Gregory

by Dale Mayer

  “I so am,” Dennis said. “What’s eating you today?”

  “Nothing any different than any other day,” he said. “What have you got that’ll heal me and get me back up on my feet faster?”

  “Well, a plate of veggies and a plate of meat. How’s that?”

  “Maybe some carbs because I’m tired,” he said with a yawn. With three plates, he shook his head as Dennis piled them up with food on the tray on his lap. He made his way down to the cutlery and tried to get some water, but Dennis leaned around the canteen and said, “You go pick out a table, and I’ll get you some drinks.”

  Maneuvering carefully, Gregory made his way to the far end of the deck in the sun. As he unloaded his tray, Dennis arrived with a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a carton of milk.

  “Why the milk?” he asked in surprise.

  “Calcium,” Dennis replied. “With all that work, you need calcium.” And he smiled, moved his empty tray and said, “Enjoy.”

  Gregory stared at the food and just shook his head. There was enough here for two people, and that just brought him back to remembering Meredith. They’d had every meal together in those first few weeks. Hating the memories, and yet, loving them at the same time, he attacked his steak with more gusto than needed, but, as soon as he popped the first bite in his mouth, he immediately slowed down and moaned in delight. It was tender, tasty and cooked perfectly. After that, finishing his meal was no problem at all. Dennis came around with another bottle of water, motioned at his plate and said, “You only ate half your vegetables.”

  “I’m working on it,” Gregory said with a smile. “But you gave me a lot.”

  “Should have eaten your vegetables first,” he said. “And then the meat. Your body needs the easily digested nutrition.”

  “It does, so I thought I’d sit here for a bit, then finish eating.”

  “Good idea,” Dennis said. “Don’t make me come back and have to pick up leftovers.” And he took off again.

  Gregory smiled as Dennis walked away. How had everybody here gotten to be so friendly? He knew people at the other center too, but they weren’t like this. They weren’t invested in his care. Or maybe the truth was they weren’t invested in him.

  He had thought for sure Meredith was part of the group invested in his healing process, which made her absence these weeks all the more puzzling.

  On top of that, she’d been always friendly when he did see her, so it was as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing had ever happened.

  But something had, and it was definitely troubling.

  Finally, he finished his vegetables, pushed the plate back out of his way and slouched in his wheelchair. His back was killing him. It was definitely time to go back to bed and to stretch out again, but it was sad because the weather was beautiful. A light breeze took away the hot stifling air that he’d noticed earlier, and, if he sat here long enough, the sun would go down, and a beautiful sunset would happen.

  Except he’d be watching it alone.

  And, at that, he realized how pathetic it was that he’d be sitting here all alone, staring at the evening. He had to stop mooning over her. She was friendly, professional, and that was it. Their time together was gone, not to mention that who he was before was gone, never to return. It was better he accepted that now and moved on.

  On that note, he pulled his wheelchair away from the table, turned and slowly headed to his room for the night. It would be another night hiding away. This time not from physical pain but from emotional pain.

  Maybe soon, if he was lucky, he’d finally get over losing her.

  Chapter 13

  Meredith worked hard for the next few days. She hated this arrangement that the others had forced on her, but she would do her part. It felt unnatural, and she felt certain that Gregory would know this wasn’t her idea. It was easier to avoid him than to be so professional with him, not to mention it hurt her to see him suffer.

  He looked lonely, and at times he looked worse than that. He looked despondent, and she could feel her own anger rising up within. But there was no outlet for her except more work—since she was avoiding the pool now that Gregory had his workouts there—so that’s what she did. She dove into work yet again, cleaning up the shelves, getting the backlog of paperwork taken care of. Washing and scrubbing anything and everything to try to keep her mind off him.

  On the third day, she sat down at her computer, feeling an edginess sliding through her system. She looked up to see both Dani and Shane frowning at her. Meredith immediately frowned right back. She didn’t say anything but waited for them to speak.

  “Houston, we have a problem,” Shane said in a funny voice.

  “What kind of problem is that?” she asked, returning her gaze to the screen.

  “He’s hit a wall,” Shane said bluntly.

  Immediately her gaze flew back to him. “Gregory? What kind of wall?” She tried hard to keep the worry out of her voice, but both of them heard it. Meredith could tell from their voices when they next spoke. She sagged back against her chair and said, “What’s happening with him?”

  “He’s gone from anger—which is great, we’ve gotten rid of most of that—and now he’s incredibly depressed,” Shane said softly. “And I think that’s back to you again.”

  She raised both hands in frustration. “What do you want from me?” she cried out. “It’s hard on me too, you know?”

  He nodded. “I know it is. That’s why we’re here.”

  She glared at him. “And what exactly are you here for?”

  He glanced over at Dani.

  Dani picked up the conversation. “We think it’s time to stop the enforced separation.”

  “I see,” she said mutinously, perversely not wanting to have anything to do with Gregory just because they said so again. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to tell herself to back off and to calm down and that they were looking at it from a perspective she wasn’t detached enough to see. “And how am I supposed to do that?”

  “Well, you could be friendlier to him,” Shane said.

