Looking For It (Three Player Co-op Book 1)

by Allyson Lindt

  But yes. It was brilliant. What if his artists didn’t have to imagine it? What if someone gave them a real-life model to work from? Maybe they already did that. Was that a thing? Could it be my thing?

  I’d make it mine. I found contact information for Charles Sanford on the KaleidoMation website, but it was a generic email. I wanted to get to him directly, and cross my fingers he was as big a fan as he’d said.

  I sent Anne a quick message, asking if she knew anyone at work who could help me out, then dove into my proposal. I’d want to start with a simple email, to request a meeting. Then something brief—a high level overview including a few portfolio shots, but mostly a discussion of the concept. And a third that dove into details.

  A reply came in to my message to Anne, but it was from Jax. Seeing his name in my email twisted me into a pretzel. The message itself, a digital copy of Chet’s business card, including a personalized email address, was as benign as could be.

  I typed a dozen different replies, before settling on thank you.

  My letter for Chet was ready. Send it now, the day after Christmas, and take a chance on it getting lost in all the messages he’d get over the holiday, or hold onto it?

  Who was I kidding? I couldn’t sit on this for a week. I gave the entire thing another proofread, and hit send. Now I’d wait, but it would be for someone else.

  What next?

  Talking to Grayson and Jax. I needed things to be right between us, and chasing them around in my head wasn’t getting us there. I could also return Chase’s messages, but I wasn’t ready to forgive him.

  I sent Grayson and Jax a shared message, asking if we could talk.

  Grayson’s reply came through seconds later. Can’t. Busy this week.

  Oh. There was no room there to pick a date. Set a time at some point in the future. Just a nope.

  I couldn’t leave it at that. My schedule is flexible. When are you free?

  Can’t say, Grayson replied.

  Jax’s silence was at least as bad as Grayson’s stonewalling. What were my options? Showing up to their house unannounced. But that was rude, and it also showed I didn’t believe Grayson’s busy. I wasn’t sure if I did or not, but implying he was a liar wouldn’t help the conversation.

  I needed to give them a more concrete request. An invitation with a specific date and time, that didn’t leave any room for guessing about when they were busy. They probably already had plans for New Year’s, but what if I could make things right, and recreate that missed moment with Jax, way back when? Reset that first misunderstanding, when Chase tried to tear us apart.

  I’d give it a day before I sent the request. Let them simmer on things the way I had been.

  Another ping from my email derailed my thoughts. A reply from Chet already. That had to be a good sign.

  Sadie,

  It’s great to hear from you. I’m definitely interested in your proposal. If you have something you can email, send it over and I’ll get back to you.

  I’ve been watching the public side of your legal situation. I hope things are all right on that front.

  I need talk to some people here, before I can get you more of an answer.

  Was this his polite way of brushing me off? He was being kinder about it than anyone in Hollywood. I sent my proposal over, as requested, but with him mentioning my legal issues, I didn’t expect I’d ever hear back from him.

  Chapter Twenty

  Grayson accepted my invitation for the night before New Year’s Eve, on both of their behalf’s. It felt a little silly to make an appointment to visit them, but if this was what it took to make things right. Was that an option?

  God, I hoped so.

  I wanted to dress up fancy. Relive that moment we never got in high school, with the blue dress to match my eyes, and the jewelry to match theirs. Once things were better.

  Instead, I’d gone for casual but neat, in jeans and a flattering sweater, and then I was standing on their porch, both relieved and terrified to finally be knocking.

  Grayson answered. No smile. No expression at all I could interpret.

  But my heart still cracked at seeing him again.

  “Come on in.” He stepped aside. That was one obstacle down. “It’s just me for now. Do you want anything to drink?”

  “I’d love to be drinking heavily right now.” I laughed. He didn’t join in. Noted. I wouldn’t joke about that. Jax was here—his car was in the driveway—but I’d say this twice, or three times or a million if I had to. “I need you to know I’m sincere, though, so no thanks.”

