Trial by Silence

by Perumal Murugan

  How could she expect him to come to her? Would he step inside a whorehouse? After having called her that, how would he look her in the eye? But she continued to yearn for him. And she did not know what to think of her fickle mind which continued to seek him out despite everything. Perhaps her mind hoped he would come and apologize for calling her that? Ponna even knew how his knock would sound on the door. If he came at the early part of the night when people might have just fallen asleep, he would tread softly like a cat. And he would gently rap on the door—like a rat gnawing at a piece of coconut. But if he came later, in the middle of the night, he knocked twice. It was the sound of a single knuckle tapping on the door. If he arrived early in the morning, he would use his entire palm on the door.

  In these various ways, she had mapped him out as sounds in the night. Even now, she awaited his arrival. He knew that the dogs in the village would bark if he walked through the main streets. So he took a circuitous route home. That meant he would have to walk past two or three fields. He somehow managed not to alert any of the dogs on the farms on the way and slip in through the gate in the backyard fence. On those nights, she’d say to him, ‘There might be dangerous insects about in the fields. Don’t go now. Eat something and spend the night here.’ But he would reply, ‘I like it this way. I come whenever I think of you. It makes me happy.’ And she would angrily respond, ‘Does that mean you are not thinking of me all the time?’ He would laugh at this, saying, ‘I think of you all the time. But I feel this need only now and then.’ Did that mean he did not feel that need for her over the past two months? Had he forgotten her? What if he never came to her again? Was her life with him over? These anxieties kept her awake well into the night. And she did not know when she fell asleep.

  He did come that night—well past midnight. She had dozed off, but she heard his footsteps. She woke up hurriedly and listened carefully. Those were definitely his footsteps—two feet planting themselves with equal force on the ground. The sound grew louder. He was climbing up the stairs out front. Then he came to a stop at the porch. And the sounds died.

  He had stopped right outside, and she heard very clearly the sound of his knuckle on the door. She rose from the cot in a rush. She usually put out the lamp before going to bed and only kept a window open. But the matchbox was right next to the lamp. She lit it quickly. Then she heard the knock on the door again. It was definitely him. It was a single large door with a wooden latch. She had to press the door away from her and slowly remove the latch. Otherwise, it would make a loud noise which could awaken everyone. She could see that he was pulling the door towards him on the outside to make the task easy for her. She released the latch.

  From the darkness outside, he stepped into the light. She stood with her head lowered, indicating that she did not want to look at him. He closed the door quietly. He then came closer to her right away and gathered her in an embrace. She tried to wiggle away, refusing to be contained in his embrace. ‘Come on,’ he said, and held her tighter. She stopped resisting him. He gently lifted her face up with his hand. Her tears glittered in the light from the lamp. ‘Are you angry with me?’ he said. ‘It was a mistake. I don’t know how that word came to my lips. But you sensed it right away. I will never ever call you that again.’

  And she said, crying, ‘But you did say it once. What about that?’

  ‘For that, hit me with your own hand,’ he said, and took her hand in his and struck himself with it across his face. Feeling sorry for him, she pulled back her hand. But he held on tight and hit himself on his mouth with her hand, saying, ‘Please hit me until your anger subsides. Hit this mouth for using that word.’ His lips reddened. Scared, she pulled her hand away. Then she placed her lips on his, in an attempt to soothe them. That one touch conveyed all her yearning and suffering. He moved her to the cot.

  It was a large cot made with coir ropes. Once their wedding was fixed, he had the carpenter in Anjoor make it according to the specific measurements he had given. The cot’s four legs were made of neem wood, the frame from portia wood. It was spacious enough for two people to lie down comfortably. In fact, when he got it made, Kali was too embarrassed to let anyone in the village see it. He was afraid they would tease him. So he brought it in his bullock cart one night from the carpenter’s to his barnyard. Another night, he brought it here to the house in the village. Even Seerayi teased him: ‘Why do you need such a big cot!’ But Ponna was very fond of that cot. Kali had wanted aloe coir ropes for the cot, because they were gentle on the body.

  They lay down on the cot. She turned to look at him. There were tears in his eyes. She wiped them away immediately. ‘Please don’t cry, Maama,’ she said.

