by Fanny Finch
“She only wants to be seen as someone whose company is enjoyed, the same as everyone else. She only wants to fit it. It is natural that she will stumble a little in finding her way. Who does not wish, at least in part, to be at the center of the room? To have everyone gaze upon them and think, what a woman of wit? What a charming young lady?”
“I would prefer a kind lady,” Edward said. “One who is known for her graciousness and compassion and honesty.”
“Then perhaps you ought to tell her that,” Georgiana said.
Silence fell for a moment as they both contemplated their own thoughts.
Georgiana was the one to break it.
“Edward, you know that it is never my place to lecture you.”
“I know. But I sorely needed a lecture this morning after such behavior. You are right in that I am too harsh with others. I was only…I did not wish her to become someone she was not. I did not want her to lose the spark that I saw in her, that flame of honesty and sweetness that I so valued.
“I know that others will value it as well, given time. I can see that, even if she cannot.”
“My dear brother. Sometimes I wonder at how you can be so blind.”
Edward looked at her in confusion. Blindness at his own harsh nature? Blindness at how his words had so affected Miss Worthing? Blindness at his hypocrisy?
Georgiana sighed. “Just as I would never presume to lecture you, I would never presume to know your heart. Or to counsel you one way or another regarding your future.
“You have always done the same with me. You have respected my feelings and I appreciate that. I know that you had thoughts about my engagement but you never said anything one way or another.”
“Well it was—”
“You do not need to provide me with an explanation. That is not why I am bringing up the subject.”
Edward nodded and let her proceed.
He had personally approved of her choice in fiancé. While her suitor did not have a noble title or a large income, he was a man of honor. He was a good man. And he had loved Georgiana. That much had been clear. He would have taken care of Georgiana and given her the gentle love that her nature deserved.
But it was not his right to choose or reject someone for her. And when Father had been so firm about it…well, he had known that it was not his battle.
But perhaps he should have stuck up for her and her suitor more.
“I should have spoken up in your defense,” he said. “I let Father bully you.”
“It was ultimately my choice to make,” Georgiana told him. “You could not have made the decision for me.”
“But I could have helped to persuade Father to back off or to even give his blessing.”
“I could have married him with or without Father’s blessing. It was my own cowardice and lack of faith in our relationship that doomed us. I chose to break off the engagement. Not you, and not Father.”
“I could have given you the strength—”
Georgiana held up her hand in a stop motion. “I did not mention it so that we might begin to debate over what should and should not have been done by either of us.
“I only brought up the subject so that I might thank you for the respect that you have always had for me. Not so that we might reminisce or lose ourselves in the conversation. There is no point in talking about the past.
“You did not meddle in my affairs. You let me figure things out for myself. And I appreciate you for that.
“And so I have tried not to meddle too much in yours. I have tried to give you advice when I have seen you unhappy or struggling. But I have never tried to direct your steps too much in one way or another.
“But it seems to me that you are not able to see what is right in front of you. You’re not able to distinguish your own emotions or understand what you’re feeling.”
Edward frowned. “What do you mean? What are you aiming at?”
Georgiana sighed. “Have you not found it odd how protective you are of Miss Worthing? That you are so concerned for her?”
Edward stared at her. “She has no experience and no friends. Of course I am concerned for her.”
“But the extremity of it. That does not strike you as odd? You have never shown such a predisposition towards any other woman before.”
Edward thought about that. It took him a little aback. “I… suppose that I have simply never had the chance to get to know a lady as well as I have gotten to know Miss Worthing. I have spent quite a lot of time in her company, as you know.”
“Yes. And that does further prove my point that you must be gentler about your assessment of others. Had you only run into Miss Worthing at a ball, you might think her as silly as the other girls.”
Edward shook his head. “No. I should not think that. Her disposition is so unlike theirs. She is too much herself for me to think that.”
Georgiana hummed her agreement. “And yet I almost wish that you had simply met her at a ball as another young lady. I think that you might have realized all of this much sooner.”
“You are talking in circles to try and get me to realize something but I am still in the dark. What is it? Speak plain.”
Georgiana sighed. “Have you not noticed that your feelings for her are like one of a suitor?”
That brought Edward up short.
That was not—but could it—he wasn’t thinking of Miss Worthing in that manner, was he?
