Undying Affinity

by Sara Naveed

  ‘Thank you, Sir,’ Fariha said with a warm smile and left.

  Zarish could not believe what she had seen. She thought she was the only one with whom he exchanged text messages and calls.

  ‘Why did he give his private number to another student?’ she wondered.

  To Ahmar’s surprise, in a single motion, she held his arm, shoved her quiz paper in his hand and stormed out of the classroom.

  Later, when the university was quite empty, she sat on a bench outside his office, waiting impatiently for him to return. Saleha and Sherry had bid her goodbye and left the campus together. Despite her own internal conflicts regarding Ahmar, Zarish felt really happy for her friends and wished that they’d be together forever.

  A few minutes later, Zarish saw Ahmar walking towards her with someone she could not recognize. They were chatting about something on their way to Ahmar’s office. Ahmar bid the other person goodbye and beckoned her to follow him, as he walked past her and into his office. She got up from the bench, swept her hand through her hair, took a deep breath and stepped into his office.

  The office was calm and everything seemed still. All the lights were turned off except for a single lamp that lit up the part of Ahmar’s cabin where his desk was stationed. The desk was clean and the papers on it had been stacked neatly into a pile.

  ‘Take a seat,’ he said coolly, turning on his laptop.

  ‘No thanks. I’m fine,’ Zarish replied.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he said, with an eyebrow cocked.

  ‘Yes,’ she murmured and nodded.

  ‘Would you like some tea or coffee? I’m going to order one for myself,’ he said as he settled into his chair.

  ‘What did you want to talk to me about, Ahmar?’ she asked.

  ‘Answer my question first,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t want anything. Thanks,’ she replied curtly.

  Ahmar picked up the telephone on his desk and asked someone to bring two cups of coffee to his office.

  ‘Why are you so stubborn?’ Zarish asked and crossed her arms.

  ‘I’m just trying to be more like you,’ Ahmar said, leaning forward.

  It made Zarish uncomfortable and she fidgeted with her bag and twiddled her thumbs in nervousness.

  ‘Sit down, Zarish. Relax,’ Ahmar said.

  She sat down.

  A peon entered the office with two cups of coffee.

  ‘Thank you,’ Ahmar told the peon, who retreated from the office, shutting the door behind him.

  ‘So, what’s the deal?’ she asked.

  ‘Why do you think there would be a deal anyway?’ he asked.

  ‘You said you wanted to talk . . .’ she began to say.

  ‘Yeah, I did,’ He cut her midway. ‘Why are you behaving rudely of late? I should be the one acting indignantly right now.’

  ‘Why? Is it because I did not reply on time or because I did not reply at all? Neither should be a problem because you treat me in the same way,’ she retorted.

  ‘No. I’m not immature enough to be angry for either of these reasons. In fact, I didn’t even think about it,’ he said and flinched at her tone.

  ‘I didn’t reply to your message deliberately. I wanted to meet you in person,’ she said.

  ‘Why?’ he asked. The eyebrow cocked again.

  ‘Ahmar, I . . .’ she trailed off mid-sentence.

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  ‘Didn’t you call me here to talk to me about something?’ Zarish asked.

  Ahmar could feel the uneasiness mounting in her demeanour.

  ‘Fine. Please calm down. I did not intend to hurt you. I was just teasing you. Please drink your coffee,’ he clarified.

  Zarish took a long sip and fell back on the chair.

  ‘I didn’t know you flirt with other girls as well,’ she hissed.

  ‘So, has it upset you?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ she said, her anger rising.

  ‘Why do you get agitated and become hyperactive?’ he asked her with surprise. ‘Why can’t you be more composed?’

  ‘That’s you, Sir. Not me,’ she said. It was the truth.

  Ahmar inhaled slowly and then exhaled. He took a sip of coffee from his cup.

  ‘That is the problem. You can’t be like me,’ he said briskly.

  ‘No. The problem is that you want me to become like you but you see yourself failing miserably in this. I am nothing like you and you cannot swallow defeat. I have my own personality. Why should I be like you?’ she responded.