  ‘I have tormented you way too much, haven’t I?’ he said, sadly.

  Weeping, she said, ‘You call me anything you want. You have the right. But please don’t abandon me. I can’t bear it.’

  He pinched her cheek, saying, ‘I will never leave you alone for even a single day, my dear. And I won’t blame you for anything.’

  Then she found herself trapped under him. He nuzzled his face against hers. Now she took him in fully. He was in no hurry. He gradually entered every cell of her body. And she felt him enter her.

  THIRTEEN

  Ponna slept in the next morning. She did not know a new day had dawned.

  Seerayi, on the other hand, woke up early and left for the fields. Her presence in the farmstead served as an incentive for Kali to engage himself in farming activities. Otherwise, he simply sat on his cot, staring at the ceiling. So she took off very early from the house, when it was still quite dark. She did not wake Ponna up. Her idea was to spend a little time in the barnyard and then return home to pick up some food for Kali. Ponna would be up and about by then and she would have also made some food. Porasa, who lived next door and was struggling to handle her children, was quite jealous of Ponna. Once she even said out loud that Ponna was living an enviable life. After all, Ponna didn’t have to do any work. She just had to do some cooking, eat it, and go sit in the fields for a little while. ‘What a lucky life,’ thought Porasa.

  She expressed her envy to Seerayi, who happened to walk by her house that morning. ‘Are we all lucky enough to sleep well past daybreak? We have given birth to little children and so we have to run after them. But some people are still sleeping!’ Saying this, she subtly pointed towards Ponna’s house. Seerayi smiled but kept on walking. She was scared of Ponna’s sharp tongue. If she said anything in response to Porasa’s remark now, she knew it was likely to reach Ponna’s ears soon. Porasa, however, was hoping Ponna would step out soon and she could make some sarcastic remark about the day just dawning for Ponna. But Ponna did not give her that satisfaction. So Porasa had to leave for the fields, her wish unfulfilled.

  It was late in the morning when Seerayi returned home. The night before, Ponna had cooked some pap with nakkiri greens. She wondered if Ponna was going to offer her the leftovers with curd or if she had cooked something fresh. But she found Ponna’s door closed, and she panicked, thinking Ponna might have done something to herself. None of the neighbours were around; they had all left for the day’s work in the fields. Seerayi banged on Ponna’s door with great urgency and panic, calling out, ‘Ponna! Ponna!’

  Ponna heard that voice as though it was part of her dream. Kali has come to me after so long. Why is this old hag bothering us now? She might wake Kali up. Ponna was annoyed, and she reached over to the other side of the bed, addressing Kali, ‘Maama.’ But he was not there. When did he leave? She did not remember waking up to lock the door behind him. If it was not locked, Seerayi wouldn’t be knocking now. Even though all these thoughts raced through her mind, she still couldn’t open her eyes. She just mumbled ‘Mmm’ in response.

  Seerayi was relieved to hear that. She then called out more forcefully, ‘Ponna!’

  That made Ponna sit up with a jolt. She rubbed her eyes and opened them a little. At first, she thought it was still dark. Then, as she opened her eyes some m
ore, she saw daylight streaming through the gaps between the roof tiles. Seerayi was still knocking at the door. Ponna responded, ‘I am coming, Atthai.’ So Seerayi stopped knocking and waited for Ponna to open the door. Inside, Ponna stood up, holding on to the cot for balance. Did Kali suck away all her energy the night before? Her sari was not even a little out of place, but she did not remember tying it back up in the night. Did Kali really come to her? She felt dizzy. She thought she would collapse even if she dared to take just one step forward. She continued to hold on to the cot and extended her arms to brace herself against the wall. Then she walked forward, one hand on the wall for support. She could see that daylight had now spread all over the house. How did Kali leave and manage to latch the door on the inside? The latch looked like it had not been disturbed at all. She opened it with much effort.

  When she opened the door, the brightness of the day hit her with a force that unsettled her. She held on to the door to keep her bearings. Seerayi rushed in, saying, ‘Ponna! What happened?’ She helped Ponna stand up. But Ponna was not able to express how she was feeling. She just wanted to go and lie down again. So she walked back to the cot with Seerayi’s help and lay down on it. Seerayi placed her hand on Ponna’s forehead to see if she had a fever. But no.