  “He needs an explanation,” Meredith said quietly. “Otherwise, I’m just blowing hot and cold and hot and cold again. Nobody needs that. Neither him nor me.”

  “And it’s okay to tell him exactly what’s happening,” Shane said. “Maybe that’s what needs to be done so that he understands that you didn’t have a choice.”

  She frowned, picked up a pencil and flipped it end over end between her fingers. She studied the pencil but could only see Gregory’s face. “I saw him this morning,” she said abruptly. “He looked almost despondent. Depressed.”

  “Which is why it’s time to shift things again. There was this massive well of anger inside him,” Dani said. “With that drained out, he’s now left with this empty hole. And, with nothing good to fill it, he’s filling it with the negative.”

  Slowly Meredith nodded. “And I guess we have seen that before too, haven’t we?” She stared at Dani and then looked at Shane. Both of them nodded. “It’s easier from where you guys stand,” she complained, though she felt more balanced. “It’s hard from here. I’m not detached enough to accept the games you’re playing, even though I’ve participated in them before.”

  “Which is why it was so important to have you back off initially,” Dani said gently.

  “And why it’s equally important now that you stop backing off and step forward,” Shane said.

  The two of them stepped out and walked toward the hallway.

  Shane called back, “I know it’s not something you can turn off and on like that, but sometime today would be good.” And the two of them disappeared.

  Long after they were gone, she sat here, trying to work, but her mind was consumed with what she was supposed to do now.

  She had seen that look on Gregory’s face; she had seen that horrible sense of his loss. But she didn’t know what was causing that. She highly doubted it was her, but, if it was, then she and Gregory needed to clear the a
ir. Because Shane’s words had struck a chord. She had a well of emptiness inside her too. And it had been there for five long years.

  At lunchtime, she walked into the cafeteria, her mind still consumed with Gregory. She quickly made herself a salad and went to sit out on the deck. No sign of Gregory. She dawdled over her salad, watching who came in, her antennae always up and looking for him, of course, but still, she saw no sign of him.

  Finally, she finished eating, put away her dishes and headed down the stairs to the pool area, wondering if he was there. But it was empty. Stumped, more than a little upset at the situation and upset at herself for not being able to let it go, she walked out to the animals and wandered around. Off to the far side, a good two hundred yards away, down one of the lonelier stretches of the pathway, was a wheelchair with somebody sitting in it. In her heart of hearts, she knew it would be Gregory.

  Frowning, not sure if it was the right time but unable to leave him alone like that, Meredith walked over to make sure it was him. Sure enough, he sat here, staring at the animals.

  “I’m surprised to find you here,” she said when she got closer.

  Startled, he looked up at her, shrugged and said, “It’s not like I can leave.”

  “Ouch,” she said with a bright smile. “Maybe not, but I hear you have a prosthetic leg coming pretty quick.”

  “They’ve been telling me that for days,” he said. “I think it’s just a catch-all answer.”

  “Meaning, you haven’t got it yet?”

  “No,” he said, “and it would be nice to get it. I’d love to walk independently.”

  “Understood. I’ll take a look for it when I get back to the office.” She frowned. “If I recall correctly, it should have arrived a week ago.”

  “That’s what Shane said, but sometimes I wonder if Shane is telling the truth.” On that note, he gave her a cryptic look, turned his wheelchair around and said, “See you later.” And he rolled away from her.

  She stood here for a long moment, wondering what else she could have said. But he’d left it kind of cut-and-dried and left her without much to say. She followed behind him at a slower pace and waited until he disappeared before she headed back to her office. As soon as she was there, she checked in with Dani about Gregory’s prosthetic.

  “It’s been delayed twice,” Dani said, sighing. “It should have been here already.”

  “I know that’s part of his depression,” she said. “He also seems to be either upset or maybe suspicious of Shane right now.” She quickly explained the conversation she had with Gregory.

  “Probably because of Shane’s part in all this,” Dani said. “Shane worked him hard in order to get some of that bottled-up emotion out, and no one ever really likes the messenger of bad news.”

  “I know,” Meredith said quietly. “Well, maybe I’ll talk to Gregory a little bit later, see how he is.”

  “I’ve shifted the roster, so he’s back on your list again,” Dani said.

  “Okay, I’ll do a checkup in another hour or so.” She started her rounds again, checking on everybody, making sure those who needed medication got it and the rest were either at their appointed sessions or were resting and didn’t need anything else.

  By the time she got to Gregory—she’d left him for last—it was almost four p.m. She was hoping he was done with his therapy, but she also understood that Shane had tacked on the pool workout some days. She knocked on his door, heard a shout to come in and pushed open the door. He sat on the side of his bed, looking a whole lot worse for the wear. She winced. “Ouch, you look like you’re sore today.”

  He shot her a hard look. “This is nothing. Today is actually a huge improvement over the last few weeks.”

  “Good,” she said with forced cheerfulness. “You’re back on my roster, so I’m checking to see if you need anything.” She studied his muscles and continued, “I know you may not have been terribly happy with Shane’s methods, but your body has really, really developed since you’ve been here.” Meredith sounded enthusiastic, even to her own ears. She walked closer, studying the damage along his back. “Wow,” she exclaimed. “That’s a huge difference.”