  He could not believe what she was saying.

  ‘This is the problem, Sir. You do not accept me the way I am,’ she spoke again, this time adding some more sarcasm in her tone.

  ‘Don’t overreact,’ he said and fumbled with the papers on his table. ‘Let me finish checking these papers. I have to submit them to the controller of examinations by tomorrow. It is important,’ he said, ignoring all she had just said.

  Zarish was amazed. ‘How can he act as if nothing has happened?’ she thought.

  ‘In the meanwhile, you can finish your coffee,’ he said, pointing at her cup without meeting her eyes.

  ‘I don’t want anything and I am certainly not overreacting,’ she said aggressively, sliding the cup of coffee away from her with some force.

  The cup rattled on the table, teetered for a bit and fell on its side, spilling the coffee across the table, staining the papers too. It was an accident, she had not intended it. She jumped up from her seat as the small pool of brown liquid swelled around the papers he had begun to correct.

  ‘Oh!’ she gasped. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘What the hell have you done?’ he shouted, jumping off his seat.

  It made her tremble a little in fear.

  ‘Do you not realize how important these papers are?’ he yelled.

  Zarish had never seen Ahmar like this and it shocked her.

  ‘You know what? You were right. You are not at all close to being like me,’ he said.

  His words sent another tremor through her; this time through her entire body. She started to tremble again.

  ‘It’s because you are an emotional fool!’ he snapped.

  Ahmar noticed that her eyes started to well with tears but it seemed to aggravate him more.

  ‘Damn!’ he said and ran his fingers through his hair.

  Zarish stood still in front of him, wiping the tears that were now streaming down her face.

  Zarish expected Ahmar to say these things because she knew the intensity of his anger. But ever since she had fallen in love with him, and since she assumed that he too was in love with her, it had become difficult to absorb the disappointment. Things were not the same as before.

  Zarish had entwined hope and expectations with this relationship. Though she had not declared her feelings to Ahmar, Zarish had already told Saleha about it and believed it herself as well. She no longer needed to confirm or test what she felt for Ahmar. His harsh words did have an emotional impact on her earlier, but now they started to affect her physically as well. She felt her forehead pulse in pain when she heard him call her ‘an emotional fool’.

  ‘Yes. I am an emotional fool,’ she muttered finally. It seemed as if she had spoken in a state of semi-consciousness.

  Ahmar did not believe what she had just said. He thought that perhaps he had heard her wrong.

  ‘I was a fool to fall in love with you,’ she declared at last.

  He was stunned on hearing this untimed, unexpected confession. Zarish too could never have imagined that she would declare her feelings to him in such a situation, a moment of crisis or that she would be the first to say it, before he did.

  ‘A big fool,’ she sniffed, as a fat teardrop rolled down her cheek.

  ‘What did you say?’ Ahmar asked, the incredulity and shock mounting on his face.

  ‘Yes, Mr Ahmar . . . that’s right. I am in love with you,’ she said, wiping away the tears.

  Ahmar did not know how to respond to her sudden confession an
d ran his fingers through his hair anxiously.

  ‘Zarish . . . just listen to me,’ he said, trying to calm her down.

  She raised her hand, gesturing him not to say anything.

  ‘Zarish . . .’ Before he could say anything, she dashed out of his office, hiding her tears. He remained motionless, feeling guilty and disappointed.

  ‘Damn. Damn. Damn!’ He banged his fists angrily against the table. He sat back and held his head in his hands. Her last words echoed repeatedly in his ears.

  ‘I was a fool to fall in love with you.’

  ‘Yes, Mr Ahmar . . . that’s right. I am in love with you.’

  All of a sudden, he remembered his father’s words: ‘Are you dumb? This girl is madly in love with you. Her eyes say everything. Never let her go.’

  ‘No, no, no. I cannot let her walk away. I have to talk to her,’ Ahmar said to himself.

  He was out of the door in a flash. But the pain of disappointment stabbed him in his chest when he saw her in Haroon’s arms. Perhaps Haroon was only comforting her.