  Ponna asked her in a soft voice, ‘Where is your son?’

  Seerayi said, ‘Where else? He is in the barnyard, he has become one of the cattle.’

  Ponna asked hesitantly, ‘So he didn’t come here?’

  Seerayi said, ‘Why would he come here? Wait. Let me heat up some water for you. Looks like you are not well.’ And she went to light up the stove. Ponna was feeling better now that she was lying down with her eyes closed.

  Kali had come to her for sure. Otherwise, why would she feel this massive physical exhaustion and body ache? He had come and released two months of pent-up desire on her. He had been with her in the night. Why else would her body feel this way? Kali expressed his passion in various ways. He had once explained, ‘One day, it is the toddy from aamaram tree. It goes straight to the head. Another day, it is toddy from the pommaram tree. It is sweet and it takes its time to hit you. If it is toddy tapped from the tender spathe, it has absolutely no effect. But if it is from the mature spathe, all you need to drink is one glass.’ Sometimes, when he was like the toddy from aamaram tree, he was so overcome with desire that he had no control over himself. He would even forget that it was a body he was dealing with, a body with bones and muscles. He would treat her body like the folded veshti he wore on his waist. He would do as he pleased with it. He’d fold her, roll her, unfold her. He wouldn’t listen to her protests. It was not easy to deal with his rough and strong hands.

  Seerayi woke Ponna up again once the hot water was ready. Ponna walked outside with Seerayi, holding her for support. She then sat down and rinsed out her mouth with some warm water. She felt a bitterness coating her tongue, as though a lot of phlegm had got caught in her throat. When she took some more water in her mouth to gargle, she retched intensely. Since it caught her by surprise, she could not control herself and she lurched forward and spat it out. It fell a good distance away. And the retching did not stop. Her stomach was empty but she felt the urge to keep trying to spit something out. It was all so forceful that she felt her intestines would come out. Seerayi, who was holding her head, said, ‘Ponna! This is it for sure!’ and smiled. Ponna did not understand. She was tired and annoyed and looked up at Seerayi, who then said softly, ‘Our prayers have been answered. The deity has come into your womb now!’ Seerayi could not contain her excitement. She rushed into the house, brought some ash from the stove and, thinking of it as holy ash, made a mark with it on Ponna’s head.

  Ponna was both surprised and shocked. Seerayi kept talking, ‘It has been two months since you had your menses. In fact, this is the third month. Remember? I have been keeping track of it. You have not washed and hung the sanitary cloths anywhere here or in the barnyard. I did wonder if you were drying them somewhere else out of my sight. But considering how you two have been, I was too scared to ask. But I was expecting this!’ Ponna started crying. She was not sure she wanted this. ‘Why are you crying?’ said Seerayi. ‘Everything will be all right. Don’t cry thinking of him, that dog! A child will melt even the hardest of hearts. Once you have a child, all his anger will go away, all worry and sorrow will vanish.’ Seerayi cast her gaze outside to see if any people were about. But there was no one. Then she found a piece of dried ginger she had put inside the spice box long ago and made some dried ginger concoction for Ponna to drink. It only took her a few minutes to make it.

  Seerayi was overcome with excitement at this development. She said to Ponna, ‘It will be difficult for a little while with all this retching and sickness. You just have to be patient.’ She caressed Ponna’s head with great affection.

  Ponna began to feel better once she started drinking the hot ginger concoction. ‘God did not give me this,’ she found the strength to say. ‘My husband gave me this. He was with me last night. He told me all sorts of things. It is he who has given me this.’ Her eyes brightened with joy.

  ‘All right,’ said Seerayi. ‘Your husband gave you this. He is such a paragon of generosity. He came flying to you to give you this. I won’t contradict that. We have suffered so much. But we have it now. Feel happy, don’t cry. Your maama will act funny in the beginning, but you should not let that upset you. That’s not good for the child growing inside you, all right?’ And she wiped away Ponna’s tears. She had never spoken such comforting words to Ponna before. Ponna wondered and hoped Seerayi’s words would come true, that things would change for the better, and she gently rubbed her belly.

