Jason joined him at the bar and sat down.
"No, it worked and I was completely Chase for a while there, but I can't shake off Jason, I've been him too long."
Milk's face shifted to just joy and then, deciding to be manlier, slipped down to just happiness.
"So what do you know?" Milk asked draining his Skyewalker.
"Two things of importance," Jason replied as Julianna walked around the bar and started making two Chokdee cocktails, "one is where our next destination is and two," he looked over at Julianna as she placed their drinks down, "is that Julianna was one of the only people I could trust."
"Indeed," said Julianna and left the room.
Milk started to say something, but Jason waved him off and the two men drank in silence until Julianna returned with a belt that also strapped across the shoulders and then crossed at the back. The belt included two holsters with pistols in them, plus spare cartridges and various small grenades. She handed them to Jason along with a bank card.
"Kerr-ching," said he.
Anyway the problem was that as they monitored Earth they began to realise that far from evolving they were becoming more and more primitive. Technology, far from stimulating them to achieve more had made them incredibly lazy. It would be later noted that Earth was the first planet to invent the sofa and that may have had a lot to do with increased laziness on the planet.
The problem with sofas is you just can't help yourself; you can't walk past a sofa without the temptation to have a nice sit down, having one of these in your house was, therefore, tantamount to 'get-up-and-go' suicide. Not that many people minded, get-up-and-goers are generally annoying and feel it is their life mission to get you off the sofa and out into the wide blue yonder. The sad irony of get-up-and-goers is that they never get up and go, thusly spoiling whatever nice sit down you might have had.
But I digress.
And so Earth was semi abandoned, no one really wanted to invite modern man into space, no more than you and I would want to invite a rabid pit-bull to our child's fifth birthday party. The only decent thing about Earth was that it seemed to be damned good for your health. Just a week on Earth could have you looking a year younger and living an extra five. No one had worked out why, but considered it was something to do with the proximity to the Sun and the other planets.
From: A Brief Guide to the Universe for Earthens
WELCOME TO SPACE (A PRETTY AVERAGE DAY IN ICTOPIA)
The Prime Minister sat in Number 10 with two Greys and the President, who wasn't really President anymore, he left the running of the country to his Vice President; who had, only weeks earlier, wished that aliens would come and take the President away and leave him in charge and was fairly astonished that it had actually happened.
The Prime Minister was equally astonished to have two aliens sitting chatting with him and, even more astonishingly, enjoying a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and some biscuits. It was hard, they told him, to get a decent HobNob in space.
"So when do we actually get into space?" asked the President.
"Soon," one Grey, Defosimo, replied. "But first two things must be done."
"Yes," continued the other Grey, Ateksos, "we must finish the space ways that will give safe passage for the increased number of ships we anticipate entering and exiting the solar system and second we must ensure that there is now peace between Earthen nations."
"And how do we expect to do that?" the PM asked. "The peace, not the space ways, I'm sure you have that in hand," he flustered on.
"Now you have Greys amongst you, working with you. This is a spectacle to Earthens and will strengthen the idea that they must unite. Over the next few days, weeks and months more races will arrive and that will continue to strengthen feelings of solidarity amongst the Earthen race," explained Defosimo.
"We hope," added Ateksos.
"You hope?" the PM asked surprised.
"Yes, we cannot predict what you will do, no one can predict such things. We wouldn't normally do such things so fast, but we are lacking in time."
"Why are we lacking in time?" the President asked.
"There are things afoot," Defosimo said simply.
"We must do all we can to make sure the Earthen leaders go the way we want them to," Ateksos said.
Fair point, thought the PM, he shouldn't have been surprised. They may be technologically advanced, but no one can make people act a certain way, he should know that as a politician.
"Don't you worry about us," pointed out the President who hadn't been surprised at all, "you keep getting us ready and we will sort out our own."
"Very good," replied Defosimo.
Of course the President hadn't been surprised, this was the moment he had been expecting, this was his chance to unite Earth and take it into Space. This was his moment in history.
Defosimo for his part was happy to have the Americans around, they were 'can do' people and would do whatever necessary to make Earth ready. They were a lot like the Victorians that had first come into space and started organising things. Making everything 'proper' they had said.
"Well now, gentlemen, we need to get ready for the United Nations. Time for you to meet the rest of the World leaders," reminded the PM and so they finished their tea and left.
***
Back in space the bar was filling up with Humans and other races that found Human girls attractive. This last segment comprised of two types, those who found Humans attractive and could have sex with them and those who found them attractive, but biologically could not. This last group were not races you wanted to talk to in such a bar as they were generally miserable, drunk and horny. Which is never a good mix. Anywhere.
Girls were up on the stage dancing in red panties and bras, though not always in bras and sometimes not in panties. Men sat around the stage ogling and drinking; which is an art. The tricky part is to be able to drink whilst not stopping ogling. Those who have yet to master the art often have to leave due to beer soaking through their shirts. These days people with an eye to turning a quick space pound have set up stalls outside girly bars, where for only a few pounds you can be mopped down, get a fresh shirt and get straight back to ogling.