  ‘Does he know she loves me? What would he think?’ Ahmar wondered. Without looking for answers to his questions, he stepped back and left. He drove the car recklessly, his mind still imagining Zarish in Haroon’s arms. He took out a pack of cigarettes from the dashboard and lit one quickly. He knew she was not like him. In fact, she was the exact opposite of him: stubborn, aggressive and proud. She was a girl who cried on scoring low marks; she was shallow, overemotional and weak. She was not a book person like him. They had contrasting personalities. However, she had a good side to her. She was caring, supportive, motivating and at times funny too. Above all, she knew how to love, and this quality of hers overshadowed everything else. She was not like other girls; there was something unusual about her. He had not been attracted to anyone for a while. In fact, he had dumped his feelings in a dead corner of his heart. But Zarish had managed to pull him out from that state of mind. She had taught him to love again.

  Ahmar hoped to live a normal life with the one he loved. Would that be Zarish? This question startled him. She had confessed her love for him. Instead of reciprocating, he had let her walk away.

  He soon reached home. But instead of going inside, he sat outside on the porch. When Muraad came home, he found his son sitting alone, brooding over something. Ahmar was completely oblivious to his father’s presence. His body did not move an inch. A shadow crossed Muraad’s face when he found his son in this state.

  ‘Ahmar?’ He patted him on his thigh lightly, startling him.

  ‘Dad?’ Ahmar turned around to look at his father.

  ‘Yes son. Are you okay?’ Muraad asked, firmly holding his hand.

  ‘Yes. I am all right,’ he said with a sigh.

  ‘But you don’t look fine. You might be physically present here, but your mind is wandering somewhere else. Tell me what is bothering you? See, I am your father and you cannot hide anything from me.’

  Ahmar looked at him but didn’t say anything.

  ‘What is bothering you?’ Muraad asked again.

  They sat in complete silence for a while.

  ‘Zarish,’ Ahmar whispered after a while.

  His father was the only person with whom he could share his feelings.

  ‘What about her?’

  ‘I don’t think I deserve her. I am not good enough for her.’

  ‘Why? You are the perfect man for her. What’s wrong with you?’

  Muraad narrowed his brows in confusion.

  ‘We are very different from each other. We have contrasting views and personalities. I don’t think I am the right person for her. She deserves better,’ Ahmar explained.

  ‘Why are you underestimating yourself, Ahmar? This makes you sound like a loser,’ Muraad replied in a disgruntled manner.

  ‘I’m not a loser, Dad.’ Ahmar sighed again. ‘We have very different perspectives. We want different things from life. There will always be a conflict between us. I do not think we are made for each other. And I cannot have a relationship with my student. I should not even think about it. It seems so unscrupulous and immoral. What will my students think of me? They will despise me!’

  ‘Nothing is immoral, son. Love can never be immoral,’ Muraad said, adding, ‘see, it is very simple. There is an old saying that opposites attract. She likes you because she found something unusual in you and that is why she was keen on knowing you. On the other hand, you fancy her because she evoked your innermost desires. Love is like a magnet. Despite having nothing in common, you get attracted towards each other. Nature compels you to do so.’

  Ahmar listened to his father intently.

  ‘Your mother and I were also poles apart yet we fell in love,’ Muraad continued, adding, ‘son, love has no boundaries. It is free from all discriminations; it is limitless. You have your entire life to discover her and vice versa. I am sure your love will only grow with time. So, do not give up. Be a man and go and propose to her before it’s too late.’

  Muraad patted him on his thigh, and added, ‘And do not bother about what the world will say about you.’

  Ahmar shut his eyes and thought about what had happened in his office. He felt like killing himself for treating her like that. Despite being called an emotional fool, she had still confessed her feelings to him. ‘How courageous of her,’ he thought.

  ‘I know you love her. Admit it to yourself first and then confess it to her,’ Muraad said.

  A guilt-stricken Ahmar uncovered his eyes to look at his father.

  ‘Even if she loves you, you can’t expect her to say it first. She is a woman and she expects you to tell her how you feel,’ Muraad said.