  FOURTEEN

  Seerayi was like a headless chicken that day. At first, she did not know what to focus on, what to put off for later. Eventually she decided that attending to Ponna was her first priority, so she soaked some rice for lunch. She could cook rice and lentils. Ponna would like that. But she should not crackle mustard seeds in oil for seasoning. That fragrance might be too much for Ponna right now. She decided to make some rasam as well, using a mixture of spices. She soaked some lentils in water, and then left for the barnyard, taking two balls of pudding in a carrier for Kali.

  It looked as though Kali was hungry. He was pacing about, looking constantly towards the path. Did he really go to Ponna the night before? Seerayi couldn’t be sure. Did she sleep so soundly that she didn’t hear anything? She gave him the food she had brought and waited till he diluted and drank his meal.

  As he mixed the curd with the pudding, he was reminded of Ponna. He could tell that this was Ponna’s cooking. He lifted the vessel and poured it directly into his mouth. Usually, when people drank water-soaked leftovers, they liked to crunch on raw onions or green chillies. Seerayi also made lemon pickle when the season was right. And just a piece of that pickle would make the meal go down smoothly. But Kali did not need any of that. Curd was all he needed. Whether it was pap or kambu meal, he would empty the curd on top of it. He already required half a can of curd just for himself. Then he would mix and liquefy the meal. The meal and the curd had to mix really well. After that, he could drink it all in one gulp.

  Ponna used to say, ‘I don’t know how you drink that without adding even salt.’

  He would respond, ‘If I add salt, I cannot taste the meal. The grain has its own taste. The curd too. And when they come together, they bring about a new taste. You have to experience that. It is a cultivated taste, it grows on you. After that, you need no salt in it. Or pickle on the side.’

  She would also tease him. ‘I know how you drink it all in one gulp. It is all the practice you have had drinking toddy.’

  He’d respond, ‘That stuff is pure nectar of the gods. Does anyone drink nectar in small, measured portions? Do you think we can resist its taste?’

  ‘Yes, indeed, as though you have tasted the nectar of the gods,’ she said, making a face at him.

  ‘Oh yes, I have definitely tasted
the divine nectar. I can get it in two places.’

  ‘You mean palmyra toddy and coconut toddy? Or toddy and arrack?’

  ‘Nonsense. You seem to know nothing. Shall I tell you where? I find it in your lips and your nipples. You have the nectar right with you, but you don’t seem to know!’ And he winked.

  She replied, sighing, ‘Well, I have been waiting for a child to taste that from my breasts, but it looks like I am not fortunate enough for that. If you drink it all, nothing will be left, only your own saliva.’

  No matter how often he resolved not to think about her, she somehow surfaced in his mind. She was there in everything. He sighed deeply, drank the rest of the meal and wiped his mouth.

  Seerayi went closer to him as if she were about to tell him a secret, and whispered, ‘All our troubles of all these years have come to an end. You have to make sure you set your mind right about things. We found out just today. Ponna is pregnant.’ Kali had been looking at her as she spoke to him, but then he lowered his head. ‘When I tell her this is a god-given child, she starts crying. She says, “My maama came to me last night. This child has been given to me by my husband.” Perhaps she dreamed of you coming to her in the night. Before last night, she wasn’t sleeping well. She would pace about like a rat. Perhaps she dreamt of you. She keeps saying you went to her last night. Did you come?’

  He did not say anything in reply, but just sat there with his head resting on his hands.

  ‘It does not matter if it is god’s child or your child,’ went on Seerayi. ‘From now on, it is our child. How we have struggled! How many insults and indignities we have endured! How many people have been rude to us! This child has brought an end to all of that. Think about that. There are childless folk who adopt one from their relatives. But this child is ours. That Devaatha has decided to give us her blessings. So you should not do anything to ruin things now. Both my heart and my eyes had gone dry and hopeless for a long time. But today both my heart and my eyes feel like a field of lush green harvest. Let me spend the rest of my life playing with a grandchild. Please don’t spoil that.’