He thought back over his actions. The way that he always sought her out in the ballroom to make sure that she was all right. The way he wanted to protect her and defend her against those who were rude to her.
How he enjoyed spending time with her. He took her to the theatre, the park, the art galleries. He always sought her out for a dance and would find himself wishing that he could ask her for a second one.
He enjoyed walking with her around the ballroom the other night. And when she was upset he wanted nothing more than to make sure that she was all right, to cheer her up and help her to feel better.
But was that truly love of a romantic sort? Or was it simply because of their spending so much time in close quarters? Was it only because he knew her better than he knew any woman besides his own sister?
Edward felt conflicted. Something about what Georgiana was saying felt so terribly right to him. But he couldn’t quite accept it. Not fully.
“I see that this is a surprise to you,” Georgiana said. “You have not even once considered her as a potential match for yourself?”
“Her father’s instructions were that I help her to find a husband. That I be her escort.”
“You say that as if her father would object to his daughter marrying a wealthy and educated member of the nobility. Or that he would be upset at his daughter marrying the son of his best friend.”
“I still do not understand how Father ever showed enough camaraderie and emotion to make anyone wish to be his best friend.”
“Father was different when he was younger, I am sure,” Georgiana replied. “We can all allow bitterness to change us. I think Father’s bitterness at the world, his materialism—I do not know what sparked it or where it came from. But I do fear that you could become the same way if you are not careful.”
Edward acknowledged that.
“In any case,” Georgiana said, “am I to understand that for some reason or other, you had fixed her in your mind as off-limits?”
Edward nodded. “Yes, I suppose that one could put it that way. I had promised her father that I would treat her as a sister and so I did. That was the only way that I allowed myself to think of her.”
“But that is not how you treat her,” Georgiana said. “You treat her as though you were her suitor.
“Did you not wonder why Miss Hennings and the others continued to treat her as they did?”
“They would treat her that way no matter what. It is not merely a question of her association with me.”
“She does not merely associate with you, Edward. Have you not noticed how those old
er ladies who love Miss Worthing so will titter when you come up to ask her for a dance?”
“They will titter at anything. You know that they live for gossip now that their own brushes with romance are finished.”
“Have you noticed, then, how none of the other young men have dared to ask Miss Worthing for a second dance? And how none of them have called upon the house?”
“I had been concerned about that, I admit. I thought that it was only her nature. They wanted a woman who was more worldly. More like the other young ladies in her manner.”
“Perhaps. But they all scatter when you approach her. None of them ask her to dance before you do. They know that it’s your right to dance with her first.”
“What are you talking about?” The other young men that he knew didn’t behave that way.
“I see that you haven’t even noticed it happening.” Georgiana’s mouth twisted oddly, and Edward realized that she was amused. “Edward, no man has made a move to court Miss Worthing, never mind go so far as to propose to her, because you have been acting as though you are her suitor.”
Edward stared at her. He probably looked like a fool, with his mouth open and everything. “Are you—are you serious? This is not in jest?”
“Why on earth would I jest about something as serious as this?” Georgiana asked. “This is a matter of the heart of which we are speaking, not to mention the future of both yourself and Miss Worthing. I would not jest over something like that.”
Edward knew that, objectively. But it still felt so impossible to him that he could not quite believe that Georgiana was serious.
“Everyone has truly thought this whole time that I am courting her?”
“Your behavior has certainly suggested as much to them,” Georgiana replied. “Even if there has been no formal declaration. And you haven’t done anything so terribly bold as ask her for a second dance or anything of that sort. But I suppose that everyone just assumed that you were taking things slowly or trying to be polite. It would be rude of you to show too much favoritism when you’re in such a social gathering, after all.”
Edward stared down at his plate of food. He was no longer hungry, although not from upset but rather from sheer shock.
Could he have been so terribly unaware of his own feelings?
He had always prided himself on his intelligence, on his ability to observe. Yet here he was being told that he did not know himself at all. That his own motivations and his own heart were so unknown to him and so different from what he thought.
Did he have romantic feelings for Miss Worthing? It was not something he could accept at the drop of a hat. He was not a hero from one of those novels where he stared into the sunset and suddenly knew beyond a shadow of a doubt.
It did, however, make an awful lot of sense. In fact, it made a horrible amount of sense.
His irrational jealousy. The way he couldn’t even consider other women and thought only of Miss Worthing. How he kept thinking of how best to take care of her and worrying about her safety.