  I did sit. Perched on the edge of a chair, trying not to look like I was ready to bolt. I’d never felt more uncomfortable here.

  Grayson sat too. Reclined on the couch, watching me warily. “What’s up?”

  “I thought we were going to be okay.”

  “No you didn’t. Too many things were said. Too much hurt was passed around.”

  “I’m not done,” I said. “When I asked if we could just be friends, I’d convinced myself we could be okay. Before that, every time we hooked up, I let myself believe it wasn’t a big deal. I did know better, but it was easier to listen to the voice that wanted everything without offering anything in return.”

  Grayson raised his eyebrows.

  A facial expression. I’d take it. “I’m sorry.” Now that the words were flowing, they tasted better than any words had in ages. They didn’t have the same foul bitterness of everything else I’d been trying to pretend was real. “I’m sorry I couldn’t understand what you were asking from me. I’m sorry I pushed you away because I couldn’t see what could be, only what couldn’t. I want to take it all back, and I know that’s not an option. But I want to do things differently now that I know better.”

  “You thought you knew what you wanted before. Why should I listen? What makes this any different?”

  Harsh questions, but fair. “I can’t make you hear me out. One of the things I’ve always adored about you is that you’re forgiving. That you allow people to learn and grow and you understand changing an opinion based on new input.”

  “Tell me what you want to say.” His voice wasn’t as flat as before.

  Skip all the drawn-out explanations and get to the point? Where was the fun in that? I kept the sarcastic thought to myself. I crossed the room to kneel at his feet. I needed to look him in the eye for what came next, and this was the best way to ensure he would. “I want you back in my life. Both of you. I want to see where things go. I don’t want to pretend this is just fun and games and casual.”

  He met my gaze, and I swore he was trying to peer into my soul. He was welcome to see it. I’d lay myself out bare, inside and out, to make them understand.

  “Don’t say any of this just to make things right.” Grayson leaned in, putting his face closer to mine. “I need you to mean what you’re saying.”

  That was fair. “I mean all of it. Yes, I miss you and I thought a lot about how to change the divide between us. But I’m not going to make up something I don’t feel, especially not something like this, to put a fake bandage on the situation.”

  Something rustled behind me, possibly coming from the kitchen. Was Jax listening?

  “I’ve been thinking about this—all of us—for a long time. Fantasies. Asking myself how two people who loved each other could share... it’s all been in my head for years, and I never looked too deeply into the why. When you told me you wanted me to be a part of that... I needed a new perspective once everything started to come together. I’m sorry it hurt you, but I can’t apologize for taking time to figure it out. That is what it is.”

  Grayson rested a finger under my chin, lifted my head, and brushed his lips over mine. It was a feather-light touch, but it still sent a shock crashing over me, like shoving icy skin under scalding water. It ached all the way to my core, but I didn’t want to pull away from the relief.

  “I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what this apology was for. It didn’t matter, if it earned me mor
e tenderness and understanding.

  “It’s not your fault.” Grayson’s words were as much a relief as the kiss. “I understand not getting it at first. I’ve had years to deal with the fact that Jax— I’m happy you see the situation from a new perspective I’m happy it was you who made that decision. He may not come around so easily, but I fucking missed you, Sadie.”

  “I missed you too.” I rose up a little, and stole another kiss. “I can’t believe all these years, I never thought what we did in front of the camera...”

  “Was flirting? In a way, I’m glad, because it meant you never stopped.”

  I smiled. First real one in a few days. It felt incredible. “What about Jax?” Who I was almost certain now was listening.

  “He’s been waiting for you for years. And once he found out why you pushed him away... “

  “He never told—” I clamped my jaw shut. He had told me how he felt. Several times. I ignored him, or threw it back at him for teasing me. I believed Chase had no idea back then what that one little lie would become, but it had shaped at least two lives for the next ten years. “I can’t make things right if he won’t talk to me.”