  “Is there?” he asked, almost with indifference.

  “I’ll show you.” Impulsively she put her pencils and papers down, picked up her tablet, took a picture and showed it to him.

  He looked at it and just shrugged.

  “Sure, you may not see the difference,” she chided, “but here’s the before picture.” It took her a moment to pull up the before picture that she had in her files from when he’d first arrived and had come with medical photos showing the damage. She put the two of them side by side and held it out to him.

  He studied one and then the other, and his eyebrows shot up. “Oh, wow. I feel like I need to frame that.”

  She nodded. “You do. I think one of the worst things people can do is not take that before picture because then they never have anything to realize how far they’ve come. You have come so far,” she said. “You should be feeling damn proud of yourself.”

  But his gaze, when he looked at the photos, was hooded. “Maybe. I need to be proud of something I’ve done. Seems like all I’ve done the rest of my life is the wrong thing.”

  That was the opening she needed. “In what way?” He hesitated, but she didn’t want to let him off the hook. “Joining the navy was exactly what you wanted to do,” she said. “It was your passion. That means it was the right thing to do.”

  He looked up at her. “Even when I lost out on a wife and a family?”

  Her breath caught in the back of her throat, but she nodded slowly. “For that,” she said, “even if you’re not talking about you and me, I do owe you an apology.”

  He reared back slightly and looked up at her in surprise.

  She nodded. “I was thinking of me at the time. I wasn’t thinking of you. I’m not normally selfish, but then I hadn’t come up against something that I really, really wanted for myself until I met you. I wanted you, and I didn’t want to lose you to the navy again.” She continued, “So I’m sorry. I made the wrong decision back then, and I didn’t think things through, and I didn’t think of your perspective.”

  He stared at her, shocked.

  She winced. “And I understand if that’s not what you were trying to talk about, and I’m sorry because I probably shouldn’t have brought it up.” She snagged up her paperwork, gave him a quick glance and said, “I’ll make sure I send you this picture.”

  And she disappeared. As soon as she bolted out of his room and down the hallway, she felt like a fool. But, at the same time, she felt a cleansing inside. She’d said what she needed to say. Maybe, just maybe, she could finally move on too.

  Gregory stared in shock at the doorway where she disappeared. His session today had been harder than normal, forcing him to adapt again. Even when he went to the gym for a workout, sometimes everything went smooth and easy, and the next time it was like moving through molasses, and he could not muster up any energy. Today was one of those days. Seeing her earlier had just made him even more upset, and then finding out he was back on her roster, and she would now be seeing him on a regular basis but only professionally, … well, that hurt.

  But to hear what she had just said? … He didn’t even know what to say. He hadn’t been talking about their relationship. He’d been talking about other decisions he’d made in life. But maybe he should have been talking about their relationship. Instead, she had been the one to bring it up, but not in the way he’d expected.

  She’d apologized for making the wrong decision, for not understanding his point of view. Well, he’d been exactly the same; he hadn’t understood her point of view. He loved to think that she had thought he was something that she really, really wanted for herself. It’s the way he’d felt about her too, but he couldn’t walk away from his loyalty to country and his career. It was part of who he was, the most honorable part. As he’d stared at his busted-up body and thought what it
had done for him, his this is where I’m at now body, it hurt that she hadn’t even mentioned now.

  She’d been all about yesterday, the past. And he was hung up on that, hating the fact that everything she’d said had been in the past tense. What he figured they needed to do was let the past go and see if there was anything they had to move forward with. He knew that he wanted a relationship with her, but he wasn’t exactly offering her much at this point in time. He didn’t even have a career anymore, whereas she was a nurse. And look at this place where she worked; it was fantastic. She lived here, all her meals, everything was taken care of. How could he pull her away from that for a life he couldn’t even think about? He stared out the window, feeling his heart wrenching, as he realized that they were better off going their own ways.

  Gregory straightened slowly, feeling his body had aged considerably since the injury. He quickly changed into swimming trunks, got back into the wheelchair, wondering where his damn prosthetic leg was, and made it down to the pool.

  He locked the wheels, and, without giving himself any chance to think, he dove in again. Tired and moving a whole lot slower than normal, he just kept going, length after length after length. When he finally stopped, he was afraid he’d overdone it. When he tried to pull himself out and fell back into the water, he looked up to find Shane sitting there.

  “Feel better?” Shane asked. “Or did you overdo it again?” His face was creased with worry, and his tone said that he knew exactly what Gregory was going through.

  “No, I’m fine,” Gregory said. “Just sad and grieving. A hope that I had held on to needs to go into the past and stay there.”

  Shane studied his face for a moment while Gregory wiped the water off and struggled up the ladder to sit on the edge of the pool.

  “The thing about the past,” Shane said finally, “is that you can’t ever bring it into the present. But whatever was in the past, if it was good, there’s no need for it to be bad now either. Remember the good and recreate it in the present and make something better out of it.”