moving here, so, then.’ His shoulders lifted shyly and fell with a small jolt. I took his face in my hands scratching at his coarse stubble. I teased his mouth with my tongue and gently pushed him down between the pillows. I found my way down his long torso, studying him as I went. From the hairs on his chest to his clear-cut tan line just at his hip. I held him in my hands and watched him with each movement. Taking a man of his size and turning him into a quivering mess was, of course very satisfying. But when you want to take care of them, hold them, make them feel the way you feel for them, it creates an intensity I’d never felt. I wanted him to be lost before I found him again, before I brought him back from the brink, with only a practical pause for contraception before I took him. I slid myself down the length of his body and we both shuddered in mutual delight. I took my time as we entangled ourselves into one delectable creation. After all of our lust and connection it wasn’t long before we couldn’t take a second more and together our flesh exploded in sweat and rapture.

  It’s funny, I hadn’t expected any of it to happen when or how it happened. Not after the day before. But somehow the emotional upheaval had just pushed me into his arms even harder. I realised how much I needed to hold his flesh in my hands and to hide in our extraordinary connection. We were lying next to each other holding hands.

  ‘I’m starving,’ I said eventually, and turned to face him. His hair was all ruffled, wh
ich looked even sexier than his normal, styled, look. His bed bounced as he giggled.

  ‘I wasn’t enough for you?’ He gave an expression of faux upset, laughed harder and got out of bed. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘To stay here and look at you.’ I wiggled down into the sheets so I was just peeping over the top of them.

  ‘Sorry Mou, that’s not on the menu.’ He left the room to my immense disappointment. I must ask what this Mou nonsense is about, floated through my mind. My eyelids were feeling heavy. It had been worse than I thought. I had fallen completely. Nothing could have prepared me for the intimacy we had shared, a level no words could truly describe. I had loved men before of course, but this felt so different. Like we already knew each other, had done for years and not weeks. I could no longer hold my eyes open and I peacefully fell asleep in our newly dirtied white sheets.

  ‘Ta-da!’ He burst through the door startling me from my nap, then he was cursing in Greek, as far as I understood.

  ‘Did I wake you?’ I took one look at him and burst out laughing. He was wearing a tiny makeshift apron around his waist, only just covering his manhood. He held a tray in one hand, perfectly posed.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I was curled up with laughter.

  ‘I was being your man-slave again, I’m so sorry to wake you…’ He cringed and crept in.

  ‘No, you’re perfect, come here.’ He had made a Greek salad with lots of feta and olives, my favourite.

  ‘Why are we eating this up here when there’s a perfectly good table downstairs?’ I asked with a point of my fork.

  ‘I didn’t want you to feel as though you had to put your clothes back on. If we went downstairs you might have considered them.’ His full lips curved into a wide smile, eyes brighter than ever. It was funny, the beautiful tension and anticipation between us was still running high. Now we both knew what we could expect, there was only desire to repeat the excursion. It gave me pangs of guilt; I couldn’t know if this could go anywhere or not. I couldn’t even let myself think about Gaia. It was hard not to establish myself in their life while trying to explore the relationship.