  Grayson grasped my fingers, tugged me to my feet, and wrapped an arm around my waist. He kissed me again, harder this time. It wasn’t one of those ravenous, face-devouring kisses we’d shared before, but it was deep and intense, and I swore I felt his soul mingling with mine.

  He pulled back and bushed a thumb over my bottom lip. “You already know he’s in the other room, listening to everything.”

  “I guessed. How do I get him to talk to me?”

  “He’s still deciding if that’s a good idea.” Jax’s voice came from behind. “But watching you suck face with his boyfriend is forcing his hand.”

  What should have been playful words were carried on a stiff tone. If I couldn’t make things right with Jax... I didn’t know what I’d do.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I turned to see Jax lounging against the wall leading to the kitchen, his arms crossed. He was as heartachingly sexy as he’d always been.

  It was tempting to keep dwelling on so much wasted time, but this was a chance to move forward. “It doesn’t matter if you heard it all. I’ll repeat it over and over, if you want,” I said.

  “The day you moved, when I propositioned you, I was surprised as fuck you said yes. You’d pushed me away for so long, it’s nice to finally understand why.” Jax’s voice was thick with the same emotion clogging my throat. “I only asked for discretion because being out—any kind of out that people don’t think is normal—is hard. When you didn’t react well, Chase was a convenient excuse, but not one I should have used. Maybe if I’d pushed harder, at any point between then and now...”

  “I wouldn’t have reacted any better.” We could play the what if game for days, around that one little thing that kept us apart. It wouldn’t change anything. “I’m not concerned about what other people think. My life is half on display anyway, and people can take their shitty judgments and go fuck themselves.”

  Jax smirked. I did adore that expression. “We’ve talked about you. A lot.” He looked past me to Grayson. “It was bad enough when one of us was smitten, but then he had to go and fall for you too.”

  “Smitten?” I loved it. It was such a sweet, innocent word.

  “Yes. And I understand your hesitation around being with both of us. When Grayson introduced me to the idea, way back when, I struggled with it too. Except it meant I could keep loving him and not give up on you.”

  There was something in his words, the catch in his voice, that made my heart skip. I couldn’t find a response.

  Jax kicked away from the wall, walked up to me, and took my hand. “I tried to move on. Told myself it was pathetic that I couldn’t get over a teenage crush. And I thought I had, until you were back in my life. I never came close to feeling about anyone the way I did about you. Until Grayson, and even now he lives in a separate place in my heart.

  This wasn’t dating and seeing where things go. He had a distinct destination in mind, and had for a while. I should be terrified or intimidated. Instead, I was settling into the relief that had been missing for weeks. “I’m sorry I believed the worst about you for so long. And that I don’t have nearly so poetic a confession to make.”

  “That wasn’t poetry, and all I need from you, ever, is the truth.”

  The truth. Should have been simple at any point along the way, but it always got muddled. Now it finally seemed so clear. “I’m glad you came back into my life. Chase’s life, I guess. But he doesn’t get any credit for this. Despite what I thought you’d done, I was happy to see you again. But I never dared think about you on that same level again. The hurt never left, and knowing now that it was misguided...” I wasn’t going to tumble into hypotheticals. I had to remember that.

  “You’re committed to this idea now, of all of us,” Jax said. “Because once you get past the hesitation, it feels really good. But you should know, it’s hard falling for someone who already loves another person.”

  “I get that.” I’d been getting that for years. “Believe me, I understand it implicitly.”

  Jax cradled my cheek against his palm. “Holding back all this time... Let’s just say it’s taught me infinite patience. But that day we hooked up, finally, the restraints snapped. I want you both, and I’m so happy you’re good with that. I love you, Dee Dee.”

  I gazed back at amber eyes I used to think were cruel. Instead, he was as guarded as I was. “I hate that we wasted so much time.” I had to say it. Voicing the regret made it easier to move past. “But we’ve got a lot of time ahead of us. And I love you too.” Was I allowed to say that already? He said it first, but I meant it. Few things in my life felt more real or certain. Especially with Jax watching me in adoration, and Grayson wrapping his arms around my waist from behind.