He was always trying to stick close to her. He always knew where she was. He wanted her to be happy and enjoyed spending time with her.
All of that could just be brotherly affection, of course.
But then if he imagined holding her in his arms—treating her as a husband would a wife—
That felt right. More than that, it felt comfortable.
He remembered what Georgiana had said before about what it felt like to be in love. About how it had made her feel safe. Like coming home, only home was a person.
When he thought of Miss Worthing, that was what he thought about. That was the sensation. In fact, he could not picture coming home after meetings to a house that did not have her in it.
Georgiana gave him a small smile, her eyes softening. “I see that you are beginning to understand.”
“I am not sure that I do, still,” Edward replied, feeling dazed. Almost as if someone had clocked him upside the head.
“What do you not understand?” she asked gently.
“How I could have been so blind as to my own feelings. How I could have treated her in such a way that everyone else could see how I felt but I myself could not.
“I have been unfair to Miss Worthing. My behavior was preventing her from finding a suitor since all of the other young men thought that I had set my sights on her. And as a duke, they would not dare usurp me.
“I have made her more of a target for the ladies, and without knowing why. At least if I had been aware of my behavior I would have been able to counter it in other ways. I could have made it clear that anyone who disrespected Miss Worthing would face my wrath, since I was her suitor.
“I would have actually had a right to protect her in the way that I wanted. But instead, I have been placing her in an awkward position where she could not defend herself and I was not defending her as I should be.
“I took away her ability to gain a husband without truly providing for her as if I were her suitor. I gave her all the disadvantages and none of the benefits or privileges.
“In short, I feel that I have behaved…as a cad would.”
“You are not a cad,” Georgiana replied immediately. “A cad knows what he is doing and whom he is hurting and he does not care. You care. You were merely mistaken and unaware. It happens to the best of us.”
“You are more forgiving of me than I am of myself.”
“That is generally how it goes in life, I have found. We are our own harshest critics.”
Edward gently pushed his plate of food away. He knew that he would not be finding his appetite again for some time.
The more that he thought about having romantic feelings for Miss Worthing, the more it made sense.
All of those feelings that he had been shoving aside. The feelings that he hadn’t been letting himself properly examine. The feelings of confusion and frustration that he hadn’t been able to place…
And of course the extreme disappointment that he had felt last night. The sadness and anger. The way that he had felt almost betrayed.
It was because he was in love with her.
He had a wild, awful thought: he was glad that Father was dead. He would never have approved of the match. The daughter of his old best friend she might be, yes. But she was also not a noble and not nearly an equal to the Reginald family in wealth.
When he voiced this, Georgiana shook her head. “I think that Father would have been more sentimental than you give him credit for.”
“Well we shall never know either way.”
“No. But we are still waiting with bated breath, if I may say so out loud, to see what you will do about this now that you are aware of it.”
“Do?”
What could he do? He had ruined his chances with Miss Worthing. His behavior last night was far too harsh. It was deplorable.
What he should have done was say that he liked her exactly the way that she was. That she didn’t have to change herself in order to get people to accept her. That her lack of guile, her belief in the best in people and her enthusiasm for the world around her had all endeared her to him better than witty remarks and clever asides ever could.
He should have told her that he didn’t understand the need for acceptance. But that was because he was born a man and born to wealth and privilege as well. He never needed to struggle to be accepted. He already was. Even when he was sullen and scolding.
And so while he didn’t understand it, he should have told her he could appreciate it. But that she wouldn’t ever have to struggle for it ever again because he would elevate her to such a level that people would never dare to reject her.
He should have told her how he felt.
But he hadn’t even realized how he felt. He’d had no idea. And so he had retreated into anger. He scolded her. He had behaved abominably.
She must hate him now. Must be resolved to reject his very presence. Had she not fled the house before he was even awake? Edward was an early riser. He wa
s generally the first person awake in the household.
To have taken breakfast, dressed, and left the house already before he was even up…Miss Worthing must have been greatly determined.
It could not have been clearer that she greatly disliked him now. That she felt he was her enemy.
“There is nothing that I could do now,” he told Georgiana.
Georgiana raised an eyebrow. “Not even tell her the truth?”
“I am not one of those heroes in plays,” Edward replied. “This is not an opera. Performing a massive monologue or aria is not going to win her favor.”