***
Jason and Milk were still at the bar having moved on to Samuel Smith's bitter, a beer fine enough that the Victorians took it into space with them along with someone who knew how to brew it. It was this man, Mark Humphreys, a Yorkshire man, who founded the Great Northern Cricket Club on the planet of Wickets (just a coincidence) and made cricket the sport of choice across the Universe.
Anyway, Milk and Jason were at the bar discussing their next move. Or arguing over it; depends on your view.
"Ictopia? Ictopia?" Milk repeated angrily.
"Yep. What's the problem?"
"Oh, oh," Milk went on theatrically, "oh, only that it is one of the Universe's sleaziest hives of iniquity. Only that who knows how many people there want to kill you."
"It's been five years, Milk, five years, who's going to care? And anyway I went there five years ago and came here in one piece," he took a drink.
"And why, let me ask you, why did you choose to go there?" Milk asked, or demanded, depending on your view.
"Erm, I don't remember?"
"Oh, save us! What did you do?"
"Nothing?"
"What. Did. You. Do?"
"Well, it's hazy,"
"But?"
"But, I may have gone to settle a few scores before I left for Earth," Jason admitted.
Milk slapped his forehead, it made such a loud noise that the men at the stage jumped, looked around and then had to go out and get mopped down and buy a new shirt.
From one of the booths came a scream and indistinct angry words. It became clear from where our two heroes sat that a customer was trying to do something indecent; which is tough in a go-go bar.
"Is this where we turn over a new leaf and start doing good things?" asked Jason.
Milk lo
oked at him, he could see glints of Chase in the eyes, but this wasn't something Chase would normally bother about, in fact it was usually Chase involved. Back in the day you had to give Chase props for making even the sleaziest or most dangerous place that bit more sleazy and/or dangerous.
Perhaps there could be a balance between Chase and Jason, and if that was true maybe they could achieve their mission and get back in one piece. Well, achieve their mission anyway.
"I would say so."
"OK, stay behind me and out of sight till I need you," then he looked Milk up and down. "Pretend to be a column or something."
"Funny."
Jason walked nonchalantly over to the booth which contained four pilots from the Universal Trading Network Navy and three girls from the bar. One pilot, a brute of a Human was currently trying to get his face into Lustria's top while she struggled and the other pilots cajoled drunkenly.
"Problems, Lustria?" Chase asked.
"Chase! Help me," she once again tried to push the man's head to an appropriate distance, which by this point would be somewhere in deep space.
The other pilots looked up at Chase and finally so did the pilot causing the chaos.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked angry at the interruption to his fun.
"Chase Wellgood or maybe Jason Darkstaar, not sure which one to go for yet. What do you think? Which is catchier?"
"What I think is that you should piss off, mate."
"Wrong answer."
"Yeah? Well there's four of us and one of you," explained another pilot.
"Oh dear," whimpered the newly released Lustria and then Milk was next to Chase cracking his muscles.
"Now the odds are against you," smiled Chase and lightning fast whipped up a bottle of Pargkat from the table and smashed it over the first pilots head. His head cracked backwards, but came back with a bloody face and an evil look.
The four pilots leapt out of the booth and onto Chase and Milk. Milk swung a ham sized fist that connected with a stomach and the pilot folded. The bloody pilot came at Chase who blocked punches and delivered a punch to the stomach and then grabbing the doubled over pilot's hair delivered a knee to his nose. The pilot went down as another punched Chase in the side and followed with one to the head. Chase staggered into the table and flashed a smile at Lustria.
The other pilot was on Milk's back trying to choke him; Milk ran backwards and slammed the pilot into the bar sending drinks flying.
And that pissed everyone off.
One patron swung at Milk as the pilot slipped to the floor. He missed and hit another customer whose buddy smashed a bottle over his head. And as bar fights go, suddenly everyone was in and swinging.
Milk fought his way through to Chase who was dodging the long, swinging arms of an Oncolutian. Milk grabbed an arm and swung the Oncolutian into the melee.
"Time to go," Milk shouted.
"Yeah, no joke."
They fought towards the door, a bottle flew through the air past Chase's head and smashed into a man's face who was about to bottle Milk. Another man took a swing at Chase, who dodged and put an elbow to the man's throat. Milk decked a man with a struggling, screaming girl over his shoulder. Chase broke a bottle of Carute whiskey and stabbed a man trying to rape one of the girls and then they were out the door and into the alley.
A car screeched to a halt at the opposite end of the alley to the market and Julianna screamed at them to jump in. Which they promptly did and the car sped off.
"Turns out nothing's changed then," she commented.
"Seems not," said Milk from the backseat massaging his hand.
"Where're we going?" asked Jason from the passenger seat.
"Space port."
"And why is there a suitcase on the seat next to me?" Milk wondered aloud.
"I'm coming with you," Julianna pointed out.
"Oh, no. No, no, no," Jason protested.
"Oh, yes. I helped you out, now help me out and get me out of that place," she spouted angrily.
"Julianna," Milk cut in, "this isn't a game; this is dangerous."
"You think my life's not been dangerous working in that place? At least this will be more fun."
"Fun? Fun? Believe me, none of this is fun," exclaimed Jason.
