by Fanny Finch
He had been right in all of the things that he had said, as well. The duke was not the sort of man to get angry lightly, but once he had, she had understood why.
Bringing up the rumor that she had heard about Miss Hennings was cruel. Of course she knew that. But Miss Hennings had been cruel to her and so she had thought that it would be seen as a clever hit. Quid pro quo, so to speak.
Instead, Lord Reginald saw it as her descending to their level.
And he was right, of course. In striving to impress him she had lost her way and dashed herself upon the rocks. She wasn’t sure that she would ever forgive herself for this.
Almost more important that her self-assessment was the duke’s opinion of her. Would he ever forgive her?
He didn’t seem likely to. The fire in his eyes and the stony sternness in his voice—it had made him look almost more than human. It had been a bit terrifying. This was a man, she realized, with a temper. All of his grumblings were nothing compared to this.
Her pain and that sick, awful feeling in her stomach were accompanied by a fair bit of shock as well.
She’d had no idea that he thought of her so highly. Well, up until now, at any rate. He had praised her quite highly and didn’t even seem to realize it.
To see that she had once been someone that he respected, someone in whom he had faith…once it would have given her the greatest joy. Why, even that morning she would have been walking on air to hear him say all the things that he did.
But now it was nothing more than salt in the wound. He had once thought of her that way. He had once held her in high esteem.
Now, it was the opposite. He must despise her.
Oh, he had not said as much, not outright. But it was plain in his manner. His anger at her was like a touch that she could feel against her skin. It burned inside of her stomach and pricked at her eyes.
Perhaps she should move in with Father? Remove herself from the duke’s house?
Surely he would not wish to see her again. Not after that. Not after what she had done.
She had not thought that there could be anything worse in the world than loving a man and knowing he did not love her in return.
Now she knew that there was indeed something worse, and that was when the man that you loved did not even want to be in the same room as you.
Maria realized that she was still standing in the dining area. Only now she was quite alone.
Nobody was looking for her. Most likely nobody noticed that she was missing. All of that barbed wit at dinner and for what?
For the duke to hate her and for the people who had been so entertained by her to forget her the moment she was out of their sight.
She could hear people laughing and conversing. She could hear the music starting up for the first dance. There was the sound of carriage wheels rolling over the cobblestones and horses neighing as more guests arrived.
Maria swallowed down the lump in her throat. She would not let herself cry. Not here. But it hurt to know that she would never belong.
She was stuck. Either she was herself, and nobody cared for her and they made fun of her. Or she tried to be like them, and she alienated the man she loved and respected, and was forgotten easily by everyone else.
Perhaps this was a sign. Perhaps she would never find a husband or make friends. It could be that she was doomed to a life of misery once Father was gone.
For the first time since leaving her home and coming to England, she felt truly and utterly alone.
“Oh, my poor dear.”
The moment she heard Georgiana’s voice, Maria lost all composure. To her horror and shame, she began to cry.
Georgiana pulled her into a hug. “There, there, just cry it all out. Nobody shall be in here. You can cry to your heart’s content.”
“I do not deserve to be so upset,” Maria protested, even as she continued to stain the shoulder of Georgiana’s dress with tears. “I have no right. I deserved to be spoken to like that. I was awful.”
“You made a mistake, my dear. Such a good heart as yours does not deserve to be spoken to like that. Especially when it is your first offense.”
“You are being too generous with me.”
“No, my brother is being too harsh. I shall speak to him about that.”
“Oh, please do not!” Maria said, pulling back so that she might look into Georgiana’s face. “Georgiana, you mustn’t. I was truly awful at dinner.”
“I did wonder about that.” Georgiana raised an eyebrow. “Why did you behave as you did, Maria? It is not at all like you.”
Maria sniffled. She felt like she was five years old again and had been caught by Mother trying to sneak cookies from the kitchen.
“I realized that I was expected to be witty if I was to be a duke’s wife,” Maria admitted.
Off of Georgiana’s amused look, she added, “I know, I know. It was foolish of me.
“But I thought that I might stand a chance if I could prove to Lord Reginald—and to everyone—that I could hold my own. That if someone were to attack me that I could respond.
“After all, as a duke’s wife, I must be sociable. There are certain expectations that must be met. And of course there will be those who are envious or who seek to improve themselves by taking me down.
“I had to be prepared for that. And I would have to handle it all with wit and ease. If I continued to simply endure it as I did, what sort of socialite would I be? Everyone could see how I was being hurt by it. They saw that I was an easy target.