  Jax slid his hand to the back of my neck, and crashed his mouth into mine. “I’m glad you wanted to do this here.” He murmured between nibbles on my lips. “Because we’re probably not letting you leave for a few days.”

  I leaned into Jax’s kiss, letting the love and passion fill me. I turned to steal one from Grayson too. I’d almost walked away from this.

  But I hadn’t. That was what mattered.

  Jax nudged my sweater up, and I stepped out of his grasp with a smile.

  “It occurs to me,” or it was doing so as I spoke, “that having two boyfriends, who are also dating each other, means I get to watch you together.” Which had recently become one of my favorite sights.

  “What, specifically, do you want to watch?” Jax asked.

  I hadn’t gotten into that many details yet. My fantasies tended to focus more on my pleasure. That would be changing. “Kissing... and nakedness and stuff?”

  “All right.” Jax sounded far too casual.

  Grayson kissed him in a way I recognized. His fingers gripping the short strands of Jax’s hair. Their mouths dancing hungrily together.

  It wasn’t just the watching that sang to my soul, it was knowing how it felt when Grayson did that. Being able to place myself in the middle of that kiss. And seeing how much they both enjoyed it.

  There was no hesitating, only frantic desperation as they stripped off each other’s shirts. Bare, well-defined chests molded to each other. They groped one another through their jeans.

  Jax made quick work of Grayson’s belt and zipper. He slid his hands under Grayson’s waistband, to grab Grayson’s ass and pull him closer. The kissing never paused for more than a second or two.

  Until Jax broke away, to drop to his knees. When he worked Grayson’s cock free, I whimpered. It earned me a pair of twin smirks that faded when Jax took Grayson into his mouth.

  I’d never been this turned on by something like porn. Grayson fucking Jax’s mouth. The hunger. The enthusiasm. The low groans that reached deep inside me and stroked my every nerve ending.

  Grayson’s hips thrust in time with breaths that wer
e growing shorter and more shallow. “Stop.” He forced the word through gritted teeth, and pulled back from Jax, who stood.

  Grayson turned to me, shaft at full mast, lust splashed across his face. “Come here.”

  I couldn’t argue an order like that. The instant I was within his reach, he grabbed my hips, and kissed me hard. I swore something ripped with the desperation he used undoing my jeans.

  He shoved my clothes to the ground, the fabric scraping along my thighs on the way down. “Being away from you for so many days...” his voice was strained, “... turns out absence makes the dick grow harder.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes.” I laughed.

  “I get to decide how things go,” Grayson said. “For instance, kneel on the couch.”

  Yes, sir. I was barely settled, when he grabbed my hips, pushed me forward, and thrust his cock inside me. No fanfare, just slam, and God I’d missed the way he stretched me out. I gripped the cushions to keep my balance, my head level with the back of the sofa. He slipped in and out of me at an excruciatingly slow pace, but each push forward was hard, striking the perfect spot inside me.

  Then Jax was in front of me, cock in his hand. I hungrily took him in my mouth.

  My hands were occupied keeping me from falling over, but they seemed to have the other mechanics figured out. Grayson teased my clit, keeping up the slow rhythm of fucking me.

  Jax wasn’t so patient thrusting against my face.

  The combination of all of it, the words shared, the things I’d witnessed, the sensations now, all drew a long climax from me. My cries were muffled by Jax’s erection when I came.

  A salty spurt hit the back of my throat, then another, as he spilled inside my mouth. I devoured every drop.

  Grayson picked up the pace as Jax slipped past my lips. Grunting. Pounding. Hammering against and inside me. The sounds he made when he reached climax were deliciously intoxicating.

  The world slowed to a stop, punctuated by the three of us struggling to catch our breath. This wasn’t soft sweetness, but the spice was incredible, and it was love. More amazing than I ever could have imagined.