  After listening to his father’s advice, Ahmar felt guiltier. He knew what he had done could not be forgiven. He was supposed to tell her how he felt but the opposite had happened.

  ‘There might be a problem, Dad,’ Ahmar said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I spoke to her rudely again. I don’t know if she would want to talk to me now. God. I’m so pathetic,’ Ahmar said, sighing.

  ‘Don’t overthink. Just go and talk to her,’ Muraad suggested.

  Zarish and Haroon were sitting in his car in utter silence. All this while, she had not spoken a single word. Though Zarish was stubborn, she was not emotional. Haroon knew this about her.

  ‘Will you say something now?’ He broke the silence.

  She sniffed and rubbed her nose with her forefinger. She wanted to tell him everything. After all, he was her best friend and would understand her. However, she decided to stay silent. What was the point when Ahmar was not even interested in her. Saleha’s warnings whirled in her mind.

  ‘Zarish?’ he asked again.

  ‘I’m fine. I was . . . I was just missing you,’ she lied.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Hmm.’ She nodded and wiped her tears.

  ‘Surprisingly, you have never reacted like this before, no matter how much you’ve missed me. At least, don’t lie to me. I don’t expect that from you.’

  ‘Don’t you trust me, Haroon?’ she asked.

  He suddenly placed his hand on her wrist and squeezed it.

  ‘Hey, I didn’t mean that,’ he clarified. ‘I am just saying if there is any other issue, you can share it with me. I am your best friend, and I will understand.’

  ‘I know, Haroon. I am really glad to have you beside me, but for now, I am okay.’ She held his hand tightly.

  He smiled at her, his eyes brimming with love. For her, he was just a friend, but for Haroon she was his entire world. He hit on other girls for fun, but deep inside his heart desired Zarish. However, she was clueless about his feelings. Haroon had always wanted to tell her how he felt, but something or the other had stopped him. It was mostly fear; the fear of losing her. What if Zarish didn’t love him the way he loved her? What if she considered him only a dear friend? He could lose her forever. But he also knew that there was no other man in her life and that she would eventually marry him.
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  That night Zarish did not eat properly. She could not. Zarina and Zia cajoled her, but she refused.

  ‘Is she having some problems with Haroon these days?’ Zia asked Zarina.

  ‘I don’t know. She never tells me anything,’ Zarina replied.

  Later that night, as she lay curled up in her bed, she made a promise to herself. She decided not to talk to Ahmar about it ever again. Love and self-respect were important aspects of her life. She could not let one take over and crush the other. She needed to create a balance between the two. Though she loved him passionately, she could not sacrifice or lose her dignity. She did not fear his reaction any more and was ready to face him at the university without any guilt or embarrassment.

  The next day, she woke up determined to ignore Ahmar as much as possible. He was nothing more than a teacher. If he believed that they could not be together because they were different, now was the time to prove him right. She would become the person he wanted her to be: unemotional, cold.

  On the other hand, Ahmar was feeling the exact opposite. Following his father’s advice, he had decided to tell her how he actually felt. But he first had to apologize.

  Now that he knew how she felt, it was quite easy to convince her. It had taken him a great deal of time to realize and accept the truth—that she loved him. His father’s words had changed his viewpoint. He had made him realize that it was not too difficult to fall in love again.

  He was in a good mood, happy at the prospect of seeing her. He had thought of sending her a message but then had decided against it. He knew she was angry with him. He stopped at a florist and bought flowers, white and red roses, to pacify her.

  On his way to the class, he met Saleha and Maha.

  ‘Hello,’ he greeted them with a warm smile.

  They exchanged a quick glance and seemed a bit uncomfortable in his company. They also noticed the bouquet in his hands.

  ‘Good morning, Sir. How are you?’ Saleha replied.

  ‘I’m good. How about you?’ he asked eagerly.

  ‘We’re doing great,’ Maha replied.

  ‘Great. I don’t see your third companion with you. Is she here yet?’ he asked, hinting at Zarish.