“The wife of someone such as Lord Reginald could never be like that. And so I sought to prove that I was capable.”
Georgiana, thankfully, did not laugh in her face. Instead she took Maria’s hands and guided her to sit down back at the table. Georgiana took the chair next to her, facing her.
“I am going to tell you something, dear girl,” she said, “and I want you to listen to me very carefully.”
“You are right in that the wife of a duke must be prepared for such things. And you are right in that she must handle it with grace.
“But that does not mean that you have to lower yourself to their level. It doesn’t mean that you have to be mean-spirited or thoughtless.
“The reason that Miss Hennings and others would attack you is because they could see how much it affected you. They could see how much it hurt.
“Half of a person’s entertainment in tearing someone down is seeing that person falter. But if the person does not even seem to register it, then where is the fun in that? Where is the game in going after someone if that someone simply refuses to play in return?
“If you were to lob a ball at someone and they would not hit it with their bat, you have no game. They have been the ones throwing the balls, yes. But you have been the one who has hit them with the bat. You have responded and shown your hurt and it only encourages them.
“I wish that I could say that it discourages them because they see that you are hurt and mend their ways. But alas, life is not always so kind.
“You will only shake them off your back if you refuse to play. Show them that you do not care. Do not respond. When they send you unkind words, return them with kindness.
“It might be better than they deserve, it is true. But it will utterly baffle them. It will take all of the wind out of their sails. And while it is better than they might deserve, it is exactly what you deserve.
“For you, my dear, do not deserve to have your reputation damaged by behaving as they do. You do not deserve to feel the odd lack of satisfaction, the empty feeling, that comes with acting like that. And you certainly don’t deserve to be lectured so harshly.”
Maria was of the opinion that she very much did deserve to be lectured for her behavior. But she understood what Georgiana was saying.
“I am sorry,” she said. “I am associated with you. This must reflect badly upon you as well.”
“Never you mind about me,” Georgiana replied. “This will all be forgotten about in the mo
rning. There is always another scandal to talk about. And there is always something that happens halfway through a ball that puts everyone on the edge of their seats.”
She smiled teasingly, squeezing Maria’s hands. “Do not let this bring you down,” she said. “Remember it for the future. Do not repeat your mistake. But do not make the further mistake of thinking that you are now unworthy.
“You are a lovely girl and it is my every wish to see you happy. But that happiness starts with you. No outside person can give it to you if you feel that you do not deserve it.
“Am I making sense? Or do I just sound like one of those ridiculous great-aunts who mumble nonsense and claim to talk to spirits.”
Maria laughed.
“Ah, there she is,” Georgiana said. “There is the Maria Worthing I know. Cheer up, my dear. The storm will pass.”
“I am not so certain that it will pass for me in the eyes of the duke,” Maria admitted, sobering again.
“You leave the duke to me,” Georgiana replied. “Perhaps you ought to endeavor to spend some time alone tomorrow. I think that some time to yourself and away from us will do you some good. After all, a person needs time to center one’s self and there is such a thing as too much time around other people.”
Maria nodded. “Thank you, Georgiana. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all the kindness that you’ve shown me.”
“You’ve simply been yourself,” Georgiana replied. “And that is what you should continue to be. Do not compromise who you are for anyone, not even my brother. Do you promise?”
Maria nodded. “I promise.”
Chapter 16
The next morning, Edward found that Miss Worthing was not coming down to breakfast.
“She has gone out?” he said in surprise when he asked the butler where she had gotten to.
“She is going on a short trip,” Georgiana said, entering the dining room and taking her seat at the breakfast table.
“Where to?” Miss Worthing had to be back in time for the ball that evening and they had planned to go on another walk to the park that day.
Georgiana managed to spread butter on toast with all the foreboding and aggression of a general arranging his troops on a battlefield.
It was rare to see his sister truly angry. That did not happen often. Georgiana was a woman given neither to the ecstatic heights of joy nor the deep valleys of despair.
It meant, however, that when she did give herself over to a strong emotion, it was like the fury of a summer storm out on the high seas. Georgiana was an ocean, calm on the surface but with depth underneath. When she was angry…it was a sight to behold.
And Edward was realizing that at that moment, Georgiana was furious.
“I hardly think it should matter to you where she does and does not go,” Georgiana said. She set down her toast and looked at him with a gaze that, if looks could kill, would have pierced his heart with all the strength of a dagger.