"Whatever. You need me, you've both been away for five years and you're not Chase Darkstaar anymore."
"OK, fair point," Jason started.
"But, no," Milk argued.
"I'm not asking, I'm telling, so shut up, the both of you."
Jason and Milk sat in silence for the rest of the journey; both men staring out the window, both thinking the same things; that this was going to be a harder mission than they at first thought. 'Valkswagon', they both thought.
***
The room was still dimly lit when the table in the middle of the council bleeped and a screen was projected above it. Hopkirk read the message.
"A convoy carrying arms to the nearest friendly galaxy to the Laikans was attacked and the arms stolen. We can only assume it was the Laikans," he stated.
"Then it has begun," Fong-gan the Carute said from his fish bowl.
The ape like Albertine, George, ran a hand down his hairy face. "They are just protecting their galaxy, stopping us arming our closest allies. Before any war begins they will want Darkstaar."
"Yes, true, they wouldn't start a war without at least knowing that we don't have the Trimedian," Mark pointed out.
"And where is our chosen hero?" asked Hikcet the Grey alien.
"That we should find out forthwith," replied Hopkirk.
***
Milk, Jason and Julianna sat in the cockpit of their ship whilst it flew out of the galaxy on autopilot.
"So fill me in," Julianna requested.
"Oh, where to start?" sighed Milk.
"Well," Jason started, "I hid this thing, it's a fuel source that can also be turned into a devastating, planet destroying weapon and then I had my memory wiped on Earth and hid there. Now there is WAR brewing and the Universal Trading Network need said fuel back safely in their hands."
"War?" Julianna was taken aback.
"WAR," stated Milk. "With the Laikans and whoever joins them."
"And if they get their hands on this fuel and turn it into a weapon?"
"Things won't be good for us," finished Jason.
Julianna went pale. Not just at the thought of war, WAR even, but at the thought that the security of the Universe was in the hands of Milk and Jason. For the first time she wished Chase was here.
She shook these thoughts away. "So now we're going to get this weapon?"
"Well, not quite," admitted Jason.
"No, oh no, it couldn't possibly be that easy, could it?" Milk sarcastically threw at Jason.
"Oh, what now?" she was exasperated already.
"Genius boy here hid it and then set himself a number of clues across the Universe to its hiding place."
"What? Why?"
"Perfectly reasonable actually," Jason retorted sharply, "it meant that if I was caught and had my memory jogged I could only take them to the bar on Columbino and if I didn't escape there I had plenty of opportunities to get back to being Chase and escaping without giving away the final location."
"Wait, that doesn't make sense. How could you make it that you would only remember one stage at a time?"
"I was Chase Darkstaar. At each stage I set myself the clue that would jog my memory and then forgot about it, wiped it away. On Earth all they really did was seal my memory, I had already forgotten everything about the Trimedian's hiding place."
"Smart arse" commented Milk.
"Wait, but what would have happened if I hadn't been at the bar?"
"Ah, well?" Milk stumbled.
"Er, yes, um," Jason added.
"It wasn't me, was it? I mean it was just the place, it could have been any girl."
"Errrr," Jason said.
"I just happened to be the first person you bumped into."
"Well? it was good fortune that it was you," Milk mumbled.
"Why, because I was the last one he spent time with? Because I was just better odds?" she asked angrily.
"No. No," Jason said, "because you're right, we do need help and we do need someone strong like you on our team."
She looked at them both and then stormed out of the room.
The two men looked at each other.
"Well, that didn't go so badly," Jason said trying to get his composure back.
"Yes, yes, could have been a lot worse," Milk tried.
***
The message sent to Milk and Jason's ship was encoded, as was the reply, but a Laikan spy still got her hands on it and a small force of Laikan assassins were dispatched to Ictopia.
***
Ships were now streaming in and out of Earth and make shift space ports were erected in every country as each frantically tried not only to build a proper space port as quickly as possible, but also tried to outdo everyone else's.
On the insistence of Defosimo and Ateksos, the first Earthen ship into space was a McVities Biscuits transport carrying HobNob and Rich Tea biscuits. As they reached the edge of the galaxy and arrived at the star-gate they found a huge sign with brightly lit letters that proclaimed:
Welcome to Space.
It's big,
You'll love it.
The governments of Earth were trying to form a one world council and in this Europe took the lead having being trying to get the European Union to do something useful for years. Again Sir Jeffery stepped in and appointed the American President as the first head with Defosimo and Ateksos as his advisors and representatives from the Universal Trading Network Council (UTNC). What was made clear was that the alien representatives had more power as the UTNC had ultimate power. Any squabbling would be sorted out by them until such a time that the Earth was fully integrated into the UTN.
The first actual Earthens to go into space would be Asians and they were hand-picked for their knowledge in all things Asian. Why you might ask, and if you don't care skip this next bit. The only Humans in space were those from the British Empire and whoever they came and took to space at a later date. Some of these 'later date' people were from Hong Kong as they were showing great economical knowledge; however these were people who lived with British culture and after enough years of breeding with other Humans there wasn't really any Asian culture in space. Those in the UTN of Asian descent were eager to bring a balance.
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