Edward had a feeling that she knew about his argument with Miss Worthing last night.
Furthermore, he had the feeling that she was not on his side about the matter.
“Of course I care where she is,” he told her. “I worry about the girl.”
“And I suppose that it was worry that led you to argue with her so furiously last night.”
“She was behaving in a manner that was both unbecoming and most unlike her.”
“She was trying to fit in, Edward. You can hardly blame the poor girl for that.”
“When it is at the sacrifice of her character, yes, I can.”
Georgiana raised an eyebrow at him. “Not everyone is out to make sport of everyone else. Much of our acquaintance with one another is built upon the exchange of wit and wordplay.
“You disdain these social gatherings and yet you engage in them. Miss Worthing enjoys them but cannot engage with them. She was only trying to bridge that gap.
“You need to be more generous in your manner. How can you not see the world as she sees it? How can you not see the good in the people around you instead of forever focusing on the bad? You praised her for her manner yet refused to adopt it yourself.
“That is nothing short of laziness and I will not stand for it in my brother. Not when I know that you are capable of better.
“She was miserable, knowing that she could not measure up to everyone else’s standards. She was emulating others. Is that not what we do? Is that not how we learn to be wittier, kinder, and so on? By following the example of those around us?
“She did not mean to be unkind. You of all people ought to know that. What with how closely you have been observing her this entire time.”
“Whether she meant to be or not, she was. She turned into one of those simpering ladies who think of nothing but gossip and fashion—”
“As if they have anything else to talk about! As if you do not admire their fashionable clothes and listen in to the gossip yourself!
“You are not allowed to chastise them as a hypocrite. You would enjoy these balls far more if you would simply get over yourself and stop acting like such a child.”
“She—”
“Went too far, yes. As we all do at times when we are desperate for affection and recognition. When we have nothing but ill-suited role models to guide us.
“But that was no reason for you to put her in her place in such a harsh manner. You have put her in such a state of distress I am surprised that she was able to get out of bed at all today.”
Edward was certain that a physical blow would hurt less than the cold and furious tone his sister was leveling at him in that moment.
Georgiana seemed to sense his distress. Attuned as she was to the feelings of others. She sighed, setting down her cutlery. Her voice and face gentled a bit. They were still firm, but no longer enraged.
“I understand how you felt. You wanted her to be herself, because you value who she is and you hated the thought of her giving up her sense of who she is in order to do what is popular.
“You wanted to protect her from herself. And you were frustrated by what you thought was someone giving in so easily to the shallow behavior of those around her.
“I understand that. But you were too harsh in your manner, Edward. You are always too harsh on the people around you. You must learn to be forgiving and to assume the best in others instead of the worst.
“After all, you know that I always act from my highest sense of right. As do you. But even in doing that we can make mistakes. We can be thoughtless.
“You were thoughtless last night. I would even go so far as to say that you were cruel. You did not have to be so harsh with her. I know that you probably were upset at yourself as well. For letting her behavior be this way. If I had to guess I would surmise that you thought you had not provided her with a good enough example yourself. Or that you had failed to protect her from such awful influences.”
Edward could only nod his head, acknowledging at how his sister was once again able to somehow read his every thought.
Georgiana tipped her head to the side, giving him a look of fond exasperation. “You cannot take such responsibility upon yourself. You have to give Miss Worthing credit for her own actions, both good and bad. Neither are your fault or responsibility.”
“How can you say such a thing?” Edward asked. “How can you be so nonchalant about it? You must feel a sense of responsibility for her as well. You must care that she is patterning herself after people not worth giving the time of day to.”
“Of course I care,” Georgiana replied. “But it is not my choice. I cannot control her. And you must recognize that. You cannot control the people around you. The sooner you realize that and the sooner you realize that people have good intentions, even if it does not come across that way, the better off you will be.”
“But was I not right to point out that her behavior was thoughtless and callous? That she was possibly hurting people?”
“If you had done it with kindness and love, then yes
. But to rage at her only made her condemn herself. It made her feel as though she was worth nothing. No lesson in propriety is worth tearing down a person’s self-esteem in such a manner.”
Edward could feel shame begin to creep into his stomach, an unpleasantly hot and sinking feeling that made his entire body feel heavier.
“You acted out of concern,” Georgiana said gently. “I understand that. But you must apologize for being so stern with her. It was an overreaction to her behavior and an overcompensation for the personal responsibility you felt.